Premiership Weekend Roundup: October 4-5

Manchester City 2-3 Liverpool
Oh, that was just gorgeous. Ok, not Liverpool going behind 2-0 by halftime, or Xabi Alonso practically having his ankle taken off by Zabaleta. (And seriously, what is it about him that encourages people into dangerous tackles?) But everything after that was great. And even before City were reduced to 10 men, Liverpool's second-half performance was light-years removed from the way they'd played before the break. It wasn't quite an Istanbul-style comeback, but a win like this is a hyge psychological boost. If they keep pulling off stuff like this, they just might have a chance at the title -- assuming, that is, that being considered favourites doesn't make them immediately collapse.

Blackburn 0-2 Manchester United
I said when United were trying to sign Dimitar Berbatov that I didn't think it was a good idea, because he's a lazy player. And he may indeed be lazy, but I don't care anymore, because he's turned out to be a fantastic addition to the team, not only scoring goals but creating opportunities for his teammates. The score was only 2-0 but it could've been more, even if Wes Brown hadn't scored the opening goal with the help of a foul on the keeper by Nemanja Vidic.

Sunderland 1-1 Arsenal
Sunderland held Arsenal off for 85 minutes before Grant Leadbitter gave them the lead, coming on as a substitute and scoring a beautiful goal with practically his first touch of the game. It wasn't enough to give them the victory, though, as Cesc Fabregas equalized in added time -- with a header, of all things. This is especially noteworthy since (a) Cesc is roughly as tall as I am, which is to say, not very, and (b) he doesn't even have poofy hair giving him a couple of extra inches anymore.

Chelsea 2-0 Aston Villa
With Drogba injured and Anelka not 100%, apparently Chelsea are copying the "who needs strikers" strategy that Man United pioneered last season. That's nice for them. I was attempting to study for an economics quiz, so I wasn't paying much attention, apart from noting that John Terry doesn't really need to hike his shorts up that much. I'm just saying.

Other results
West Brom 1-0 Fulham
Wigan 0-1 Middlesbrough
West Ham 1-3 Bolton
Tottenham 0-1 Hull
Portsmouth 2-1 Stoke
Everton 2-2 Newcastle

Holy crap, I just realized that Hull are in third place. Hull.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: April 19-20

Blackburn 1-1 Manchester United
As I said last week, Blackburn are usually a tough team to play, but still I was hoping for more from United after Liverpool beat them the week before. I don't know if they were too keyed up, with the Premier League title almost within their grasp if they won here, but whatever the reason, they didn't start the game very well. Roque Santa Cruz put Blackburn ahead in the first half, getting between Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic, and United had to fight hard to get themselves back into the match. (Wayne Rooney, actually, took the fighting part a little too seriously, spending most of the match shouting at the referee for his perceived deficiencies.) Finally, in the 88th minute, Carlos Tevez popped up with another crucial goal, heading home from a corner. The draw at least means that even if United lose at Stamford Bridge this weekend, they can still win the title as long as they beat both Wigan and West Ham, thanks to their massively superior goal difference. But I'm nervous.

Fulham 0-2 Liverpool
Much like this fixture last year, Rafa Benitez put out a weakened lineup ahead of a crucial Champions League game, but it didn't help Fulham as they were comprehensively outplayed. I'd say that only about four of the Liverpool players are guaranteed to start tomorrow, but they all played as if they were trying to prove that they deserved a spot. Jermaine Pennant certainly might feel that he's earned a chance in place of Dirk Kuyt, as he scored the first goal and set up the second one -- although in both cases I think Kasey Keller could have done better to save them. Anyway, Liverpool have opened up an eight-point gap over Everton in the fight for fourth place, so they can relax a bit in the league, while Fulham are on the verge of relegation now.

Arsenal 2-0 Reading
With nothing much left to play for, Arsenal had an easy time of it against a lacklustre Reading side who are just hoping to survive in the Premiership. The Gunners were two goals up by halftime and could have easily had more in the second half, but were denied by the crossbar more than once. Highlight was probably the excellent performance from Theo Walcott, given a start for a change instead of coming on for a substitute. Lowlight was Alexander Hleb inexplicably smacking Graeme Murty in the face -- although the ref didn't see it. It'll be interesting to see if there's any retrospective punishment for that.

Aston Villa 5-1 Birmingham
It must really suck to be a Birmingham supporter today. Ouch. They were utterly taken apart by Villa, sparked by Ashley Young, who picked a good day to perform (um, not like that), with Fabio Capello watching. Young scored two goals, set up another for John Carew (who also bagged two), and along with Gabriel Agbonlahor, his pace was giving the Birmingham defenders fits. They did get a consolation goal in the second half, but it was cancelled out not much later as Agbonlahor scored Villa's fifth. Gareth Barry had a good game in the middle of the park, too. I can sort of understand why there are rumours floating around that Liverpool want to buy him, but don't they have a surfeit of central midfielders already?

Newcastle 2-0 Sunderland
Okay, Newcastle somehow are undefeated in the past six games. And -- even more astonishing -- they've kept a clean sheet in the last three of those. What the hell? Has Kevin Keegan given all their defenders brain transplants or something? (Maybe stem cells from Paolo Maldini?) They're doing pretty well at the other end of the pitch, too, with Michael Owen scoring six times in six games, and seeming to revel in his new role linking the midfielders and strikers. He looks revitalized -- even without the stimulus of the Euros this summer -- and I'm curious to see what Fabio Capello will do with him now.

Other results
Manchester City 3-1 Portsmouth
Middlesbrough 0-1 Bolton
West Ham 2-1 Derby
Wigan 1-1 Tottenham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: February 2-3

Liverpool 3-0 Sunderland
I was on the verge of declaring this blog a Liverpool-free zone until they got their act together and started winning again. And then they went out and beat Sunderland this weekend. I'm still mad at them, though. I'm mad at the players for being kind of crap -- that 3-0 scoreline was extremely flattering. And I'm mad at Rafa for his ever-more-inexplicable teamsheet. Lucas Leiva on the left wing? Jamie Carragher at right back? That is ridiculous, even if he did set up Liverpool's first goal. At the very least, it implies some rather disparaging things about Liverpool's fullbacks. (I know Arbeloa is injured, but Steve Finnan deserves better than that. He's had some off games recently, but he came on at left back -- yes, really! -- for the second half and did quite well. So.)

I'm also really worried about what is going on with Xabi Alonso. He used to be basically Rafa's second-in-command on the pitch. Now there are rumours coming out of Anfield that he's not happy and wants to leave, Rafa is saying he needs to step it up, and he can barely get a game. Look, I realize he hasn't been at his best since coming back from injury this season. But I think he needs a regular run of games to get his form and match fitness back completely -- not a start in one game, and then not even in the squad for the next. That's for your fringe players, not someone who is supposedly the brains of the team. I also realize that it's not always easy to fit Xabi, Gerrard and Mascherano into the same midfield, but there are ways to make it work. And although going back to Spain may turn out to be the best thing for Xabi's career, I think that Liverpool will be the poorer for it.


Tottenham 1-1 Manchester United
After beating Tottenham fairly comfortably in the FA Cup, United were lucky to salvage a point against them this time. Tottenham played an excellent game, closing down United relentlessly and forcing them into mistakes. Juande Ramos has certainly made them a fitter and defensively better organized team. (He's even made Jermaine Jenas into a good player. Astonishing.) As for United, they might have been tired after that pointless trip to Saudi Arabia. And I think they were unfortunate in the refereeing. But those are just excuses, and I still would've expected them to play better here.

And as for the booking for Wayne Rooney for going down in the area -- which, incidentally is going to rule him out of the Manchester derby -- my initial impression was that it wasn't a dive. There is a middle ground between a dive and a foul, after all; it's possible that Rooney just lost his balance, and based on his reaction, it didn't seem like he was looking for a penalty. But on the other hand, the fact that his reaction to getting booked wasn't to go raging after the ref and try to tear off his balls with one hand suggests that maybe he knew it was a fair call. Who knows. I've only seen it the once, so it's hard to judge. (Although if it was a dive, then of course I don't approve.)


Meanwhile, in the rest of the games, Arsenal won again, unfortunately, so they're now two points clear of United at the top of table. Chelsea drew with Portsmouth in a surprisingly entertaining match, but everything else was pretty dreary. Oh, aside from Jimmy Bullard making his comeback from that horrific injury and scoring a late winner for Fulham against Aston Villa. That one makes me happy, because Jimmy Bullard is awesome.

Other results
Birmingham 1-1 Derby
Blackburn 0-0 Everton
Fulham 2-1 Aston Villa
Newcastle 1-1 Middlesbrough
Portsmouth 1-1 Chelsea
Reading 0-2 Bolton
Wigan 1-0 West Ham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 24-25

Newcastle 0-3 Liverpool
A lot of teams seemed to be suffering from an international hangover this week, and Liverpool were no exception, despite the score. Aside from Steven Gerrard, who was fantastic -- and why the hell can't he do that for England, or even for Liverpool on a consistent basis? -- the team weren't all that great. But it didn't matter, because Newcastle were very bad, to the point of being incapable of getting the ball out of their own end. In fact, the scoreline would have been even more lopsided if Fernando Torres had put away even one or two of the chances he had. (I am trying my very best not to think about all the rumours flying around about Rafa throwing a hissy fit in the general direction of Hicks and Gillette.)

Bolton 1-0 Manchester United
Ok, so: last year Bolton were a decent team, and United thumped them home and away. This year they've been crap and yet United go down tamely to defeat. That is not right, y'all. I think part of the problem was that they let Bolton get to them with the constant fouling -- nothing that was too far over the line, but just enough to get under their skin. And of course there was that defensive fuckup by Gerard Pique, thrown on at centre half after Vidic was injured with Serbia. But the big part of the problem was that their attack wasn't clicking, with Rooney out and Saha ineffective (and contrast that with the difference that Nicolas Anelka made for Bolton). I still don't understand why Ronaldo wasn't at least on the bench; even if he needed a rest after the internationals, he could have managed 20 minutes at least.

Derby 0-2 Chelsea
Even an understrength Chelsea had no problem overcoming poor Derby, who continue to suck. But the game did serve as a preview of what Chelsea will be missing when Drogba and Essien (among others) take off to Africa in January. Really, apart from the eye-bleedingly horrific away kits, it was most notable for John Terry acting like a petulant two-year-old every time a decision went against his team. What a shining example for the national team he is.

Arsenal 2-0 Wigan
Arsenal left it very late to pull out a win, once again inspired by a goal from captain William Gallas. Before that they'd looked a bit sluggish, with Theo Walcott one of the few players who stood out, although there was still no end product for him in the form of a goal.

Everton 7-1 Sunderland
How would you like to be in the dressing room with Roy Keane after this match? *shiver* I imagine he could kill you without even loosening his tie. You do have to wonder, though, what kind of halftime team talk he gave, considering that Sunderland went in with the score at 3-1, still half a chance, and then came out and got even worse in the second half. Other questions: What more does Mikel Arteta have to do to get a game for Spain? And would the Sunderland defence have been more effective if they had just put four big piles of crap out there instead? ...Oh.

Other results
Manchester City 2-1 Reading
Birmingham 0-2 Portsmouth
Middlesbrough 0-3 Aston Villa
Fulham 2-2 Blackburn
West Ham 1-1 Tottenham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: October 6-7

Manchester United 4-0 Wigan
Now that's more like it. I know it was just against Wigan, and Wigan are terrible, but nevertheless it's very satisfying to see United playing so well -- not to mention scoring more than just one goal in a game. It didn't look so promising when first Nemanja Vidic and then John O'Shea had to go off injured, leaving Gerard Pique at centre half and Danny Simpson at right back. But the youngsters did well, and their job was made easier because Wigan spent so much time pinned back in their own half. Rejigging the team meant that they didn't really settle until after halftime, but once Carlos Tevez had scored, the floodgates opened. Tevez and Wayne Rooney seem to be developing a better understanding, which is encouraging, as is seeing a return of the Rooney and Ronaldo Show. I should also mention Anderson, who came on in midfield as part of the first-half reshuffling and had a very good game, showing why Sir Alex thinks he could eventually take over from Paul Scholes. (Oh, and Louis Saha got injured in the warmup. I know you're all shocked.)

Liverpool 2-2 Tottenham
Well, that was better than the game against Marseille, but that's not really saying much. How much longer is it until Xabi Alonso and Daniel Agger are back? Sami Hyypia is no longer the commanding presence at the back that he once was; you certainly wouldn't have expected him to get beat in the air twice for Spurs' two goals on either side of halftime, and although he wasn't solely at fault, the lack of cover at centre half is still critical. As for the midfield, while Gerrard + Mascherano is infinitely better than Gerrard + Sissoko, that also leaves it as basically the only viable combination. And Gerrard hasn't been at his best lately; here, he had a good first half but then faded after that. I think he just really needs a nap. In fact, the whole team has been looking out of sorts -- they wasted a number of good chances, and could have been up by two or three goals before Keane's equalizer, but needed a last-minute header from Torres to salvage a point -- and that's something they'll have to get straightened out before the derby at Goodison Park next weekend.

Arsenal 3-2 Sunderland
You would've expected this to be a cakewalk for Arsenal, wouldn't you? And it looked like that's how it was going to be, when they had a two-goal lead after just 15 minutes -- including an absolutely thunderous free kick from Robin van Persie to open the scoring. But I guess you wouldn't expect Roy Keane's team to lie down quietly and die, and Sunderland did well to fight back to 2-2 as Arsenal got complacent and were guilty of some lazy defending. The Gunners finally got the winner in the 80th minute -- van Persie again -- but it took way too long for them to wake up and get their heads in the game. (A final note: Somebody needs to tell Roy Keane that his tie is way too short. Not me, because he would probably kill me with his mind. But somebody.)


Other results
Bolton 0-1 Chelsea
Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham
Blackburn 2-1 Birmingham
Fulham 0-2 Portsmouth
Manchester City 3-1 Middlesbrough
Newcastle 3-2 Everton
Reading 1-0 Derby

Premiership Weekend Roundup: September 1-2

Manchester United 1-0 Sunderland
Like the game against Tottenham last week, once again United had a buttload of possession but couldn't do much with it. Once again, they didn't play all that well but still managed to squeak out a win. Sunderland played much better than the week before against Liverpool, when they seemed to be overawed by the occasion. I didn't think Sunderland were ever likely to score this week, but they did look very likely to stop United doing so. Last year, even if the other team scored first, I didn't worry, because I figured that United would just go out and score more; this year, I don't have that same confidence in their ability to find goals.

If we've learned anything from the past couple weeks, it's that Carlos Tevez cannot play up front on his own. I don't have a problem with the 4-2-3-1 formation, actually; the problem is that you need a different sort of player as the 1. Alan Smith, for example, may be a less talented footballer than Tevez, but he was more effective last year playing with his back to goal, whereas on Saturday Tevez just dropped deeper into the midfield and ended up being invisible.

So: How good is Louis Saha looking right now? He made all the difference when he came on at halftime, not only scoring the goal -- and he'd almost scored before that, a beautiful turn and volley that unfortunately went right at the keeper -- but opening up the play so that the rest of the team had room to manouevre. I'm still not convinced that he's going to stay fit, though. Also not convincing: Chris Eagles in midfield. NOT TO MENTION THE SCULPTURED MONSTROSITY THAT IS HIS HAIR.


Liverpool 6-0 Derby
Oh, wow. That was fucking awesome. And yes, I know that Derby are very very bad, but Liverpool are also looking very very good. Fernando Torres, in particular, has responded to all those people (me included) who wondered whether he'd be able to adapt to the Premiership by saying, essentially: Bitch, please. Aside from the goals, and the link-up play, and the passing, you know what I like about him? I'd read comments criticizing him for diving and whatnot, and maybe he does fall down a little too easily, but there's no whining to the referee if he doesn't get the call. It's a foul in Spain, but it's not here. Right, on with the game.

The team doesn't appear to be missing Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher at all. Despite bringing in quite a few new players over the summer, they've gelled well so far. Actually, one of the things I liked best about the game this week was seeing Xabi Alonso get forward more -- if it had been Gerrard instead of Mascherano partnering him in midfield, you'd never have seen him on the edge of the box to score his second goal. Chances are it would have been Stevie G there instead, but that's not the point. The point is that I *heart* Xabi, and I would dearly love for those people talking about how he's been in a slump to just shut up.

Sorry about that; rant over. Let me finish by pointing out a few other good things in the wake of this game:

• Ryan Babel's goal. Babel's been hit-or-miss so far -- lots of skill, but he too often gets stuck in dead ends -- but the little shimmy to take the defenders out of the play and send the keeper the wrong way was sublime.
  
• Another goal for Andriy "Shevchenko who?" Voronin.
  
• Liverpool are top of the league, and look at their goal difference: nine for, two against. And those two goals against were both from penalties.

Aston Villa 2-0 Chelsea
Now I remember why I like Villa! And no, it's not just my random affection for Gareth Barry. It's the way they keep taking points off Chelsea. Say what you will about Martin O'Neill, but he's got Jose Mourinho's number. Villa did a good job of stifling Chelsea's midfield, and then using their pace to counterattack quickly. As for Chelsea, how much do they miss Frank Lampard? The thing is, though, that when I've seen him play this season, Lampard hasn't seemed to do very much. So I'm not actually sure what the explanation is for Chelsea's current haphazard play. I suppose you could put the blame on the staggeringly hideous combination of those retina-scorchingly yellow away kits and Jose Mourinho's combed-back new hair. Why he wants to suddenly look 10 years older is beyond me, but maybe he's been gazing jealously at Rafa Benitez's goatee and decided that the route to success involves radical new choices in follicular management.


Arsenal 3-1 Portsmouth
Last year I picked Cesc Fabregas for my fantasy football pool. He scored four goals all season, and I got royally screwed. This year I didn't bother entering the pool, and he's already scored four in half a dozen games. The little brat. The rest of the team around him is looking pretty good too, although perhaps not quite as good as the commentary team made them out to be; I can't be bothered looking up who it was, but they very nearly had an orgasm in the booth. Still, it's hard not to admire a team that can play a man down for almost half the game, and make it look like it's the other way around. I do feel bad for Philippe Senderos and his droopy bulldog face, though. Poor thing. It's not his fault that he's kind of clumsy; he's brainy, after all, and everybody knows that there's an inverse correlation between grace on the pitch and the ability to read books without pictures.


Other results
Blackburn 1-2 Manchester City
Bolton 1-2 Everton
Fulham 3-3 Tottenham
Middlesbrough 2-0 Birmingham
Newcastle 1-0 Wigan
Reading 0-3 West Ham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: August 25-26

Manchester United 1 - 0 Tottenham
United, you lucky buggers.

I'm not talking about Spurs' claim that they should have had a penalty -- despite the commentators being so convinced that Wes Brown had blocked Berbatov's shot with his arm, it seemed pretty clear to me that it had hit his chest instead. I'm talking about the fact that they managed to score for a change. Yeah, only their second goal in four games. By this time last year, they'd scored five times that many.

And actually, there may have been an element of luck in United's goal -- it was a gorgeous strike by Nani, but there seemed to be a slight deflection off Tevez to take it past Paul Robinson. Nevertheless, they got the goal and, more importantly, their first win of the season, which was a huge burden that they needed to get off their backs. The ironic bit is that I didn't think they played as well yesterday as they had in the previous three games, either going forward, where they ran out of ideas too often, or at the back, where Vidic and Ferdinand were apparently taking it in turns to zone out.

Anyway, I'm trying to be optimistic now. United have hauled themselves up to mid-table; the defensive shakiness I'm choosing to blame on the pressure of needing a win; and unlike last year, when they hit the ground running, they've started the season struggling with injuries and trying to work in new players like Nani, Tevez and Hargreaves. That last point is something that will only improve as the season goes on and players get used to each other. And in terms of absent players, Ronaldo has only one more game to serve on his suspension, and Saha and Neville should be back soon too.

Soon is not before the close of the transfer window, though; I still think they should be seriously considering bringing in another striker. I hear that Bulgarian guy who plays for Spurs is pretty good...


Sunderland 0 - 2 Liverpool
On the plus side: Another away win for Liverpool. On the minus side, losing Sami Hyypia with a broken nose and Jamie Carragher with a broken rib and pneumothorax (which apparently means a collapse lung; one hopes this is the not-so-serious kind of collapsed lung, because yikes). Also, a note to the Liverpool coaching staff: if Carra says he needs to come off, you fucking well bring him off.

It was another solid if not spectacular performance for the Reds. They didn't seem to be missing Stevie G that much, with Momo Sissoko combining well with Xabi Alonso in midfield and even stepping up to score his first-ever goal for the club (although he does still need to work on actually passing to a teammate). Andriy Voronin added a second late goal; he's looking like an increasingly smart buy by Rafa -- as is Fernando Torres, who may not have scored this time but doesn't seem to be having many problems adapting to the English game.

Hyypia should be fit for the second leg of the Champions League qualifier against Toulouse tomorrow, but the injury to Carragher is more worrisome, because he could easily be out for six weeks or more. And they've just sold Gabriel Paletta to Boca Juniors, which basically leaves Alvaro Arbeloa as cover for the entire back line. Yeah, Paletta was shite, but at least he was an extra body; you can see why Rafa was so interested in signing Gabriel Heinze. After Toulouse, Liverpool have what should be an easy game against Derby and then the international break, which gives Carragher some time to heal, but I still think this is going to make them step up their efforts to bu another defender.


Chelsea 1 - 0 Portsmouth
So Frank Lampard scored again.* How nice for him. Another chance for him to show off his "I Am A Smug Twat" goal celebration. Apart from the goal, he didn't really do much (the cynical side of me thinks that he decided to play against Germany in midweek mostly because he was worried about ceding his place to Steven Gerrard), and the rest of the team didn't either. Jose Mourinho, naturally, is blaming the after-effects of an international week, but this is the same Chelsea we saw so many times last year: just good enough to pull off a win. They don't have the excuse of trying to shoehorn Ballack and Shevchenko into the lineup anymore, and yet they're still no more than adequate. I know they're top of the league right now, but that doesn't mean they're playing good football.

* With a deflection, of course.


Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City
I kind of love Kasper Schmeichel, even if he does play for Citeh and he kept a clean sheet against my team last week. But he's all wee and blond and he saved a penalty against Arsenal, even if he did end up getting beat eventually. On the other hand, I like to see Cesc Fabregas scoring too; I think I commented last week on how Arsenal are brats, and Cesc is possibly the biggest brat of them all, but I like him anyway. Yes, there is no actual match anaysis here. Sorry. I think I took a nap somewhere in the middle of the game.


Other results
Middlesbrough 2-2 Newcastle
Aston Villa 2-1 Fulham
Bolton 3-0 Reading
Derby 1-2 Birmingham
Everton 1-1 Blackburn
West Ham 1-1 Wigan

Premiership Weekend Roundup: January 21-22

Manchester United 1 - 0 Liverpool
I was worried when I saw the starting lineups. Injuries to Scholes, Smith and Park, plus Cristiano Ronaldo's suspension, meant that United would be fielding a makeshift midfield of Fletcher, O'Shea, Giggs and Richardson against Gerrard, Sissoko, Alonso and Kewell, and I expected them to be thoroughly outclassed (yes, even by Harry Kewell). Liverpool did dominate the midfield, but not quite as much as you would have thought. Stevie G inexplicably went missing for too much of the game, and when they did attack, the finishing was awful -- particularly Djibril Cisse sending the ball over the bar rather than into the open net. You couldn't blame Rafa if he ships Lord Frodsham back to France at the first opportunity.

United also struggled to attack -- even though Rooney played hard and was all over the pitch as usual. But at least their defence was solid this week. Amazing what a difference it makes when you leave Silvestre on the bench, eh? Rio, especially, had a good game -- maybe trying to prove to Sven that he's not really lazy -- with a goal-line clearance and a game-winning header in the last minute. I guess this means I can't make fun of his hair for at least a couple of weeks now.

Chelsea 1 - 1 Charlton
First of all, a disclaimer: My perspective on this game was somewhat impaired by the quantity of beer consumed during the United game. Nevertheless, Chelsea looked distinctly ordinary in this game. They certainly had the talent to beat Charlton, and dominated for most of the match, but they were missing something -- that hunger you need put the game away and guarantee a win. They were just cruising along, happy with the 1-0 scoreline, and that let Charlton back in it to equalize.

Everton 1 - 0 Arsenal
Arsenal might have wanted to save some of those goals from last week for this match. Everton pushed them hard all game -- not dirty play, just hustling for the ball -- and they deserved the win. Arsenal had a couple of unfortunate offside calls go against them, plus a strike from Freddie Ljungberg touched off the post, but they just couldn't seem to get their attack clicking into high gear. Thierry Henry spent most of the game isolated up front -- not exactly the sort of thing that's going to keep him from fleeing to Spain.

(Also: What the hell is with that growth on Ljungberg's face? Not good. Frankly, I expect better from an underwear model.)

Tottenham 0 - 0 Aston Villa
Tottenham dominated this game in the midfield but they just couldn't break through on goal -- partly due to solid defending from Villa but mostly because their keeper, Sorensen, had a fantastic game. Michael Carrick, meanwhile, had another solid game in for Spurs. He's doing his best to prove that he deserves the holding midfield role for England, but I just can't warm to him -- I think it's because he has a weirdly shaped head. (Hey, I never claimed to be entirely rational about football.)

West Brom 0 - 1 Sunderland
Aw, Sunderland finally got a win. Not that it'll help them to stay up this year, but still, it's nice. And probably fitting that it came from an own goal, because neither team played particularly well. There's a reason why they're both hovering at (or near) the bottom of the table.

Other results
Birmingham 5 - 0 Portsmouth
Bolton 2 - 0 Manchester City
Middlesbrough 2 - 3 Wigan
Newcastle 0 - 1 Blackburn

Premiership Weekend Roundup: January 14-15

Manchester City 3 - 1 Manchester United
You know how I said that United are trying to make me crazy? Yeah. This didn't do much to disprove that theory. Credit to City, because they played hard, but United were simply terrible. Patrice Evra, the new left back, got caught out of position way too often. You could give him the benefit of the doubt, assume that he just needs time to adjust to the demands of the Premiership. But then maybe it's not the best idea to give him his debut in a derby game, eh? And then to compound that with Silvestre beside him! Sir Alex argued that it was because he speaks French and so could communicate with Evra. Personally, I think it'd be much less painful to teach Evra the basics -- "Mark up!" and "Man on!" aren't that hard, surely -- and leave The Mikael Silvestre Comedy Experience on the bench. United may have been unlucky not to get an offside call for one or two of the City goals, but it wouldn't have been an issue if they'd cleared their lines properly.

The midfield, meanwhile, was as ineffective as you'd expect with Fletcher (reverting to form) and O'Shea in the centre, and Ronaldo doing his best to make Wayne Rooney look mature and level-headed by comparison. I didn't think that challenge was a red card the first time I saw it -- yellow definitely, but not red -- but seeing the pictures and replays, yes, it was deserved. And utterly pointless. Up front, the strikers both looked slightly off their game -- I was surprised that Van Nistelrooy wasn't taken off when Louis Saha came on, but he redeemed himself with his goal, one of the few bright spots for United.

Liverpool 1 - 0 Tottenham
Will wonders never cease? Harry "two ponytails are twice as cool" Kewell, man of the match. He had a solid game, capped off with a beautiful finish for the goal. Unfortunately, although Liverpool's defence was back on track after the Luton game, their offence was misfiring once again. Xabi Alonso went missing for much of the first half, although he got stuck in more in the second half, helped by Steven Gerrard moving in towards the centre and Sissoko maurauding forward on the wing. Crouch and Morientes worked hard up front but couldn't seem to link up -- I think their styles just don't mesh naturally. Michael Owen, please come home!

Blackburn 0 - 0 Bolton
An ugly, ugly game. Neither team was able to string much possession together, but that's hardly surprising when the whistle's going constantly. I'm far from being a Bolton fan, but I have to say that it's kind of fun to watch Robbie Savage get knocked down every five minutes.

Sunderland 1 - 2 Chelsea
This would be where I'd point and laugh at Arjen Robben for picking up such a stupid red card -- if it weren't for the fact that Cristiano Ronaldo got sent off for something equally idiotic. Still, you have to wonder, if Arsenal can win 7-0, surely Chelsea ought to be able to beat lowly Sunderland by more than one goal?

Arsenal 7 - 0 Middlesbrough
Thierry Henry would just like to remind all y'all bitches that he is, in fact, cooler than you.

Other results
Wigan 0 - 1 West Brom
Portsmouth 0 - 1 Everton
Fulham 1 - 0 Newcastle
Charlton 2 - 0 Birmingham
Aston Villa 1 - 2 West Ham

Liverpool 2 - 0 Sunderland

Remember what I said about how Liverpool needed Xabi Alonso back in the lineup? Yeah. The went from grinding out a 0-0 draw against Real Betis and a 1-0 win over Man City to a flowing, decisive victory here -- albeit against an inferior opponent in Sunderland -- with Alonso creating both goals. And don't tell me that pass to Luis Garcia for the first goal was a lucky fluke. He may not have known that Garcia would be right there, but he knew he had a teammate up there who was going to run onto it if he played the ball forward. Xabi's too smart to just hoof it up and hope. (And I'm not saying that just because I have a wee bit of a crush on him.)

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 5-6

Manchester United 1-0 Chelsea
I have never been so happy to be wrong.

The game was on a channel that I don't get at home, so I headed to the pub up the street, which just happened to be full of people in United shirts. 11am kickoff + beer = perfect. Of course all the middle-aged British men in the pub felt it was necessary to warn me that there might be some foul language. I told them not to worry, because a lot of it would probably be coming from me.

Anyway, it was a great atmosphere to watch United grind out a win. It would have been good to see some more attacking flair from United -- Van Nistelrooy was pretty much useless. Ronaldo had Paulo Ferreira tied up in knots down the left wing all game, but his crosses weren't always the best -- even the one that led to Fletcher's goal looked as if it was heading out of play. But this kind of gritty performance -- particularly Alan Smith throwing himself into some crunching tackles in midfield -- is exactly what they needed. (And provided me with lots of opportunities to yell at Chelsea that they were "fucking wankers." Did I mention the 11am beer?)

So. It wasn't always pretty, but they did it. Roy Keane may have even cracked a smile.

Aston Villa 0-2 Liverpool
You know, if I'm going to drag myself out of bed at 7:30am for a game, it had better be worth watching. This one really wasn't -- certainly not for the first 75 minutes or so. I still don't see what's so great about Peter Crouch, but at least he brought the game to life.

The Guardian, as usual, says it best:

If Sky want people to pay to view any more games such as this, they should consider making Roy Keane an offer he cannot refuse to continue his career as a pundit. The Manchester United captain's observations on Harry Kewell's new hairdo would have been more entertaining than anything this match produced and Keane could also have brought to bear his withering opinions on questions such as whether Cisse offers more style than substance, where Gerrard and Alonso were supposed to be playing and whether Villa were actually aware the game had kicked off for the first half-hour.

I would also like to know how Xabi Alonso's hair manages to stay so fluffy even after 90 minutes of football. It's one of the mysteries of the universe.

Arsenal 3-1 Sunderland
If only Arsenal had lost, this would have been a perfect football weekend from my point of view. Despite my Arsenal-hate, though, I have to admit that they can play some damn pretty football -- quick, precise passes, lovely flowing movement, and deadly finishing from Thierry Henry. You have to feel a little bit sorry for Sunderland, who were clearly overmatched. Even after they scored to make it 2-1, you could tell that Arsenal were just kind of toying with them, waiting for the chance to pounce and put the game out of reach.

Portsmouth 0-2 Wigan
Does it make me a total bandwagon-jumper if I say that I am kind of rooting for Wigan now? I'm sure they know that they're hardly the best team out there, but they are certainly playing their asses off, and you have to love that.

Most annoying thing about watching the game was that Sportsnet switched over to the Fox soccer feed, which meant that in addition to the score in the top left corner and the Sportsnet bug in the bottom right corner, it also had the FSC bug in the top right corner -- plus, for part of the time, a British Airways logo, for no reason that I can see other than to piss me off. You could barely see the field under all that crap. Although it was still less annoying than The Score on Sunday, where you had to deal with not only the ticker at the bottom of the screen but also that picture-in-picture thing where the anchor has to update you about games that nobody cares about -- or, if they did care, they could find out about by reading the stupid ticker in the first place.

Other results
West Ham 1-0 West Brom
Newcastle 1-0 Birmingham
Fulham 2-1 Manchester City
Blackburn 4-1 Charlton
Everton 1-0 Middlesbrough