FIFA, you son of a terrorist whore!

You remember that saying about how "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," right? Because apparently FIFA doesn't.

They've handed Marco Materazzi a two-match suspension for his part in the incident that led to Zinedine Zidane getting sent off in the World Cup final. Zidane, meanwhile, has been given a three-match suspension, which doesn't mean much, seeing as how he's retired from football. They've also both been fined -- 7500 Swiss francs for Zidane and 5000 Swiss francs for Materazzi.

So what FIFA is saying is that calling somebody names is almost as bad -- two-thirds as bad, to be exact -- as headbutting them.

Really.

What kind of precendent are they setting here? I'm just waiting for the next England-Portugal game, so that Wayne Rooney can punch Cristiano Ronaldo in the face and then excuse himself by saying "But ref, he called me a poo-poo head!"

Trash-talking has always been part of the game. Yeah, sure, it would probably be better if it you could get rid of that. But where do you draw the line? And how do you enforce something that's going to always come down to one player's word against another's?

FIFA and the various national FAs have been attempting to stamp out racist remarks -- either on the pitch or in the stands -- and that's great. In fact, they should be coming down even harder on it. But both Zidane and Materazzi have stated that there wasn't anything racist in what Materazzi said. So what did he do that was worth a two-match ban? Because it seems to me that FIFA is punishing him simply because he had the temerity to insult the great Zizou -- and mess up their precious World Cup in the process.

Going out with a bang

At least it was a memorable game, from Thierry "Victorian maiden" Henry needing smelling salts to Zinedine Zidane being sent off to end his footballing career.

In between there was a penalty that shouldn't have been given but was, a penalty that should have been given but wasn't, a dynamite header from Materazzi -- to make up for conceding the penalty -- and another Italian goal being disallowed for offside. And every once in a while some decent football broke out. The referee, Elizondo, even managed to keep his cards in his pocket for the most part, despite players crumpling to the ground à la Cristiano Ronaldo all over the pitch.

But the only thing people will really remember is that head-butt. You have to wonder just what Materazzi said to Zidane to set him off. I assume it must have been pretty nasty, but nobody's really talking. And regardless, reacting like that is just stupid. It's the World Cup final, Zidane is 10 minutes away from possibly lifting the trophy as the final act of his footballing career, and instead he gets sent off for a moment of such blinding idiocy that even Wayne Rooney would say, "I think you've lost the plot there, mon ami." (This is assuming that Rooney knows any French, which probably is asking too much.)

Anyway, now the rumours are swirling around about what was said and why he did it. Who knows, really. Maybe Zidane figured that if Figo could get away with it, so could he. Maybe he was just having a nic fit.

And just to add the final touch of absurdity, Zizou has won the Golden Ball. Which just goes to show that voting on these awards before the final game is over is kind of dumb. Well done to FIFA for that one. Pouting and winking apparently disqualifies you from winning the Best Young Player award, but head-butting someone is peachy keen.

Despite all the drama, I'm glad that Italy won -- if for no other reason than the fact that their celebration was so incredibly gay. I thought that France were the better team in this game, but Italy were better over the tournament as a whole. (But weren't they supposed to be crap at penalties? What happened to that?)

World Cup Semi-finals

Germany 0-2 Italy
Deutschland, Deutschland über...uh, nobody, actually.

I decided to cheer for Germany after England got knocked out (I'm half German, so it's allowed), and of course that was the kiss of death, as they promptly went down to Italy. Maybe I should have been rooting for Portugal instead.

Still, despite my chosen team losing, it was a great game. And if only the Germans hadn't been collectively possessed by the spirit of Frank Lampard, they might have won. Or, you know, if they had managed not to self-destruct so spectacularly in the last minute of extra time. On the other side you had the evil genius of the Italians, who knew they only needed one goal to win it, and didn't seem that bothered about going to extra time because they figured they'd knick one sooner or later. That second goal was an uncharacteristic extravagance, though -- shouldn't they have been saving it for the final?

• Best player: Fabio Cannavaro, aka the reason the Italian defense is so good. Probably the best player of the tournament so far. (And he doesn't look so bad in his underwear either. I'm just saying.)
  
  
• Best illustration of the fact that goalkeepers are nuts: Jens Lehmann coming way out to collect a stray ball, clocking Fabio Grosso in the process, and then looking down at him disdainfully as the physio came on, all, "Get this riff-raff out of my penalty area."
  
  
• Best dive: Michael Ballack. One of the Italians waved his arm vaguely near Ballack's face, he went down quicker than one of those prostitutes they imported for the tournament, and the ref wisely ignored the whole thing.
  
  
• Best pout: Ballack again. (If he stuck his lip out any further, he'd trip over it. I thought the Germans were supposed to be too Teutonic-ly stoic to pout like that.)

France 1-0 Diving Wankers Portugal
Silly me, somehow I had the idea that the semi-final games were supposed to be exciting. Not this one -- especially not once Zidane had scored. (I'd actually nodded off at that point, but I woke up when the commentators started yelling about a penalty.) After that, it was like France figured Portugal wasn't ever going to put together a proper attack, so they could spend the rest of the game just playing around in midfield, coddling Zizou through to the final and occasionally giving the ball to Ribery to run at the Portuguese defence, just to give the kid something to do.

Portugal's response to all this? Luis Felipe Scolari, master tactician that he is, decided that the best thing to do when you really need a goal is to take off your one and only striker. (Somewhere in Sweden, Sven-Goran Eriksson is thinking, "Damn, I wish I'd thought of that one!") And yeah, it worked about as well as you'd expect. Luckily I'd had a lot of caffeine at half-time so I could stay conscious for the rest of the game.

• Best player: Despite the commentators practically fellating Zizou, I'm going to give it to a defender again, in this case Lilian Thuram. If you've got Eric Abidal in your back line, you've got to be good. Runner-up was Cristiano Ronaldo, who was actually Portugal's most dangerous attacker when he managed to stay vertical.
  
  
• Best illustration of the fact that goalkeepers are nuts: Fabien Barthez punching a free kick straight up in the air and then flailing around helplessly as Figo headed it over the bar. Actually, Fabien Barthez, period.
  
  
• Best dive: Thierry Henry, taking time out from his busy schedule of being caught offside and shrugging Gallic-ly in order to fall down in the 18-yard box. (Yeah, ok, it was a foul, but he still made a meal of it.) Ronaldo tried hard, but he forgot that it helps if the other player actually touches you.
  
  
• Best pout: Poor widdle Ronniecakes takes this one. Who else, really?

England 0-0 Portugal (Portugal 3-1 on penalties)

So, Wayne Rooney gets red-carded, England lose on penalties and go out in the quarter-finals.

In other news, the sky is blue.

First of all, I hereby apologize to Owen Hargreaves for constantly slagging him off (in my own defence, he's generally been terrible in an England shirt). I don't know if he was inspired because it was Canada Day or what, but he was fantastic against Portugal. They say that you usually don't notice the defensive midfielder if he's doing his job properly, just because of the nature of the position, but you definitely noticed Hargreaves in this match, because he was all over the pitch, working his ass off. He even scored his penalty shot.

As for that red card against Wayne Rooney: it was bullshit. Apparently Sven has confirmed that the card was for stepping on Ricardo Carvalho, rather than pushing Ronaldo, which makes me slightly less indignant (because if Figo can head-butt someone and only get a yellow card...). I still think it was a bad call, though, because it looked to me like it was an accident. (You can see the video here; judge for yourself.) I suspect that Rooney wasn't as careful as he might have been about where he put his foot down, but it didn't look like he was deliberately trying to injure Carvalho. It's too bad that it wasn't Cristiano Ronaldo he stepped on instead, though -- because there wouldn't have been any injury, since Ronaldo is so clearly a girl.

So yeah, that sucked, but I don't think it lost England the game. I thought they were the better team, even (or especially) after they went down to 10 men. Of course it would have been easier if they'd had a full team, but what really hurt them were two things:

1. Their lack of creativity up front. England had lots of possession, but couldn't seem to do anything in the final third of the pitch. In hindsight -- and with Frank Lampard continuing to be a big black hole of suck -- I would've gone back to 4-4-2 instead of 4-5-1. Drop Lampard, put Peter Crouch up front with Rooney, and use your wings instead of clogging up the centre of the pitch. Really, what it comes down to is playing to your strengths, rather than just trying to neutralize the other team.
   
   
2. Their continued inability to take penalties. I'm sure they were practicing penalties in training, but clearly not enough. Here's a tip, guys: you're supposed to take lessons from the Germans...not the Swiss. Also: Jamie Carragher, penalty specialist. WTF?

And as a final note, David Beckham has resigned as England captain. I don't think he was a great captain, but nevertheless it's a little sad. (Damn you, Becks, you actually made me like you!) John Terry seems to be the current favourite to replace him, but personally I'd prefer Steven Gerrard. You could argue that Gerrard, unlike Terry, hasn't performed well enough in an England shirt, but I think that giving him the captain's armband might be the way to finally get him to play for England like he does for Liverpool. Not to mention the fact that he's slightly less likely to cry on the pitch.

World Cup Quarter-finals

The quarter-final matches that didn't make me want to stab anyone, that is...

Germany 1-1 Argentina (Germany wins 4-2 on penalties)
Let's say you're managing Argentina in the World Cup, and you've currently got a slim 1-0 lead over Germany in the quarter-finals. You've got Messi, Aimar and Saviola -- among others -- on the bench. What do you do?

Most of us would probably think, "This German team has been pretty good offensively so far. I don't think a one-goal lead is going to be enough. Their defence, on the other hand, is kind of shaky -- seeing as it mostly involves being tall and blond -- so let's see if we can score another one."

If you're Jose Pekerman, on the other hand, you take a page from Sven Goran Erikson's Big Book of Management Fuck-ups and pull off your main playmaker in favour of a defensive midfielder.

Which worked brilliantly, because Germany promptly went out and equalized.

So Pekerman fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go up against Germany on penalties when the World Cup is on the line.

(Did you see the pictures of Oliver Kahn hugging Jens Lehmann after the penalty shoot-out? Please tell me I'm not the only one who found that more than a little terrifying.)


Brazil 0-1 France
Somebody should've reminded Brazil that you have to do more than just show up to win the World Cup, no matter how bonito your joga is supposed to be. They never got out of second gear, whereas France has finally shaken off their first-round apathy and totally outclassed the Brazilians in this match.

I still think Thierry Henry needs to spend a little less time complaining about diving and a little more time studying the offside rule, but nevertheless I hope that France knocks those cheating Portuguese wankers out in the next round.


Italy 3-0 Ukraine
Italy, also, are stepping up their performance at just the right time. Admittedly, they had the easiest of all the quarter-final draws, but the Italians looked pretty solid. Their semi-final match with Germany should be fantastic. (Either that, or a deadly nil-nil draw.) As for Ukraine: thanks for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts for you.

Things we have learned from the World Cup this week

• Losing on a last-minute penalty is probably the shittiest way ever to go out of the World Cup. I wasn't a huge fan of the Socceroos going into the tournament -- due partly to their inexplicable connection with John Travolta -- but you've got to feel for them. Particularly Harry Kewell, who apparently missed their final game because he was struck down with gout. Yes, gout. Like he's Henry VIII or something?
  
  
• Switzerland make England look like a penalty-taking machine by comparison. Apart from that, they're extremely boring to watch, especially without Philippe Senderos running around all bloody.
  
  
• Half the guys on the Ukraine team are named Andriy. What is up with that?
  
  
• Brazil don't have to play pretty football to win. They just win. (Bastards.) Apparently this is fine for Brazil, whereas for England it sets off a national crisis.
  
  
• I should have known that cheering for Spain was a bad idea. I blithely ignored all that talk about them being perennial underachievers, because they actually had a good team this year. They cruised through the group stage, and I started to really believe they could do it. And then what happened? They choked like the big choking chokers they are.
  
  
• If Thierry Henry really believes that diving makes you a woman, then he should be out shopping for some new sports bras right about now.
  
  
• Yes, I'm still bitter.

Meanwhile, Information Builders has been compiling the World Cup statistics that really matter. I'm sure you'll all be shocked to learn that Italy leads the tournament in diving, while Holland is #1 for tantrums. (Link from World Cup Blog.)

And now, I have to go figure out what to do with my fantasy football team. I'm tempted to sell all the English players, because then they'd probably win just to spite me.

In which Portugal and Holland lose their shit, and David Beckham loses his lunch

I've developed a new system of measuring how well England play: it's inversely proportional to the number of beers I consume during the match. This was only a two-beer game, but I suspect it would've been more if not for the 11am kickoff.

The big question is what it's going to take before we can bench Frank Lampard. Seriously. Has he stolen Owen Hargreaves' incriminating pictures of Sven or something? Every time he flubbed a shot today, I could almost hear Steven Gerrard muttering, "I would've scored that one." Attacking midfielder, my ass.

The entire attack was misfiring, though. Five men in the midfield, and not one of them seemed to have any creativity going forward. You can't spend the whole game just trying to hold the ball and hoping that Beckham bends one in. Well, I mean, you can, obviously, judging by England's performances so far, but I wouldn't recommend it. Just because Germany has stopped playing like that doesn't mean someone else should try to take up the mantle.

As for the defence, they looked slightly less shaky than they did against Sweden (where I was covering my eyes every time the ball was crossed into the box) but still far from solid. Ashley Cole was the one exception -- he had a very good game. John Terry, on the other hand, seems to be doing his best Sol-Campbell-has-a-wobbly impression.

Best moment of the match: Beckham scoring that absolutely gorgeous free kick. And then puking all over the sideline. Nice.
Runner-up: The roar of joy in the pub when Owen Hargreaves went down injured and we thought he might have to be substituted.


And as for that Portugal-Netherlands game: I hope y'all have seen it. If you haven't, do whatever you need to do -- beg, borrow, steal -- to get yourself a copy, because it is utterly fantastic. In a "What the shit is this?" kind of way. I'm tempted to watch it again when they replay it later, just so I can boggle some more.

I could summarize it here, but really there wasn't a lot of actual football to analyze. Just picture something like this: foul, foul, dive, goal, foul, handbags, yellow card, dive, foul, shot of Van Nistelrooy looking glum on the sidelines, foul, headbutt, yellow card, dive, red card, handbags, foul, repeat ad nauseum.

Best moment of the match: Gio and Deco sitting on the sidelines together after they'd both been sent off -- presumably commiserating about the ref.
Runner-up: Pick a fight, any fight. My personal favourite was the Figo head-butt (and how he didn't get sent off for that, I don't know, but I suppose it just adds to the general insanity).


In other news: Germany beat Sweden, and Argentina knocked out Mexico. Just like we all knew was going to happen.

The international language of football

Being a football fan takes you to strange places sometimes. In my case, it led to wandering around the streets of beautiful downtown Minden on Tuesday morning, desperately searching for a place to watch the game. The man we stopped on the street kind of looked at us funny when we asked it there was a sports bar open anywhere in town. And even when we explained that no, it wasn't because we wanted a drink at 10:00 am, it was because we wanted to watch the World Cup, he still looked at us funny. But he did direct us to a restaurant that had a TV over the bar (good) and had an all-day breakfast (even better).

There were even a couple of guys at the bar already, watching Germany v. Ecuador. They turned out to be exchange students from Bremen, working for the Ministry of Natural Resources for the summer (poor guys, stuck in northern Ontario rather than at home in Germany, in the middle of the World Cup). They kind of looked askance at my England shirt, but they warmed up when we explained that we were cheering for Germany too. The waitress clearly thought we were all a little nuts, but she humoured us, so it was all good.

Well, except for England's performance against Sweden, which is something best forgotten.

On hiatus

As of yesterday, I'm officially on vacation. Great, right? Except that I'm going to be spending the next week at a cottage...with no cable TV. In the middle of the World Cup.

The idea that I could be missing more crazy games like the knock-down, drag-out brawl that was Italy v. USA is almost enough to make me cry. Except that I've got a black eye right now -- earned in my own game on Friday night -- and that'd probably just make it hurt more. (I'm proud to report, though, that I didn't go down when I got hit, which makes me officially 752 times tougher than Arjen Robben.)

And I've been promised that we'll find a pub in town that's showing the England-Sweden game on Tuesday. Although if England keep playing like they don't really want to win after all, that could make me cry too.

See y'all in the round of 16.

England: WTF*

Good: They won. They're guaranteed a place in the next round.
Bad: They don't look all that likely to go any further, even if they come up against a mediocre Germany next.

Good: England had the lion's share (no pun intended) of possession.
Bad: Didn't know what to do with it. Every other play was either a diagonal ball out to the wings or a long pass up to Crouch. Whereupon it was promptly wasted.

Good: Peter Crouch's goal -- hair-pulling and all.
Bad: Peter Crouch for the previous 83 minutes. He got a little too caught up in the Crouchinho hype, I think.

Good: John Terry. A couple bobbles, but he more than made up for them with that goal-line clearance.
Bad: Paul Robinson. If you want someone to flap uselessly at crosses, why not just start David James?

Good: Steven Gerrard. He wasn't flashy, but he got the job done. His goal was a bonus. (And how much must Shaka Hislop hate him right now?)
Bad: Frank Lampard. If he's going to be given the attacking midfield role ahead of Gerrard, he needs to prove that he deserves it. Shanking the ball wide or shooting right at the keeper is not deserving it.

Good: Wayne Rooney. Who cares if he didn't really do anything once he came on? At least he's fit.
Bad: Michael Owen. He tried hard, but his touch just wasn't there. Needs more time to get back to 100%, but time is already running out.

Good: Sven's substitutions. I was so sure he was going to put Hargreaves on for Carragher, so I was pleasantly surprised to see Aaron Lennon instead.
Bad: The fact that he even needed to make those substitutions in the first place. Also, Jermaine Jenas. Just because.

So, what do England need to do? (Aside from the obvious, which is: suck less.) I would love to see them try something unorthodox in the game against Sweden, and play 3-5-2. Just for the hell of it. I've heard that Gary Neville still might not be fit for that match, so you could either play Ferdinand, Terry and Ashley Cole at the back -- the way they did for the last half-hour against Trinidad & Tobago -- or go with three centre-halves in Carragher, Ferdinand and Terry (I think yesterday proved that, whatever Jamie Carragher's obvious merits, he's just not an attacking fullback).

Then you could stick Michael Carrick in as the holding midfielder (or, if you must, Owen Hargreaves) and give Gerrard the freedom to go forward and bang in a few goals. Hopefully he'd provide some inspiration for Lampard, too. Alternatively, you could start Beckham in a more withdrawn position and play Lennon out on the wing to run at the defenders. Oh, and while we're at it, remind Joe Cole that he is, in fact, supposed to be playing as a winger, and therefore probably shouldn't be cutting in towards the centre every single chance he gets.

Ok, that's the midfield sorted. Up front, I'd still like to start with two strikers, simply so that they'd all have a chance to get back into the groove. Crouch needs to stop trying the fancy shit and focus on the simple things that he does really well. Rooney needs playing time to get match fit, and Michael Owen needs to get his head on straight. (I know he's lacking match fitness as well, but in his case I think it's as much mental as physical.) So, maybe you start with Crouch and Owen, and bring one of them off at halftime for Rooney. (You'll notice that I haven't mentioned Theo Walcott at all. That's because I think Sven's forgotten he exists.)


In other news, while everyone was off salivating over Brazil, Argentina have contrived to become scarily good. Group C is no longer the Group of Death -- it's the Group of Complete and Utter Slaughter.

* I was going to title this post "Whither England?" but I thought that'd only be funny to me.

World Cup III: Togo, or not Togo

I've been complaining at being stuck at work while the World Cup matches are on, but the advantage is that I don't feel compelled to watch games like Togo v. Korea or Tunisia v. Saudi Arabia, and I can just follow them online instead. Sounds like both games had a lot of action, but not a lot of skill.

And, actually, you could say the same about Germany v. Poland. The Polish keeper, Boruc, was pretty good, but most of my entertainment came from wondering how many different ways the Germans could find to fuck up in front of goal. Also, Klinsmann really ought to remind them that passing into space is great, but not if your teammates are running in the opposite direction. Still, they got the win, and it looks like Germany will be the first team to book its place in the final 16.

Of the other games that I actually watched:

• Brazil 1-0 Croatia: It was probably impossible for Brazil to live up to all the pre-tournament hype, but they're going to have to step it up a notch if they want to win this thing. It's not that they were bad, they just weren't as fantastic as I'd expected. Croatia. meanwhile, are probably the best of what you'd think of as the second-tier European teams -- along with Serbia; if only the country didn't keep splitting into smaller and smaller pieces.
  
  
• Spain 4-0 Ukraine: I'm trying not to get too excited over this result, because chances are they're just going to choke in the quarter-finals, but damn that was a great performance from Spain. They've got an excellent midfield, now that Aragones seems to have stopped fucking around with his lineup (and got over his fear of the colour yellow), and they're very good at holding possession. I thought the penalty for Torres was a bad call by the ref, and I wouldn't be surprised if Shevchenko uses some of Abramovich's rubles to take out a hit on the linesmen, because he got screwed by offside calls a few times, but Spain were cruising in spite of the officiating.

Question of the day: Which of the supposed star strikers has underperformed the most so far? Ronaldo? Thierry Henry? Wee Michael Owen? My vote goes to Henry, because he doesn't have the excuse of recovering from injury or carrying around a whole extra person. Of course, he doesn't have the team built around him the way he does at Arsenal, but still, you expect him not to suck quite this much at an international level.

Oh, and the other advantage to watching the games on tape in the evening? The ability to fast-forward through all the annoying commercials (no more really cool oom-pah-pah bands!) and the half-time blather. I still think the Canadian commentators are better than the guys on ESPN, but really, they shouldn't have so much trouble pronouncing "Thierry Henry." Considering that we speak French here and all.

World Cup, part deux

World Cup Hair Watch:

• Czech Republic substitute Jan Polak made a valiant effort to challenge for the Bad Hair Award, but the combination fauxhawk-mullet is sadly played out. Yes, already.
  
• I think we may have to declare a winner, actually, after seeing the wonderfully named Loco of Angola, who's shaved his entire head except for a braided fringe at the front. It's sort of reminiscent of Ronaldo in 2002, but much, much worse.
  
• Francesco Totti, meanwhile, has cut his hair and is practically unrecognizable (meaning, I almost find him attractive now).
  
• And Liverpool fans will be relieved to note that Harry Kewell has cut off his stupid ponytail, which is a vast improvement. He also managed to make it through all 90 minutes of yesterday's game without crumpling with a groin injury -- maybe all that hair was weighing him down before?

Other burning questions:

• Are they really playing "Go West" by the Pet Shop Boys at the end of every match? Why, for the love of god, why?
  
• If the players are complaining about the weather being too hot, why are half of them wearing long-sleeved shirts? I know footballers aren't supposed to be that bright, but come on. Also, Cristiano Ronaldo seemed to have cut slits in the sleeves of his jersey, for no apparent reason other than to make himself look like a bigger prat than usual.
  
• Speaking of perplexing team uniforms, why did Puma design kits for the Azzurri that make them look like they've got permanent pit stains?

Oh, yeah, there were some football matches too.

• Serbia & Montenegro 0-1 Holland: Arjen Robben is a prick, but damn if he can't play football when he wants to. It's infuriating, actually. As for Serbia & Montenegro (soon to be just Serbia), their defence was solid enough to keep the Oranje out for the most part, but I don't think their attack is good enough to take them deep into the tournament.
  
  
• Mexico 3-1 Iran: The 3-1 scoreline makes this game sound a lot more exciting than it actually was. I mean, it wasn't as bad as England-Paraguay or anything, but then again neither is my rec league.
  
  
• Angola 0-1 Portugal: Angola seemed to have stage fright for the first five minutes or so, but after that they settled down and stopped making Portugal look nearly so good (or, at least, they stopped letting Figo, who is not exactly known for his pace, burst past their defenders). Best moment of the match: the commentator noting, when Cristiano Ronaldo got substituted, that he looked like he was "about to throw his teddy bear out of the pram."
  
  
• USA 0-3 Czech Republic: I am a little too gleeful about this one. The Czechs played very well -- they might even justify their #2 FIFA ranking -- but the USA at #5 is a joke. The Americans had plenty of possession but never looked dangerous when they got near the goal. In other news, Arsene Wenger now looks like a genius for buying Tomas Rosicky, and Bruce Arena somehow doesn't even have to open his mouth for me to want to smack him in the face.
  
  
• Italy 2-0 Ghana: Michael Essien was much more impressive for Ghana than he has been so far for Chelsea -- possibly because he didn't spend the entire game either trying to cover for Frank Lampard or making ugly tackles. Italy looked fairly solid -- based on their play, they seem to be doing a good job of ignoring the match-fixing scandal -- but their strikers aren't quite clicking, as you can tell by the fact that it took a Steven-Gerrard-to-Thierry-Henry-esque backpass to give them the second goal.
  
  
• Australia 3-1 Japan: How much do you wish that Guus Hiddink was going to be the next England coach? Now this is a man who knows how to use substitutes to turn a game around.

World Cup update

It's day three of the World Cup and I've managed to watch every game so far. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up, seeing as I have, you know, an actual job, but for the moment it's great.

Things we have learned in the past two days:

• Currently leading the pack in the World Cup Bad Hair competition is Sweden's Christian Wilhelmsson with his lopsided rattail (reminiscent of New Kids on the Block circa 1989; unfortunately I haven't been able to find a good picture), followed by fauxhawked Bastian Schweinsteiger of Germany and the entire Argentine team.
  
  
• The vampire who refereed the England-Paraguay game really had it in for Peter Crouch, who constantly got fouls called against him for, as far as I could tell, simply being tall and gangly. Maybe the ref just doesn't like the robot dance.
  
  
• Half the Trinidad and Tobago players seem to have their first and last names backward. Poland has the best names so far, though, with players called "Bonk" and "Yop" (I'm probably not spelling those right, but I'm too lazy to look them up).

In my attempt at more serious analysis (ha!):

• Germany 4-2 Costa Rica: I know Jurgen Klinsmann has been trying to make Germany a more attacking team, but I didn't realize that meant giving them a complete personality transplant. Scoring four goals is great and all, but their back line was so shaky it'd make Newcastle look good by comparison.
  
  
• Poland 0-2 Ecuador: Actually, I fell asleep watching this one. I think it's probably better that way.
  
  
• England 1-0 Paraguay: England, on the other hand, haven't had a personality transplant at all, no matter how much Sven tried to fool us with his squad selection. You know the pattern: Eke out a lead and then hold on like grim death (two words: Owen Hargreaves. Which is not so much "grim death" as "mild case of stomach flu," but anyway). At least they did manage to win withough actually scoring a goal, so that's...good? I guess?
  
  
• Sweden 0-0 Trinidad & Tobago: The upset of the tournament so far (I realize it's only day three, and it was actually a tie, but humour me here). Looking at it as an England fan, this is a great result, but on the other hand, if England play worse when they come up against mediocre opponents (see: England v. Paraguay, among others), then their game against Sweden next week is going to be awful.
  
  
• Argentina 2-1 Cote d'Ivoire: The first game from the group of death (yes, America, it's Group C, not Group E, no matter how much you whine) so I figured it had to be good. The Ivory Coast have a fair bit of talent -- not to mention tons of pace -- but Argentina have even more talent and looked very disciplined. If they keep playing like this, they're going to go far in the tournament. And that'll bug me, because it turns out my dislike for Diego Maradona is even greater than my annoyance with Didier Drogba.

Also, I have to give props (can I even say that, or am I just too white?) to Sportsnet and TSN for their coverage so far. Just look at the TV schedule: that is a thing of beauty. They're airing everything live, and rerunning every game at least once. (And plus there's all the games on the foreign language channels. Yay for Canadian broadcasters.) I haven't been paying a lot of attention to their pre- and post-game coverage, but at least it hasn't made me want to throw things at the TV -- until this morning, when they referred to Arjen Robben as "classy." Perhaps most importantly, they're using the British international feed, rather than ESPN, for their play-by-play commentary, for which I am profoundly grateful. And you should be too, because it means I don't have to rant about it for the next month.

(Speaking of throwing things at my TV, though: those Rogers wireless commercials where they go to Germany and find a "really cool oom-pah-pah band," etc., are on constantly and every time I hate them more. Unlike the Adidas +10 ads, which I could happily watch over and over, and yes I know that makes me a patsy to advertising but I don't care. They make Jermain Defoe play goal!)

The England World Cup Drinking Game

Inspired by a conversation with YNBA. Because god knows that those of us cheering for England are going to need a lot of alcohol to get through the next month.

You know how this works -- while watching England at the World Cup, take a drink if any of the following happens:

Before the game

• They drop the coin during the coin toss
  
• Michael Owen is only marginally taller than the mascot
  
• At least half of the England players appear to have forgotten the words to the national anthem
  
• Gary Neville looks Very Very Serious
  
• But the effect is somewhat ruined because he seems to have a piece of lint on his upper lip
  
• There's a shot of a fat, shirtless man in the stands with St. George's cross painted on his body
  
• It's Wayne Rooney (CHUG)

During the game

• David Beckham gets booked for a stupid tackle
  
• Wayne Rooney gets booked for mouthing off to the referee
  
• Even if he's not on the pitch (two drinks)
  
• You forget that Frank Lampard is actually playing
  
• Until he scores from a lucky deflection
  
• Steven Gerrard flails his arms, sticks his tongue out, stuffs his shirt in his mouth, or otherwise acts like a hyperactive five-year-old
  
• John Terry pulls his socks up over his knees
  
• Rio Ferdinand attempts to dribble out of defence and gives the ball away instead
  
• An England player dives in the 18-yard box
  
• The commentators immediately leap to defend him (two drinks)
  
• England miss the resulting penalty (CHUG)

England score, and

• David Beckham jumps on his teammates as photogenically as humanly possible
  
• Frank Lampard kisses his ring and looks incredibly smug
  
• Joe Cole takes his shirt off
  
• And gets booked for it (two drinks)
  
• Peter Crouch does the robot
  
• Any other England player does the robot (CHUG)

The commentators

• Anyone mentions the word "metatarsal"
  
• Anyone mentions 1966
  
• They note that Peter Crouch has a good touch for a big man
  
• Or any variation thereof
  
• They note that John Terry scores a lot for a defender
  
• One of the commentators mispronounces a player's name
  
• It's an England player (two drinks)
  
• You consider switching over to the Spanish commentary, because it couldn't possibly be worse (CHUG)

On the sidelines

• Steve McClaren appears to have turned the same colour as the England away jerseys
  
• Sven has an actual facial expression
  
• They make a dumbassed substitution
  
• It's Owen Hargreaves (DRINK, AND DON'T STOP)

Is it the World Cup yet?

The outdoor season started for me on Friday. We played in the rain, I got soaked, and woke up on Saturday with a nasty cold, so I spent all weekend on the couch, blowing my nose and feebly bemoaning the lack of football on TV. It's a pretty slow week for footie news, until the friendlies gear up. (But let me just gloat at the USMNT for losing 1-0 to Morocco. Way to justify your place in the FIFA rankings, guys.)

Meanwhile, the England team took a tour of the new Wembley stadium. Footballers in hard hats and rubber boots are always amusing. But possibly a bit risky, considering the damage that a falling rafter could do to a metatarsal.

Everyone in the England camp is being optimistic, though. Which is all well and good, until you remember that Phil Neville is now on the standby list in place of Nigel Reo-Coker.

And Manchester United's team doctor has quit, just a day before Wayne Rooney is set to have another scan on his foot, after a "difference of opinion" with Sir Alex Ferguson. The club claims, "The difference was over a non-clinical issue and had nothing whatsoever to do with any medical treatment to a Manchester United player." Uh-huh. If you believe that, you probably believe the FIFA rankings, too.

Other than that, there's lots of transfer rumours swirling around as usual. Man United are planning to dump Ruud Van Nistelrooy and replace him with Eidur Gudjohnsen. Doesn't sound like the best swap to me, but then I suppose Gudjohnsen has the advantage in that Fergie doesn't hate his breathing guts.

Shaun Wright-Phillips is also desperate to get off the bench at Chelsea. So desperate that he might be going to Newcastle. And Didier Drogba wants to leave too, because the poor widdle baby is tired of being called a cheat (here's a hint: THEN DON'T CHEAT), and might like a move to Italy...like, say, Milan. That, of course, is just fuelling the Shevchenko-to-Chelsea will-he-won't-he rumours. Not that I can blame Sheva for wanting to get out of Italy, with the league falling apart around him, but really: does it have to be Chelsea? There's lots of other teams that need strikers and yet are not the embodiment of evil.

Liverpool is planning to get rid of Djimi Traore, unlikely Champions League medal and all, and Fernando Morientes. Or maybe not. They're being linked with just about every striker out there, except maybe Shevchenko. Except to see Michael Owen sending up flares from Newcastle in the near future. Over at Highbury, Sol Campbell might be leaving for Turkey (did he get hit in the head again?). Or he might not. And Arsenal have signed some Czech guy whose nickname is, apparently, "Dumpling."

Yeah, I've got nothing. If you want to pass the time, go read this National Geographic feature on the World Cup instead.

16 MORE DAYS.

Footballers blog too!

Anyone else reading the players' blogs on MSN's Road to the World Cup? Some of them are interesting; some of them not so much. Edgar Davids' is always opinionated...but he's not actually going to the World Cup. Oops.

Also this week, Michael Owen on Steve McClaren as the new England manager. You have to wonder whether he wrote this before or after the UFA Cup final -- but at least he seems to think it's a good choice.

"The continuity is positive as well. It's not as if we need to fix anything - there's nothing broken with England."

Aside from a metatarsal or two, that is.

What else could go wrong for England before the World Cup?

1. David Beckham has an OCD fit and claims he can't play because there are an odd number of players on the team.
   
   
2. Gary Lineker's granny becomes the new manager.
   
   
3. Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard bitch-slap each other in an argument over who's really the best midfielder.
   
   
4. Peter Crouch suffers a head injury after he's clipped by a low-flying plane.
   
   
5. Owen Hargreaves is named to the squad.

No question, England is going to miss having Wayne Rooney in the squad for Germany. Yes, it's possible that he could still play, but it's about as likely as Didier Drogba staying on his feet for 90 minutes straight. So what are their other options? What Sven is probably going to do is stick Crouch up front with Michael Owen (assuming he's actually fit, that is). And it's not the worst idea in the world. Crouch is the sort of player who's most useful when he has somebody to play off him, to run onto the balls that he knocks down. And I can't think of a much better player for that role than wee Mikey. Plus, it means we'll get lots of amusing photos of the two of them lining up together.

I'm not sure it's the best option, though. I think it might make more sense to play the dreaded 4-5-1. I mean, as it is, the team is drowning in midfielders that Sven can't figure out what to do with, so why not use them? Stick Michael Carrick in there to anchor things, give Gerrard and Lampard the freedom to get forward rather than trying to play a role that doesn't suit them, and put Beckham and Joe Cole out on the wings. (Just, for the love of god, don't let Beckham talk his way into that "quarterback" position in the centre of the midfield.) Or, if you want to be really attack-minded, switch the 4-5-1 to 4-3-3 -- I slag off Jose Mourinho all the time, but it's certainly worked for Chelsea -- and throw on another winger like Aaron Lennon or Sean Wright-Phillips (if you can dig him out of whatever basement Mourinho's locked him up in).

Voila. Problem solved. I'm just waiting for the FA to call and ask if I'm interested in taking over from Sven.

Well, why not? I couldn't be much worse than Steve McClaren will be. The FA has fucked up the entire process, starting with deciding that they had to name the manager before the World Cup starts. I know they claimed it was to avoid having speculation about Sven 2.0 overshadow the tournament itself, but it's impossible to avoid a certain amount of speculation -- it's just a question of what exactly the speculation is about.

So all they've done with that ridiculous deadline is drive away Scolari, who was by far the best candidate. You can't blame him for not wanting to deal with the media intrusion -- or, more likely, to work for the buffoons at the FA. I'm still clinging, though, to my private theory that Scolari said he didn't want the job just to get people to leave him alone for a couple months, and he'll swoop down and save us from McClaren right after England beats Spain to win the Cup.

What? It could happen.

Dear Dave Egger...

Nobody outside of the U.S. actually believes that Group E is the Group of Death. Just FYI.

kisses,
Footie Girl

P.S. The description of kids' soccer games is pretty accurate, though.

I hereby nominate myself as the next England manager

I figure that I've got about as much European experience as Sam Allardyce, so why the hell not?

And with that, here's who I'd take on the plane to Germany:

Goalkeepers

1. Paul Robinson -- Hopefully he'll be as deadly to the other teams as he is to his own players
   
2. David "Calamity" James -- Hopefully he won't actually have to play.
   
3. That other guy whose name I never remember...Chris Kirkland? Either him or Robert Green. It doesn't really matter which one.

Defenders

1. Jamie Carragher -- Possibly the best centre-half in the Premiership this season, if only Sven would realize it.
   
2. John Terry -- He could probably fill the #3 'keeper spot as well, the way he's been playing recently.
   
3. Rio Ferdinand -- Yeah, I know he's been crap recently, but you need at least one of the centre-backs to have pace. Carra can yell at him to keep him awake.
   
4. Gary Neville -- He may be a prat, but he's also one of the best right-backs around.
   
5. Ashley Cole -- Assuming he's fit, which they desperately need him to be. And not randomly suing people.
   
6. Wayne Bridge -- Again, assuming he's fit; what is it with the England left-backs and ankles made of glass?
   
7. Ledley King -- Because yes, he is actually a defender, not a midfielder.
   
8. Luke Young -- On the off chance that Gary Neville implodes, I think it makes more sense to take cover at right-back rather than yet another centre-half.

Missing out:

• Sol Campbell -- Do you really need an unstable defender who's liable to go missing for big chunks of the game? After all, you've already got Rio Ferdinand.
  
• Jonathan Woodgate -- Maybe if the games were only 5 minutes long; any more than that and he's just going to get injured again.
  
• Wes Brown -- Better than Rio for United for much of this season, but one defender with ridiculous hair is more than enough.

Midfielders

1. Steven Gerrard -- If he can carry Liverpool to the Champions League final, just imagine what he could do with a team that doesn't include Djimi Traore.
   
2. David Beckham -- Because you've got to have someone to make rash tackles, take all the free kicks (and waste most of them), and smile photogenically for the cameras.
   
3. Frank Lampard -- Plays almost the exact same role as Stevie G., but hasn't been nearly as good this season. Will start anyway, and will score a couple of lucky deflected goals, therefore (dubiously) justifying his selection.
   
4. Joe Cole -- I hate Jose Mourinho, but damn if he hasn't turned Cole into an excellent player. Pity he's such a dick.
   
5. Sean Wright-Phillips -- Looked better than Becks when he came on in the game against Uruguay. And yet he still can't get off the bench for Chelsea. Maybe Mourinho keeps mistaking him for one of the ball-boys?
   
6. Scott Parker -- Hey, look at that! A holding midfielder who actually plays that position for his club on a regular basis! Shocking.
   
7. Michael Carrick -- Despite my (slightly irrational) love for Scott Parker, I can admit that Carrick's done a good job at Spurs and could work as the holding midfielder for England. Anyone but Ledley King or Rio, really.
   
8. Kieran Richardson -- Hasn't been that great this season, but at least he's actually left-footed. Could fill in at the back in a pinch if both Cole and Bridge get injured (again).

Missing out:

• Jermaine Jenas -- I don't get what Sven sees in him, honestly. I suspect that if he were at Newcastle instead of Parker, their positions in the England squad would be reversed.
  
• Phil Neville -- Jack of all trades, master of none. Too bad he didn't stay at Man United.
  
• Owen Hargreaves -- The only good thing about Sven (theoretically) putting Jenas in the squad is that it keeps Hargreaves out.

Strikers

1. Wayne Rooney -- He'd be the first name on the teamsheet every time, if not for Sven's inexplicable hard-on for Beckham.
   
2. Michael Owen -- The only striker they've got with a proven record of scoring at the World Cup. Cocoon him in bubble wrap to keep him healthy for the next three months if necessary.
   
3. Peter Crouch -- Brings that missing quality to the England front line -- i.e., the ability to reach the top shelf in the dressing room.
   
4. Jermain Defoe -- Eh, why not.

Missing out:

• Darren Bent -- Didn't do enough in the game against Uruguay.
  
• Any of those other random strikers -- If I can't remember their names, they haven't earned a spot in the squad.

World Cup draw

This is where I, along with every other football blogger in the known universe, analyze the groups and predict which teams will move on to the next round -- only to look like idiots six months from now, when one of the established powers fails spectacularly and one of the guppies stages an upset.

Note: Figures in brackets are current FIFA rankings and odds of winning, according to the Guardian. (And just how fucked up are those FIFA rankings, anyway, if you compare them to the odds for each team.)

Group A
Germany (16; 7-1)
Costa Rica (21; 350-1)
Poland (23; 80-1)
Ecuador (37; 125-1)

A fairly easy group for the hosts. Germany should go through without a problem. The second team is a tough one to call, but I think probably Poland, especially playing so close to home.

Group B
England (9; 7-1)
Paraguay (30; 80-1)
Trinidad & Tobago (51; 750-1)
Sweden (14; 33-1)

Any group with the minnows from Trinidad & Tobago has to look inviting. England should go through easily (but then, they should also have been able to beat Northern Ireland, so...). Sweden is the one team in the group liable to present them with problems, and is also probably going to join them in the round of 16.

Group C
Argentina (4; 6-1)
Ivory Coast (41; 50-1)
Serbia & Montenegro (47; 50-1)
Netherlands (3; 9-1)

Aha, the infamous Group of Death. Argentina and the Netherlands should go through, but it certainly won't be easy. Both the Ivory Coast and Serbia & Montenegro are capable of an upset.

Group D
Mexico (7; 66-1)
Iran (19; 250-1)
Angola (62; 500-1)
Portugal (10; 20-1)

This one looks fairly straightforward, with Portugal and Mexico going through. The matchup between Portugal and their former colony, Angola, could be interesting, though.

Group E
Italy (12; 7-1)
Ghana (50; 200-1)
USA (8; 80-1)
Czech Republic (2; 28-1)

If Group C is the Group of Death, then this one is, as my friend Amanda said, the Group of Serious Bodily Harm. Italy and the Czech Republic to go through, although the US could surprise if either of the European teams falter.

Group F
Brazil (1; 11-4)
Croatia (20; 50-1)
Australia (49; 100-1)
Japan (15; 125-1)

I guess Australia should be happy that they get a chance to play Brazil in the first round of their first World Cup, because there's no way they're going to make it out of the group stage. Brazil and Croatia.

Group G
France (5; 12-1)
Switzerland (36; 100-1)
South Korea (29; 150-1)
Togo (56; 350-1)

It's possible that France will crash out early the way they did in 2002, but I think they'll go on to the round of 16 at least before self-destructing. The scrappy South Koreans should be the second team.

Group H
Spain (6; 12-1)
Ukraine (40; 50-1)
Tunisia (28; 200-1)
Saudi Arabia (32; 500-1)

Spain lucked out with this group, especially after their dodgy qualifying run. I expect them to go through, along with the Ukraine. They'll be hoping that the Saudis are obliging enough to give up 8 goals, as they did against Germany last time.