Premiership Weekend Roundup: February 10-11

Manchester United 2 - 0 Charlton
Charlton seem to have toughened up recently. They held Chelsea to just one goal last week, and this week they were more of a challenge for United than I would've expected. Even without Cristiano Ronaldo, Michael Carrick and Edwin van der Sar, United should have been able to beat them easily, but they couldn't quite get the rhythm of their football flowing. Partly that's because of the lineup changes, and partly that's because Charlton ran hard and didn't give them the time or space to pass. (I think that's the best way to play against United -- you have to come at them, the way Arsenal did a couple weeks ago, rather than sitting back to defend and hoping to hit them on the counter-attack.) Still, they got the win, as replacements Ji-Sung Park and Darren Fletcher both scored -- although that was the only thing I saw Fletcher do all game, for good or ill.

Newcastle 2 - 1 Liverpool
Much as I love watching the players get all wet and muddy, I don't love it when it means watching Liverpool lose. They basically gifted Newcastle both their goals, with Pepe Reina first clearing the ball straight into Daniel Agger and then John Arne Riise conceding a needless penalty. Apart from that, Liverpool dominated the game -- with Craig Bellamy doing an excellent job of irritating the crap out of his former team -- but they didn't take advantage of all their chances on goal. Maybe they needed Xabi Alonso to score from his own half again.


Other results

• Arsenal 2 - 1 Wigan: Thierry "I am not a woman" Henry doesn't dive. Just in case you were wondering.
  
• Chelsea 3 - 0 Middlesbrough: John Terry is back in the centre of defence and Chelsea have started to win convincingly again. Bah.
  
• Portsmouth 2 - 1 Manchester City: For the second time running, Pedro Mendes gets stretchered off in a game against Citeh. What's he done to piss them off so much? Aside from scoring fantastic goals against them, that is.
  
• Reading 2 - 0 Aston Villa: Reading for Europe, anyone? They're now officially too good to be this year's Plucky Little Team That Could anymore.
  
• Sheffield United 2 - 1 Tottenham: What the hell has happened to Spurs this year? Are they having an endless spell of dodgy lasagna or something?
  
• West Ham 0 - 1 Watford: And also in the category of "Teams that were decent last year and now suck," we have West Ham, with the dubious distinction of being the first team to lose at home to Watford in the Premiership this year.
  
• Bolton 2 - 1 Fulham: A game I could not care less about.
  
• Everton 1 - 0 Blackburn: See above.

So this is Christmas, and what have you done?

I am, sadly, going to miss the Boxing Day matches because I'm stuck at work today. I suppose this is the price I pay for gallivanting off to Japan for a week. So here I am at my desk, trying to recover from a glut of turkey and stuffing, cursing Five Live's UK-only streaming audio, and considering whether I can nip off to the pub at lunch to catch part of United v. Wigan.

I did at least get to see the games I cared about on Saturday. United beat Aston Villa 3-0, despite Wayne Rooney being first left on the bench and then brought on to inexplicably play right wing, thanks to two goals from Cristiano Ronaldo plus a beautiful volley from Paul Scholes. Liverpool won too, 2-0 over Watford, Xabi Alonso scored, and all was well in my world. Then I switched over to catch the last few minutes of Chelsea v. Wigan, saw that it was tied, and things were even better. And then Arjen Robben scored. Hmph.

The other games that you might have missed while you were finishing your Christmas shopping:

Arsenal 6 - 2 Blackburn
Fulham 0 - 0 West Ham
Man City 0 - 2 Bolton
Middlesbrough 2 - 0 Charlton
Newcastle 3 - 1 Tottenham
Portsmouth 3 - 1 Sheffield Utd
Reading 0 - 2 Everton

In other news, Alan Pardew has been named as the new manager at Charlton, replacing Les Reed, who replaced Iain Dowie, who replaced Alan Curbishley, who replaced Pardew at West Ham. Which means that Curbishley and Pardew have basically just switched places. Kind of makes you wonder why they'd even bother, eh? Although I'd like to see other teams trying this type of managerial swap. How about Jose Mourinho for Neil Warnock? If only so that we could see what happens when you try to drive a tractor through London.

And finally, a random video to keep you entertained: If there are footballers looking like tools on the internet, it must be a day that ends in y. Today it's Man United's turn.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: May 7

An excellent way to celebrate the end of the Premiership season: with the league losing its collective ever-loving mind. Woo.

Manchester United 4 - 0 Charlton
Ruud Van Nistelrooy had a hissy-fit after finding out that he wasn't in the starting lineup, and stormed out back to the stable before the game. Betting on whether he ends up at Milan, Juve, Barca or Real Madrid starts now.

Without him, meanwhile, United thumped Charlton to clinch second place and a guaranteed spot in the Champions League, which is great and all, but maybe it would have been even better if they hadn't left their not-sucking until so late in the season.


Arsenal 4 - 2 Wigan
Arsenal went down 2-1 in their last game at Highbury, before a hat-trick from Thierry Henry pulled out the win and let them squeak past Tottenham into fourth place. I'm still not a big Arsenal fan, but I have to admit to getting a little mushy at some of the pictures of the fans sitting in the empty stands.

Also, apparently there were giant papier-mache heads. I don't know.


West Ham 2 - 1 Tottenham
How bizarre is this: Pretty much the entire Spurs first team comes down with food poisoning before the game, the ones who are able to stand up lurch to a 2-1 loss to the Hammers, and Spurs have to settle for the UEFA Cup next year, after being in the Champions League places for, like, the past six months. No word yet on rumours that a grey squirrel was seen in the kitchen of the team hotel the night before.


Portsmouth 1 - 3 Liverpool
Liverpool's win didn't mean much, seeing as United won too, but it's nice to see their strikers still remember how to score. Less nice was seeing Xabi Alonso stretchered off with a sprained ankle before half-time. OMG don't be broken, baby! Anyway, things are looking good for them next season, provided they can find someone to play up front with Crouch. I wonder if they could get enough for Cisse to bring Michael Owen home?


Newcastle 1 - 0 Chelsea
Newcastle have qualified for Europe next season (sort of; as YNBA put it, it's "maybe crappy Europe") and finished the season in seventh by beating Chelsea -- despite going a man down -- thanks to a goal from, of all people, Titus Bramble. Yes, really.


Oh, and there were some other games too:
Aston Villa 2 - 1 Sunderland
Blackburn 2 - 0 Manchester City
Bolton 1 - 0 Birmingham
Everton 2 - 2 West Brom
Fulham 1 - 0 Middlesbrough

Premiership Weekend Roundup: March 4-5

Liverpool 0 - 0 Charlton
I'm automatically skeptical about any Liverpool lineup that features Djimi Traore and no Xabi Alonso. But in spite of that, I thought they played really well -- except for Traore, obviously, who probably would have been hauled off at halftime if Hyypia hadn't got hurt. The Liverpool strikers still couldn't buy a goal if they had Roman Abramovich's Russian mafia money, but at least they were creating lots of chances -- they showed the attempts on goal stats in the second half, and they were something like 15-2 in favour of Liverpool. Unlike some of the other games where they have all the possession in the middle of the field but can't seem to penetrate into the other team's box (dirty!). Robbie Fowler's goal being called offside in the 90th minute pretty much summed up the game.

West Brom 1 - 2 Chelsea
The first half was unbelievably boring. West Brom seemed like they would have been happy to come away with a point, and Chelsea were treating the game like a training exercise to warm up for getting thumped by Barcelona on Tuesday. But then Drogba scored (and much as I hate to admit it, that was a nice goal), and Arjen Robben got sent off for being a pissy little bitch as usual, and Jose Mourinho lost his mind on the touchline. I think my favourite moment was the slow-mo replay, after one of the West Brom players had been fouled, of Bryan Robson swearing like a trucker. It was awesome.

Fulham 0 - 4 Arsenal
It's kind of interesting to see which Arsenal team will turn up on any given day. Last week it was a mediocre performance against Blackburn; this week they could have beaten Fulham (admittedly, a weaker team, but they're not this bad) with one metaphorical hand tied behind their metaphorical back. I think the main difference was that Fulham sat back and gave Arsenal space to play -- much like Real Madrid -- and if you do that, they will make you pay for it.

Other results
Aston Villa 1 - 0 Portsmouth
Middlesbrough 1 - 0 Birmingham
Newcastle 3 - 1 Bolton
West Ham 2 - 2 Everton
Manchester City 2 - 1 Sunderland
Tottenham 3 - 2 Blackburn

And this afternoon, Manchester United face off against Plucky Little Wigan^TM, whom they've beat 8-0 on aggregate so far this season. Watch them implode now, just to fuck with me.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: January 21-22

Manchester United 1 - 0 Liverpool
I was worried when I saw the starting lineups. Injuries to Scholes, Smith and Park, plus Cristiano Ronaldo's suspension, meant that United would be fielding a makeshift midfield of Fletcher, O'Shea, Giggs and Richardson against Gerrard, Sissoko, Alonso and Kewell, and I expected them to be thoroughly outclassed (yes, even by Harry Kewell). Liverpool did dominate the midfield, but not quite as much as you would have thought. Stevie G inexplicably went missing for too much of the game, and when they did attack, the finishing was awful -- particularly Djibril Cisse sending the ball over the bar rather than into the open net. You couldn't blame Rafa if he ships Lord Frodsham back to France at the first opportunity.

United also struggled to attack -- even though Rooney played hard and was all over the pitch as usual. But at least their defence was solid this week. Amazing what a difference it makes when you leave Silvestre on the bench, eh? Rio, especially, had a good game -- maybe trying to prove to Sven that he's not really lazy -- with a goal-line clearance and a game-winning header in the last minute. I guess this means I can't make fun of his hair for at least a couple of weeks now.

Chelsea 1 - 1 Charlton
First of all, a disclaimer: My perspective on this game was somewhat impaired by the quantity of beer consumed during the United game. Nevertheless, Chelsea looked distinctly ordinary in this game. They certainly had the talent to beat Charlton, and dominated for most of the match, but they were missing something -- that hunger you need put the game away and guarantee a win. They were just cruising along, happy with the 1-0 scoreline, and that let Charlton back in it to equalize.

Everton 1 - 0 Arsenal
Arsenal might have wanted to save some of those goals from last week for this match. Everton pushed them hard all game -- not dirty play, just hustling for the ball -- and they deserved the win. Arsenal had a couple of unfortunate offside calls go against them, plus a strike from Freddie Ljungberg touched off the post, but they just couldn't seem to get their attack clicking into high gear. Thierry Henry spent most of the game isolated up front -- not exactly the sort of thing that's going to keep him from fleeing to Spain.

(Also: What the hell is with that growth on Ljungberg's face? Not good. Frankly, I expect better from an underwear model.)

Tottenham 0 - 0 Aston Villa
Tottenham dominated this game in the midfield but they just couldn't break through on goal -- partly due to solid defending from Villa but mostly because their keeper, Sorensen, had a fantastic game. Michael Carrick, meanwhile, had another solid game in for Spurs. He's doing his best to prove that he deserves the holding midfield role for England, but I just can't warm to him -- I think it's because he has a weirdly shaped head. (Hey, I never claimed to be entirely rational about football.)

West Brom 0 - 1 Sunderland
Aw, Sunderland finally got a win. Not that it'll help them to stay up this year, but still, it's nice. And probably fitting that it came from an own goal, because neither team played particularly well. There's a reason why they're both hovering at (or near) the bottom of the table.

Other results
Birmingham 5 - 0 Portsmouth
Bolton 2 - 0 Manchester City
Middlesbrough 2 - 3 Wigan
Newcastle 0 - 1 Blackburn

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 19-20

Just a short recap this week, since I didn't get to see any of the games I really cared about. No United, no Liverpool, and a Michael Owen-less Newcastle getting smacked around by Chelsea. Bah.

Charlton 1-3 Manchester United
United don't seem to be missing Roy Keane too much...yet. The real test will be the game against Villareal tomorrow, which they basically have to win to avoid crashing out of the Champions League. Wayne Rooney had a spectacular game -- although he didn't score, he set up United's first two goals. Van Nistelrooy finished beautifully for the second goal and then finished things off with another from outside the box. Will wonders never cease?

Wigan 2-3 Arsenal
Another week, another master class in ass-kicking from Thierry Henry. Wigan fought valiantly, though, and there could easily have been another two or three goals for either side. You could argue that Wigan's keeper should have done better, particularly with the opening goal from Van Persie. But there was also the sense that no matter how much Wigan harried them, Henry would have simply turned things up another notch if necessary.

Liverpool 3-0 Portsmouth
Peter Crouch just cannot seem to find the net. Not even with Stevie G offering a target. (And let's add that to the list of Things I Did Not Need To See, Ever.) Still, it's a good result going into the Champions League matches this week, and hopefully Luis Garcia and Xabi Alonso will be back from the knocks they picked up in time to face Real Betis.

Chelsea 3-0 Newcastle
Newcastle held things together relatively well in the first half, but in the second half their defence (read: Titus Bramble) just fell apart. Best moment of the match: A gorgeous tackle from Scott Parker sending Joe Cole ass over teakettle.

West Bromwich Albion 4-0 Everton
A note for the Sportsnet programming department: If satellite problems prevent you from showing the United game, this is not really an adequate replacement. No matter how enjoyable it might be to watch Everton get so thoroughly schooled. Phil Neville must be looking longingly at the holes in the United lineup.

Middlesbrough 3-2 Fulham
Another one that was fun to watch as an impartial observer. (Well, mostly impartial; I was leaning towards Fulham for no good reason other than Boro having beaten United a couple weeks back.) Hard to say if either team really deserved the win. Middlesbrough had most of the possession but none of the finishing in the first half, and in the second half it seemed to be the reverse. Highlight of this one was the fantastic goal from Collins John to start the game.

Other results
Sunderland 1-3 Aston Villa
Manchester City 0-0 Blackburn
Tottenham 1-1 West Ham