Champions League Semi-Final: Manchester United 1-0 Barcelona (1-0 agg)

PAUL SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES, HE SCORES GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALS...

And so Manchester United are through to the final in Moscow. But what a nerve-wracking way to get there, riding a slim one-goal advantage for most of the game. Considering these two teams' attacking pedigree, you might have expected more of a goal-fest, but United were more focused on not making a mistake at the back, while Barcelona seemed to be allergic to scoring. Nevertheless, it was a riveting game even if you were a neutral; I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see if United would scrape through.

With Nemanja Vidic out (I assume he was concussed on Saturday, because he's too much of a bad-ass for a mere busted lip to keep him on the sidelines), United had a jury-rigged back line: Wes Brown alongside Rio Ferdinand in the centre and Owen Hargreaves deputising at right-back. Wayne Rooney was also still injured, so it was Carlos Tevez up front, supported by Cristiano Ronaldo, with Nani and Ji-Sung Park on the wings.

Barcelona had the better of the early play, including a free kick for Messi conceded by Paul Scholes just outside the box. But even from the outset, United weren't playing quite the same over-cautious game as they had in Barcelona; yes, defending was still the top priority, but they were pressing higher up the field rather than sitting back too much and watching Barça pass the ball around in front of them.

The key moment came in the 14th minute, as Cristiano Ronaldo ran at the Barcelona defence. Gianluca Zambrotta's attempted clearance went straight to Scholes about 30 yards out, and he hit a glorious shot that arrowed past Victor Valdes into the top corner. It was only his second goal of the season, but what a time to score. (And by the way, I'd say that he's virtually guaranteed to start in Moscow now, to make up for his suspension in 1999.)

The goal seemed knock the stuffing out of Barcelona while it boosted United's confidence, and they controlled more of the play as the first half went on. Messi still looked dangerous every time he got on the ball, but Patrice Evra dealt with him well enough, and Brown and Ferdinand kept Samuel Eto'o pretty quiet.

The second half was more of the same, but with the tension ratcheted up. United had a decent spell of pressure, with Tevez and Park (who I think is the South Korean version of Dirk Kuyt) working their socks off to hold the ball up and close down defenders, while Nani caused Barcelona problems with his pace -- although he kept choosing the wrong option with his final ball once again. As for Ronaldo, I think he lost out in terms of an individual competition with Messi, who was skipping past players at will (if only his teammates had bothered to help him out!) but he didn't vanish like he's supposed to do in big games either. There may not have been any outstanding moments of brilliance, and yes he did his share of falling down and whining to the ref, but he put in a disciplined performance to match the rest of his team, and was always willing to get on the ball and try to create something.

Barça continued to have more possession (it ended up 58% in their favour), but just like in the first leg, they couldn't translate that into too many real chances on goal. Rio Ferdinand kept his back line well marshalled, with Wes Brown in particular stepping up his game (apart from whacking his goalkeeper in the head a couple of times; oops) and Michael Carrick making a few crucial interceptions in front of the defence. Barcelona did have a few shots that fizzed just wide -- including a couple from Deco -- but Edwin van der Sar was equal to anything that came at him.

As they moved into the last quarter of the game, Barcelona started to turn the screw while United dropped deeper -- realizing that every minute meant United got closer to winning, but also the more dangerous it would be if Barça were to score. Thierry Henry came on for Andres Iniesta, but he's clearly not the player he was at Arsenal, as his best chance was a header that went straight into Van der Sar's arms. Then it was Bojan Krkic for Eto'o, while United responded by replacing Nani and Scholes with Ryan Giggs and Darren Fletcher as they tried to hold onto the ball and slow the game down.

Barcelona were throwing everyone forward as the clocked ticked towards the 90th minute -- I think at one point Carles Puyol, of all people, was the farthest player forward -- and into the three minutes of stoppage time. That was extended after Evra took a boot to the face in a collision with Deco and Ronaldo and had to be stretchered off, just to increase the tension even more (cue Sir Alex looking pointedly at his watch). It was the 96th minute when Barcelona won a free kick outside the box on the right, with Valdes even coming up for the kick, but United had every single player back defending and managed to clear their lines just before the referee blew for full time.

And then we all tried to catch our breath again.

(Incidentally, don't ask me what I'm going to do if Liverpool win today too. I have absolutely no idea. Other than just flailing a lot, probably.)

Champions League Semi-Finals - First Leg

Liverpool 1-1 Chelsea
Gah. Liverpool were so close. Agonizingly close. Maybe 10 seconds away from winning the game when John Arne Riise had a massive brain-fart and put the ball into his own net (I believe in technical terms this is known as "pulling a Djimi Traore"), gifting Chelsea a thoroughly undeserved equalizer.

What makes it worse is that things had been going pretty well up to that point. Chelsea started the game more strongly, but Liverpool stayed organized at the back and got into the match gradually. They were the better team from about the 30-minute mark onward, starting with a great chance for Fernando Torres when Steven Gerrard played him in on goal, only to take one touch too many and scuff his shot.

The increased Liverpool pressure paid off just before halftime, as Xabi Alonso took a quick free kick, releasing Dirk Kuyt down the wing with the Chelsea defenders switched off. The ball pinged around and eventually fell to Javier Mascherano, whose attempted shot ballooned up over Claude Makelele's attempted interception and fell to Kuyt, who slotted it past Petr Cech.

The goal also highlighted the main difference between the teams, which is that Liverpool's midfield was bossing the play; I thought that Xabi was especially good, whereas on the other side, Frank Lampard was clearly off his game (understandably so, since his mother was deathly ill, and in fact has just died). That continued in the second half, too, with Chelsea reduced to just hoofing the ball up to Didier Drogba and waiting for him to fall down. The annoying thing was that Drogba got most of the calls in his favour, whereas Torres was fouled constantly and got nothing.

The key moment may have been with half an hour left, when Fabio Aurelio went down with a groin injury and had to be substituted. Meanwhile, Chelsea brought on Salomon Kalou in place of Joe Cole, and it was Kalou who provided the cross that led to their goal. They started to put more pressure on Liverpool from about 75 minutes on, although Liverpool still had chances to put the game away, including a great shot from Gerrard in the 84th minute, which Petr Cech just tipped over the top corner, and a point-blank shot from Torres in stoppage time. (Cech made some good saves, but Torres wasn't quite on; 90% of the time he'd have put at least one of those away.)

And then, in the fifth minute of extra time, disaster: A cross from the left wing, Nicolas Anelka coming in at the back post, a misguided attempt at a clearance, and the ball is headed into the Liverpool net. RIISE, YOU BRAINLESS GINGER BUFFOON. THIS IS WHY FOOTBALLERS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE TWO FEET. I mean, he practically had to get down on his knees to reach the ball; just use your right leg, for fuck's sake. It was an absolutely devastating way to end the game: a massive boost for Chelsea, and demoralizing for Liverpool.

They went from a one-goal lead and a vital clean sheet to a draw, which means that now they need to score (possibly more than once) at Stamford Bridge, which is something they've never done before under Rafa Benitez. But looking on the bright side, Liverpool were certainly the better team here, and there's no reason why they can't reproduce that next week. (Riise's undoubtedly going to be the scapegoat if they do get eliminated, but to be fair I should point out that Liverpool also really should've scored more than just the one goal.) Plus, Chelsea are now the favourites, and Liverpool do seem to like being the underdogs. They tend to pull out their best performances when they've got their backs up against the wall.


Barcelona 0-0 Manchester United
CRISTIANO RONALDO, YOU OVER-GELLED GOOBER. YOU DON'T CHANGE YOUR PENALTY TECHNIQUE IN A CHAMPIONS LEAGUE SEMI-FINAL. HAVE ALL THE HAIR PRODUCTS ROTTED YOUR BRAIN?

Ahem. Sorry, I am yelly this week. But it's incredibly frustrating to see a chance like that thrown away. Manchester United get awarded a penalty right at the beginning of the game, after a handball in the box, and rather than firing the ball low and hard into the side netting like he's been doing all season, Ronaldo decides to try and chip it into the top corner -- and instead sends it wide. I believe this is a lesson in the dangers of over-confidence (not that I really expect it to have much impact on Ronniecakes' phenomenal arrogance, but anyway).

And that ended up being one of the few goal-scoring chances that United had all game. Barcelona pulled their heads out of their asses for this game and decided to actually play like they cared. They thoroughly dominated the game -- it was almost like they were playing keep-away with United -- but despite all their possession and shots on goal, Barca lacked much of a cutting edge; Edwin van der Sar barely had any real saves to make.

United played like...well, like Liverpool, actually, with just about everybody back behind the ball defending. You'd think a lineup that included all three of Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez would have been more attacking, but Rooney was basically playing as a midfielder, and in fact I think Ronaldo and Tevez were too. I wonder what difference it would have made if Ronaldo had scored that penalty: if United would have been even more paranoid and defensive, or if they would have taken confidence from that and gone forward more. (Of course, this would depend on them actually being able to get the ball away from Leo Messi & co.)

I think Nemanja Vidic's absence also had an impact on their strategy, because it meant Wes Brown shifting to centre-back and Owen Hargreaves to right-back, which both weakened the defence a bit and also deprived them of a real ball-winner in midfield. Anyway, this one is finely balanced going into the second leg, although United just about have the edge, thanks to that clean sheet, although Ronaldo should still be kicking himself over that penalty miss. (Actually, United should've had a second penalty, for a foul on Ronaldo by Rafa Marquez, but they were never going to get it. And Barcelona could have had one as well, after Rio Ferdinand brought down Samuel Eto'o.) Anyway, I am just hoping that next week's game is a bit more interesting, because really, who would have thought that Liverpool v. Chelsea would be the more exciting match-up?


Finally: Thumbs down to the ESPN half-time and post-game analysis. Which is basically four guys in a studio, with not enough time to really say anything, and nothing insightful to say even if they did have time. (Shaka Hyslop is just as bland as his Guardian columns. And Tommy Smyth? Bothers me even more when I have to look at his smarmy little face.)

Champions League Quarter-finals

Liverpool 4-2 Arsenal (5-3 agg)
Wow. That was a hell of a game.

Rafa surprised everyone by switching things up and giving Peter Crouch a start alongside Fernando Torres, with Ryan Babel left on the bench. Crouch certainly deserved a chance after his performance against Arsenal last weekend, and he combined with Torres for Liverpool's second goal, but even so I wonder if it was a mistake to change from the formation that they were used to and that had been working so well. With Steven Gerrard nominally on the left, it meant that they had one fewer player in centre midfield, which is always dangerous against a team like Arsenal that can pass around you, and certainly for the first half-hour Liverpool were being overrun.

Emmanuel Adebayor was giving the defence problems from the start -- although fortunately he kept being flagged offside -- but it was Abou Diaby who scored the opening goal, beating Pepe Reina at the near post. Up front for Liverpool, Torres wasn't seeing much of the ball, and it took a set piece for them to equalize, as Sami Hyypia broke away from Philippe Senderos at a corner to power in a header. The goal seemed to give Liverpool confidence, and they started to get more of a grip on the game -- helped by Mathieu Flamini being forced off with an injury just before halftime.

They were much stronger at the start of the second half than they were in the first, and eventually went ahead with an utterly fantastic goal from Torres -- a long ball forward from Reina, flicked on by Crouch to Torres, who spun around and fired it into the far corner as the hapless Senderos strugged to keep up. With 20 minutes left, Arsenal brought on Theo Walcott and Robin van Persie, flinging everything at Liverpool in an attempt to survive. It was Walcott who created their second goal, bringing the ball forward from deep in his own half and dodging four Liverpool players before setting up Adebayor in the 84th minute.

But they barely had time to savour the goal when Liverpool scored again. Ryan Babel, who'd looked lively since he came on as a substitute for Crouch, was pulled down in the box by Kolo Toure for a penalty, and Gerrard coolly stepped up to smash it past Manuel Almunia. The tie may have come down to a tale of two penalties -- the one given to Liverpool here, and the one not given to Arsenal last week -- and I have to admit that both incidents looked pretty similar to me. But Babel made it all moot with a fourth goal in stoppage time, racing onto a clearance from Dirk Kuyt and outmuscling Cesc Fabregas (who was carefully stubbled, just to remind everybody that he's a big boy now) to put the game away.

So-called football purists will lament the fact that Arsenal and their beautiful football are out of the competition now, but ultimately I do not give a damn. Beautiful football is meaningless if you don't have the balls to win games, and I will take Steven Gerrard and his magnificent hairy thighs over Arsene's boy-toys any day. And now we get yet another Liverpool-Chelsea semi-final, which even I am not going to pretend is likely to be a scintillating match-up. Although there is always the opportunity to make John Terry cry.


United 1-0 Roma (3-0 agg)
Sir Alex might have claimed not to be taking anything for granted ahead of this game, but the fact that Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney started on the bench tells you everything you need to know about the relative importance of Roma versus Arsenal this weekend. Even without those two players, United still had enough to win, with Carlos Tevez scoring the only goal. But there were some nervy moments, particularly when Wes Brown brought down Mancini for a debatable penalty -- it's hard to tell, but I think he might have got the ball first -- which Daniel de Rossi blasted over the bar. (And I laughed, because I dislike de Rossi for no apparent reason.) The clean sheet was encouraging, with Mikael Silvestre making his first start in ages (I'd almost forgotten about him), Rio Ferdinand making it through the game despite a foot injury, and Gary Neville finally returning from injury as a substitute. Player of the game, though, was Owen Hargreaves, who worked his socks off for 90 minutes and even set up Tevez's goal with a perfect cross.


Chelsea 2-0 Fenerbahce (3-2 agg)
Okay, somebody out there has a voodoo doll with a Chelsea goalkeeper kit, right? Because they are totally cursed. First Petr Cech gets his face all cut up in training (50 STITCHES! That is ridiculous.), and then Carlo Cudicini takes over from him and pulls a hamstring. And didn't this happen last year too? Voodoo doll, I'm telling you. Anyway, third-choice keeper Hilario made a few good saves to see Chelsea through to the next round. But they made things a bit tougher for themselves than they needed to. Michael Ballack's header gave them an early advantage, but they waited until the 87th minute to put the tie away with a second goal from Frank Lampard. Michael Essien, who set up that goal, however, will be missing the first semi-final game at Anfield through suspension, which is a boost to Liverpool.


Barcelona 1-0 Schalke (2-0 agg)
Barcelona did enough to get themselves into the semi-finals with another 1-0 victory over Schalke, but they didn't exactly look convincing in the process. There's been a constant stream of dressing-room drama, with Ronaldinho and Deco supposedly being dropped for partying too much, and Thierry Henry being generally mediocre now that he's left his Arsenal harem. Leo Messi will probably be back from injury for Barca when they face United later this month, but the bad news is that Carles Puyol will be suspended for the first leg after picking up another yellow card here.

Why do I always seem to be away during Champions League weeks?

Apologies for the lack of posts around here, but I've been on vacation all week. I meant to put something up before I left, but an insufficient amount of time and an oversufficient amount of alcohol conspired against it. Probably just as well, because all my Champions League predictions would have been woefully inaccurate.

The resort did have ESPN, but even I wasn't about to give up valuable beach time in favour of watching football. So I'm just catching up now.

• I did see the second half of United's game against Roma, as they took a 2-0 lead home to Old Trafford. It looked like a solid performance, not as over-cautious as they too often are when playing away in Europe. And Cristiano Ronaldo will have shut a few more people up with his goal here. The bad news is the injury to Nemanja Vidic; combined with Rio Ferdinand limping out of their game on the weekend, it leaves the back line looking rather shaky. Reminds me of last season, actually, when I think seem to recall them being forced into playing Darren Fletcher at right-back.
  
  
• Liverpool drew 1-1 with Arsenal at the Emirates, which gives them a slight advantage going into the second leg. But it's a very slight advantage. It's quite possible that Fernando Torres will score a brilliant goal and they'll put together another magnificent defensive performance and stymie Arsenal for 90 minutes, but it's equally possible that Pepe Reina will have a brain fart and then Dirk Kuyt will fall over his own feet when presented with an open net. I am expecting dreading that it's going to be another 1-1 followed by penalties.
  
  
• Chelsea took the lead against Fenerbahce through an own-goal, but then gave up two goals in the second half; it was the reverse of many of their games this season, as they played well but still lost. Ha. And Barcelona beat Schalke, as expected, albeit by only one goal -- the first Champions League goal for wunderkind Bojan Krkic.
  
  
• Meanwhile, in the league, United started the week by destroying Villa 4-0, demonstrating what they can do if you are foolish enough to go to Old Trafford and attempt to play rather than stringing 11 men across the goalmouth. They followed that up with a snowy 2-2 draw at Middlesbrough, who have been surprisingly tough against the so-called big teams this year. Uh-oh.
  
  
• Liverpool faced a couple of tricky games but have done pretty well, beating Everton 1-0 in the derby and then drawing against Arsenal with their second-string team in the league game sandwiched between their two Champions League matches. They still have only a narrow lead over Everton in the table, but it should be enough to preserve their spot in the top four. The boardroom drama continues; I continue to stick my fingers in my ears and chant "La la la I can't hear you."
  
  
• Chelsea are still steadily winning games, beating Middlesbrough and then Man City. They're now only three points behind Manchester United and I'm starting to get a bit worried. But I refuse to believe that United can be caught by a team managed by one of the Gorgs from Fraggle Rock.
  
  
• Arsenal staged an amazing comeback last weekend, beating a doomed Bolton 3-2 after going down 2-0 and then having a man sent off. I was laughing at them when I left for the airport at halftime, and then they had to go and win after all, the bastards.
  
  
• Also, Newcastle apparently don't suck anymore...when did that happen?
  
  
• In the FA Cup, Portsmouth beat West Brom and Cardiff beat Barnsley, both one-nil, to reach the finals. I am trying to care and failing miserably, especially now that designated minnows Barnsley are out.
  
  
• And here at home, Toronto FC are off to another dismal start to the season, losing their first two games on the road, against Columbus and DC United. I think this could be a chronic problem for them, because they're probably going to start every season away from home while they wait for the snow to melt. Makes it hard to build any sort of momentum when you've already dropped points in your first few games. A bit of good news (I guess?) is that they've signed Laurent Robert from Derby. Yeah, only in MLS is picking up a player from the worst team in the Premiership seen as an asset.

Champions League Round of 16: March 4

Manchester United 1-0 Lyon (2-1 agg)
This was hardly a dominant display from United, but they've done enough to see themselves through to the next round. Sir Alex fielded a slightly odd lineup, with Nani and Ronaldo flanking Rooney in a 4-3-3 -- although I suppose it could've been just a cunningly disguised version of United's usual European 4-5-1 -- and the team didn't quite seem to gel. The only goal came from Ronaldo just before half-time, after Lyon's defense (still their weakest point) failed to clear their lines after Wes Brown's cross. But apart from hat, United were guilty of some sloppy play and failed to really kill off the game, which could've come back to bite them in the ass if Kader Keita's shot had gone in instead of rebounding off the post. For Lyon, Benzema was once again their most dangerous player by a mile; it will definitely be interesting to see if United pursue him in the summer. I think he'd be a fantastic addition to the squad, even though I also expect him to cost a ridiculous amount of money.

Milan 0-2 Arsenal (0-2 agg)
You know, I'm not sure why everyone was so convince Milan were going to win this one. Based on their historical record, sure, but on current form? Of course it's easy to say in hindsight, but I expected it to be very finely balanced indeed. Milan were the stronger team for the first 20 minutes or so -- I wonder if Arsenal's youngsters were overawed by the San Siro -- but Arsenal worked themselves into the game and only got better as it went on, with Milan looking a bit worn down. Midfield is usually Milan's strength, but Fabregas, Flamini and Hleb were superior to the Italian trio of Pirlo, Gattuso and Ambrosini, with Kaka reduced to running down blind alleys and petulantly throwing the ball away (what would Jesus say, Ricky?). Fabregas finally broke the deadlock in the 84th minute with a long-range shot. It was well struck, but I think Kalac could've done, because he had plently of time to get down and cover it. It didn't matter, though, because Milan had very little time to equalize, and instead Arsenal scored again, as Theo Walcott set up Adebayor in stoppage time, and last year's champions are out. Mostly I feel sad for Paolo Maldini, because this was his last Champions League game ever, and as a total class act -- not to mention, um, a total hotass -- he deserves infinitely better than for it to end this way.

Barcelona 1-0 Celtic (4-2 agg)
A pretty predictable Barcelona win, as Celtic's dreadful away form in Europe continues. Barcelona's goal came in the third minute, Xavi scoring, with Celtic barely having touched the ball up to that point. Barca could have easily run up the score after that, but they didn't really need to bother, coming into the game with a 3-2 lead from the first leg. Although they've easily made it into the quarter-finals, unfortunately the Catalan team has lost Lionel Messi to a recurrence of the hamstring injury that sidelined him earlier this year, as he went down injured in the first half and left the field in tears. Poor kid has had some rotten luck.

Sevilla 3-2 Fenerbahce (5-5 agg; 2-3 pen)
Sevilla and Fenerbahce produced another five-goal thriller after the 3-2 result in Turkey a couple of weeks ago. Sevilla took an early lead with goals from Daniel Alves and Seydou Keita. Deivid then pulled one back for Fenerbahce but Sevilla widened their lead again before halftime through Freddie Kanoute. In the 79th minute, though, Deivid scored again to force extra time. That ended goalless before Fenerbahce finally squeaked through on penalties, as goalkeeper Volkan Demirel, who had flapped at Sevilla's first two goals, saved three penalty kicks to put his team through.

Champions League Round of 16: February 20

Lyon 1-1 Manchester United
United lined up in the same 4-5-1 that they always seem to use in Europe, but the cautious formation, with Wayne Rooney alone up front, really didn't test the rickety Lyon defence enough. In fact, Lyon started stronger and had a good spell at the beginning of the game before United settled down and got themselves into it. Sir Alex also opted for experience over youth in the starting lineup, with Scholes and Giggs brought back into the team after being left out for the FA Cup win over Arsenal. But although the veterans were enjoying an Indian summer last year, they just don't seem to be up to it this season. Cristiano Ronaldo had a quiet game too, and although United were edging the possession stats, they hadn't created many clear shot -- aside from a good chance that Wayne Rooney missed when clean through on goal in the first half.

Lyon took the lead early in the second half, against the run of play, with Karim Benzema grabbing a goal out of nothing -- three defenders around him, he found space for a powerful shot that was well placed in the corner past Van der Sar. You can certainly see why United might be interested in buying him -- provided he's a bit less fragile than Louis Saha. Sir Alex responded to going behind by replacing Giggs and Scholes with Nani and Tevez, and that made the difference in the end, as Tevez snatched a late equalizer. Overall it was a fairly even game, but United were the better team, and the scoreline should position them well for the return leg at Old Trafford.


Arsenal 0-0 Milan
This was the perfect example of why a scoreless game doesn't have to be boring. It was fascinating to watch, with Arsenal's energy and flair neutralized by Milan's guile. Arsenal's best chance came in stoppage time, when Adebayor headed a cross from Theo Walcott onto the crossbar. Adebayor was the focal point of their attack throughout, with perhaps more long balls forward than we're used to seeing from Arsenal, in hopes of catching the Milan defence off-guard. Milan, meanwhile, started with Pato on his own up front, somewhat surprisingly -- I would've thought that Pippo Inzaghi was made for nights like this, but maybe he's not quite fit? -- and although the duckling showed flashes of his potential, ultimately it was a frustrating night for him.

Both teams lost key defenders to injury -- Toure in the 7th minute, Nesta in the 50th -- but although Toure's absence could be a bigger blow to Arsenal in the long run, they coped better here than Milan did. Milan's strength, as usual, was their midfield, but Flamini nullified Kaka & co. quite effectively. Arsenal should be happy to have kept a clean sheet but regret not winning the game outright. Now they have to go to Italy and get something from the San Siro. In other seasons you might say that's a tall order, but it's less daunting when you consider Milan's home form this year.

In any case, it will give me another opportunity to partake in the Milan Drinking Game, the most important part of which involves taking a drink every time the commentators mention Maldini's age. Guaranteed to get you drunk by halftime.


Celtic 2-3 Barcelona
Barcelona went behind to Celtic twice before finally coming back to win with two goals from Lionel Messi and another from Thierry Henry. It was a very back-and-forth game but Barcelona had the majority of the possession and shots and thoroughly deserved the win. So much for Celtic's excellent home record in European games -- and now they have to hope to win in Spain which is, shall we say, not bloody likely.

Fenerbahce 3-2 Sevilla
Another five-goal game, this one decided by a goal from substitute Semih Senturk in the 87th minute to give Fenerbahce the win. The Turkish team took the lead initially, with Sevilla equalizing a few minutes later through an own-goal, and Fenerbahce going ahead again in the second half before Sevilla levelled things up once more. I'm still deciding whether to bother watching this later.

I am not here. You did not see me.

For once I have a decent excuse for my lack of posting: I'm on vacation. In Amsterdam, to be exact. So I got to watch the Euro U21 final between Holland and Serbia in a bar full of very excited Dutch people, which was entertaining. (Although now I feel like an idiot for not realizing that I was going to be here during the tournament and attempting to get tickets. Oh well.)

*checks news*

Holy shit, Henry's going to Barcelona? For realz? The first proper bit of news in weeks, and it just has to be while I'm away. And it raises some very interesting questions:

• Does this mean Arsene Wenger is out the door too?
  
• Is there really room for yet another diva in the Barca dressing room?
  
• More specifically, what's going to happen to Samuel Eto'o?
  
• Just how pouty is Cesc Fabregas going to be now?
  
• And finally, how much does a Victorian maiden go for on the open market these days?

The FA Cup and, um, some other stuff

Middlesbrough 2 - 2 Manchester United
Not a bad game, but I would have enjoyed it more if (a) I hadn't been quite so massively hung over and (b) United hadn't contrived to nearly fuck it all up. Please learn to defend set-pieces, boys. It'll make life so much easier for all of us.

And don't think I didn't notice you lining up with Wayne Rooney on the left again. I can only assume that the formation (sort of a 4-2-3-1) was designed to minimize the impact of having to play John O'Shea in midfield, but that still doesn't explain why you'd play both Rooney and Ryan Giggs out of position in the process. And yes, I will keep harping on this until Sir Alex stops doing it. Sorry, but it's Monday and I'm cranky today.

Finally, George Boateng needs to stop whining about the penalty. This is not like the rec league I play in where they let girls use their arms to protect their boobs. In the real world, if you raise your arms to block the ball, and it hits them, it's handball. End of story. Suck it up and take the shot to the face. I'm sure that making it through to a cup semi-final would've dulled the pain.

Other results
Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Watford
Blackburn 2 - 0 Manchester City
Chelsea 3 - 3 Tottenham

I didn't see any of the other FA Cup matches. But I did catch a couple of other very good games instead:

• Barcelona 3 - 3 Real Madrid: Which featured three goals in the first 12 minutes, Barca going down to 10 men before half time when Oleguer was sent off, a complete and utter lack of defending by both sides, Iker Casillas making his Iker Casillas face roughly 10,000 times, Leo Messi being amazing and scoring a hat-trick, and the GolTV commentators having an aneurysm live on camera.
  
  
• Inter 2 - 1 Milan: Which featured Ronaldo scoring against his former club, being whistled at every time he touched the ball, and finishing the 90 minutes looking like he was about to keel over and die; Zlatan Ibrahimovic beating the geriatric Paolo Maldini for pace (shocking, I know) to set up the equalizer and then scoring the winner; Dida flapping at the ball repeatedly like a giant Brazilian chicken; and, sadly, nobody smacking Materazzi upside the head just for the fun of it.

I keep thinking about for signing up for digital cable so that I can watch more of the European leagues, but I already watch way too much football as it is. Plus, I suspect I would find it very hard not to reach into my TV and punch the commentators in the face, because most of the ones on FSC and GolTV seem to be given over to hyperbole, dubious turns of phrase, and talking out of their ass on any given topic. Even more than your average pundit normally does, that is. At least the guys they have doing the Italian matches on TLN (which I do watch sometimes) are relatively restrained. They stick to actually telling you what's going on, with the occasional snide remark about the players and bemused comments on those mad Italians. I like that much better.

Champions League Round of 16 Wrapup

I was a less than impressive three for eight in my predictions. But I'm quite happy with that, because in almost every case the team I liked better is through (the obvious exception being Chelsea, and even there I couldn't quite bring myself to cheer for Porto).

Liverpool 0 - 1 Barcelona (2-2 aggregate)
Yeah, they lost. But who cares? Because last year's champions are out and Liverpool are not. And now we do the dance of joy!

I was nervous before the game about how Liverpool would approach it -- whether they'd try to just defend their lead from the first leg and end up paying for it. And they did put on a very organized, disciplined display. Jamie Carragher was awesome once again (I could watch him make tackles like this all day, seriously), and the whole back line was solid, including Arbeloa once again playing out of position at left-back (which makes more sense than you'd think, since Leo Messi cuts inside onto his left foot a lot). They didn't spend the whole game sitting back, though. Liverpool actually had a lot more shots than Barca did, but they just could not hit the net. And I've made that exact same comment way too many times this season. More shooting practice, please, boys?


Tuesday's other games

• Valencia 0 - 0 Inter Milan (2-2 aggregate): Ok, you've all seen the fight, right? Watch it again anyway. It's not like there are any goals to tell you about. Plus, even though we're officially supposed to disapprove of this sort of thing, it's still tremendously entertaining. A twisted kind of credit goes to Valencia's David Navarro for actually breaking Nicolas Burdisso's nose rather than just flapping at him like a sissy, but negative points for then running away afterwards.
  
  
• Chelsea 2 - 1 Porto (3-2 aggregate): Chelsea were hardly dominant in this game, but they were also helped by some terrible goalkeeping from Porto's Helton, who made a complete hash of stopping Arjen Robben's shot. And hey, look at that! Michael Ballack finally did something useful and scored the winning goal. He's been well worth that gazillion pounds a week in wages, eh?
  
  
• Lyon 0 - 2 Roma (0-2 aggregate): Yeah, Roma still have no strikers. But apparently they don't need them.

Manchester United 1 - 0 Lille (2-0 aggregate)
Thank you, Henrik Larsson. If that was his last goal for United, it's a good way to go out. I really wish they were able to keep him, though; he may have only scored three goals so far, but they've been valuable ones. And all of a sudden they're short on strikers, with Louis Saha and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer out injured. And considering that Wayne Rooney is now their only option who (a) is fit and (b) hasn't spent the past year recovering from a horrific injury, maybe the thing to do is not strand him out of position and hope that he'll magically be in form. Yes?

No. Instead Sir Alex opted for the dreaded 4-5-1, with Rooney and Ronaldo on the wings and John O'Shea in the centre in place of Ryan Giggs. There are several possible reasons for this: resting Giggs before this weekend's FA Cup game; trying to placate Lille; giving a start to O'Shea in hopes that he'd repeat his heroics against Liverpool; and/or attempting to drive me around the bend once and for all. But whatever the reason, it didn't work out. Admittedly United were less defensive than they often are with this formation, morphing into a 4-3-3 when they went forward, but that flowing attack is still missing. They desperately need to get their attacking form back for the run-into the season, because they're going to be looking for goals from all over without a guaranteed finisher in the lineup.


Wednesday's other games

• AC Milan 1 - 0 Celtic (1-0 aggregate): Celtic's abysmal away record in Europe continues, but they put on a good show here, taking Milan to extra time before they were defeated by a brilliant goal by Kaka, which was the first time either side had scored in more than three hours of football.
  
  
• Arsenal 1 - 1 PSV Eindhoven (1-2 aggregate): Arsenal's season has gone to shit in less than two weeks, and it's all their own fault. This game was a microcosm of their problems this season: Trying to pass the other team to death rather than shooting, and then, when they did deign to shoot, terrible finishing. They probably would have gone through if they'd been able to score in either leg, but in fact their only goal came courtesy of a PSV player -- Alex, who also scored at the other end to put his own team into the quarter-finals.
  
  
• Bayern Munich 2 - 1 Real Madrid (4-4 aggregate): Real Madrid shot themselves in the foot right from the kickoff, as a mistake by Roberto Carlos let Bayern Munich in for Roy Makaay to score the fastest goal in Champions League history. Bayern went 2-0 up before Real pulled one back with a late penalty, but it wasn't enough as the Spanish side went out on away goals.

Quarter-final draw

1. AC Milan v Bayern Munich - Bayern have already knocked out one former heavyweight in Real Madrid. Can they do it again?
   
2. PSV Eindhoven v Liverpool - Probably the best draw Liverpool could have got, although they can't underestimate PSV.
   
3. Roma v Manchester United - This could be tricky. United should try to take the game to Roma in the away leg.
   
4. Chelsea v Valencia - Go Valencia. That is all.

Semi-finals: W1 v W3, W2 v W4

Champions League Round of 16: February 21

Barcelona 1 - 2 Liverpool
You couldn't write this script, could you? Bellamy scores, Riise scores, and Liverpool leave the Nou Camp with an amazing victory. And Bellamy celebrates with a golf swing, because that's exactly the kind of entertaining asshole he is.

Speaking of scripts, you know who could have used one? The announcers on ESPN. I realize that it's unorthodox to play Alvaro Arbeloa, nominally a right-back, on the left side of defence. (Although, doesn't Zambrotta switch back and forth all the time for Barcelona?) Regardless, it shouldn't have taken them the entire first half to figure this out. Maybe if they'd paid attention to what was actually happening instead of mistakenly berating the players for being out of position.

As for what was happening on the field: Liverpool started off well, but Barcelona gradually cranked up the pressure. A surging run from Zambrotta, a cross to the far post and some slack marking, and Deco (not exactly known for being good in the air) headed home the opening goal. It was all Barca for a while after that, and I was starting to think things were going to end very badly for Liverpool. But they held out and sneaked one back just before halftime. Actually, it was gifted to them by Victor Valdes, who caught Bellamy's header but slipped and let his momentum carry it over the line. (Valdes was apparently in self-destructive mode, as he also picked up a back-pass later in the game.)

Having made it to halftime with the score level, Liverpool looked solid in the second half, stifling every Barcelona attack. Meanwhile, on one of their occasional forays forward, Liverpool scored again, with some poor defending allowing Bellamy to set up Riise for the winning goal. Rijkaard's substitutions, bringing on Iniesta and Giuly, didn't have the intended effect and instead just made the team look disjointed. There were a few moments at the end of the game to make me nervous, including a free kick from Deco that hit the post and Pepe flapping at a couple of crosses, but this was far from being the fluid Barcelona football we're used to seeing. You could say that they just weren't up to par. (HA HA I KILL ME.)


Inter Milan 2 - 2 Valencia
I watched this game with the Spanish commentary, because that's the only version that was on TV here, so I didn't understand a word of what they were saying, aside from the occasional "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!" And it was still miles more enjoyable than the morons from ESPN. For one thing, I didn't spend the whole match wincing every time they mispronounced a player's name or were befuddled by the formation.

Inter were the better team throughout most of the game, and they'll be kicking themselves for conceding those two goals -- especially the second one. Although Valencia started brightly, Inter had the first real chances, first with a clearance from Canizares careening off an attacking player and having to be cleared off the line, and then with another attempt hitting the post. They finally scored from a free kick, with Zlatan Ibrahimovic poking it goalwards and Esteban Cambiasso heading home the rebound. It looked to me like Cambiasso was offside when Ibrahimovic made contact, but although the goal stood, karma was served when he had to go off injured shortly thereafter, apparently from bashing his head on the post in the follow-through. Valencia equalized in the second half with a venomous free kick from David Villa that curled around the wall, but Inter kept up the pressure and went ahead again 10 minutes later. It wasn't enough, though, as they conceded again late in the game to leave Valencia with the advantage heading into the second leg.

Porto 1 - 1 Chelsea
Has somebody out there got a John Terry voodoo doll? Because he's just come back from injury, and he limped out of this game with a sprained ankle after only ten minutes. (I do feel bad for him, actually. Not for Chelsea at all, but I have a bit of sympathy for him. Just a bit. He looked like a kicked puppy on Wednesday.) Anyway, with Terry on the sidelines being treated, Porto rubbed salt into his wounds and took advantage of a poor clearance to score the opening goal. Jose Mourinho responded by putting on Arjen Robben, and the substitution had an immediate impact, as Robben set up Andriy Shevchenko for the equalizer. I seem to recall saying that without Robben, Chelsea's attack looks unbalanced; does this mean I can start calling myself the Special One? Robben had to come off with an injury at halftime, and Chelsea were unable to score again despite dominating possession. Still, they'll be happy to take this result back to Stamford Bridge. They'd be happier if they were taking a healthy John Terry back as well.

Roma 0 - 0 Lyon
Another draw. Woo. I see that Roma are still playing with their "Strikers? Who needs 'em?" lineup, which probably explains why there wasn't even a goal to enliven things.

Champions League Round of 16: Part 2

Second verse, same as the first: Wednesday's games.

Roma - Lyon
Wheeee, two teams I don't care about at all. That being said, I hope that Roma win, because Lyon annoy me for some undefinable reason. I think the French team will win, though, because Roma have been up and down this season, whereas Lyon are currently thrashing everybody else in Ligue 1 and can afford to divert some of their attention to European competition.

Barcelona - Liverpool
There's been a lot of infighting going on at the Nou Camp recently -- but at least none of the Barca players have been beating their teammates with golf clubs. That we know of. Aside from whatever the hell has been going on at their training camp in Portugal (which, frankly, I wonder how much it's been blown out of proportion by the media, but regardless it's idiotic behavious and it's the last thing they need right now), I think there are two main issues. First of all, obviously, is shutting down the Barcelona attack. Samuel Eto'o may not be 100% fit, but still the thought of Steve Finnan and a gimpy John Arne Riise up against Ronaldinho and Leo Messi is a bit terrifying. The other question is where the goals are going to come from for the Reds. They've put in some uninspiring displays against Everton and Newcastle recently, and I suspect they're going to miss Luis Garcia's uncanny ability to conjure up European goals out of nowhere. I really want to think that Liverpool can win, but I'm going to go with Barcelona, just so I can be pleasantly surprised if I'm wrong.

Porto - Chelsea
Chelsea are going to win this one, aren't they? Just so Jose Mourinho can go on being insufferable. Not that I'd really want to cheer for Porto either, since (a) the residual taint of Mourinho lingers and (b) I'm still mad at the whole country of Portugal after the World Cup. Anyway, Chelsea have got John Terry back now, which is apparently all they needed -- who cares that they're down to two centre-backs again, with Khalid Boulahrouz injured. Michael Ballack may be out as well, but I think that would actually help them, because it gives Mourinho a reason to start Arjen Robben and kickstart their attack, which has looked kind of aimless without any wingers. As for Andriy Shevchenko: well, he's doing great against teams from the Championship. So the Champions League should be no trouble at all, right?

Inter Milan - Valencia
Valencia may have topped their group easily, but I think Inter are going to knock them out here. Which sucks, because Inter are another of those teams that I inexplicably dislike (hey, football is all about irrational likes and dislikes, ok? I just go with it). The Nerazzurri are cruising at the top of Serie A right now, thanks partly to the aftermath of last year's scandal but largely due to their own unstoppable form -- they're currently on a record 16-game winning streak. Valencia are doing okay in La Liga, sitting in third place, but Inter are a steamroller.

Back to reality

Now that I'm back from Tokyo and partially recovered from the jet lag, it's time to catch up.

The trip to Japan was amazing -- thanks to OleOle.com for the opportunity, and to Chris, Ian, Mauricio and Suleiman for keeping me (mostly) sane on the convoluted Tokyo public transit system. There's a more complete wrap-up over there, but the final result was that Barcelona lost 1-0 to Brazilian side Internacional in the final. Despite the loss, Deco was awarded the Ballon d'Or as the tournament's best player. His prize consisted of a giant gold key and a Toyota Prius. Doesn't he just look thrilled?

Also, Internacional captain Fernandao wants to eat your face.

Back in the Premiership, Liverpool have finally broken the curse of the yellow kits, with a 3-0 win over Charlton, including a penalty that the Addicks conceded after Champions League winner Djimi Traore (heeee) kicked Jermaine Pennant in the head. By accident, I'm sure, although he's probably not the first person to be tempted to do that. There was more love for Pepe Reina, though he doesn't look too happy at being molested by a shirtless Scouser. Can't say that I blame him.

Manchester United, meanwhile, have managed to waste their nine-point lead and are now just two points clear at the top of the table, after losing 1-0 to West Ham. Way to go, boys. I know the Hammers may have been benefiting from the "new manager" effect or whatever, but somehow I doubt that Curbishley is that much of a miracle worker. And continuing with today's theme of somewhat disturbing images, here are Rio Ferdinand and his brother Anton fighting for the ball.

As for the Champions League draw, I found out about it the day after I'd watched Barcelona administer a 4-0 spanking to some poor Mexican team in the semi-finals in Japan. So I was, as you might imagine, not too happy that Liverpool drew them in the next round. I'm slightly less pessimistic now, since Internacional proved in the final that Barça can be beaten, but it's still going to be tough -- especially if Samuel Eto'o and Lionel Messi are back fit by then. The other English sides got relatively easy draws, but then if Man United can't beat West Ham, who knows about Lille.

The Carling Cup tie between Liverpool and Arsenal last night was postponed due to fog. The Liverpool players' response was to use the referees for target practice, because all footballers are really overgrown 12-year-old boys.



And finally, since it appears that my parents are now reading this blog: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I promise to try to cut down on the profanity.

Champions League Matchday 6

Group A
Chelsea 2-0 Levski Sofia
Barcelona 2-0 Werder Bremen

It seems that Ronaldinho is back to his best, and that means Barcelona are too -- even with half of their offence out injured. His ridiculously cocky free kick in the opening 15 minutes -- plus a possibly offside goal from Eidur Gudjohnsen -- means that Barca have survived to the next round. Werder Bremen dominated in the second half but the final ball just wasn't there, and it was too late by that point; they'll have to settle for intimidating teams in the UEFA Cup.

At Stamford Bridge, Chelsea earned the top spot in the group thanks to two rarities: goals from Andriy Shevchenko and Shaun Wright-Phillips. Awww, they let SWP out to play! Isn't that sweet?


Group B
Sporting Lisbon 1-3 Spartak Moscow
Bayern Munich 1-1 Inter Milan

Bayern clinched first place with their draw against Inter, who are also through to the knockout stages. Spartak Moscow squeaked into the UEFA Cup by beating Sporting.


Group C
Galatasaray 3-2 Liverpool
PSV Eindhoven 1-3 Bordeaux

Liverpool had already guaranteed themselves first place in Group C, so they fielded their B team (or, as YNBA put it, "Robbie and the kids," which is also the name of my new band) against Galatasaray. And it seems their thing to do in Istanbul is to concede three goals, except this time without the miraculous comeback and all that. You will note that they were also wearing ugly kits -- not as bad as the yellow ones, but still not good, and not even Xabi Alonso in white shorts will convince me otherwise.

Meanwhile, Bordeaux earned themselves a place in the UEFA Cup with a win over PSV. They will now go on to get slaughtered by Werder Bremen or something.


Group D
Olympiacos 1-1 Shakhtar Donetsk
Roma 1-0 Valencia

TSN, for whatever reason, chose to show the Roma-Valencia game, and I chose to watch it in the mistaken belief that it would be interesting, with Roma's place in the knockout round still up for grabs. Yeah, not so much. Instead, most of the interest came from wondering (a) how many ways Shep Messing could find to screw up the players' names ("Toe-ti," anyone?) and (b) just what kind of a name is "Shep," anyway? (It sounds like a name for a dog, not a person!)

Roma's win means they go through to the next round behind Valencia, while Shakhtar Donetsk are in the UEFA Cup, and Olympiacos are out.


Group E
Dynamo Kiev 2-2 Real Madrid
Lyon 1-1 Steaua Bucharest

Lyon and Real Madrid are both into the knockout rounds after drawing; Steaua gets the consolation prize of the UEFA Cup.


Group F
Manchester United 3-1 Benfica
Copenhagen 3-1 Celtic

Memo to Sir Alex: SACK UP. How many times is he going to fool around with 4-5-1, marooning Wayne Rooney out on the wing, before he realizes that it just does not work? Benfica's goal did come against the run of play in the opening half-hour, but United were still playing way below their potential. After that Fergie realized they were going to have to attack the game, grew some balls and switched back to 4-4-2. And lo and behold, they took Benfica apart. United managed to finish on top of the group, despite wasting their chances to kill things off in the last two matchdays.

In the other game, Copenhagen took advantage of Celtic's continuing dreadful away form in Europe, but it wasn't enough to keep them from finishing bottom of the group.


Group G
Porto 0-0 Arsenal
Hamburg 3-2 CSKA Moscow

The thing about the final round of group games is that you get some matches where everything is up for grabs, so it's utterly insane, and then other matches where there's nothing to play for, so it's utterly boring. And then there are other matches where everything is up in the air and yet they're just insanely boring, like Arsenal's goalless draw with Porto. Apparently the Gooners had a grand total of one shot on goal. Still, they finished top of the group, so maybe Thierry Henry will stop whining for a day or two.

Porto are through to the next round as well, as CKSKA Moscow lost; Hamburg finally managed to grab some points in their last match, but they're out nonetheless.


Group H
Anderlecht 2-2 AEK Athens
AC Milan 0-2 Lille

Milan have somewhat made up for their crappy domestic season by qualifying at the top of the group, despite the loss to Lille, who are also through. Hapless Anderlecht wasted a 2-0 lead against AEK, who go on to the UEFA Cup.

Champions League Matchday 4: Barcelona v. Chelsea by the numbers

• Yellow cards: 10
  
  
• Yellow cards (apparently) shown to Ashley Cole: 2
  
  
• Players sent off (somewhat miraculously): 0
  
  
• Times players ended up rolling around on the ground in agony: 83
  
  
• Percentage of those incidents where they were actually injured: 12%
  
  
• Groins stamped on: 2
  
  
• "I meant to do that...no, really" goals from Frank Lampard: 1
  
  
• Times the idiot announcer referred to Frank Lampard as the Chelsea captain: 2
  
  
• Times Leo Messi made the Chelsea defenders look like tits: 37
  
  
• Insert your own "they don't really need any help with that" joke here
  
  
• Times I yelled "Fuck off, Mourinho": Ohhh, infinite

Also, some brilliant post-match commentary from John Terry:

"It's a shame when you see world-class players trying to get others booked. Maybe Barcelona feel a bit threatened by us. They were under pressure from their own fans going into the game after losing at Stamford Bridge two weeks ago. They are a great side but we are not too sure why they are so cynical. They were waving cards in the referee's face and it's disappointing when he falls for it."

It's good to see that JT is above all that petty stuff.

Champions League Matchday 3: October 18

Bordeaux 0-1 Liverpool
I think Rafa got scared by the Galatasaray match, where Liverpool took a 3-0 lead and then gave up a couple of cheap goals. Because although they started the game with a supposedly attacking formation -- 4-4-2, with Gonzalez and Garcia on the wings -- they played very cautiously. Sure, a safe away win is a good thing, but against a team like Bordeaux, you shouldn't have to sit back and let them bring the game to you. Liverpool spent way too much time just hoofing the ball up to the strikers, rather than trying to work possession through midfield. Not only does that waste Xabi Alonso's talents in midfield, but it also puts too much pressure on a defence that's been proven to be shaky this season.

So what is wrong with Liverpool's back line? Well, it's possible that they've all suddenly been infected by Titus Bramble syndrome. But here's my theory: They don't completely trust each other any more. Last year, they had a run of clean sheets, a solid lineup game after game, and Pepe Reina having a great first season in the Premiership. This year, they've had Daniel Agger and Fabio Aurelio trying to get settled in the starting lineup, a few blunders from Reina, and the clean sheets are gone. You can't point to one element or another as the root cause, but the result is a lack of confidence, both individually and collectively.

If you're not 100% sure that the man next to you is going to do his job, you can't focus on your own job properly either. That means that players are more likely to get drawn out of position, just in case they have to cover for the person beside them. It means you get two players both half-marking a man, and then neither of them going with him when he makes a run. And I think this is why Liverpool have looked particularly vulnerable on crosses -- it's easier to keep your shape when you're moving up and down the pitch, as opposed to being pulled sideways by a ball in from the wing. Compounded, of course, by Reina being in a bit of a slump, so the defenders aren't sure when to go for the cross, or if the keeper is going to get to it or not.

I do think they'll get it worked out eventually, but it'll take a run of games to build that confidence back up. And the upcoming game against Manchester United this weekend -- with Ryan Giggs and Cristiano Ronaldo running at them for 90 minutes -- is probably not going to help.


Chelsea 1-0 Barcelona
I didn't think it was possible to hate Didier Drogba any more than I did last year. But now that he's actually playing well? And still being an ass? Yeah, I was wrong.

Much as I don't like to admit it, Chelsea were the better team. The £24 million they spent on Michael Essien is looking a bargain. (I still wish that United had bought him, instead of Michael Carrick. Yeah, Essien's kind of a thug. But at least he doesn't put you to sleep watching.) And Khalid Boulahrouz kept Ronaldinho in his back pocket all night -- which is more than you can say about Ashley Cole against Lionel Messi. But without Samuel Eto'o to head up the attack, all of Barca's fancy-schmancy passing was essentially useless. They're like an orchestra without a first violin. Chelsea, on the other hand, are a sledgehammer. (Insert your own Frank Lampard joke here.)


Other results
Werder Bremen 2-0 Levski Sofia
Inter Milan 2-1 Spartak Moscow
Sporting Lisbon 0-1 Bayern Munich
Galatasaray 1-2 PSV Eindhoven
Olympiacos 0-1 Roma
Valencia 2-0 Shakhtar Donetsk

Champions League Final

Barcelona 2 - 1 Arsenal
The dream final, they called this one. And it was memorable, but not exactly for the reasons everyone expected. Ronaldinho was merely good but not brilliant. Thierry Henry failed to score in what was probably the most important game of his career. And then there was that inevitable moment of lunacy from Mad Jens when he hauled down Ludovic Giuly.

All credit to Arsenal, because they certainly didn't play like they were a man down. They even went ahead, thanks to Emmanuel Eboue diving on the edge of the Barcelona box, and Sol Campbell heading the resulting free kick into the back of the net. And they could have extended their lead, if not for some missed chances in the second half. But the Gunners just couldn't hold out long enough, and when Samuel Eto'o finally slipped through the defence to equalize in the 75th minute, you could almost see the fight drain out of them. It wasn't a surprise when Barcelona scored again less than five minutes later.

After that Barca just held onto the ball and ran down the clock, but up until then it had been a fantastic game to watch as a neutral. Barcelona and Arsenal are supposedly two of the most stylish teams in European football, and there was certainly some pretty passing, but also lots of scything challenges -- although the pouring rain probably contributed to that. I half expected to see pairs of animals lining up along the touchline.

The good news for England fans is that Sol Campbell was solid at the back, so he's probably not going to have another wobbly in the next couple of months, and Ashley Cole looked good as well (aside from his ridiculous chin pubes; what, he couldn't find time to shave properly during all those months he was out?). The bad news is that they'll have to face Henrik Larsson when they play Sweden, and he's the one who created both goals for Barcelona.

You know, I like Thierry Henry -- he's extremely talented and he usually seems like a classy player. So I'm disappointed that he decided to take a page out of Jose Mourinho's Big Book Of Whiny Crybaby Excuses, and blame the referee. Yes, the refereeing wasn't great, but I think the errors were pretty evenly balanced against both teams, and the biggest one -- sending off Lehmann -- Terje Hauge got right. He could have held off on blowing his whistle, let the goal stand and shown Lehmann a yellow card instead, but the red card was fair, and frankly I think that Barca would have won anyway. Maybe Henry should spend less time pointing fingers and more time wondering why he couldn't score, even when he was one on one against the keeper.

The broadcast also reminded me (as if I needed any more reasons) how much I hate the ESPN feed. For this game, in addition to Tommy Smythe, rapidly becoming a caricature of himself, and Janusz Michallik, who's just as useless as a pitchside commentator as he is in the booth, we were also treated to Marcelo Balboa, former U.S. national team member and giant tool. His main contribution was enthusiastically defending Eboue for diving to win the free kick and then slamming Deco for trying the exact same thing later in the game. Also: Anthony LaPaglia as halftime analyst. WTF. Please tell me this isn't what I have to look forward to for the World Cup.

Champions League Semi-finals: April 25-26

So, Arsenal vs. Barcelona in Paris it is, then. (Insert your own joke here about it being a home game for the Gunners.) Let's hope the final is more exciting than the semis were.

Villareal 0 - 0 Arsenal (aggregate 0-1)
Jens Lehmann gets to play the hero, after saving the crucial penalty (and, incidentally, makes Jurgen Klinsmann look like a genius -- at least until Mad Jens has his next brain cramp). I thought it was an extremely soft penalty...and this is coming from someone who saw how easily Stevie G went down in Istanbul last year. Other than appealing for the spot-kick, though, it didn't look like there was any sense of urgency from Villareal. I know Riquelme always looks like he's playing in slow-motion, but I didn't realize that was true of the entire team.

Meanwhile, the curse on the Arsenal left-backs continues, as Mathieu Flamini limped off after less that 10 minutes. My latest theory is that Ashley Cole is at home making voodoo dolls to prevent anyone stealing his spot while he's out injured. But the rest of the defense lived up valiantly to their title as the Liverpool of 2006. And at the other end of the pitch, Thierry Henry had almost nothing to do, other than shrugging French-ily and fending off pitch invaders (please tell me I'm not the only one who was amused by that). He and the Villareal keeper, whose name I can't be bothered looking up, probably could have gone off for sangria and nobody would have noticed.


Barcelona 0 - 0 Milan (aggregate 1-0)
I could have sworn that Barca and Milan were supposed to be two of the best attacking sides in Europe. And yet over two legs they mustered a whopping one goal between them. Sure, just like the first game, it was a wide open, end-to-end match, but does that really matter if there's no bulge in the old onion bag (to quote everybody's favourite idiot Tommy Smyth)?

Maybe that's not entirely fair to Barca, because they did play very well, and Dida had a good game for Milan -- for a change. But the only time the ball found the back of the net was from a header from Shevchenko, and that one was ruled out for an imaginary foul. On the other hand, even if Milan had managed to take the game to extra time, I suspect that Barcelona would have pulled out the win. Ronaldinho couldn't have kept wasting his free kicks indefinitely. Bah. Possibly I'm just cranky because I won't get to watch Sheva swap shirts with anyone next month.

Champions League Semi-finals: April 18-19

Either I'm getting slightly footballed-out, or neither of these games was all that interesting. The highlight of the two matches was the squirrel on the pitch at Highbury.

Anyway, both games finished one-nil, with the better team taking the lead, and in both cases everything is still up for grabs heading into the second leg, which ought to be a lot more exciting to watch. (If not, hopefully the squirrels in Spain are practicing their nutmegs right now.)

AC Milan 0 - 1 Barcelona
The difference in this one came down to the two Brazilian midfielders: Kaka had a few spells of good play for Mila, but ultimately couldn't create anything, whereas Ronaldinho came through with that moment of brilliance, chipping the ball through to Giuly for the only goal of the game. If Milan have any hope of getting through this round, they have to find a way to control Ronaldinho and his crazy teeth -- and also figure out how to put away some of their chances, because right now Shevchenko has been reduced to running his fingers through his hair in frustration every time he puts a shot wide, and Gilardino just seems to be under some kind of Champions League curse.

Arsenal 1 - 0 Villareal
Aside from the squirrel, and Arsene Wenger having a tizzy on the sidelines, the big talking point from this game was the refereeing. Villareal were upset that Gilberto Silva (I may have to take back some of what I said about him being useless) didn't get called for hacking down Jose Mari from behind on the edge of the box. I'm not sure if it was a penalty, but it definitely should have been a free kick in a dangerous position -- especially with Riquelme standing over the ball. On the other hand, Henry had a goal wrongly ruled out for offside, so it all kind of works out in the end -- of course, it's easier to say that when the team you're cheering for wins.

Champions League Quarter-finals: April 5

I am officially one for four in my predictions for this round. Excellent. If I try to make predictions for the World Cup, somebody stop me, please?

Juventus 0 - 0 Arsenal (aggregate 0-2)
Arsenal could have come to Turin determined to just sit back and defend their lead, the way Liverpool did last year. But that's not the way they play, so it was a very open game. Both sides had some decent chances but Arsenal still looked like the better team -- although it took a couple of excellent tackles from Kolo Toure and some good saves from Lehmann to keep them in it.

Pavel Nedved was supposed to provide the spark for Juventus that had been missing from the first leg. Which I suppose he did, if by "spark" you mean getting flagged for offside, tossing his Farrah Fawcett hair petulantly at the refee, and finally getting sent off for a reckless challenge on Eboue. Game over for Juve.


Barcelona 2 - 0 Benfica (aggregate 2-0)
Barcelona had a chance at a penalty in the first five minutes, after a handball in the box, but Ronaldinho's shot wasn't well placed and the Benfica keeper saved it. Ronaldinho made up for it later by scoring Barca's first goal, from a cross from Eto'o. Benfica had been sloppy around their own penalty area, giving the ball away too easily, and Barcelona can create chances from nothing if you give them the tiniest bit of space.

The geniuses at TSN skipped over the first 25 minutes of the second half for no apparent reason, but from the scoreline I guess it wasn't that interesting. They did pick up the broadcast in time for me to see Eto'o kill off the game with a second goal.

Champions League Quarter-finals: March 28

Arsenal 2 - 0 Juventus
I'm off to a stellar start with my predictions once again. Arsene Wenger, on the other hand, apparently was looking in a crystal ball when he decided to sell Patrick Vieira at the end of last season, because last night the former terror of Highbury got taken apart by an 18-year-old muppet from Spain. And the rest of the Juventus team was equally useless. That's the thing about playing against a bunch of youngsters: they can run you into the ground, like Arsenal did here. It even seems to have rubbed off on Pires and Reyes, who usually spend most of their time falling over and sulking extravagantly.

Arsenal still have a tough game when they head to Turin for the return leg, but the odds are in their favour now, especially with Vieira, Camoranesi and Zebina suspended after they collectively lost the plot in this match. Liverpool managed to keep a clean sheet against Juventus in same fixture last year, and if they can do it then Arsenal should be able to do the same, even with their makeshift back line (at least they don't have Djimi Traore).


Benfica 0 - 0 Barcelona
Raise your hands if you were expecting a scoreless draw. Yeah, me neither. It was fun to watch, though -- very open play, lots of end-to-end stuff, although the possession stats were about 60/40 in favour of Barca in the first half. They should have been up by three or four goals at that point, but they'd missed some gilt-edged chances. Benfica, in contrast, were shooting from 25 or 30 yards out all the time, rather than trying to thread their way through the Barcelona defence -- which you would have thought was a good idea, with Puyol missing and all.

My tape cut out five minutes just after halftime, thanks to my inability to read the TV guide properly, but I'm going to assume the second half was more of the same: Barcelona toying with Benfica but failing to put in any decent shots on goal, Benfica breaking forward to counterattack whenever they could, and the Benfica keeper alternating between moments of brilliance and fits of complete lunacy.