Premiership Weekend Roundup: April 19-20

Blackburn 1-1 Manchester United
As I said last week, Blackburn are usually a tough team to play, but still I was hoping for more from United after Liverpool beat them the week before. I don't know if they were too keyed up, with the Premier League title almost within their grasp if they won here, but whatever the reason, they didn't start the game very well. Roque Santa Cruz put Blackburn ahead in the first half, getting between Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic, and United had to fight hard to get themselves back into the match. (Wayne Rooney, actually, took the fighting part a little too seriously, spending most of the match shouting at the referee for his perceived deficiencies.) Finally, in the 88th minute, Carlos Tevez popped up with another crucial goal, heading home from a corner. The draw at least means that even if United lose at Stamford Bridge this weekend, they can still win the title as long as they beat both Wigan and West Ham, thanks to their massively superior goal difference. But I'm nervous.

Fulham 0-2 Liverpool
Much like this fixture last year, Rafa Benitez put out a weakened lineup ahead of a crucial Champions League game, but it didn't help Fulham as they were comprehensively outplayed. I'd say that only about four of the Liverpool players are guaranteed to start tomorrow, but they all played as if they were trying to prove that they deserved a spot. Jermaine Pennant certainly might feel that he's earned a chance in place of Dirk Kuyt, as he scored the first goal and set up the second one -- although in both cases I think Kasey Keller could have done better to save them. Anyway, Liverpool have opened up an eight-point gap over Everton in the fight for fourth place, so they can relax a bit in the league, while Fulham are on the verge of relegation now.

Arsenal 2-0 Reading
With nothing much left to play for, Arsenal had an easy time of it against a lacklustre Reading side who are just hoping to survive in the Premiership. The Gunners were two goals up by halftime and could have easily had more in the second half, but were denied by the crossbar more than once. Highlight was probably the excellent performance from Theo Walcott, given a start for a change instead of coming on for a substitute. Lowlight was Alexander Hleb inexplicably smacking Graeme Murty in the face -- although the ref didn't see it. It'll be interesting to see if there's any retrospective punishment for that.

Aston Villa 5-1 Birmingham
It must really suck to be a Birmingham supporter today. Ouch. They were utterly taken apart by Villa, sparked by Ashley Young, who picked a good day to perform (um, not like that), with Fabio Capello watching. Young scored two goals, set up another for John Carew (who also bagged two), and along with Gabriel Agbonlahor, his pace was giving the Birmingham defenders fits. They did get a consolation goal in the second half, but it was cancelled out not much later as Agbonlahor scored Villa's fifth. Gareth Barry had a good game in the middle of the park, too. I can sort of understand why there are rumours floating around that Liverpool want to buy him, but don't they have a surfeit of central midfielders already?

Newcastle 2-0 Sunderland
Okay, Newcastle somehow are undefeated in the past six games. And -- even more astonishing -- they've kept a clean sheet in the last three of those. What the hell? Has Kevin Keegan given all their defenders brain transplants or something? (Maybe stem cells from Paolo Maldini?) They're doing pretty well at the other end of the pitch, too, with Michael Owen scoring six times in six games, and seeming to revel in his new role linking the midfielders and strikers. He looks revitalized -- even without the stimulus of the Euros this summer -- and I'm curious to see what Fabio Capello will do with him now.

Other results
Manchester City 3-1 Portsmouth
Middlesbrough 0-1 Bolton
West Ham 2-1 Derby
Wigan 1-1 Tottenham

Why do I always seem to be away during Champions League weeks?

Apologies for the lack of posts around here, but I've been on vacation all week. I meant to put something up before I left, but an insufficient amount of time and an oversufficient amount of alcohol conspired against it. Probably just as well, because all my Champions League predictions would have been woefully inaccurate.

The resort did have ESPN, but even I wasn't about to give up valuable beach time in favour of watching football. So I'm just catching up now.

• I did see the second half of United's game against Roma, as they took a 2-0 lead home to Old Trafford. It looked like a solid performance, not as over-cautious as they too often are when playing away in Europe. And Cristiano Ronaldo will have shut a few more people up with his goal here. The bad news is the injury to Nemanja Vidic; combined with Rio Ferdinand limping out of their game on the weekend, it leaves the back line looking rather shaky. Reminds me of last season, actually, when I think seem to recall them being forced into playing Darren Fletcher at right-back.
  
  
• Liverpool drew 1-1 with Arsenal at the Emirates, which gives them a slight advantage going into the second leg. But it's a very slight advantage. It's quite possible that Fernando Torres will score a brilliant goal and they'll put together another magnificent defensive performance and stymie Arsenal for 90 minutes, but it's equally possible that Pepe Reina will have a brain fart and then Dirk Kuyt will fall over his own feet when presented with an open net. I am expecting dreading that it's going to be another 1-1 followed by penalties.
  
  
• Chelsea took the lead against Fenerbahce through an own-goal, but then gave up two goals in the second half; it was the reverse of many of their games this season, as they played well but still lost. Ha. And Barcelona beat Schalke, as expected, albeit by only one goal -- the first Champions League goal for wunderkind Bojan Krkic.
  
  
• Meanwhile, in the league, United started the week by destroying Villa 4-0, demonstrating what they can do if you are foolish enough to go to Old Trafford and attempt to play rather than stringing 11 men across the goalmouth. They followed that up with a snowy 2-2 draw at Middlesbrough, who have been surprisingly tough against the so-called big teams this year. Uh-oh.
  
  
• Liverpool faced a couple of tricky games but have done pretty well, beating Everton 1-0 in the derby and then drawing against Arsenal with their second-string team in the league game sandwiched between their two Champions League matches. They still have only a narrow lead over Everton in the table, but it should be enough to preserve their spot in the top four. The boardroom drama continues; I continue to stick my fingers in my ears and chant "La la la I can't hear you."
  
  
• Chelsea are still steadily winning games, beating Middlesbrough and then Man City. They're now only three points behind Manchester United and I'm starting to get a bit worried. But I refuse to believe that United can be caught by a team managed by one of the Gorgs from Fraggle Rock.
  
  
• Arsenal staged an amazing comeback last weekend, beating a doomed Bolton 3-2 after going down 2-0 and then having a man sent off. I was laughing at them when I left for the airport at halftime, and then they had to go and win after all, the bastards.
  
  
• Also, Newcastle apparently don't suck anymore...when did that happen?
  
  
• In the FA Cup, Portsmouth beat West Brom and Cardiff beat Barnsley, both one-nil, to reach the finals. I am trying to care and failing miserably, especially now that designated minnows Barnsley are out.
  
  
• And here at home, Toronto FC are off to another dismal start to the season, losing their first two games on the road, against Columbus and DC United. I think this could be a chronic problem for them, because they're probably going to start every season away from home while they wait for the snow to melt. Makes it hard to build any sort of momentum when you've already dropped points in your first few games. A bit of good news (I guess?) is that they've signed Laurent Robert from Derby. Yeah, only in MLS is picking up a player from the worst team in the Premiership seen as an asset.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: March 8-9

Liverpool 3-0 Newcastle
Rafa resisted the urge to rotate too much ahead of Liverpool's Champions League rematch with Inter, just choosing to bring in Pennant and Benayoun and rest Kuyt and Babel on the wings, and forced to replace the injured Mascherano with Lucas. But he left Gerrard and Torres in the starting lineup, and with the terrific form they're both in right now, you wouldn't want to see them left out anyway.

Not only are they playing well individually, but they've developed a fantastic understanding between the two of them. Gerrard set up Torres for one goal, and he returned the favour for another. (Meanwhile, Michael Owen, who in an alternate universe would have come to Anfield this summer instead of Torres, was wandering around looking sad and lonely up front for Newcastle.)

It took a while for Liverpool to find the opening goal, as Newcastle's defence were slightly less hopeless than usual -- and they did need a bit of luck, with Luis Enrique's clearance shanked off Pennant and looping into the net. But Torres's goal came just a couple minutes later, and then Gerrard finished things off early in the second half. That gave Liverpool a comfortable three-goal lead and let Rafa substitute his star players and wrap them up in cotton wool for a couple days.

So that was enjoyable. The only thing that bugged me was the way the commentators kept going on about how Liverpool's play had deteriorated once Gerrard and Torres came off, as if the rest of the team was just shit. Sure, they were less threatening after that, but you don't suppose it might have had something to do with the fact that they were three goals up and didn't really need to push themselves? Bah.

Wigan 0-0 Arsenal
Arsenal were held to a draw once again, frustrated by a combination of hard work by Wigan and a few good saves by Chris Kirkland. Even Robin van Persie's return from injury as a substitute here wasn't enough to bring them a goal. Wigan were constantly hustling to close Arsenal down and stop them getting into their passing rhythm, although didn't ever look likely to score in their own right. And Arsenal were also hampered by the terrible pitch, which was reminiscent of some of the mudslikes that my rec league plays on. Anyway, they've dropped more points, which is great news for United snapping at their heels.

Tottenham 4-0 West Ham
West Ham really do need to shore up their defence; they conceded two goals in the first 10 minutes here, both from Tom Huddlestone free kicks that were headed home by Berbatov. And they didn't help themselves when Boa Morte was sent off before halftime for a second late tackle -- and he was lucky to have lasted as long as he did. The Hammers have now lost 4-0 for the past three games in a row, which is abysmal -- although the results don't seem to have made much difference, because they're still marooned alone in mid-table no man's land. As for Tottenham, it looks like they've finally shaken off their hangover, although it may not help them with the UEFA Cup.

Other results
Blackburn 1-1 Fulham
Reading 2-0 Manchester City
Sunderland 0-1 Everton

Premiership Weekend Roundup: February 23-24

Liverpool 3-2 Middlesbrough
Just in case you needed reminding: Fernando Torres was worth every penny that Rafa Benitez paid for him this summer. His hat-trick here -- which was his second of the season, by the way -- was pretty much the only good thing about Liverpool in this game. Plus an honorable mention to Sami Hyypia, who's having a much better season than anyone expected and had to shepherd Alvaro Arbeloa through the match at centre-half.

Liverpool's back line is carrying a few injuries right now, and Jamie Carragher was suspended on Saturday, so maybe that's why their defending was so awful all game. Tuncay scored Middlesborough's first goal with an unmarked header, and could have had a second goal if he hadn't decided to put the ball in the net with his arm rather than his head. All because of sloppy play by Liverpool, who seem to be making things way harder for themselves than they need to be.

But back to Torres: He's got strength, speed, skill on the ball and, at least at the moment, lethal finishing. (I've also seen him guilty of some shocking misses, but right now, wow, is he on form.) He pounced on a brainless back-header from Julio Arca for the first goal, rounding the keeper and avoiding a couple of tackles before slotting the ball home. For his second, just a couple minutes later, he made himself a yard of space and smashed the ball past the keeper into the corner of the net with a combination of power and precision that Steven Gerrard would have been proud of. The third goal I didn't see, no thanks to Setanta, but we'll assume it was just as good.

As for the rest of the team, the less said, the better. I thought that Lucas in particular was useless, and I'm not just saying that because of my thing about Xabi Alonso. I do like the 4-2-3-1 formation that they were playing, but I think it works better if you've got two proper wingers (i.e., not Dirk Kuyt). It also can leave you playing very narrow if the fullbacks don't get forward -- or, alternatively, vulnerable on the flanks to crosses like the ones Boro were putting in all game.

I feel like I also should say something about the red card for Aliadiere at the end of the game, but did it really make a difference? Maybe Mascherano was lucky not to be sent off as well; maybe the ref didn't see it; maybe he figured it was less serious since Mascherano didn't actually take a swing at another player. Who knows.


Newcastle 1-5 Manchester United
Newcastle really are a farce, aren't they? There were points during the game on Saturday where Manchester United just looked like they were playing with them.

The most glaring problem is their defence, or lack thereof. (I kind of wondered when Shay Given went off at halftime if it was not because of an injury but because he just couldn't cope with the incompetence in front of him anymore.) It was obvious from United's first goal, when Cristiano Ronaldo's cross found Wayne Rooney in acres of space in the box, after N'Zogbia had decided that marking him was optional. The second goal was more about a great ball from Michael Carrick -- who had an excellent game, and I feel compelled to point this out because I've criticized him a lot in the past, but he's getting quite good at those perfectly weighted passes through the defence for the strikers to feed on.

The third: well, more hopeless defending; I think some Newcastle player tried to make a tackle, but failed utterly and let Ronaldo in on goal for his second of the game. Newcastle did pull a goal back off a corner late in the second half, but it was too little, too late. And United responded by scoring again almost immediately: Newcastle didn't clear their lines and Rooney looped the ball into the top corner. Plus another one in stoppage time, as Rooney, despite being on a hat-trick, unselfishly set up Louis Saha, who was in a better position to score and did. United haven't had many easier games this season -- aside from maybe the last time they played Newcastle. And with Arsenal dropping points earlier in the day, they've cut the gap at the top of the table to a very slim three points.


Arsenal 2-2 Birmingham
No schadenfreude from me today. I can't really take pleasure in any game with an injury as horrific as the one to Eduardo, even if it does end up with Arsenal dropping points. I haven't seen any graphic pictures of the tackle, but based on what I've read, I don't want to see them either. (I'd prefer to be able to play tonight and not be paranoid about getting hurt.) I don't think Martin Taylor intended to hurt Eduardo -- it didn't look like a malicious tackle, from what I saw -- but it was late and high, and he thoroughly deserved to be sent off.

Birminham, surprisingly, took a first-half lead with a free kick by James McFadden, as the Arsenal players looked a bit shell-shocked by what had happened. But Arsenal came back strongly after halftime with two goals from Theo Walcott -- his first and second Premiership goals ever. Arsenal dominated for the remainder of the game but didn't convert that dominance into another goal. And they paid for it when Birmingham were awarded a penalty deep into stoppage time, with Gael Clichy switching off for a moment instead of clearing the ball and then committing a foul trying to win it back.

Finally: I was thoroughly unimpressed by William Gallas's behaviour at the end of the match. I've come across other commentators saying that he was upset because he'd wanted to win the game for Eduardo, but to me it looked more like he was pissed off at his teammates for fucking up. Not very captainly.


Other results
Blackburn 4-1 Bolton
Fulham 0-1 West Ham
Portsmouth 1-0 Sunderland
Reading 1-2 Aston Villa
Wigan 2-0 Derby

Premiership Weekend Roundup: February 9-10

Manchester United 1-2 Manchester City
So, I have a theory: United decided that they wanted people to properly appreciate the tragedy of Munich. That sense of desolation that the team and the fans must have felt. And the best way to do that? Lose the derby.

If I'm being serious, I suspect that the occasion did get to them. the after-effects of an international week probably didn't help either, because they looked pretty sluggish out there. A lot of sloppy passes. Matt Busby would not have approved.

From a happier perspective, I do like those retro kits. Ryan Giggs in particular looks like he was born to wear them.

Chelsea 0-0 Liverpool
I feel like I say this about Liverpool every week, but: Out of context, a draw away to Chelsea isn't a bad result. Chelsea are very hard to beat at Stamford Bridge. The problem is that Liverpool desperately need to rack up a few wins. They're still in fifth place now, and all that talk about having a game in hand is kind of pointless because chances aren't too good that they'll actually turn that into three points.

Liverpool were probably the better team, which is not saying much as they were both mediocre. But Liverpool did at least muster up a shot on goal, which is more than Chelsea managed. It was weird: with United losing and Arsenal yet to play, you'd expect Chelsea to grab this chance to close the gap, but they didn't look like they really wanted to win the game. As for Liverpool, two words for you: Dirk Kuyt.

Aston Villa 4-1 Newcastle
Surely nobody thought that Newcastle were going to get better at defending under Keegan than they were under Allardyce, did they? Michael Owen did at least score, in an attempt to prove a point to Fabio Capello, but in the scope of this game it was pretty much futile. Poor thing.

Other results
Everton 1-0 Reading
Bolton 1-0 Portsmouth
Derby 0-3 Tottenham
Middlesbrough 1-0 Fulham
Sunderland 2-0 Wigan
West Ham 1-1 Birmingham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: January 12-13

Middlesbrough 1-1 Liverpool
Dear Liverpool: Please stop being shit.

Taken out of context, a draw at Middlesbrough isn't a terrible result. In the context of their season so far, though, and Benitez's problems with the owners, they desperately needed a win. Even worse: the team was absolutely awful. I would say from one end of the pitch to the other, but Reina and Torres were probably the only two players who came out of that game with any credit.

(I am trying to ignore those rumours about the club being sold again. Gah. Enough with the drama already.)


Manchester United 6-0 Newcastle
At least I had this game to watch immediately afterward and remind me of how football ought to be played. Hard to believe it was scoreless at halftime, although United had dominated all the way. But they stepped up another notch in the second half and just demolished Newcastle, including Cristiano Ronaldo's first hat-trick for United. Newcastle could feel hard done by that Michael Owen's first-half strike was wrongly ruled out for offside, but with United in this kind of form, they were lucky to give up only six goals. The pick of the bunch was probably Ronaldo's second, coming at the end of a perfect one-touch passing move with Carrick, Tevez and Rooney.


Other results
Arsenal 1-1 Birmingham
Aston Villa 3-1 Reading
Chelsea 2-0 Tottenham
West Ham 2-1 Fulham
Everton 1-0 Manchester City
Derby 0-1 Wigan
Bolton 1-2 Blackburn
Sunderland 2-0 Portsmouth

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 24-25

Newcastle 0-3 Liverpool
A lot of teams seemed to be suffering from an international hangover this week, and Liverpool were no exception, despite the score. Aside from Steven Gerrard, who was fantastic -- and why the hell can't he do that for England, or even for Liverpool on a consistent basis? -- the team weren't all that great. But it didn't matter, because Newcastle were very bad, to the point of being incapable of getting the ball out of their own end. In fact, the scoreline would have been even more lopsided if Fernando Torres had put away even one or two of the chances he had. (I am trying my very best not to think about all the rumours flying around about Rafa throwing a hissy fit in the general direction of Hicks and Gillette.)

Bolton 1-0 Manchester United
Ok, so: last year Bolton were a decent team, and United thumped them home and away. This year they've been crap and yet United go down tamely to defeat. That is not right, y'all. I think part of the problem was that they let Bolton get to them with the constant fouling -- nothing that was too far over the line, but just enough to get under their skin. And of course there was that defensive fuckup by Gerard Pique, thrown on at centre half after Vidic was injured with Serbia. But the big part of the problem was that their attack wasn't clicking, with Rooney out and Saha ineffective (and contrast that with the difference that Nicolas Anelka made for Bolton). I still don't understand why Ronaldo wasn't at least on the bench; even if he needed a rest after the internationals, he could have managed 20 minutes at least.

Derby 0-2 Chelsea
Even an understrength Chelsea had no problem overcoming poor Derby, who continue to suck. But the game did serve as a preview of what Chelsea will be missing when Drogba and Essien (among others) take off to Africa in January. Really, apart from the eye-bleedingly horrific away kits, it was most notable for John Terry acting like a petulant two-year-old every time a decision went against his team. What a shining example for the national team he is.

Arsenal 2-0 Wigan
Arsenal left it very late to pull out a win, once again inspired by a goal from captain William Gallas. Before that they'd looked a bit sluggish, with Theo Walcott one of the few players who stood out, although there was still no end product for him in the form of a goal.

Everton 7-1 Sunderland
How would you like to be in the dressing room with Roy Keane after this match? *shiver* I imagine he could kill you without even loosening his tie. You do have to wonder, though, what kind of halftime team talk he gave, considering that Sunderland went in with the score at 3-1, still half a chance, and then came out and got even worse in the second half. Other questions: What more does Mikel Arteta have to do to get a game for Spain? And would the Sunderland defence have been more effective if they had just put four big piles of crap out there instead? ...Oh.

Other results
Manchester City 2-1 Reading
Birmingham 0-2 Portsmouth
Middlesbrough 0-3 Aston Villa
Fulham 2-2 Blackburn
West Ham 1-1 Tottenham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 3-4

Arsenal 2-2 Manchester United
If you'd offered me a draw beforehand, I would have snatched at it -- especially with United having lost this same fixture last year. But having come so close to winning, only to have it slip away at the last moment, it's impossible not to be a bit disappointed. I was happy with the way United played for the most part, though. They worked hard to close down Arsenal and didn't let them get into their fluid passing, and although they sometimes found it hard to establish a rhythm of their own, I think United had the better chances in the first half. And Wayne Rooney pounced on one of those half-chances just before halftime, turning in Ronaldo's cross off William Gallas at the near post.

But Arsenal equalized just after the break, with Edwin Van der Sar stopping Emmanuel Adebayor's shot after a flowing forward move, only for the rebound to be played out to Cesc Fabregas, whose finish took advantage of the keeper being out of position. Neither team seemed content to settle for a draw, though, with Arsenal bringing on Theo Walcott, and United countering that with Louis Saha and Michael Carrick in place of Carlos Tevez and Anderson. (Anderson, incidentally, had another good game; he may not have the guile of Paul Scholes in midfield -- at least not yet -- but he does offer the advantage of actually being able to tackle without getting booked for it.) It looked as if United's substitutions would win them the game, Saha playing a lovely reverse pass to Patrice Evra, who squared the ball for Cristiano Ronaldo to slot home. But there was a nervy end to the match for United, including Evra spooning the ball just over his own crossbar, and it ended with a stoppage-time scramble in the box, Gallas atoning for his earlier own-goal with an excellent finish; Van der Sar cleared the ball, but it had already crossed the line and the linesman rightly (much as I hate to say it) signaled the goal.

Speaking of the officials: I think Sir Alex is overreacting by claiming they were biased towards Arsenal, but I nevertheless would have liked it if Howard Webb could have refrained from whistling the play dead every 30 seconds and just let them play. Still, it was an exciting game, and it leaves things too close to call between these two teams; it's impossible to predict who's going to come out on top in the end.


Blackburn 0-0 Liverpool
Liverpool are, along with Arsenal, the only undefeated teams in the Premiership so far. But that's about all they have in common at the moment. Away to Blackburn is always a tricky match, but Liverpool looked very laboured here, lacking the kind of attacking creativity that they need if they're going to challenge for the title this year (or, for that matter, if they're going to get any farther in the Champions League). I understand that Rafa likes hard-working players, but that doesn't necessarily preclude players with flair as well -- you just have to look at the lineups in the Arsenal-United match to see that. Liverpool played the same 4-2-3-1 formation as last week, but with Ryan Babel and Yossi Benayoun on the wings -- a change that I actually prefer, although they did both have an unfortunate tendency to creep in towards the middle too much, rather than using the space to spread the play out.

With Fernando Torres injured and Andriy Voronin's wife having gone into labour, Dirk Kuyt was on his own up front and...well, he tried hard. But he just didn't seem to know what to do once he'd gotten into the 18-yard box. It was the sort of headless chicken display unhappily reminiscent of Milan Baros, except without the pace. The moment that stood out the most was Steven Gerrard, supporting the play, steaming into the box only for Kuyt to dribble the ball tamely into the keeper. I also have to wonder what Peter Crouch has done that means Rafa doesn't trust him anymore, because Liverpool did look much better once he and Harry Kewell came on, forcing a couple of good saves from Brad Friedel. Maybe if they'd been brought on earlier, Liverpool could have picked up all three points and closed the gap on the teams above them. As it is, though, they should just be thankful that Jamie Carragher continues his charmed life, not conceding a penalty despite going in to block a shot with his arms up over his head.


Wigan 0-2 Chelsea
With Chelsea in form right now and Wigan emphatically not, the scoreline was pretty predictable. The only thing mildly surprising, actually, was that Didier Drogba wasn't one of the goal-scorers for Chelsea. He was involved in the first goal, though, feeding the ball out to Shaun Wright-Phillips to run at the defenders and sent a curling ball across behind the Wigan back line for Frank Lampard to run onto and score. (And let me just mention that his goal celebration makes me want to hit him in the face.) Wright-Phillips contributed to the second goal, too, keeping the ball from going out for a throw and feeding Juliano Belletti, who sauntered forward with the defenders backing away, and eventually saw his long-distance shot swerve past Chris Kirkland into the net. That was it; 2-0 after 20 minutes was essentially game over. So there was no goal-fest like Chelsea had against Manchester City last weekend, although I suppose that's small consolation for Wigan.

Newcastle 1-4 Portsmouth
I imagine that Shay Given is sitting at home right now being grateful that he was injured for this game. Having Sam Allardyce as a manager has apparently not made Newcastle's defense any less porous, and they were three goals down after 12 minutes. Maybe it was hard to fault them for the first goal, a left-footed screamer from Noe Pamarot, but the next two were almost entirely due to Cacapa doing his best impression of a pylon to allow first Benjani and then Utaku to score. It was so bad that he was hauled off the pitch shortly thereafter. Newcastle did manage to pull one back, with Michael Owen's shot ricocheting into the net off David James and Sol Campbell, but they were unable to score the second goal that might have made this a close contest. In the end it was Portsmouth who scored again, from Nico Kranjcar's free kick, thanks to -- once again -- some lax Newcastle defending.


Other results
Aston Villa 2-0 Derby
Everton 3-1 Birmingham
Fulham 3-1 Reading
Middlesbrough 1-1 Tottenham
West Ham 1-1 Bolton

Catching up

It seems like every time I go away on vacation, the Premiership loses its damn mind. Last time around it was Thierry Henry fucking off to Barcelona; this time it's Jose Mourinho leaving Chelsea, which is infinitely more mind-boggling. I think I'm actually going to miss him. If nothing else, Avram Grant is unlikely to give such gloriously delusional interviews.

Regardless of who's managing them, though, United's 2-0 win over Chelsea this weekend was extremely satisfying. United still aren't playing particularly well, but they are still managing to win, and they even scrounged up more than a single goal this time. You could argue that they were helped out by some inexplicable refereeing, but I've already had all those arguments while watching the game at the pub with my team, and I'm not that interested in going over them again, other than to ask this: just how gigantic a wanker is John "I'll take that red card, thanks" Terry? (Secondary question for this week: Why is Sir Alex still so reluctant to start Saha, when he's repeatedly been the player to turn games around for United?)

Liverpool, in contrast, are both not playing well and not winning games, thanks to Rafa Benitez's penchant for leaving his best players on the bench. Two scoreless draws in a row in the league, ouch. Away at Portsmouth has the potential to be a tricky game, but at home to Birmingham? That is just sad, y'all. And no, having Agger and Alonso both out with the dreaded metatarsal injury is no excuse.

And the result in the Champions League against Porto was only marginally better, what with Jermaine Pennant being a brainless twerp, and Gerrard and Torres (who, yes, I was referring to as supposedly the team's best players in just the last paragraph) being invisible. That's the only one of the Champions League matches I've managed to watch, because although we did have ESPN we were also out golfing at inopportune times. Although I've decided that football could be much improved by the introduction of a beer cart. Anyway, it sounds like Arsenal v. Sevilla was the pick of the bunch.

And Arsenal are top of the league, too, damn them. Although somehow I don't expect that to last. I figure it's only a matter of time before Jens Lehmann picks off Almunia with a sniper's rifle, or Cesc Fabregas gets all distracted by hitting puberty and goes off to write in his online journal, and the team collapses in a heap.

You know what's the most shocking thing about the league table, actually? Newcastle in fifth. How did that happen? I sort of thought that any team that loses to Derby got summarily ejected from the Premiership. (Not shocking at all: Michael Owen being injured again I think at this point he's being held together by marshmallows and bits of sticky tape.)

And finally: Toronto FC have scored a goal. Yes, really. They still can't win, but we'll take what we can get. Woo.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: April 21-22

Tottenham 2 - 2 Arsenal: Umpteenth verse, same as the first: Arsenal totally dominate a game, but can't put the ball in the net, while their opponents score from one of their few chances. - and once again they dominate a match, opponents score from one of their very few chances. In this case it was an equalizer in the dying seconds of the game from Jermaine Jenas, who I normally dislike, but I'll make an exception here because that was schadenfreudelicious. Arsene Wenger commented after the game, "I don't know what they created apart from the goals." Well, yes, that is kind of the point, sunshine.

Liverpool 2 - 0 Wigan: Another stroll for Liverpool. There aren't many more obvious ways to say "We're saving ourselves for Chelsea" than by leaving Steven Gerrard on the bench. The game was wrapped up -- along with next year's Champions League spot -- by the time he came on, thanks to two goal from Dirk Kuyt. Who Rafa will probably drop on Wednesday, just because.

Manchester United 1 - 1 Middlesbrough: Boro apparently are some sort of bogey team for United. Last year they got thumped away at the Riverside and drew at Old Trafford; this season they've done marginally better (winning away in the league, drawing and then winning in the FA Cup), but all three of those games included a crucial penalty in United's favour. They could have used on on Saturday, too, but instead they were lucky not to have one awarded against them, after John O'Shea took down Dong Gook Lee in the box. Which brings us to the ongoing problems with the defence: ok, yeah, they've got a lot of injuries. But the back line has held up pretty well in the past few games. The difference this week was that the rest of the team wasn't producing. It looked to me like they got kind of panicky, knowing that they desperately needed a goal, and so they were trying to force things -- either fucking around on the ball too much or hurrying their passes -- rather than just letting things flow. As for Sir Alex's decision to leave Rio limping around until halftime? In hindsight it looks bad, but then, I probably would've done the same thing.

Newcastle 0 - 0 Chelsea: Fortunately, United's slip didn't really matter, because Chelsea also drew against Newcastle. How the hell do you not score against Newcastle and their Patented Comedy Defending?

Other results
Aston Villa 0 - 0 Portsmouth
Bolton 1 - 3 Reading (Reading scored three times in the last 6 minutes to steal the win. And I laughed, because I really dislike Bolton.)
Charlton 1 - 1 Sheffield United
Fulham 1 - 1 Blackburn
Watford 1 - 1 Manchester City
West Ham 1 - 0 Everton

Premiership Weekend Roundup: February 10-11

Manchester United 2 - 0 Charlton
Charlton seem to have toughened up recently. They held Chelsea to just one goal last week, and this week they were more of a challenge for United than I would've expected. Even without Cristiano Ronaldo, Michael Carrick and Edwin van der Sar, United should have been able to beat them easily, but they couldn't quite get the rhythm of their football flowing. Partly that's because of the lineup changes, and partly that's because Charlton ran hard and didn't give them the time or space to pass. (I think that's the best way to play against United -- you have to come at them, the way Arsenal did a couple weeks ago, rather than sitting back to defend and hoping to hit them on the counter-attack.) Still, they got the win, as replacements Ji-Sung Park and Darren Fletcher both scored -- although that was the only thing I saw Fletcher do all game, for good or ill.

Newcastle 2 - 1 Liverpool
Much as I love watching the players get all wet and muddy, I don't love it when it means watching Liverpool lose. They basically gifted Newcastle both their goals, with Pepe Reina first clearing the ball straight into Daniel Agger and then John Arne Riise conceding a needless penalty. Apart from that, Liverpool dominated the game -- with Craig Bellamy doing an excellent job of irritating the crap out of his former team -- but they didn't take advantage of all their chances on goal. Maybe they needed Xabi Alonso to score from his own half again.


Other results

• Arsenal 2 - 1 Wigan: Thierry "I am not a woman" Henry doesn't dive. Just in case you were wondering.
  
• Chelsea 3 - 0 Middlesbrough: John Terry is back in the centre of defence and Chelsea have started to win convincingly again. Bah.
  
• Portsmouth 2 - 1 Manchester City: For the second time running, Pedro Mendes gets stretchered off in a game against Citeh. What's he done to piss them off so much? Aside from scoring fantastic goals against them, that is.
  
• Reading 2 - 0 Aston Villa: Reading for Europe, anyone? They're now officially too good to be this year's Plucky Little Team That Could anymore.
  
• Sheffield United 2 - 1 Tottenham: What the hell has happened to Spurs this year? Are they having an endless spell of dodgy lasagna or something?
  
• West Ham 0 - 1 Watford: And also in the category of "Teams that were decent last year and now suck," we have West Ham, with the dubious distinction of being the first team to lose at home to Watford in the Premiership this year.
  
• Bolton 2 - 1 Fulham: A game I could not care less about.
  
• Everton 1 - 0 Blackburn: See above.

Who needs proper analysis when you've got YouTube links?

Happy New Year, everybody. Hope you all had a lovely holiday. Personally, I started 2007 with a big greasy breakfast and an afternoon of football, which I would highly recommend to anyone.

Liverpool 3 - 0 Bolton
Liverpool have a stellar home record again this season, so the fact that they beat Bolton wasn't really a surprise. That they did it so easily was. Yeah, it took them an hour to score, but they'd been pretty dominant before that and Bolton never looked threatening -- they mustered up a whole one attempt on goal in the entire game, compared to Liverpool's 19. The previously useless Jermaine Pennant had a good game for once and linked up well with the front two -- including providing the cross for the first goal, which Peter Crouch put away with an overhead kick that was reminiscent of his goal against Galatasaray. I really don't know how he does that. You expect him to just end up crumpled on the ground in a tangle of limbs, and yet somehow it works.

Newcastle 2 - 2 Manchester United
Away games at St. James' Park always have the potential to trip you up, but Man United made hard work of it against a ramshackle Newcastle lineup that featured a converted midfielder and a bunch of kids in their back line. The Red Devils looked a bit sluggish, while Newcastle harried them for the whole 90 minutes. Still, Man United should've had enough to win, with goals from Paul Scholes on either side of halftime...until Canadian teenager David Edgar popped up with a long-range strike late in the game. After that, with Louis Saha having gone off injured and no real attacking options on the bench, United weren't able to conjure up a winning goal, as Newcastle defended tirelessly for the last 15 minutes. If it had been against any other team, I would be delighted for Edgar -- especially since he's from my mom's hometown, which is kind of cool (the Toronto Star has an article about him here). As it is, meh.

So, that was a bit humbling. But I'm heartened by the fact that Chelsea are currently drawing yet again. Come on Villa.

Other results:
Fulham 0 - 0 Watford (Blurry video of Antti Niemi taking a header into the turf: Ouch.)
Manchster City 2 - 1 Everton
Middlesbrough 3 - 1 Sheffield United
Portsmouth 1 - 1 Tottenham
Reading 6 - 0 West Ham (Speaking of ouch.)
Wigan 0 - 3 Blackburn

Premiership Weekend Roundup: May 7

An excellent way to celebrate the end of the Premiership season: with the league losing its collective ever-loving mind. Woo.

Manchester United 4 - 0 Charlton
Ruud Van Nistelrooy had a hissy-fit after finding out that he wasn't in the starting lineup, and stormed out back to the stable before the game. Betting on whether he ends up at Milan, Juve, Barca or Real Madrid starts now.

Without him, meanwhile, United thumped Charlton to clinch second place and a guaranteed spot in the Champions League, which is great and all, but maybe it would have been even better if they hadn't left their not-sucking until so late in the season.


Arsenal 4 - 2 Wigan
Arsenal went down 2-1 in their last game at Highbury, before a hat-trick from Thierry Henry pulled out the win and let them squeak past Tottenham into fourth place. I'm still not a big Arsenal fan, but I have to admit to getting a little mushy at some of the pictures of the fans sitting in the empty stands.

Also, apparently there were giant papier-mache heads. I don't know.


West Ham 2 - 1 Tottenham
How bizarre is this: Pretty much the entire Spurs first team comes down with food poisoning before the game, the ones who are able to stand up lurch to a 2-1 loss to the Hammers, and Spurs have to settle for the UEFA Cup next year, after being in the Champions League places for, like, the past six months. No word yet on rumours that a grey squirrel was seen in the kitchen of the team hotel the night before.


Portsmouth 1 - 3 Liverpool
Liverpool's win didn't mean much, seeing as United won too, but it's nice to see their strikers still remember how to score. Less nice was seeing Xabi Alonso stretchered off with a sprained ankle before half-time. OMG don't be broken, baby! Anyway, things are looking good for them next season, provided they can find someone to play up front with Crouch. I wonder if they could get enough for Cisse to bring Michael Owen home?


Newcastle 1 - 0 Chelsea
Newcastle have qualified for Europe next season (sort of; as YNBA put it, it's "maybe crappy Europe") and finished the season in seventh by beating Chelsea -- despite going a man down -- thanks to a goal from, of all people, Titus Bramble. Yes, really.


Oh, and there were some other games too:
Aston Villa 2 - 1 Sunderland
Blackburn 2 - 0 Manchester City
Bolton 1 - 0 Birmingham
Everton 2 - 2 West Brom
Fulham 1 - 0 Middlesbrough

FA Cup Semi-finals

Liverpool 2 - 1 Chelsea
Oh, man, how awesome was that? I watched the game in a pub full of rabid Liverpool supporters, which was great, and I got so caught up in the excitement that I was momentarily confused when there was no trophy presentation at the end of the game.

Surprise, surprise: Jose Mourinho is claiming that the better team didn't win, which is bullshit. Liverpool outplayed his misbegotten lineup for 60 minutes, and then held on for the win, even after Mourinho came to his senses and threw some wingers on -- maybe he'd noticed Harry Kewell tearing his defence apart, and realized that trying to pack the centre of the pitch against Gerrard, Alonso and Sissoko isn't likely to work. If Chelsea's starting lineup was mystifying, Rafa's substitutions at the end of the game were slightly terrifying (Cisse? Djimi Traore, for the love of god? Even Morientes for Garcia, who as usual was alternately brilliant and utter crap). But somehow it worked.

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, winning the big games is what makes you the better team -- and Jose can sit down and shut up about the referreeing as well. I'm admittedly biased, but it seems like way more of the decisions went in favour of Chelsea. Even the free kick for the first goal: maybe two minutes before that, Peter Crouch got called for doing the exact same thing, so it seemed perfectly fair to me. And it wouldn't have mattered anyway if the wall had done their job.

This is why so many people hate Chelsea now, I think. They're not gracious winners, and they're even less gracious losers.

Oh, yeah, and West Ham beat Middlesbrough 1-0 in the other semi-final. Yay for them. Excuse me while I go back to gloating over Chelsea (I get a slightly obscene amount of pleasure from seeing John Terry all pouty), and waiting for the "Lampard to Barcelona" rumours to ramp up this summer.


Meanwhile, in the Premiership:

• Arsenal drew 1-1 with Tottenham in a cracking game that might have been even better if Thierry Henry and Cesc Fabregas hadn't started on the bench. Looks like Arsene Wenger's strategy of resting players for the Champions League might have backfired. But he's busy complaining about Tottenham not putting the ball out of play when two Arsenal players went down injured just before they scored the first goal. I was sort of half-heartedly cheering for Arsenal in this game, but even so: Suck it up, Wenger, and teach your team to play the whistle. If there's a serious injury, it's the referees job to stop the play, not your opponents -- especially if the players are down not because of a bad tackle, but because they ran into one another.
  
  
• After beating West Brom 3-0, Newcastle are up to seventh place. How the hell did that happen? They've actually got a shot at European football next season. I can't decide if that's good or not -- but anything that makes Michael Owen more likely to stay at St. James' Park is not good, as far as I'm concerned. In other news, I'm not much of an Alan Shearer fan, but I did get a little sad to see him on the sidelines and them showing his Last Goal Ever in the highlight reel.
  
  
• Bolton thumped Charlton 4-1. Why couldn't they have done that against Chelsea? Bah.
  
  
• Birmingham and Everton played out a boring 1-1 draw that didn't do much for either team. Or for those of us who watched the game.
  
  
• Portsmouth continued their recent streak of not completely sucking, beating the mighty Sunderland 2-1. Which, actually, is more than Man Unitd could do, so I suppose I shouldn't mock them.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: March 18-19

Fulham 1 - 0 Chelsea
Fulham are my new favourite team this week, between shipping five goals against Liverpool on Wednesday and then beating Chelsea yesterday. The game game Jose Mourinho plenty to complain about (but then, what doesn't?), between Gallas getting red carded and Drogba having a goal disallowed for handball. But I think the final scoreline was fair -- Fulham played their butts off for 90 minutes, whereas Chelsea's expensive squad looked like they didn't know how to fight back against a team that had the nerve not to roll over and play dead for them.

Newcastle 1 - 3 Liverpool
I spent the first 10 minutes of the game trying to figure out what formation Liverpool were playing and what kind of crack Rafa was on when he did the lineup. I spent the next 80 minutes trying to fend off the attentions of a creepy West Ham fan so that I could actually watch the game. Anyway, let's assume that Liverpool were playing 3-5-2, with Warnock and Kromkamp as wingbacks. It certainly seems to have worked. And I got a free beer out of the West Ham guy, so everybody wins. Everybody except for Newcastle, that is. It didn't help them that Boumsong got sent off at the beginning of the second half for a rugby tackle on Peter Crouch, but on the other hand he hadn't been much use when he was actually on the pitch.

West Brom 1 - 2 Manchester United
Much like United's game against Newcastle last week, the scoreline flattered their opponents, with Rooney and Giggs both missing obvious chances. Meanwhile, Van Nistelrooy was left on the bench yet again, fuelling speculation that Sir Alex is going to sell him to the glue factory the highest bidder at the end of the season. Saha has been playing well lately -- he scored both goals in this game -- but I'm still not convinced about him. With the attacking options that United has (and their continued lack of a midfield), I think I'd rather see them playing 4-3-3. I mean, who would you rather have in your starting XI: Ruud Van Nistelrooy or John O'Shea? Exactly.

Birmingham 0 - 2 Tottenham
Birmingham tried to do the same thing as Fulham -- fighting hard to harass Tottenham and not let them settle into their game -- but couldn't manage to keep it up for more than an hour. Then Spurs took advantage of sloppy play from Melchiot for their first goal, Birmingham's morale plummeted, and Robbie Keane scored a second (at least we were spared his stupid goal celebration) to seal the win and keep the race for fourth place tight.

Everton 4 - 1 Aston Villa
James Beattie for England, anyone? I know he's been inconsistent, but then so has Peter Crouch, and if you want to play with a big target man, maybe it's better to go with one who doesn't get knocked over so easily. The whole Everton team had a good game on Saturday -- although Aston Villa made it easy for them -- and they're starting to look like the club that finished fourth last year rather than the relegation fodder from the beginning of this season. The question is which team is going to show up for the Merseyside derby this weekend.

Other results
Arsenal 3 - 0 Charlton
Blackburn 3 - 2 Middlesbrough
Bolton 2 - 0 Sunderland
Manchester City 0 - 1 Wigan
West Ham 2 - 4 Portsmouth

Premiership Weekend Roundup: March 11-12

Arsenal 2 - 1 Liverpool
Steven Gerrard: One of the best players in the world! Set up two goals in this game! If only they'd both been for his own team.

Actually, although I wasn't happy with the way it happened, I have to admit that this was a fair result, based on the way both teams played. Liverpool, unlike Real Madrid in midweek, weren't about to sit back and let Arsenal have time and space to play. But Arsenal managed to find the space anyway, and the Liverpool players just couldn't keep up with the speed of their passing. Rafa had packed the midfield, but it didn't work. Jan Kromkamp, especially, had a horrible game on the right wing before he got hauled off at halftime -- he looked out of position a lot, and I know he's more of a fullback than a midfielder, but he wasn't much good defensively either.

And that second yellow card on Xabi Alonso? An absolutely horrible call. I did think it was a foul when I initially saw it, but if I was the referee, I would've been damned sure before I sent someone off when I didn't even see the play properly. That's why you have linesmen, for fuck's sake. It probably didn't help that both times Xabi got booked, Senderos was there yelling at the ref to card him -- despite not actually being involved in the play, or having any idea what he was talking about, really. Aren't the Swiss supposed to be neutral?

Manchester United 2 - 0 Newcastle
It may sound funny, but a 2-0 scoreline actually makes Newcastle look good. It could have been two or three times that many in favour of United, if Louis Saha hadn't been busy doing his best impression of a Liverpool striker. Ruud Van Nistelrooy must have been bitter, watching that from the sidelines, but he didn't do much better when he finally came on. And Wayne Rooney managed to hit the post with an open net --although you can't really criticize a player who's scored twice in the first 15 minutes.

Normally this would be where I'd bitch about United's defence and/or midfield. But I don't think they actually had anything to do this week, so I'll save it for the next game.

Chelsea 2 - 1 Tottenham
Once again, not the best game from Chelsea, and once again, they pulled out a win. Bastards. It was horrible defending from Tottenham at the end of the game, though -- they didn't clear their lines and let Chelsea steal the points.

Shawn Wright-Phillips finally got a start, with Arjen Robben suspended for four games (ha, karma!), and certainly proved that he deserved it, terrorizing the Tottenham defence and setting up Chelsea's first goal. Jermain Jenas, in contrast, may have scored for Spurs but was otherwise invisible, and I still can't figure out how he gets in the England squad.

Bolton 4 - 1 West Ham
So Alan Pardew thinks that Premiership teams should have a quota of English players, eh? I'm sure that doesn't have anything to do with keeping his mostly English West Ham from getting thumped by teams like Bolton, who kept them pinned back in their own half for almost the whole game. It probably didn't help that Pardew had a touch of Sven-itis and stuck Anton Ferdinand in midfield for the first half.

Also: Who decided that all-white uniforms were a good idea? Seriously, people. Your laundry staff hate you now.

Other results
Charlton 2 - 1 Middlesbrough
Birmingham 1 - 1 West Brom
Blackburn 2 - 0 Aston Villa
Everton 3 - 1 Fulham
Portsmouth 2 - 1 Manchester City
Sunderland 0 - 1 Wigan

Premiership Weekend Roundup: December 31

Somewhat belated, since I was hungover yesterday. Happy New Year, y'all.

Manchester United 4 - 1 Bolton
An excellent way to come back from the draw with Birmingham in midweek, although it took far too long for United to put the game away. I was worried about the starting lineup -- not exactly what you'd think of as United's strongest, with Darren Fletcher and John O'Shea in the centre of midfield -- especially against a physical team like Bolton. And yet it worked. O'Shea was mostly invisible, but I thought that Fletcher had a solid game. The big difference, though, was the link-up play between the wingers and the strikers. Wayne Rooney was spectacular as usual, and Cristiano Ronaldo seems to have rediscovered his form. I just hope it continues for the game against Arsenal tomorrow.

Aston Villa 0 - 0 Arsenal
And people say that 0-0 draws are boring. Ha! This one was fun to watch, but I suspect that if I hadn't been a neutral observer, it would have just been frustrating. It was a game with lots of action, lots of running -- although in the case of Milan Baros, mostly into offside positions. But, unfortunately, not a lot of chances at a goal. Villa harried the Arsenal players all game and didn't let them string their pretty passes together, but they weren't able to complement this with solid attacking play of their own.

Tottenham 2 - 0 Newcastle
Newcastle battled hard in the first half, but everything changed just before halftime when first Teemu Tainio scored for Tottenham and then Michael Owen went down in the Spurs box with a broken bone in his foot. Newcastle might have been hoping for a break to give them a chance, but not like this. The game also featured an interesting matchup between two of the candidates for the holding midfield role on England's World Cup team -- Michael Carrick for Spurs and Scott Parker for Newcastle. I thought that Parker had a better game, in spite of -- or perhaps because of -- his team's mediocre performance.

Liverpool 1 - 0 West Brom
Liverpool should have had way more than just the one goal. They kept West Brom pinned back in their own half for most of the game. But although they dominated the play, they didn't have a lot of clear chances at goal, and the West Brom keeper, Kuszczak, was excellent. Good to see Harry Kewell back in form -- finally! -- although on the other hand, Luis Garcia has seemed a bit off recently. Also, Peter Crouch scoring with a header -- shocking! (Was that the first time?)

Other results
Middlesbrough 0 - 0 Manchester City
Portsmouth 1 - 0 Fulham
Sunderland 0 - 1 Everton
Wigan 0 - 3 Blackburn
Charlton 2 - 0 West Ham
Chelsea 2 - 0 Birmingham

Boxing Day: Liverpool 2 - 0 Newcastle

I didn't watch as many matches this weekend as I usually do, seeing as it was Christmas and my family does not entirely understand my need to yell obscene things at men in shorts on my TV.

Plus, Sportsnet, in their infinite wisdom, decided to show the unspectacular Arsenal-Charlton match not once but twice, rather than United thrashing West Brom or Chelsea edging out Fulham -- or even the barn-burner between Wigan and City.

So, only one game this week, but it was a cracking good one. Another screamer of a goal from Steven Gerrard. Peter Crouch once again justifying the existence of the wonderfully named Dubious Goals Panel. And, of course, the brawl after Lee Bowyer's nasty challenge on Xabi Alonso, complete with Crouch The Enforcer, Gerrard going for Bowyer's throat (officially I disapprove; unofficially, hell yeah), and Alan Shearer, according to the BBC, trying to act as "peacemaker" (hee). For the record: I think Crouch was lucky to get off with only a yellow, and the red card for Bowyer may have been harsh, but it didn't really change the outcome of the game.

Meanwhile, Michael Owen barely got near the ball all game -- the only time I remember him getting a touch was when he came back to defend against a corner. He had barely any service, as Liverpool was dominating the midfield. Newcastle could certainly have used Scott Parker, although he still would have found it difficult to shut down Gerrard and Alonso. And let's not even talk about the Newcastle defence, who must be extremely grateful to have Shay Given backing them up. What on earth is he still doing at a club like this?

Premiership Weekend Roundup: December 17-18

Aston Villa 0 - 2 Manchester United
I didn't think this was the most commanding display by United, frankly. But Villa didn't offer much of a challenge, either, and United definitely deserved the result. Wayne Rooney was fantastic as usual. Now if only they could get the midfield sorted out. Yes, Darren Fletcher had a decent game for once, but you can't expect that to be more than a fluke.

West Ham 2 - 4 Newcastle
See, this is why Michael Owen is worth umpteen gazillion pounds. West Ham may have been the more dangerous team in the first half, but you let him anywhere near the goal and Owen is deadly -- even if one of the goals in his hat-trick came off his ear. West Ham, on the other hand, had their two come from an own-goal and a penalty -- somewhat unlucky not to have scored more, considering the continuing dismal state of the Newcastle defence (just imagine how much worse they'd be without Shay Given in net).

Manchester City 4 - 1 Birmingham
Yeah, ok, as a United fan I'm supposed to cheer against City. It was a fun game to watch, although mostly to see how many different ways the commentators could find to say "Wow, Birmingham suck." Rough game for the Birmingham keeper, especially, who was their only player who was any use, and didn't deserve the second yellow card that led to him being sent off at the end.

Arsenal 0 - 2 Chelsea
The first time in my life that I've ever cheered for Arsenal, and this is the thanks I get? Bah. I do think the win for Chelsea was a fair result, considering the balance of play in the game. But Robin van Persie's goal was no more offside than Arjen Robben's was, and that might have completely changed things around. Robben (the oldest-looking 21-year-old ever) was probably Chelsea's most dangerous player -- or Michael Essien, depending on how you look at it. Didier Drogba, meanwhile, seemed to think a striker's job was not to score goals but to bitch incessantly at the referee. I suppose he's learned from his manager how to be a gracious winner.

Other results
Everton 0 - 4 Bolton
Fulham 2 - 1 Blackburn
Portsmouth 1 - 0 West Brom
Wigan 3 - 0 Charlton
Middlesbrough 3 - 3 Tottenham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: December 10-11

Liverpool 2 - 0 Middlesbrough
First of all, if United had a defence like this, they'd still be in the Champions League. You have to love Sami Hyypia, especially: he gets cracked on the head, goes off for treatment, comes back all bandaged up like a mummy and immediately throws himself into another header in the box. Rio Ferdinand would probably have been worried about messing up his cornrows.

Up front...well, Peter Crouch was back to being kind of useless. The real problem, I think, is that the rest of the team kept simply hacking the ball forward at him, without getting anyone in the right position to follow up. When they brought Luis Garcia on instead they changed up their game, took advantage of the great passing from Xabi Alonso and Steven Gerrard in midfield, and made it much harder for Boro to cope. And it was great to see Fernando Morientes getting his goal-scoring touch back. Now if only they could get all their strikers firing at once.

Chelsea 1 - 0 Wigan
How many gazillion pounds has Mourinho spent on strikers? And yet it's taken a header from John Terry to win Chelsea's last two games. I suppose it's only fair that he got the winner in this case, since he had a decent penalty shout turned down in the first half. But I'd much rather point and laugh at him for being a whiny baby who can't cope with being marked by a striker in the box.

Wigan have had a tough run of games recently -- I just hope their bad luck continues when they face Man United on Wednesday. After that I can go back to rooting for them again.

Newcastle 1 - 0 Arsenal
I do love to see Arsenal lose. You could argue that they were unlucky to have Gilberto sent off for a second soft foul, but on the other hand, it's not as if contributes a lot to the team anyway. (Letting Patrick Vieira go and hoping to replace him with Gilberto is about as stupid as, well, actually, letting Roy Keane go and hoping to replace him with Alan Smith. So.)

A couple other observations:

• Alan Shearer really is a bastard, isn't he? And he got away with a surprising amount of crap during this game -- that yellow card in the 90th minute was just the referee attempting to salvage a little dignity.
• Scott Parker is a fucking maniac and I love it. Anyone who still wants to play with his mouth full off cotton wool (and possibly a concussion) deserves a spot on the plane to Germany.

Manchester United 1 - 1 Everton
OH MY GOD UNITED WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Seriously, can someone explain to me how it is that they can beat Chelsea, but Everton is just too much of a challenge? Because I do not get it. I suppose it doesn't help that their defence -- which I used to think was fairly reliable -- is now giving up cheap goals in just about every game. I know that I knock Rio a lot, but I actually don't think it was his fault this time. Silvestre has been bloody useless, they're desperately missing Gabriel Heinze on the left and Gary Neville doesn't seem to be quite match-sharp yet. He's been effective going forward -- one of the few players who remembera how to put in a useful cross -- but he was also one of the defenders caught out for the Everton goal. I mean, come on: three players drawn in to mark one man, but none of them actually closed him down, leaving McFadden wide open to score! I was cringing. (Can you tell I've been playing defence myself recently?)

Someone also needs to explain to Cristiano Ronaldo that the point of the game is, you know, to put the ball in the back of the net, not to see how long you can dribble before you run into a clump of defenders and have it taken away from you, whereupon you resort to pouting. I said when he joined United a couple years ago that he was going to be a great player once he grew up and got over himself a bit, but lately he seems to actually be regressing. The one bright spot in the game was the goal from Ryan Giggs -- beautifully weighted pass from Scholes, well-timed run by Giggs, and a perfect first touch to finish it. Now THAT is how United are supposed to play.

Also: Phil Neville. Never looked quite so good to me as he did in this game, especially with Alan Smith having to be taken off (and you know your bench is thin when he's replaced by Darren Fletcher) before he got himself red-carded and thrown off.

Other results
West Brom 2 - 0 Manchester City
Charlton 2 - 0 Sunderland
Bolton 1 - 1 Aston Villa
Blackburn 3 - 2 West Ham
Birmingham 1 - 0 Fulham