Champions League Round of 16: March 5

Champions League Round of 16: March 5

Real Madrid 1-2 Roma (2-4 agg)
That sound you hear is Iker Casillas weeping into his gloves as the defence in front of him imploded once again and Real Madrid crashed out of the Champions League at this stage for the fourth year in a row. Pepe was sent off for a second yellow card in the 71st minute, and just a couple minutes later Taddei scored the opening goal for Roma. Raul equalized shortly thereafter, but his team would have still needed another goal to bring them level over two legs. Instead it was Roma who scored again, Vucinic guaranteeing their place in the next round with a goal in stoppage time.

Chelsea 3-0 Olympiakos
Fucking Chelsea. I guess it was too much to hope that they would choke. Instead they've cruised through, helped by the fact that Olympiakos were essentially useless. They've also demonstrated that Michael Ballack and Frank Lampard can play together after all: the opening goal was a Ballack header from Lampard's cross, the second Ballack's shot and Lampard scoring the rebound. (Kalou added the third goal in the second half.) So, I don't know; maybe we need to start teaching Steven Gerrard some German.

Porto - Schalke (1-1 agg; 1-4 pen)
Porto were down to 10 men when Lisandro Lopez scored in the 86th minute to cancel out Schalke's 1-0 lead from the first leg and force extra time. But after that ended with no more goals, Schalke keeper Manuel Neuer made two penalty saves to send his team into the quarter-finals for the first time.

Liverpool travel to Italy next week for the second leg against Inter. I will be wearing my lucky red shirt and attempting not to bite my fingernails.

Champions League Round of 16: February 19

Liverpool 2-0 Inter
For 85 minutes, I thought that this was going to be one of those nights. One of those games where, no matter how much Liverpool dominated, they just weren't going to score.

Liverpool started strongly, pushing Inter back and forcing the defenders into errors, like those two fouls by Materazzi on Torres. That may have added up to a harsh red card -- although, come on, if you were going to bet on a player being sent off, it would totally have been Matrix. But even with a one-man advantage and almost 70% of possession, they still couldn't find a way through. You could see the same problems that have plagued them all season with their inability to kill games off; they really didn't create enough clear chances to test the keeper. In fact, I was starting to worry that it would be Inter who'd manage to steal a goal.

But finally, it was the much-maligned Dirk Kuyt who scored the crucial goal for Liverpool, with a lot of help from a deflection. I still don't understand Rafa's penchant for playing him as a winger (considering that he has neither speed nor a great deal of skill on the ball), but at least he was in the right place at the right time for once. By that point, Inter's defence had been weakened further as their other centre half, Ivan Cordoba, had already been taken off injured. And substitute Patrick Vieira, who looks to be about half the player he once was, had been very lucky not to concede a penalty after a blatant handball in the box.

Gerrard added a bit of gloss to the scoreline with a 90th-minute goal that found its way through a crowd of players and arrowed in off the far post. That leaves Liverpool with a two-goal advantage heading into the second leg in Milan, with the bonus of not having given up an away goal. How come they can do it against the best teams in Europe but not against fucking Barnsley? Gah.

Also: Shut up, Tommy Smyth. I should know better than to expect anything insightful from the ESPN commentators, but really. Whatever strategy Liverpool tried yesterday, he criticized. First he didn't like that they were playing the ball back and forth across the pitch -- despite the fact that that's a pretty good way to pull the other team out of position, especially when they're a man down. Then he said that they needed to keep possession more. (More than 70%? Whatever.) Then he said that rather than holding on to the ball, they should be running at defenders instead. Eedjit.


Roma 2-1 Real
Real will be disappointed not to have come away with at least a draw, after taking an early lead with a goal from Raul and dominating much of the play. But Roma got over their intra-team squabbling and came back to win the game, helped by a deflected goal and then a defensive lapse by Gabriel Heinze. Poor Iker Casillas. He deserves better.

Olympiakos 0-0 Chelsea
"Do I want to watch Chelsea grind out another stultifying scoreless draw?" I asked myself. And the answer was, emphatically, no. Instead, I will give you this statistic: Five shots on target in the whole game. For both teams combined. That's the excitement of European competition, right there.

Schalke 1-0 Porto
Kevin Kuranyi gave his team a narrow lead with an early goal. I strongly disapprove of Kevin Kuranyi's facial hair.

Champions League Matchday 5: November 27-28

Liverpool 4-1 Porto
A flattering scoreline for Liverpool, but I'm not about to complain, because they got the job done, and that's what matters at this point. They played pretty well for the first half-hour, Fernando Torres opening the scoring and suggesting that, unlike at Newcastle, he had his shooting boots on yesterday. But then Porto scored to even things up, somewhat against the run of play, and Liverpool looked frighteningly ragged for the rest of the half. They came out pushing for a goal after halftime, but their play looked laboured, as if they were almost trying too hard to break through. But at least in this game, Rafa wasn't afraid to use his substitutes, or making the changes too late to have an impact, bringing on first Harry Kewell and then Peter Crouch. It was Torres who ended up with the winning goal, though, proving his value and maybe reminding Hicks and Gillett just what you can do with a generous transfer budget, before Gerrard and Crouch added two more late goals to put a gloss on the game.

Manchester United 2-1 Sporting Lisbon
Not the most convincing performance by United. They looked sluggish and sloppy throughout the first half, while Sporting came out strongly and reaped their reward with the opening goal, as Kuszczak was badly beat at the near post (how much longer until Ben Foster is fit again, does anyone know?). But Sir Alex changed things up at halftime, bringing on Giggs and Tevez in place of Fletcher and Nani, and the substitutions eventually made the difference. First a bit of a lucky equalizer, as Ronaldo's shot was deflected in off Tevez. And then finally a stoppage-time winner: Ronaldo again, with a brilliant free kick from 30 yards out that swerved past the keeper into the far corner. They could've used some of that against Bolton, eh?

Group A
Beşiktaş 2-1 Marseille
Liverpool 4-1 Porto

This group is still completely open, with all four teams still having a chance to progress. Besiktas's win over Marseille might actually make things harder for Liverpool, because otherwise the French team could have already qualified when Liverpool travel there in a couple weeks. Liverpool need a third win in a row; a draw won't be enough, since they lost to Marseille on Matchday 2. Porto, meanwhile, are at home to Besiktas and need only a draw, which shouldn't be that tough because Besiktas seem to be crap on the road.

Group B
Rosenborg 0-4 Chelsea
Valencia 0-0 Schalke

Chelsea cruised to a win over Rosenborg and clinched first place in the group -- a bit of revenge for the draw in their opening game that was the end for Jose Mourinho. Schalke v. Rosenborg on Matchday 6 will determine which of them will be the other team to go through, while Valencia -- who lost captain David Albelda to an early red card in their draw here -- play out a meaningless game with Chelsea.

Group C
Werder Bremen 3-2 Real Madrid
Lazio 1-2 Olympiakos

Werder Bremen's victory over Real Madrid is a great result for the injury-wracked team, although they'll still need to beat Olympiakos to survive the group. Real Madrid won't be happy to have things still up in the air when they're at home to Lazio in the final game (and I'm sure Iker Casillas will be making his exasperated face many more times), but Olympiakos' comeback here means that the Italians have very little chance of moving on.

Group D
Benfica 1-1 AC Milan
Celtic 2-1 Shakhtar Donetsk

Milan's draw with Benfica guaranteed their spot in the knockout round, while Benfica can hope for the UEFA Cup at best when they travel to the Ukraine to face Shakhtar Donetsk. Celtic's stoppage-time winner over Shakhtar means that they need just a point in Milan to move on, although that may not be such an easy task.

Group E
Stuttgart 3-2 Rangers
Lyon 2-2 Barcelona

A very back-and-forth game between Stuttgart and Rangers resulted in a first win for the German team, but it was too little, too late, as they've still been knocked out. Barcelona are assured of first place in the group after their draw with Lyon, who came back to equalize twice thanks to Juninho. Lyon visit Rangers on Matchday 6 in a fight for the second spot in the round of 16.

Group F
Dynamo Kiev 1-4 Roma
Manchester United 2-1 Sporting Lisbon

United maintained their perfect record in the competition so far this year and clinched their place atop the group, while Roma also booked their place in the next round with an emphatic win that eliminated Dynamo Kiev. That leaves the last set of games virtually meaningless, with the final standings already determined, so expect a second-string United team to travel to Italy.

Group G
CSKA Moscow 0-1 PSV Eindhoven
Inter Milan 3-0 Fenerbahçe

Inter's decisive victory over Fenerbahçe puts them on top of the group and through to the next round, ahead of their away game against PSV. Fenerbahçe, now fighting it out with PSV for the second spot, will host CSKA, who have already been knocked out.

Group H
Sevilla 3-1 Arsenal
Steaua Bucharest 1-1 Slavia Prague

Having already booked their place in the last 16, Arsenal fielded a weakened lineup in Seville and paid the price, throwing away a 1-0 lead in what turned out to be a pretty poor game for the Gunners (especially the hapless Philippe Senderos) and their first loss of the season. The win for Sevilla moves them ahead of Arsenal atop the group, with just their final position left to be decided. Slavia Prague, at home to Sevilla in the next round, will drop into the UEFA Cup after their draw with Steaua Bucharest, while eliminated Steaua travel to the Emirates.

Champions League Round of 16 Wrapup

I was a less than impressive three for eight in my predictions. But I'm quite happy with that, because in almost every case the team I liked better is through (the obvious exception being Chelsea, and even there I couldn't quite bring myself to cheer for Porto).

Liverpool 0 - 1 Barcelona (2-2 aggregate)
Yeah, they lost. But who cares? Because last year's champions are out and Liverpool are not. And now we do the dance of joy!

I was nervous before the game about how Liverpool would approach it -- whether they'd try to just defend their lead from the first leg and end up paying for it. And they did put on a very organized, disciplined display. Jamie Carragher was awesome once again (I could watch him make tackles like this all day, seriously), and the whole back line was solid, including Arbeloa once again playing out of position at left-back (which makes more sense than you'd think, since Leo Messi cuts inside onto his left foot a lot). They didn't spend the whole game sitting back, though. Liverpool actually had a lot more shots than Barca did, but they just could not hit the net. And I've made that exact same comment way too many times this season. More shooting practice, please, boys?


Tuesday's other games

• Valencia 0 - 0 Inter Milan (2-2 aggregate): Ok, you've all seen the fight, right? Watch it again anyway. It's not like there are any goals to tell you about. Plus, even though we're officially supposed to disapprove of this sort of thing, it's still tremendously entertaining. A twisted kind of credit goes to Valencia's David Navarro for actually breaking Nicolas Burdisso's nose rather than just flapping at him like a sissy, but negative points for then running away afterwards.
  
  
• Chelsea 2 - 1 Porto (3-2 aggregate): Chelsea were hardly dominant in this game, but they were also helped by some terrible goalkeeping from Porto's Helton, who made a complete hash of stopping Arjen Robben's shot. And hey, look at that! Michael Ballack finally did something useful and scored the winning goal. He's been well worth that gazillion pounds a week in wages, eh?
  
  
• Lyon 0 - 2 Roma (0-2 aggregate): Yeah, Roma still have no strikers. But apparently they don't need them.

Manchester United 1 - 0 Lille (2-0 aggregate)
Thank you, Henrik Larsson. If that was his last goal for United, it's a good way to go out. I really wish they were able to keep him, though; he may have only scored three goals so far, but they've been valuable ones. And all of a sudden they're short on strikers, with Louis Saha and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer out injured. And considering that Wayne Rooney is now their only option who (a) is fit and (b) hasn't spent the past year recovering from a horrific injury, maybe the thing to do is not strand him out of position and hope that he'll magically be in form. Yes?

No. Instead Sir Alex opted for the dreaded 4-5-1, with Rooney and Ronaldo on the wings and John O'Shea in the centre in place of Ryan Giggs. There are several possible reasons for this: resting Giggs before this weekend's FA Cup game; trying to placate Lille; giving a start to O'Shea in hopes that he'd repeat his heroics against Liverpool; and/or attempting to drive me around the bend once and for all. But whatever the reason, it didn't work out. Admittedly United were less defensive than they often are with this formation, morphing into a 4-3-3 when they went forward, but that flowing attack is still missing. They desperately need to get their attacking form back for the run-into the season, because they're going to be looking for goals from all over without a guaranteed finisher in the lineup.


Wednesday's other games

• AC Milan 1 - 0 Celtic (1-0 aggregate): Celtic's abysmal away record in Europe continues, but they put on a good show here, taking Milan to extra time before they were defeated by a brilliant goal by Kaka, which was the first time either side had scored in more than three hours of football.
  
  
• Arsenal 1 - 1 PSV Eindhoven (1-2 aggregate): Arsenal's season has gone to shit in less than two weeks, and it's all their own fault. This game was a microcosm of their problems this season: Trying to pass the other team to death rather than shooting, and then, when they did deign to shoot, terrible finishing. They probably would have gone through if they'd been able to score in either leg, but in fact their only goal came courtesy of a PSV player -- Alex, who also scored at the other end to put his own team into the quarter-finals.
  
  
• Bayern Munich 2 - 1 Real Madrid (4-4 aggregate): Real Madrid shot themselves in the foot right from the kickoff, as a mistake by Roberto Carlos let Bayern Munich in for Roy Makaay to score the fastest goal in Champions League history. Bayern went 2-0 up before Real pulled one back with a late penalty, but it wasn't enough as the Spanish side went out on away goals.

Quarter-final draw

1. AC Milan v Bayern Munich - Bayern have already knocked out one former heavyweight in Real Madrid. Can they do it again?
   
2. PSV Eindhoven v Liverpool - Probably the best draw Liverpool could have got, although they can't underestimate PSV.
   
3. Roma v Manchester United - This could be tricky. United should try to take the game to Roma in the away leg.
   
4. Chelsea v Valencia - Go Valencia. That is all.

Semi-finals: W1 v W3, W2 v W4

Champions League Round of 16: February 21

Barcelona 1 - 2 Liverpool
You couldn't write this script, could you? Bellamy scores, Riise scores, and Liverpool leave the Nou Camp with an amazing victory. And Bellamy celebrates with a golf swing, because that's exactly the kind of entertaining asshole he is.

Speaking of scripts, you know who could have used one? The announcers on ESPN. I realize that it's unorthodox to play Alvaro Arbeloa, nominally a right-back, on the left side of defence. (Although, doesn't Zambrotta switch back and forth all the time for Barcelona?) Regardless, it shouldn't have taken them the entire first half to figure this out. Maybe if they'd paid attention to what was actually happening instead of mistakenly berating the players for being out of position.

As for what was happening on the field: Liverpool started off well, but Barcelona gradually cranked up the pressure. A surging run from Zambrotta, a cross to the far post and some slack marking, and Deco (not exactly known for being good in the air) headed home the opening goal. It was all Barca for a while after that, and I was starting to think things were going to end very badly for Liverpool. But they held out and sneaked one back just before halftime. Actually, it was gifted to them by Victor Valdes, who caught Bellamy's header but slipped and let his momentum carry it over the line. (Valdes was apparently in self-destructive mode, as he also picked up a back-pass later in the game.)

Having made it to halftime with the score level, Liverpool looked solid in the second half, stifling every Barcelona attack. Meanwhile, on one of their occasional forays forward, Liverpool scored again, with some poor defending allowing Bellamy to set up Riise for the winning goal. Rijkaard's substitutions, bringing on Iniesta and Giuly, didn't have the intended effect and instead just made the team look disjointed. There were a few moments at the end of the game to make me nervous, including a free kick from Deco that hit the post and Pepe flapping at a couple of crosses, but this was far from being the fluid Barcelona football we're used to seeing. You could say that they just weren't up to par. (HA HA I KILL ME.)


Inter Milan 2 - 2 Valencia
I watched this game with the Spanish commentary, because that's the only version that was on TV here, so I didn't understand a word of what they were saying, aside from the occasional "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!" And it was still miles more enjoyable than the morons from ESPN. For one thing, I didn't spend the whole match wincing every time they mispronounced a player's name or were befuddled by the formation.

Inter were the better team throughout most of the game, and they'll be kicking themselves for conceding those two goals -- especially the second one. Although Valencia started brightly, Inter had the first real chances, first with a clearance from Canizares careening off an attacking player and having to be cleared off the line, and then with another attempt hitting the post. They finally scored from a free kick, with Zlatan Ibrahimovic poking it goalwards and Esteban Cambiasso heading home the rebound. It looked to me like Cambiasso was offside when Ibrahimovic made contact, but although the goal stood, karma was served when he had to go off injured shortly thereafter, apparently from bashing his head on the post in the follow-through. Valencia equalized in the second half with a venomous free kick from David Villa that curled around the wall, but Inter kept up the pressure and went ahead again 10 minutes later. It wasn't enough, though, as they conceded again late in the game to leave Valencia with the advantage heading into the second leg.

Porto 1 - 1 Chelsea
Has somebody out there got a John Terry voodoo doll? Because he's just come back from injury, and he limped out of this game with a sprained ankle after only ten minutes. (I do feel bad for him, actually. Not for Chelsea at all, but I have a bit of sympathy for him. Just a bit. He looked like a kicked puppy on Wednesday.) Anyway, with Terry on the sidelines being treated, Porto rubbed salt into his wounds and took advantage of a poor clearance to score the opening goal. Jose Mourinho responded by putting on Arjen Robben, and the substitution had an immediate impact, as Robben set up Andriy Shevchenko for the equalizer. I seem to recall saying that without Robben, Chelsea's attack looks unbalanced; does this mean I can start calling myself the Special One? Robben had to come off with an injury at halftime, and Chelsea were unable to score again despite dominating possession. Still, they'll be happy to take this result back to Stamford Bridge. They'd be happier if they were taking a healthy John Terry back as well.

Roma 0 - 0 Lyon
Another draw. Woo. I see that Roma are still playing with their "Strikers? Who needs 'em?" lineup, which probably explains why there wasn't even a goal to enliven things.

Champions League Round of 16: Part 2

Second verse, same as the first: Wednesday's games.

Roma - Lyon
Wheeee, two teams I don't care about at all. That being said, I hope that Roma win, because Lyon annoy me for some undefinable reason. I think the French team will win, though, because Roma have been up and down this season, whereas Lyon are currently thrashing everybody else in Ligue 1 and can afford to divert some of their attention to European competition.

Barcelona - Liverpool
There's been a lot of infighting going on at the Nou Camp recently -- but at least none of the Barca players have been beating their teammates with golf clubs. That we know of. Aside from whatever the hell has been going on at their training camp in Portugal (which, frankly, I wonder how much it's been blown out of proportion by the media, but regardless it's idiotic behavious and it's the last thing they need right now), I think there are two main issues. First of all, obviously, is shutting down the Barcelona attack. Samuel Eto'o may not be 100% fit, but still the thought of Steve Finnan and a gimpy John Arne Riise up against Ronaldinho and Leo Messi is a bit terrifying. The other question is where the goals are going to come from for the Reds. They've put in some uninspiring displays against Everton and Newcastle recently, and I suspect they're going to miss Luis Garcia's uncanny ability to conjure up European goals out of nowhere. I really want to think that Liverpool can win, but I'm going to go with Barcelona, just so I can be pleasantly surprised if I'm wrong.

Porto - Chelsea
Chelsea are going to win this one, aren't they? Just so Jose Mourinho can go on being insufferable. Not that I'd really want to cheer for Porto either, since (a) the residual taint of Mourinho lingers and (b) I'm still mad at the whole country of Portugal after the World Cup. Anyway, Chelsea have got John Terry back now, which is apparently all they needed -- who cares that they're down to two centre-backs again, with Khalid Boulahrouz injured. Michael Ballack may be out as well, but I think that would actually help them, because it gives Mourinho a reason to start Arjen Robben and kickstart their attack, which has looked kind of aimless without any wingers. As for Andriy Shevchenko: well, he's doing great against teams from the Championship. So the Champions League should be no trouble at all, right?

Inter Milan - Valencia
Valencia may have topped their group easily, but I think Inter are going to knock them out here. Which sucks, because Inter are another of those teams that I inexplicably dislike (hey, football is all about irrational likes and dislikes, ok? I just go with it). The Nerazzurri are cruising at the top of Serie A right now, thanks partly to the aftermath of last year's scandal but largely due to their own unstoppable form -- they're currently on a record 16-game winning streak. Valencia are doing okay in La Liga, sitting in third place, but Inter are a steamroller.