Premiership Weekend Roundup: October 4-5

Manchester City 2-3 Liverpool
Oh, that was just gorgeous. Ok, not Liverpool going behind 2-0 by halftime, or Xabi Alonso practically having his ankle taken off by Zabaleta. (And seriously, what is it about him that encourages people into dangerous tackles?) But everything after that was great. And even before City were reduced to 10 men, Liverpool's second-half performance was light-years removed from the way they'd played before the break. It wasn't quite an Istanbul-style comeback, but a win like this is a hyge psychological boost. If they keep pulling off stuff like this, they just might have a chance at the title -- assuming, that is, that being considered favourites doesn't make them immediately collapse.

Blackburn 0-2 Manchester United
I said when United were trying to sign Dimitar Berbatov that I didn't think it was a good idea, because he's a lazy player. And he may indeed be lazy, but I don't care anymore, because he's turned out to be a fantastic addition to the team, not only scoring goals but creating opportunities for his teammates. The score was only 2-0 but it could've been more, even if Wes Brown hadn't scored the opening goal with the help of a foul on the keeper by Nemanja Vidic.

Sunderland 1-1 Arsenal
Sunderland held Arsenal off for 85 minutes before Grant Leadbitter gave them the lead, coming on as a substitute and scoring a beautiful goal with practically his first touch of the game. It wasn't enough to give them the victory, though, as Cesc Fabregas equalized in added time -- with a header, of all things. This is especially noteworthy since (a) Cesc is roughly as tall as I am, which is to say, not very, and (b) he doesn't even have poofy hair giving him a couple of extra inches anymore.

Chelsea 2-0 Aston Villa
With Drogba injured and Anelka not 100%, apparently Chelsea are copying the "who needs strikers" strategy that Man United pioneered last season. That's nice for them. I was attempting to study for an economics quiz, so I wasn't paying much attention, apart from noting that John Terry doesn't really need to hike his shorts up that much. I'm just saying.

Other results
West Brom 1-0 Fulham
Wigan 0-1 Middlesbrough
West Ham 1-3 Bolton
Tottenham 0-1 Hull
Portsmouth 2-1 Stoke
Everton 2-2 Newcastle

Holy crap, I just realized that Hull are in third place. Hull.

Like sands through the hour-glass

Chelsea have become quite the soap opera, haven't they? First they sack Avram Grant, about 10 minutes after he came within a few inches of winning the Champions League. They promise -- cross our hearts and hope to die -- not to sack his assistant Henk Ten Cate, and then, less than a week later, they go ahead and do it anyway. So much for those rumours about Frank Rijkaard coming to Stamford Bride, eh?

Actually, what with the possibility that it'll be the recently fired Roberto Mancini taking over, while Jose Mourinho replaces him at Inter, it's a turning into a love quadrangle worthy of Days of Our Lives. I can just picture Roman Abramovich in the role of Stefano DiMera.

All we need now is for Zlatan Ibrahimovic to be possessed by the devil, Shawn Wright-Phillips to go off to a magical Swiss boarding school and come back 5 years older and 6 inches taller, and Marco Materazzi to be revealed as John Terry's long-lost evil twin.

Champions League Final

Manchester United 1-1 Chelsea (United win 6-5 on penalties)

That was awesome. It had a little something for everyone: good football, bad football, great shots, great saves, near misses, injuries, diving, whining, handbags, a red card, tears, drama, controversy, penalties... and in the end, the right team won.

I think the two teams were pretty well matched over the 120 minutes. Normally I hate penalty shootouts (and my stomach was tied up in knots watching this one), but they could have played for another three days and still not had a winner. This wasn't a case of one team desperately hanging on through extra team and hoping for some good luck; both sides were really going for it.

United definitely had the better of the first half, although it was even at 1-1 by halftime. Sir Alex surprised just about everybody by starting with an old-school 4-4-2, with Owen Hargreaves on the right of midfield (I was yelling at the TV, convinced that ESPN had fucked up their graphics once again). It turned out to be a good decision, as Hargreaves was involved in most of United's best chances, and I think Ashley Cole may have underestimated him and was giving him too much space. On the other wing, Cristiano Ronaldo was terrorizing Michael Essien and demonstrating that he's not really supposed to be a defender. And it was Ronaldo who scored the opening goal, after good work from Paul Scholes and a pinpoint cross from Wes Brown, with a solid header that left Essien flat-footd.

Chelsea almost equalized a few minutes later, with some equally bad defending from United as Rio Ferdinand was bullied by Michael Ballack and almost headed the ball into his own net only for Edwin van der Sar to tip it over. But United were generally dominating the play, and they had another great chance to score, Wayne Rooney winning the ball after a Chelsea corner and sending a cross-field pass to Ronaldo, who picked out Carlos Tevez in the box. Petr Cech made a great save from Tevez's header, and another immediately after on a hard shot from Michael Carrick, who'd picked up the rebound. Tevez missed another chance shortly after, sliding in and just failing to connect with Rooney's cross. (Maybe next year Fergie will buy a striker who's more than 5'6".)

United were hoping to go into halftime with their lead intact (and, in fact, should have been up by two or three goals), but couldn't hold out. Chelsea came close with a free kick from Ballack, after Ferdinand had fouled Frank Lampard right on the edge of the box. And then they equalized just before the break, as Essien picked up the ball about 30 yards out; his shot deflected off a couple players and fell right to Frank Lampard, with van der Sar slipping on the shitty turf and Ferdinand scrambling to make up group. Damn it.

You'd think the goal would've made the Chelsea players a bit happier, but they followed up the goal with a terrible tackle on Ronaldo by Ricardo Carvalho -- and then half the team bitching about it when he was rightly booked. Claude Makelele was still arguing with the referee as they left the field, which was particularly stupid since he'd already been booked for a clash with Paul Scholes earlier in the first half. They're a charming bunch of players, really. I suppose their captain leads by example.

With the boost from their goal, Chelsea took more control in the second half. The game got increasingly niggly, with lots of fouls from both teams, and whining about just about every call (mostly from Chelsea, and especially from Joe Cole, who didn't make any other notable contributions to the match). Chelsea's fullbacks were pushing forward more, neutralizing United's tactics from the first half, and I think Ferguson should've reacted more quickly to change things up. Scholes was dropping deeper and seemed to be fading a bit (possibly because he still had a bloody nose from colliding with Makelele in the first half), and players were going down with cramp all over the place. But it wasn't until the 85th minute that United made their first substitution, replacing Scholes with Ryan Giggs for his record 759th appearance.

Anyway, into extra time we go, with Salomon Kalou coming on for Florent Malouda. (You notice how I haven't mentioned Malouda yet? Yeah. That's because he was kind of mediocre, Tommy Smyth's idiotic commentary on ESPN to the contrary.) Both teams had chances to win it in the first half of extra-time: First Lampard's shot careened off the crossbar, and Joe Cole fired over from the rebound. Then Giggs had a great chance for United, as Patrice Evra squirmed through the defence and set him up perfectly only for John Terry to head the shot clear. Nicolas Anelka came on for big sucky baby Joe Cole (and, it turns out, outdid him in being petulant), while Nani replaced a not-very-happy-about-it Wayne Rooney.

In the second half of extra time, the main incident, aside from still more players collapsing with cramp thanks to playing almost two hours of football on a pitch that kept shifting around on them, was a ridiculous bout of handbags between just about every player from both teams. It all started when Carlos Tevez -- who worked his tail off all game but to very little ultimate effect -- didn't play the ball back to Petr Cech after it had been put out of play for an injury. (This was, I think, when Ashley Cole was sitting on the ground flapping his thighs like some kind of demented butterfly.) It ended with Tevez and Ballack booked, Drogba red-carded for smacking Vidic in the face, and John Terry possibly spitting on Tevez as the rumble broke up. For the record, I don't think Terry spit on Tevez, I do think he's an asshole, but Drogba is an even bigger one for losing it, being sent off, and leaving his team in the lurch in a massive game. (Zinedine Zidane is a role model in many ways, but this is not one of them.)

There were only a few minutes left at that point, and United weren't able to take advantage of their extra man to score, so penalties it was. I was too afraid to make an official prediction before the game, just in case I jinxed it, but if I had, it would've been this: 1-1 after extra time, United to win on penalties. I probably wouldn't have predicted the way the penalties went, though. After all the penalties Ronaldo's scored this season, you wouldn't have expected him to miss, would you? I mean, yeah, there was that one against Barcelona, but he couldn't be stupid enough to do that twice, could he? Oh. See, THIS is why you don't mess around with the way you take penalties. Get Hargreaves to show you sometime; those Germans taught him properly. Ronaldo looked wrecked after Cech saved his shot -- and so he should have; waiting for the keeper to dive one way is useless work when the keeper knows you do that and won't move. Just hit it hard and put it in the corner.

All the other players had scored theirs, so Ronaldo's miss meant that John Terry could win the whole shebang when he stepped up to take the fifth penalty. (Apparently, if Drogba had still been on the field, he was supposed to take it, but I wonder if Terry would've taken one anyway, instead of, say Ashley Cole.) So here he is: Mr. Chelsea, England's Brave John Terry, scores a lot for a defender, blah blah blah, and he...misses. Doesn't get his foot planted properly, slips over on his arse and sends the ball wide. And I laughed. Oh, how I laughed. I did feel a teensy bit bad for him later on, seeing how devastated he was, but at the time, seeing him blubbering like a little baby, it was all schadenfreude.

After that you just knew that United were going to win it. And indeed, van der Sar saved Anelka's shot -- not particularly well struck; you could almost tell that he didn't really care -- and United were champions of Europe. Meaning, incidentally, that Ryan Giggs had scored the winning penalty. It was almost poetic.

I still can't believe they really did it. But they did, and I think they deserved it, too. Not just for the memories of 1958, or 1968 -- although that just makes it even better -- but for the way they played all season. Fearlessly dominant when they were on their game, and stubbornly determined when they weren't, they have been the class of the field. Glory, glory Man United.

Champions League Final Preview

And so it has come to this. Two behemoths, bashing at each other for 90 (or, more likely, 120) minutes in a struggle for dominance. I saw Iron Man over the weekend, and I think it's going to be sort of like that, except without Robert Downey Jr.'s leaven of sarcasm. Unfortunately.

Key clashes

• Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Ashley Cole: Claude Makelele did his best to help United by taking out Cole in practice today, but I'm sure he's still going to play tomorrow. And although Cashley is a jackhole of the first order, he's generally done a good job of shackling Ronaldo. For Ronniecakes, this is his chance to shake off that "big-game bottler" tag once and for all and justify the hype. Well, it's not hype exactly, because he is a staggeringly good player, but if he wants to be named the best player in the world, winning the Champions League is a good way to do it. Take a lesson from Jesus-boy over in Milan.
  
  
• Didier Drogba vs. Vidic, Ferdinand and the power of gravity: Vidic is only recently back from injury, after Drogba (accidentally) kneed him in the face, which could be a weakness, but I think United has the best pair of centre-backs anywhere right now. Drogba is also one of the toughest strikers to defend against, when he's on his game -- as Rafa Benitez learned to his peril a couple weeks ago -- so it could depend on just how focused he is on winning, rather than falling over, bitching at the ref, and handing in a transfer request.
  
  
• United's midfield brains vs. Chelsea's midfield brawn: Okay, that's a bit simplistic. But it's an easy way to summarize: Scholes and Carrick versus Lampard and Ballack. I suspect both teams will be playing a 4-3-3/4-5-1, so it could be pretty congested in midfield, and gaining control there will be essential. United will be hoping that Scholes has one of his good days (fortunately, he'll have Owen Hargreaves there to do the tackling) and justifies Sir Alex's faith in him. For Chelsea, I think Michael Ballack could be the key player; he's stepped up for them a lot recently, and he just strikes me as being a big-game player, somehow.
  
  
• United's fluid attack vs. Chelsea's patched-up defence: I really wish that people would stop eulogizing John Terry for how tough he supposedly is. For a Champions League final, okay, I can understand wanting to play no matter what, dislocated be damned, but in general, if you're not 100% fit, you just risk hurting yourself more and could be a liability to your team. Let's see what happens when he takes the first hit tomorrow. And he doesn't have much pace to begin with -- whereas one of United's greatest assets this season has been their mobility; not just speed, but the way that their attackers almost never stand still. This kind of makes it sound like I think United have the edge here, and maybe they do, but I've also seen far too many games where they cannot seem to buy a goal, so who knows.

Selection dilemmas

• United: Rooney, Ronaldo and...who else? I expect that Sir Alex will go with their usual European formation and just one up front, rather than two out-and-out strikers. In that case, he could move Rooney over to the left wing and have Tevez lead the line, but I feel like that waste's Rooney's talents. And whoever plays there is probably going to be tracking back a lot to cover Michael Essien's runs from right-back. For that reason, I think it'll be Rooney up front and Ji-Sung Park on the left, with Ryan Giggs on the bench to act as a super-sub.
  
  Predicted team: Van der Sar; Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra; Ronaldo, Carrick, Scholes, Hargreaves, Park; Rooney
  
  
• Chelsea: Will it be Essien at right-back? It's not really a dilemma, actually, because playing Essien there solves two problems: (1) Fitting him in the team along with Lampard, Ballack and Makelele; and (2) Covering the fact that their supposed right-backs are kind of crap. I suppose Avram Grant also has to decide who to play on the opposite wing from Joe Cole -- presumably either Malouda or Kalou -- but I don't think it matters all that much. (Whereas for United, choosing between Rooney, Tevez, Giggs and Park could make a big difference in the way they play.)
  
  Predicted team: Cech; Essien, Carvalho, Terry, A. Cole; Lampard, Makelele, Ballack; J. Cole, Drogba, Kalou

The psychological battle
Both managers have a lot of pressure on them to win, but for Ferguson it's largely self-imposed, whereas for Avram Grant, it's external pressure -- lose this game and you lose your job. The ironic bit is that he'll get the blame if they lose, but likely not the credit if they win. Chelsea's starting XI does basically pick itself, but Grant still has to lay out the strategy (and hope the players listen to him) and decide on the substitutions. I still haven't figured out if he's a good manager or not.

Sir Alex, on the other hand, already has a pretty good CV, but this is his chance to make it look even better. He's not satisfied with just the one Champions League win -- and he knows that he got his tactics wrong and got lucky in 1999, and he'll want to make for that here (and yet avoid second-guessing himself). On top of that, there's the sentimental impetus of this being the 50th anniversary of the Munich disaster and the 40th anniversary of United's first European Cup.

How will all this translate to the players? Although the United players may be feeling the weight of history, I think they'll forget that as soon as they step out on the pitch. They've already won the league, which probably means a bit less pressure, but that could actually work to their advantage by freeing them up to play their game. Chelsea will be looking for revenge after finishing behind United in the Premiership two years in a row, but they'll be playing for themselves -- not for the manager, or, for the most part, the club.

And finally, a question for the neutrals: Who are you cheering for tomorrow? Is one side slightly less evil than the other? Or are you just hoping for a sinkhole to engulf the Luzhniki?

Premiership Weekend Roundup: May 11

CAMPIONE, CAMPIONE, OLE OLE OLE...

Wigan 0-2 Manchester United
You couldn't have scripted it any better, in the end. Cristiano Ronaldo, the player of the year by about a gazillion miles, scores the first and ultimately winning goal, and then Ryan Giggs -- making his 758th appearance for United and matching Bobby Charlton's record -- makes the win secure with a late second goal. And goes on to lift the Premiership trophy for the second year in a row (not to mention the 10th time in his career).

There were, alas, some rather questionable refereeing decisions along the way: a penalty not given to Wigan for a possible handball by Rio Ferdinand, Paul Scholes staying on the pitch when he could -- and probably should -- have been sent off for cross-checking Wilson Palacios. But the bad decisions weren't all in favour of United, as they could have had a second penalty awarded after Scholes was tripped in the box. So, yeah, Steve Bennett is incompetent, but somehow I think that United would have contrived to win the game regardless.

They certainly didn't make it easy on themselves; or rather, Wigan didn't make it easy for them. The Latics can be proud of the fight they put up, and Chris Kirkland pulled off several good saves to keep the score down. United took the lead after half an hour, a clear-cut penalty for a foul on Wayne Rooney, which Ronaldo coolly dispatched. But it got more and more nerve-wracking as the game went on and they still had only a one-goal advantage. It wasn't until the 80th minute that they could relax, as Rooney split the defence with a simple through ball to Giggs -- I think it was the hapless Titus Bramble playing Giggs onside, actually -- and he slotted it past Kirkland. (I did a little dance in my living room. This is why it's better that I watch the games by myself.)

Chelsea, meanwhile, ended up with a draw at Bolton and finished two points behind United, which means that their goal difference was a moot point, and we can forget Avram Grant's suggestion the title should be decided with a play-off instead (although just for the record, United beat them 3-2 on aggregate this season). Of course I'm going to say this because I'm a United fan, but it seems to me like goal difference is a pretty good way to decide between two teams. It sums up their season -- and in United's case, they both scored the highest number of goals and conceded the least. No question that they deserved the title. Chelsea will have their chance for revenge in Moscow next week, but in the meantime: SUCK IT.

Also: No love for The Score, who had some kind of fuck-up with the satellite feed from Wigan that meant we missed almost the whole first half. They claimed that whatever the problem was, it wasn't their fault, but I'm not really inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt. Nobody should have to listen to Brian Budd blather on for an extra 40 minutes; it's just cruel.


Other results
Birmingham 4-1 Blackburn
Chelsea 1-1 Bolton
Derby 0-4 Reading
Everton 3-1 Newcastle
Middlesbrough 8-1 Manchester City
Portsmouth 0-1 Fulham
Sunderland 0-1 Arsenal
Tottenham 0-2 Liverpool
West Ham 2-2 Aston Villa

• Chelsea started their game against Bolton with a makeshift back line, and it got worse when John Terry was injured after just 10 minutes, dislocating his elbow in a collision with Petr Cech (you'd think he would have seen Cech coming, in that retina-scalding orange kit; it makes him look like a giant traffic cone). And their day got worse when news filtered through from Wigan that Manchester United were winning. A goal from substitute Andriy Shevchenko in the second half gave them some hope, but they were deflated by United's second goal against Wigan, and Bolton's stoppage-time equalizer finished them off.
  
  
• All three teams caught in the relegation battle won (I'm discounting Derby, since they were already doomed), and Birmingham and Reading scored four goals apiece. But it was a futile effort, as Fulham capped an amazing recovery with a late winner from Danny Murphy against Portsmouth to earn their survival. That means Reading were relegated based on goal difference, while Birmingham finished just one point behind and were also sent down.
  
  
• Everton guaranteed their spot in the UEFA Cup next year with a win over Newcastle, while Aston Villa will have to settle for the Intertoto Cup after drawing with West Ham.
  
  
• Liverpool cruised to a comfortable win against Tottenham in a game that was notable only for Fernando Torres's 24th league goal, which is a record for a foreign player in his first Premiership season.
  
  
• In another meaningless game, Theo Walcott scored Arsenal's only goal in their victory over Sunderland, as a season that started with so much promise ends without a trophy for the Gunners.
  
  
• Middlesbrough versus Man City should have been forgettable as well, but that changed when Richard Dunne was sent off after 15 minutes. Stewart Downing scored the resulting penalty (his first of two goals), and City totally fell apart. Boro scored a mind-boggling eight goals, which I think it would take them about three months to do normally, including a hat-trick for Afonso Alves. I think the City players may have decided to go on strike early rather than waiting for that trip to Thailand.

Champions League Semi-Final: Chelsea 3-2 Liverpool (aet; 4-3 agg)

I feel compelled to point out that if it hadn't been for John Arne Riise's own-goal in the first leg, Liverpool would have gone through on away goals after this result. But on the other hand, I do realize that if it hadn't been for that goal, Chelsea would have reacted more strongly after Liverpool scored here, and it would have been a totally different game.

Liverpool-Chelsea matches tend to be brain-meltingly dull, but this one was the exception. The first 90 minutes were nothing out of the ordinary, but extra time more than made up for it. Chelsea started out better, although it was Liverpool with the first real chance on goal, Steven Gerrard sliding the ball through to Fernando Torres, who took an extra touch that gave Petr Cech time to come out and smother the shot. Chelsea also had a couple early shots, sent just wide of the Liverpool goal, with the ball skidding on the wet turf -- not an easy night to be a goalkeeper.

I think Rafa's pre-game comments about Drogba and his propensity for falling over may have backfired, because he was obviously determined to prove Benitez wrong, and -- although you might not give up as many free kicks -- he's much more dangerous when he stays on his feet and fights for the ball. Drogba went shoulder to shoulder with Skrtel early on and injured him in the process. He had to be replaced by Sami Hyypia not long after, and although Sami's not a bad replacement, it meant Liverpool had to play a deeper line and give Chelsea more space in midfield. (I think it may be a sekrit Chelsea strategy, actually: Get Drogba to take out one of the opposing centre-backs early on, like with Nemanja Vidic last weekend.)

And of course it was Drogba who scored the opening goal for Chelsea. Frank Lampard fed the ball through the defenders to Salomon Kalou -- as Arbeloa slipped on the wet pitch -- and his shot was saved by Pepe Reina, but only parried right to Drogba, who beat Reina at the near post as he scrambled to recover. And then Drogba ran over to celebrate right in front of the Liverpool bench, because he's klassy like that.

The goal was a blow, but it didn't really change much for Liverpool, because they still needed to score just to survive to extra time. They got more into the game as the first half went on, and they came out strongly after halftime. Steven Gerrard still wasn't seeing as much of the ball as I would've liked -- as in the first leg, Makelele was sticking to him like glue -- but he started dropping deeper and having more of an impact on the game. Then, after just over an hour, it was Yossi Benayoun -- a surprise inclusion in place of Ryan Babel -- who set up the equalizer for Liverpool, deking out a couple of defenders and playing Torres in on goal. Torres didn't hesitate this time, finishing beautifully to tie the game.

So then of course you figure it's going to go to extra time and then the inevitable penalties, right? Liverpool were still pushing forward, looking for a second goal that would send them through, but I think they would've been quite content to win it in a penalty shoot-out. Chelsea put a bit more pressure on Liverpool in the last 15 minutes, but for whatever reason they didn't really look like they cared about winning in regular time.

Anyway, into extra time we go. Hold your breath. Almost immediately, Michael Essien scored for Chelsea from a corner, but it was disallowed because Drogba was offside (along with a handful of other players) and standing right in front of Reina, blocking his view, which apparently counts as interfering with play this week even though it didn't when Birmingham did the exact same thing a little while back. Anyway, it might've been a controversial decision, if not for the fact that Chelsea was awarded a penalty just a couple minutes later, after Hyypia tripped Michael Ballack in the box. Frank Lampard stepped up to take it, and scored, sending Reina the wrong way -- and I can't even make fun of his über-emotional goal celebration today because his mum's just died. (Actually, I will be magnanimous and admit that he had a pretty good game. Bah.)

I was still clinging to hope at this point, because Liverpool had almost 25 minutes to score again, and that would send them through on away goals. Some of that hope died, though, when I saw that Rafa had taken off Torres and replaced him with Ryan Babel. Not that I have anything against Babel, but why would you take off your top scorer when you desperately need a goal? (Apparently he was injured, but I don't know. Take the risk for 20 minutes; it's not like you'll need him for your last two league games.) Also, how shafted must Peter Crouch have felt? I think the early substitution of Skrtel kind of forced Rafa's hand, but I can't help questioning his decisions a bit.

Anyway, Babel made an immediate impact, as he was taken down in the Chelsea box, Essien just barely got a touch on the ball and there was no penalty. Instead it was Chelsea who scored again, just before the end of the first half of extra-time. Nicolas Anelka dinked into the six-yard box -- with Riise stood there appealing for offside, like, PLAY THE WHISTLE, YOU MORON -- and squared the ball for Drogba, who put it away despite being surrounded by Liverpool defenders at the time.

With 15 minutes left, there was time for Liverpool to produce another miraculous comeback, and they probably should have had a penalty of their own, when Hyypia was tripped in the box by Drogba -- no touch on the ball this time, but no penalty either. Ryan Babel did score, just a minute later, with a well-struck shot from all of 35 yards out -- which Cech probably should've saved, especially since he got his hands to it, but we'll take that, thank you very much. In the end they just ran out of time, and despite throwing everything they had at Chelsea, they couldn't find another goal. They did manage to score -- not once but twice -- at Stamford Bridge, which is more than they'd previously done under Rafa, but nevertheless it wasn't enough. I could barely watch the post-game stuff because all the Liverpool players just looked so gutted. Football sucks sometimes.

By the way, I don't give a shit about the debate over whether Avram Grant is getting the credit he deserves as a manager, or whether Roman Abramovich is bored with his toy and likely to sell the club. I just fucking hate Chelsea. That's all.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: March 26-27

Chelsea 2-1 Manchester United
So, it looks like the title race is going to go down to the wire. Chelsea are now level with Manchester United on points, after beating them on Saturday. But United's destiny is still in their own hands, thanks to their stupendous goal difference; as long as they win their last two games, against West Ham and Wigan, they'll win the Premiership. I don't really like that it's still so close, but think that United will do it now that they know there's no margin for error.

Actually, I think that was part of the problem with this game: Chelsea knew they had to win, whereas United were just playing for the draw, and it backfired on them. You'd think Sir Alex would have learned by now that United are much better when they play to win, but apparently not. How else do you explain a midfield of Nani, Park, Giggs, Carrick and Fletcher? Sure, let's leave the team's top goal-scorer and the PFA player of the year on the bench, why not? It's not as if this was an important game or anything. Oh, wait.

Anyway, Chelsea were definitely the stronger team in the first half. It didn't help that United lost Vidic to injury in the first 15 minutes, after he got kneed in the face by Drogba and busted up his lip. Hargreaves came on at right-back and Wes Brown moved into the centre, and I don't know if it was because of the defensive shake-up or not, but there was absolutely nobody marking Ballack when he drifted into the box to score from a header just before halftime. Seriously, y'all, he's a big guy, he's hard to miss.

United equalized early in the second half, as Wayne Rooney latched onto a boneheaded back-pass from Carvalho and slotted it past Petr Cech (despite the fact that he'd been limping around clutching his hip just a moment before), and it looked like they were starting to get into the game a bit more. But the lineup wasn't quite clicking -- it didn't help that Nani made the exact wrong decision every single time he got the ball -- and it was Chelsea who ended up with the winning goal, when they were awarded a penalty in the 84th minute for a supposed handball.

Now, I've only seen one version of the replay -- maybe from another angle it would be more obvious -- but from what I saw, it was really hard to tell if the ball actually hit Carrick's arm or not. From his reaction -- he looked totally stunned when they gave the penalty -- I didn't think it was handball, and even if the ball did hit his arm, it was down at his side at the time, certainly not being moved deliberately to block the shot. So I think it was a questionable call at best. Regardless, Ballack stepped up to coolly take the penalty, and thus destroyed any goodwill I might have had for him after his little spat with Drogba.

United had a couple of chances to equalize again late in the game, but they were both cleared off the line, the first by Ashley Cole, the second by Andriy Shevchenko -- possibly the most useful thing he's done all year, unless you count batting his eyelashes at Milan as useful, which I do not. So it was all to no avail, and the United players apparently took out their frustration by screaming at the officials and getting booked (Hargreaves), kicking a steward (Ferdinand; way to go on demonstrating your maturity to Capello, Rio), and getting into a fight with the Chelsea groundskeepers (Evra & co.).

Who says Chelsea v United is always a boring game?


Birmingham 2-2 Liverpool
Just like against Fulham last week, Liverpool fielded an understrength team ahead of their Champions League semi-final. You would have expected some of these fringe players to step up their game and try to prove that they deserve a spot in the starting lineup against Chelsea -- or not to be shipped out in the summer. And yet most of them played as if they just couldn't be arsed, as Birmingham took a 2-0 lead with one goal in each half. Jermaine Pennant was one of the few Liverpool players who came away with much credit, sparking their comeback in the last half-hour with a great run past three defenders to set up Peter Crouch for their first goal. Yossi Benayoun tied things up with a deflected header, as Birmingham threw away their lead and remain in the relegation zone, while the point for Liverpool guarantees them fourth place. So, job done, I guess.


Other results
Everton 2-2 Aston Villa
Manchester City 2-3 Fulham
Portsmouth 0-1 Blackburn
Sunderland 3-2 Middlesbrough
Tottenham 1-1 Bolton
West Ham 2-2 Newcastle
Wigan 0-0 Reading

• Fighting for a spot in the UEFA Cup, Everton and Villa played out a scoreless first half, before Everton took the lead through Phil Neville's deflected goal in the 56th minute. And then the game exploded late in the second half, with three goals in six minutes as Villa equalized twice -- but they still trail Everton by three points in the table.
  
• Fulham came back from 2-0 down in the last half-hour of their game, squeezing out a victory in extra time to give them a tiny glimmer of hope that they'll survive this season.
  
• Sunderland also scored an injury-time winner, which guarantees their spot in the Premiership for next year. Roy Keane may even have cracked a smile.
  
• West Ham and Newcastle played out an entirely meaningless game that showcased both teams' attacking talent and simultaneous defensive ineptitude -- which bodes well for their meetings with Man Utd and Chelsea next weekend.

Champions League Semi-Finals - First Leg

Liverpool 1-1 Chelsea
Gah. Liverpool were so close. Agonizingly close. Maybe 10 seconds away from winning the game when John Arne Riise had a massive brain-fart and put the ball into his own net (I believe in technical terms this is known as "pulling a Djimi Traore"), gifting Chelsea a thoroughly undeserved equalizer.

What makes it worse is that things had been going pretty well up to that point. Chelsea started the game more strongly, but Liverpool stayed organized at the back and got into the match gradually. They were the better team from about the 30-minute mark onward, starting with a great chance for Fernando Torres when Steven Gerrard played him in on goal, only to take one touch too many and scuff his shot.

The increased Liverpool pressure paid off just before halftime, as Xabi Alonso took a quick free kick, releasing Dirk Kuyt down the wing with the Chelsea defenders switched off. The ball pinged around and eventually fell to Javier Mascherano, whose attempted shot ballooned up over Claude Makelele's attempted interception and fell to Kuyt, who slotted it past Petr Cech.

The goal also highlighted the main difference between the teams, which is that Liverpool's midfield was bossing the play; I thought that Xabi was especially good, whereas on the other side, Frank Lampard was clearly off his game (understandably so, since his mother was deathly ill, and in fact has just died). That continued in the second half, too, with Chelsea reduced to just hoofing the ball up to Didier Drogba and waiting for him to fall down. The annoying thing was that Drogba got most of the calls in his favour, whereas Torres was fouled constantly and got nothing.

The key moment may have been with half an hour left, when Fabio Aurelio went down with a groin injury and had to be substituted. Meanwhile, Chelsea brought on Salomon Kalou in place of Joe Cole, and it was Kalou who provided the cross that led to their goal. They started to put more pressure on Liverpool from about 75 minutes on, although Liverpool still had chances to put the game away, including a great shot from Gerrard in the 84th minute, which Petr Cech just tipped over the top corner, and a point-blank shot from Torres in stoppage time. (Cech made some good saves, but Torres wasn't quite on; 90% of the time he'd have put at least one of those away.)

And then, in the fifth minute of extra time, disaster: A cross from the left wing, Nicolas Anelka coming in at the back post, a misguided attempt at a clearance, and the ball is headed into the Liverpool net. RIISE, YOU BRAINLESS GINGER BUFFOON. THIS IS WHY FOOTBALLERS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE TWO FEET. I mean, he practically had to get down on his knees to reach the ball; just use your right leg, for fuck's sake. It was an absolutely devastating way to end the game: a massive boost for Chelsea, and demoralizing for Liverpool.

They went from a one-goal lead and a vital clean sheet to a draw, which means that now they need to score (possibly more than once) at Stamford Bridge, which is something they've never done before under Rafa Benitez. But looking on the bright side, Liverpool were certainly the better team here, and there's no reason why they can't reproduce that next week. (Riise's undoubtedly going to be the scapegoat if they do get eliminated, but to be fair I should point out that Liverpool also really should've scored more than just the one goal.) Plus, Chelsea are now the favourites, and Liverpool do seem to like being the underdogs. They tend to pull out their best performances when they've got their backs up against the wall.


Barcelona 0-0 Manchester United
CRISTIANO RONALDO, YOU OVER-GELLED GOOBER. YOU DON'T CHANGE YOUR PENALTY TECHNIQUE IN A CHAMPIONS LEAGUE SEMI-FINAL. HAVE ALL THE HAIR PRODUCTS ROTTED YOUR BRAIN?

Ahem. Sorry, I am yelly this week. But it's incredibly frustrating to see a chance like that thrown away. Manchester United get awarded a penalty right at the beginning of the game, after a handball in the box, and rather than firing the ball low and hard into the side netting like he's been doing all season, Ronaldo decides to try and chip it into the top corner -- and instead sends it wide. I believe this is a lesson in the dangers of over-confidence (not that I really expect it to have much impact on Ronniecakes' phenomenal arrogance, but anyway).

And that ended up being one of the few goal-scoring chances that United had all game. Barcelona pulled their heads out of their asses for this game and decided to actually play like they cared. They thoroughly dominated the game -- it was almost like they were playing keep-away with United -- but despite all their possession and shots on goal, Barca lacked much of a cutting edge; Edwin van der Sar barely had any real saves to make.

United played like...well, like Liverpool, actually, with just about everybody back behind the ball defending. You'd think a lineup that included all three of Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez would have been more attacking, but Rooney was basically playing as a midfielder, and in fact I think Ronaldo and Tevez were too. I wonder what difference it would have made if Ronaldo had scored that penalty: if United would have been even more paranoid and defensive, or if they would have taken confidence from that and gone forward more. (Of course, this would depend on them actually being able to get the ball away from Leo Messi & co.)

I think Nemanja Vidic's absence also had an impact on their strategy, because it meant Wes Brown shifting to centre-back and Owen Hargreaves to right-back, which both weakened the defence a bit and also deprived them of a real ball-winner in midfield. Anyway, this one is finely balanced going into the second leg, although United just about have the edge, thanks to that clean sheet, although Ronaldo should still be kicking himself over that penalty miss. (Actually, United should've had a second penalty, for a foul on Ronaldo by Rafa Marquez, but they were never going to get it. And Barcelona could have had one as well, after Rio Ferdinand brought down Samuel Eto'o.) Anyway, I am just hoping that next week's game is a bit more interesting, because really, who would have thought that Liverpool v. Chelsea would be the more exciting match-up?


Finally: Thumbs down to the ESPN half-time and post-game analysis. Which is basically four guys in a studio, with not enough time to really say anything, and nothing insightful to say even if they did have time. (Shaka Hyslop is just as bland as his Guardian columns. And Tommy Smyth? Bothers me even more when I have to look at his smarmy little face.)

Random Friday news

• I'm off to the home opener for Toronto FC tomorrow afternoon. Toronto are coming off a somewhat surprising 3-2 victory over the LA Galaxy, thanks to a late goal from Jeff Cunningham. (Which reminds me, I really ought to track down the highlights from that game, just so that I can laugh at Landon Donovan.) They face Real Salt Lake, whose last game was a 4-0 win again last year's champions DC United. I have no idea what their chances are, really, but it's supposed to be a warm, sunny afternoon down by the lake, so I don't much care.
  
  
• The Canadian women's team is going to the Olympics for the first time ever, after finishing second in the CONCACAF qualifying tournament last weekend. Canada beat Mexico 1-0 in the semi-finals to guarantee their spot in China this summer, and followed that up with a relatively meaningless 1-1 draw against the USA in the final, eventually losing 6-5 on penalties. The two teams will have a rematch next month in a friendly at RFK Stadium in Washington, DC.
  
  
• I suppose the title race in the Premiership is back on again -- they seem to change their minds on this every few days -- after Chelsea beat Everton 1-0 yesterday, leaving them just two points behind Manchester United. But they've also played one game more, and the draw with Wigan on Monday kind of took their legs out from under them (I have never liked Emile Heskey as much as I did then). Also, Avram Grant appears to be having some sort of meltdown.
  
  
• I continue to be irritated and slightly befuddled by the soap opera at Liverpool, but as far as I can tell it's boiled down to Hicks + Rafa versus Gillett + Parry. And I think what they should do to settle this whole thing is some WWF-style tag team wrestling. They could sell tickets, and the TV rights, and maybe even earn enough money to buy Fernando Torres for real.
  
  
• Finally, there's an interesting discussion over on Pitch Invasion about football fandom and gender. I half wanted to get involved, but I think first I have to brush up on my notes from my anthropological theory class. Anyway, check go it out.

Champions League Quarter-finals

Liverpool 4-2 Arsenal (5-3 agg)
Wow. That was a hell of a game.

Rafa surprised everyone by switching things up and giving Peter Crouch a start alongside Fernando Torres, with Ryan Babel left on the bench. Crouch certainly deserved a chance after his performance against Arsenal last weekend, and he combined with Torres for Liverpool's second goal, but even so I wonder if it was a mistake to change from the formation that they were used to and that had been working so well. With Steven Gerrard nominally on the left, it meant that they had one fewer player in centre midfield, which is always dangerous against a team like Arsenal that can pass around you, and certainly for the first half-hour Liverpool were being overrun.

Emmanuel Adebayor was giving the defence problems from the start -- although fortunately he kept being flagged offside -- but it was Abou Diaby who scored the opening goal, beating Pepe Reina at the near post. Up front for Liverpool, Torres wasn't seeing much of the ball, and it took a set piece for them to equalize, as Sami Hyypia broke away from Philippe Senderos at a corner to power in a header. The goal seemed to give Liverpool confidence, and they started to get more of a grip on the game -- helped by Mathieu Flamini being forced off with an injury just before halftime.

They were much stronger at the start of the second half than they were in the first, and eventually went ahead with an utterly fantastic goal from Torres -- a long ball forward from Reina, flicked on by Crouch to Torres, who spun around and fired it into the far corner as the hapless Senderos strugged to keep up. With 20 minutes left, Arsenal brought on Theo Walcott and Robin van Persie, flinging everything at Liverpool in an attempt to survive. It was Walcott who created their second goal, bringing the ball forward from deep in his own half and dodging four Liverpool players before setting up Adebayor in the 84th minute.

But they barely had time to savour the goal when Liverpool scored again. Ryan Babel, who'd looked lively since he came on as a substitute for Crouch, was pulled down in the box by Kolo Toure for a penalty, and Gerrard coolly stepped up to smash it past Manuel Almunia. The tie may have come down to a tale of two penalties -- the one given to Liverpool here, and the one not given to Arsenal last week -- and I have to admit that both incidents looked pretty similar to me. But Babel made it all moot with a fourth goal in stoppage time, racing onto a clearance from Dirk Kuyt and outmuscling Cesc Fabregas (who was carefully stubbled, just to remind everybody that he's a big boy now) to put the game away.

So-called football purists will lament the fact that Arsenal and their beautiful football are out of the competition now, but ultimately I do not give a damn. Beautiful football is meaningless if you don't have the balls to win games, and I will take Steven Gerrard and his magnificent hairy thighs over Arsene's boy-toys any day. And now we get yet another Liverpool-Chelsea semi-final, which even I am not going to pretend is likely to be a scintillating match-up. Although there is always the opportunity to make John Terry cry.


United 1-0 Roma (3-0 agg)
Sir Alex might have claimed not to be taking anything for granted ahead of this game, but the fact that Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney started on the bench tells you everything you need to know about the relative importance of Roma versus Arsenal this weekend. Even without those two players, United still had enough to win, with Carlos Tevez scoring the only goal. But there were some nervy moments, particularly when Wes Brown brought down Mancini for a debatable penalty -- it's hard to tell, but I think he might have got the ball first -- which Daniel de Rossi blasted over the bar. (And I laughed, because I dislike de Rossi for no apparent reason.) The clean sheet was encouraging, with Mikael Silvestre making his first start in ages (I'd almost forgotten about him), Rio Ferdinand making it through the game despite a foot injury, and Gary Neville finally returning from injury as a substitute. Player of the game, though, was Owen Hargreaves, who worked his socks off for 90 minutes and even set up Tevez's goal with a perfect cross.


Chelsea 2-0 Fenerbahce (3-2 agg)
Okay, somebody out there has a voodoo doll with a Chelsea goalkeeper kit, right? Because they are totally cursed. First Petr Cech gets his face all cut up in training (50 STITCHES! That is ridiculous.), and then Carlo Cudicini takes over from him and pulls a hamstring. And didn't this happen last year too? Voodoo doll, I'm telling you. Anyway, third-choice keeper Hilario made a few good saves to see Chelsea through to the next round. But they made things a bit tougher for themselves than they needed to. Michael Ballack's header gave them an early advantage, but they waited until the 87th minute to put the tie away with a second goal from Frank Lampard. Michael Essien, who set up that goal, however, will be missing the first semi-final game at Anfield through suspension, which is a boost to Liverpool.


Barcelona 1-0 Schalke (2-0 agg)
Barcelona did enough to get themselves into the semi-finals with another 1-0 victory over Schalke, but they didn't exactly look convincing in the process. There's been a constant stream of dressing-room drama, with Ronaldinho and Deco supposedly being dropped for partying too much, and Thierry Henry being generally mediocre now that he's left his Arsenal harem. Leo Messi will probably be back from injury for Barca when they face United later this month, but the bad news is that Carles Puyol will be suspended for the first leg after picking up another yellow card here.

Why do I always seem to be away during Champions League weeks?

Apologies for the lack of posts around here, but I've been on vacation all week. I meant to put something up before I left, but an insufficient amount of time and an oversufficient amount of alcohol conspired against it. Probably just as well, because all my Champions League predictions would have been woefully inaccurate.

The resort did have ESPN, but even I wasn't about to give up valuable beach time in favour of watching football. So I'm just catching up now.

• I did see the second half of United's game against Roma, as they took a 2-0 lead home to Old Trafford. It looked like a solid performance, not as over-cautious as they too often are when playing away in Europe. And Cristiano Ronaldo will have shut a few more people up with his goal here. The bad news is the injury to Nemanja Vidic; combined with Rio Ferdinand limping out of their game on the weekend, it leaves the back line looking rather shaky. Reminds me of last season, actually, when I think seem to recall them being forced into playing Darren Fletcher at right-back.
  
  
• Liverpool drew 1-1 with Arsenal at the Emirates, which gives them a slight advantage going into the second leg. But it's a very slight advantage. It's quite possible that Fernando Torres will score a brilliant goal and they'll put together another magnificent defensive performance and stymie Arsenal for 90 minutes, but it's equally possible that Pepe Reina will have a brain fart and then Dirk Kuyt will fall over his own feet when presented with an open net. I am expecting dreading that it's going to be another 1-1 followed by penalties.
  
  
• Chelsea took the lead against Fenerbahce through an own-goal, but then gave up two goals in the second half; it was the reverse of many of their games this season, as they played well but still lost. Ha. And Barcelona beat Schalke, as expected, albeit by only one goal -- the first Champions League goal for wunderkind Bojan Krkic.
  
  
• Meanwhile, in the league, United started the week by destroying Villa 4-0, demonstrating what they can do if you are foolish enough to go to Old Trafford and attempt to play rather than stringing 11 men across the goalmouth. They followed that up with a snowy 2-2 draw at Middlesbrough, who have been surprisingly tough against the so-called big teams this year. Uh-oh.
  
  
• Liverpool faced a couple of tricky games but have done pretty well, beating Everton 1-0 in the derby and then drawing against Arsenal with their second-string team in the league game sandwiched between their two Champions League matches. They still have only a narrow lead over Everton in the table, but it should be enough to preserve their spot in the top four. The boardroom drama continues; I continue to stick my fingers in my ears and chant "La la la I can't hear you."
  
  
• Chelsea are still steadily winning games, beating Middlesbrough and then Man City. They're now only three points behind Manchester United and I'm starting to get a bit worried. But I refuse to believe that United can be caught by a team managed by one of the Gorgs from Fraggle Rock.
  
  
• Arsenal staged an amazing comeback last weekend, beating a doomed Bolton 3-2 after going down 2-0 and then having a man sent off. I was laughing at them when I left for the airport at halftime, and then they had to go and win after all, the bastards.
  
  
• Also, Newcastle apparently don't suck anymore...when did that happen?
  
  
• In the FA Cup, Portsmouth beat West Brom and Cardiff beat Barnsley, both one-nil, to reach the finals. I am trying to care and failing miserably, especially now that designated minnows Barnsley are out.
  
  
• And here at home, Toronto FC are off to another dismal start to the season, losing their first two games on the road, against Columbus and DC United. I think this could be a chronic problem for them, because they're probably going to start every season away from home while they wait for the snow to melt. Makes it hard to build any sort of momentum when you've already dropped points in your first few games. A bit of good news (I guess?) is that they've signed Laurent Robert from Derby. Yeah, only in MLS is picking up a player from the worst team in the Premiership seen as an asset.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: March 22-23

Manchester United 3-0 Liverpool
A lot of people are blaming Javier Mascherano for Liverpool losing. A few people are blaming the referee. I'm going to do something a bit different and blame both of them.

Let's start with Mascherano. He's booked early on for a late tackle on Paul Scholes, although he's deliberately put his feet flat on the ground -- no high foot, no studs showing -- so it's maybe a bit harsh. Somewhat aggrieved by that, he spends a good portion of the first half yammering away at Steve Bennett. Then, just before halftime, Fernando Torres is booked for what I presume was dissent -- it wasn't particularly clear -- Mascherano makes the unnecessary and foolhardy decision to question this, and he's booked a second time, again for dissent. Now, I'm not going to argue that he isn't an idiot for getting involved. (And he didn't help his case by the way he reacted.) But I think the referee has to share some of the responsibility.

Leaving aside the first yellow card for Mascherano -- because I do think that could have gone either way -- let's look at the way Bennett handled the situation. There's been a lot of discussion this week about whether referees deserve more respect from the players, and I think generally they do. But the other side of that is that the players are also entitled to respect from the referees. I don't mean turning a blind eye when players whine about every call. I mean simply responding to players instead of stonewalling them.

Let's say the referee awards a free kick and a player asks, "What was that for?" There are two ways you can take that. One is that they're disputing the referee's decision. The other is that they're just not sure what the infringement is, and they want to know. Most of the time it's probably the first, but not always -- and when referees assume that it's always the player trying to argue, and as a result they get all defensive and refuse to answer, it just causes more problems.

Look at this game, specifically: Torres is booked for whatever comment he made. Then Mascherano comes over to ask what happened, and he's booked as well. As I said, it's a foolish thing for him to do, but I think it's reasonable to expect that you should be able to ask a question without getting sent off for it. There's certainly too many instances of dissent in the game today, and not enough of them are being punished, but there is also a difference between dissent and simply making a comment -- or at least there should be.

The FA is probably going to come down hard on Mascherano for not leaving the field immediately after being sent off. And I think that's harsh -- I can't really blame him for reacting incredulously to the second booking -- but I'm sure they're determined to make an example of him. Which is going to cripple Liverpool's midfield for the next few games, incidentally.

The real shame, though, is that the sending off pretty much ended this as a game. And regardless of whether I wanted United to win, I didn't want them to win like this. Unitd had already taken the lead in the 34th minute with an unlikely goalscorer, Wes Brown heading home from a corner, and were looking like the better team even before their opponents were reduced to 10 men. Liverpool did put a decent spell together in the second half, but they never really tested Edwin van der Sar, and it was only a matter of time before United scored again.

Wayne Rooney had been breaking through the defence too easily all game, and really should have scored at least once. Instead it was Cristiano Ronaldo with the second goal -- another header that Pepe Reina came to punch and missed, negating the good saves he'd made earlier in the game. Nani added a third just a couple minutes later, cutting inside and unleashing a scorching shot. By that point Liverpool looked like they just wanted it all to be over, while United were relishing the thought of moving six points clear of Arsenal at the top of the table.


Chelsea 2-1 Arsenal
The two teams were evenly matched for almost an hour (including the two least likeably players in the Premiership facing up against each other, with Emmanuel Eboue versus Ashley Cole) before Arsenal took the lead. As with United v. Liverpool, it was another unlikely goal from a right back, Bacary Sagna scoring from a corner when he probably shouldn't have been anywhere near the box. But unfortunately for Arsenal, the game proved to be a microcosm of their season, as they then surrendered the lead to a resurgent Chelsea -- who have now leapfrogged them into second place in the league.

Avram Grant's substitutions -- Juliano Belletti and Nicolas Anelka for Claude Makelele and Michael Ballack -- were criticized by the Chelsea fans but appeared to have an effect, as both players they were involved in the winning goal. (Neither of the players who were taken off looked particularly happy about it, by the way, with a scowling Ballack heading straight down the tunnel.) But the changes were hardly revolutionary, and in any case it was Didier Drogba who was really the difference between the teams here. He'd been hobbling earlier in the game and looked like he might come off, but shook it off and led his team brilliantly, ultimately scoring both their goals. I still don't like him, but he is a very good striker when he wants to be.


Other results
Aston Villa 0-1 Sunderland
Blackburn 3-1 Wigan
Bolton 0-0 Manchester City
Everton 1-1 West Ham
Middlesbrough 1-0 Derby
Newcastle 2-0 Fulham
Reading 2-1 Birmingham
Tottenham 2-0 Portsmouth

Champions League Round of 16: March 5

Champions League Round of 16: March 5

Real Madrid 1-2 Roma (2-4 agg)
That sound you hear is Iker Casillas weeping into his gloves as the defence in front of him imploded once again and Real Madrid crashed out of the Champions League at this stage for the fourth year in a row. Pepe was sent off for a second yellow card in the 71st minute, and just a couple minutes later Taddei scored the opening goal for Roma. Raul equalized shortly thereafter, but his team would have still needed another goal to bring them level over two legs. Instead it was Roma who scored again, Vucinic guaranteeing their place in the next round with a goal in stoppage time.

Chelsea 3-0 Olympiakos
Fucking Chelsea. I guess it was too much to hope that they would choke. Instead they've cruised through, helped by the fact that Olympiakos were essentially useless. They've also demonstrated that Michael Ballack and Frank Lampard can play together after all: the opening goal was a Ballack header from Lampard's cross, the second Ballack's shot and Lampard scoring the rebound. (Kalou added the third goal in the second half.) So, I don't know; maybe we need to start teaching Steven Gerrard some German.

Porto - Schalke (1-1 agg; 1-4 pen)
Porto were down to 10 men when Lisandro Lopez scored in the 86th minute to cancel out Schalke's 1-0 lead from the first leg and force extra time. But after that ended with no more goals, Schalke keeper Manuel Neuer made two penalty saves to send his team into the quarter-finals for the first time.

Liverpool travel to Italy next week for the second leg against Inter. I will be wearing my lucky red shirt and attempting not to bite my fingernails.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: March 1-2

Bolton 1-3 Liverpool
When you are looking for your first win at Bolton in...um, a long time (I'm too lazy to look it up, sorry), it really helps if they hand you the first goal on a silver plate. Which is what happened here: a low, long-range shot from Steven Gerrard that was headed just wide until Jussi Jaaskelainen attempted to block it but somehow deflected the ball back into his own net. Having that goal gave Liverpool confidence and enabled them to pass the ball around calmly, and opened up the game as Bolton had to go looking for an equalizer. The problem is that with Nicolas Anelka gone to Stamford Bridge, they don't have much of a goal-scoring threat up front.

For Liverpool, Fernando Torres has been the main threat this season, but he had a relatively quiet game here. Ryan Babel was probably their most dangerous player; he still needs to add some variety to his repertoire, rather than cutting inside onto his right foot all the time, but he did score and terrorized the Bolton defence throughout. I'm still not convinced that Dirk Kuyt should be playing on the other wing, but he did look better today. (Maybe Rafa figures that he's not much of a goal-scorer, so you might as well play him out wide?)

One thing Liverpool need to do is work on their defending at set-pieces. People have been criticizing their zonal marking system for ages, but whereas before they were keeping plenty of clean sheets, this season they seem to be giving up a goal just about every game, and most of them are from set plays. Like the late goal they conceded here -- although at least Fabio Aurelio had given them a bit of insurance just a few minutes before, a beautiful volley for his first-ever Liverpool goal. Anyway, another three points in the bag, and now they have to do the same against West Ham on Wednesday to move back ahead of Everton into fourth place.


Fulham 0-3 Manchester United
When United start with Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo on the bench, is that reassuring for their opponents or just insulting? It should be the latter, but I suspect Fulham were just happy that it wasn't any worse for them -- especially Paul Stalteri at right-back, who was roasted more thoroughly than any hooker at one of Ronaldo's parties (and also reminded us of why the Canadian national team is so mediocre).

United never really got out of first gear, but they didn't need to. Owen Hargreaves scored his first goal for the club with an excellent free kick. And Fulham continued their hospitality by allowing Park Ji-Sung his first goal in almost a year, followed by an own-goal to top things off. Oh, but Fulham did finally bring on two strikers in stoppage time -- a futile use of substitutions that sent the commentators I was listening to into a sort of bemused apoplexy.


Arsenal 1-1 Aston Villa
Ohh, so close! So close to a great victory for Villa -- and so close to Manchester United going top of the table on goal difference. I managed to catch the last five minutes of the game yesterday, just in time to see Nicklas Bendtner equalize for Arsenal at the very end of stoppage time. Argh. The fight-back may be a boost to them, but from my perspective, at least they only got one point from this game. And one point is also all that separates them from United in second place.

Also encouraging for rest of the league is that Villa proved that you don't have to kick to death Arsenal to beat them; you just have to out-hustle and out-think them. Arsenal looked disjointed from the outset, and although they threatened more as the game went on, they still weren't producing enough shots that really tested the keeper. (Exception: The hapless Phil Senderos, who I can't even laugh at for that own-goal, because his droopy face makes me want to pat him on the head and bake him cookies.)


West Ham 0-4 Chelsea
Hmm. At least I got to see Frank Lampard sent off. I'm still not entirely sure what the red card was for -- kicking at Luis Boa Morte as he got up from a tackle, shoving him down again afterwards, or what -- or why Boa Morte also didn't get carded for kicking out at Lampard in return. But it means three games with no chance of having to watch that obnoxious ring-kissing celebration, so whatever.

The sending-off might have been controversial, but it didn't really change the game. It was all over by that point, with three Chelsea goals in five first-half minutes: a Lampard penalty plus two sweet finishes by JOe Cole and Michael Ballack. The Chelsea team was dramatically changed from the lineup that they fielded in the Carling Cup, and looked much more effective. Makes you wonder why they left Joe Cole, for example, on the bench for so long last weekend. But then, I'm not a control-freak Russian billionaire, so what do I know about football?


Birmingham 4-1 Tottenham
I suspect that the Tottenham players are still hung over after last weekend. I mean, credit to Birmingham for a solid performance, and Spurs were admittedly fielding a weakened lineup ahead of their UEFA Cup game on Thursday, but come on. When you are giving up hat-tricks to Mikael Forssell, that is not good. Maybe we can blame the yellow kits.


Other results
Everton 3-1 Portsmouth
Derby 0-0 Sunderland
Manchester City 0-0 Wigan
Middlesbrough 0-1 Reading
Newcastle 0-1 Blackburn

Carling Cup Final

Tottenham 2-1 Chelsea
I was kind of ambivalent about this game; much as I detest Chelsea, I can't really warm to Spurs either. I'm not sure exactly what it is about them. But for some reason I often want to smack Robbie Keane in the face. Despite all that, it was a decent enough game to watch, in my vaguely hungover state on Sunday morning. Plus I find that John Terry crying always makes me feel better.

Spurs were marginally the better team in the first half, but it was Chelsea who went into halftime with the lead from a Didier Drogba free kick that Paul Robinson just stood and watched. (Actually, that's not true: Robinson did move, but in the opposite direction from where the ball was going.) In the second half, Tottenham came out strongly and pulled a goal back with Dimitar Berbatov's penalty after a handball in the box by Wayne Bridge -- plus, of course, the obligatory John Terry ranting at the referee in process.

Into extra time, then, and Spurs earned the win with a bit of luck, as Petr Cech's attempted punch at a free kick ricocheted off Jonathan Woodgate's head and into the net. They still had to make it through almost half an hour of play, and Chelsea threw everything they had at Tottenham for the last 10 minutes or so, but that was really the first time in the game that they'd looked like they cared about winning, and Spurs managed to hold on.

Juande Ramos definitely won the tactical battle over Avram Grant. Chelsea's 4-3-3 formation was ill-thought-out, with Nicolas Anelka awkwardly shoehorned in on the left wing (it should've been Joe Cole there instead, or Anelka up front with Drogba in a 4-4-2), and Grant's substitutions were ineffective. Ramos, in contrast, used his substitutes to change the shape of the team and take control of the game, switching from 4-4-2 to 3-5-2 as Spurs chased the winning goal, and then changing to five at the back as they desperately clung to their lead.

Chelsea, unsurprisingly, were very sore losers, bitching about the penalty decision, when the referee chose to blow the final whistle and, for all I know, the fact that they had to wear blue socks instead of white. I would just like to thank Tottenham for making sure that there's no chance of Chelsea claiming the quadruple this year. And did I mention John Terry crying?

Champions League Round of 16: February 19

Liverpool 2-0 Inter
For 85 minutes, I thought that this was going to be one of those nights. One of those games where, no matter how much Liverpool dominated, they just weren't going to score.

Liverpool started strongly, pushing Inter back and forcing the defenders into errors, like those two fouls by Materazzi on Torres. That may have added up to a harsh red card -- although, come on, if you were going to bet on a player being sent off, it would totally have been Matrix. But even with a one-man advantage and almost 70% of possession, they still couldn't find a way through. You could see the same problems that have plagued them all season with their inability to kill games off; they really didn't create enough clear chances to test the keeper. In fact, I was starting to worry that it would be Inter who'd manage to steal a goal.

But finally, it was the much-maligned Dirk Kuyt who scored the crucial goal for Liverpool, with a lot of help from a deflection. I still don't understand Rafa's penchant for playing him as a winger (considering that he has neither speed nor a great deal of skill on the ball), but at least he was in the right place at the right time for once. By that point, Inter's defence had been weakened further as their other centre half, Ivan Cordoba, had already been taken off injured. And substitute Patrick Vieira, who looks to be about half the player he once was, had been very lucky not to concede a penalty after a blatant handball in the box.

Gerrard added a bit of gloss to the scoreline with a 90th-minute goal that found its way through a crowd of players and arrowed in off the far post. That leaves Liverpool with a two-goal advantage heading into the second leg in Milan, with the bonus of not having given up an away goal. How come they can do it against the best teams in Europe but not against fucking Barnsley? Gah.

Also: Shut up, Tommy Smyth. I should know better than to expect anything insightful from the ESPN commentators, but really. Whatever strategy Liverpool tried yesterday, he criticized. First he didn't like that they were playing the ball back and forth across the pitch -- despite the fact that that's a pretty good way to pull the other team out of position, especially when they're a man down. Then he said that they needed to keep possession more. (More than 70%? Whatever.) Then he said that rather than holding on to the ball, they should be running at defenders instead. Eedjit.


Roma 2-1 Real
Real will be disappointed not to have come away with at least a draw, after taking an early lead with a goal from Raul and dominating much of the play. But Roma got over their intra-team squabbling and came back to win the game, helped by a deflected goal and then a defensive lapse by Gabriel Heinze. Poor Iker Casillas. He deserves better.

Olympiakos 0-0 Chelsea
"Do I want to watch Chelsea grind out another stultifying scoreless draw?" I asked myself. And the answer was, emphatically, no. Instead, I will give you this statistic: Five shots on target in the whole game. For both teams combined. That's the excitement of European competition, right there.

Schalke 1-0 Porto
Kevin Kuranyi gave his team a narrow lead with an early goal. I strongly disapprove of Kevin Kuranyi's facial hair.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: February 9-10

Manchester United 1-2 Manchester City
So, I have a theory: United decided that they wanted people to properly appreciate the tragedy of Munich. That sense of desolation that the team and the fans must have felt. And the best way to do that? Lose the derby.

If I'm being serious, I suspect that the occasion did get to them. the after-effects of an international week probably didn't help either, because they looked pretty sluggish out there. A lot of sloppy passes. Matt Busby would not have approved.

From a happier perspective, I do like those retro kits. Ryan Giggs in particular looks like he was born to wear them.

Chelsea 0-0 Liverpool
I feel like I say this about Liverpool every week, but: Out of context, a draw away to Chelsea isn't a bad result. Chelsea are very hard to beat at Stamford Bridge. The problem is that Liverpool desperately need to rack up a few wins. They're still in fifth place now, and all that talk about having a game in hand is kind of pointless because chances aren't too good that they'll actually turn that into three points.

Liverpool were probably the better team, which is not saying much as they were both mediocre. But Liverpool did at least muster up a shot on goal, which is more than Chelsea managed. It was weird: with United losing and Arsenal yet to play, you'd expect Chelsea to grab this chance to close the gap, but they didn't look like they really wanted to win the game. As for Liverpool, two words for you: Dirk Kuyt.

Aston Villa 4-1 Newcastle
Surely nobody thought that Newcastle were going to get better at defending under Keegan than they were under Allardyce, did they? Michael Owen did at least score, in an attempt to prove a point to Fabio Capello, but in the scope of this game it was pretty much futile. Poor thing.

Other results
Everton 1-0 Reading
Bolton 1-0 Portsmouth
Derby 0-3 Tottenham
Middlesbrough 1-0 Fulham
Sunderland 2-0 Wigan
West Ham 1-1 Birmingham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: December 15-16

Liverpool 0-1 Manchester United
Poor Rafa just cannot win. He rotates his team and people slag him off for that; he keeps an unchanged team from the one that steamrolled Marseilles, and they look toothless.

Maybe it wasn't the greatest football on display -- mostly a lot of hustle and bustle in midfield -- but I thought it was great fun to watch because of how tense it was and how closely matched the two teams were. The difference basically came down to Carlos Tevez versus Fernando Torres. Tevez benefited from a defensive lapse by Liverpool -- first nobody picking up Wayne Rooney on the edge of the box at a corner, and then Yossi Benayoun staying glued to the post to play Tevez onside -- to score United's only goal.

Torres, on the other hand, had his best chance on goal with a free header from a couple yards out with the keeper out of position, but sent it just wide. Torres definitely wasn't at his best in this game, but on the other hand he didn't get much help from the rest of the team. Steven Gerrard was playing a bit deeper and didn't get forward in support as much, while the wide players were not particularly effective -- although that was a problem for both teams, not just Liverpool.

And neither team actually created all that many real shots on goal; probably because they were giving up possession too easily to let them develop the play. In fact, some of Liverpool's best chances came from braincramps from Edwin van der Sar, who kept coming off his line and running straight into a defender. But they didn't capitalize on their lucky breaks, and United did, which means Liverpool are now 10 points behind Arsenal at the top of the table.

It's really not a great result for Liverpool; they may indeed be out of the title race. But I don't expect this to actually precipitate a crisis at the club. Let's face it, the owners are fundamentally practical, and they're going to recognize that the win against Marseille in midweek was far more important to the club's finances than losing to United here.

As for United, this should be a morale-booster for them. Not that they were exactly lacking in morale before. But I think the game was a reminder that they do have a good enough squad that they should be serious contenders for more than one trophy this year.


Arsenal 1-0 Chelsea
Well, Manuel Almunia turns out to be basically the only one of the "big four" goalkeepers who came out of this weekend with his reputation enhance. Petr Cech? Not so much. I have no idea how he missed that ball, but he did, leaving William Gallas to once again step up with a crucial goal for Arsenal. (Although I am still dubious about Arsene Wenger making him captain. Also dubious: his mohawk.)

Anyway, like the United-Liverpool game, I found this one quite entertaining, despite the lack of pretty football. Mostly I was amused by how chippy the game was, seeing as I dislike both teams. Arsenal at least can present this as a rebuttal to people who say that they can be bullied out of games, because they gave as good as they got against Chelsea. Also I don't have a huge amount of sympathy for the injuries to John Terry, who was being his usual petulant self, or Emmanuel Eboue, who makes JT look like the epitome of gentlemanly behaviour by comparison.


Other results
Wigan 5-3 Blackburn
Manchester City 4-2 Bolton
West Ham 0-2 Everton
Portsmouth 0-1 Tottenham
Sunderland 1-1 Aston Villa
Birmingham 1-1 Reading
Fulham 0-1 Newcastle
Derby 0-1 Middlesbrough

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 24-25

Newcastle 0-3 Liverpool
A lot of teams seemed to be suffering from an international hangover this week, and Liverpool were no exception, despite the score. Aside from Steven Gerrard, who was fantastic -- and why the hell can't he do that for England, or even for Liverpool on a consistent basis? -- the team weren't all that great. But it didn't matter, because Newcastle were very bad, to the point of being incapable of getting the ball out of their own end. In fact, the scoreline would have been even more lopsided if Fernando Torres had put away even one or two of the chances he had. (I am trying my very best not to think about all the rumours flying around about Rafa throwing a hissy fit in the general direction of Hicks and Gillette.)

Bolton 1-0 Manchester United
Ok, so: last year Bolton were a decent team, and United thumped them home and away. This year they've been crap and yet United go down tamely to defeat. That is not right, y'all. I think part of the problem was that they let Bolton get to them with the constant fouling -- nothing that was too far over the line, but just enough to get under their skin. And of course there was that defensive fuckup by Gerard Pique, thrown on at centre half after Vidic was injured with Serbia. But the big part of the problem was that their attack wasn't clicking, with Rooney out and Saha ineffective (and contrast that with the difference that Nicolas Anelka made for Bolton). I still don't understand why Ronaldo wasn't at least on the bench; even if he needed a rest after the internationals, he could have managed 20 minutes at least.

Derby 0-2 Chelsea
Even an understrength Chelsea had no problem overcoming poor Derby, who continue to suck. But the game did serve as a preview of what Chelsea will be missing when Drogba and Essien (among others) take off to Africa in January. Really, apart from the eye-bleedingly horrific away kits, it was most notable for John Terry acting like a petulant two-year-old every time a decision went against his team. What a shining example for the national team he is.

Arsenal 2-0 Wigan
Arsenal left it very late to pull out a win, once again inspired by a goal from captain William Gallas. Before that they'd looked a bit sluggish, with Theo Walcott one of the few players who stood out, although there was still no end product for him in the form of a goal.

Everton 7-1 Sunderland
How would you like to be in the dressing room with Roy Keane after this match? *shiver* I imagine he could kill you without even loosening his tie. You do have to wonder, though, what kind of halftime team talk he gave, considering that Sunderland went in with the score at 3-1, still half a chance, and then came out and got even worse in the second half. Other questions: What more does Mikel Arteta have to do to get a game for Spain? And would the Sunderland defence have been more effective if they had just put four big piles of crap out there instead? ...Oh.

Other results
Manchester City 2-1 Reading
Birmingham 0-2 Portsmouth
Middlesbrough 0-3 Aston Villa
Fulham 2-2 Blackburn
West Ham 1-1 Tottenham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 3-4

Arsenal 2-2 Manchester United
If you'd offered me a draw beforehand, I would have snatched at it -- especially with United having lost this same fixture last year. But having come so close to winning, only to have it slip away at the last moment, it's impossible not to be a bit disappointed. I was happy with the way United played for the most part, though. They worked hard to close down Arsenal and didn't let them get into their fluid passing, and although they sometimes found it hard to establish a rhythm of their own, I think United had the better chances in the first half. And Wayne Rooney pounced on one of those half-chances just before halftime, turning in Ronaldo's cross off William Gallas at the near post.

But Arsenal equalized just after the break, with Edwin Van der Sar stopping Emmanuel Adebayor's shot after a flowing forward move, only for the rebound to be played out to Cesc Fabregas, whose finish took advantage of the keeper being out of position. Neither team seemed content to settle for a draw, though, with Arsenal bringing on Theo Walcott, and United countering that with Louis Saha and Michael Carrick in place of Carlos Tevez and Anderson. (Anderson, incidentally, had another good game; he may not have the guile of Paul Scholes in midfield -- at least not yet -- but he does offer the advantage of actually being able to tackle without getting booked for it.) It looked as if United's substitutions would win them the game, Saha playing a lovely reverse pass to Patrice Evra, who squared the ball for Cristiano Ronaldo to slot home. But there was a nervy end to the match for United, including Evra spooning the ball just over his own crossbar, and it ended with a stoppage-time scramble in the box, Gallas atoning for his earlier own-goal with an excellent finish; Van der Sar cleared the ball, but it had already crossed the line and the linesman rightly (much as I hate to say it) signaled the goal.

Speaking of the officials: I think Sir Alex is overreacting by claiming they were biased towards Arsenal, but I nevertheless would have liked it if Howard Webb could have refrained from whistling the play dead every 30 seconds and just let them play. Still, it was an exciting game, and it leaves things too close to call between these two teams; it's impossible to predict who's going to come out on top in the end.


Blackburn 0-0 Liverpool
Liverpool are, along with Arsenal, the only undefeated teams in the Premiership so far. But that's about all they have in common at the moment. Away to Blackburn is always a tricky match, but Liverpool looked very laboured here, lacking the kind of attacking creativity that they need if they're going to challenge for the title this year (or, for that matter, if they're going to get any farther in the Champions League). I understand that Rafa likes hard-working players, but that doesn't necessarily preclude players with flair as well -- you just have to look at the lineups in the Arsenal-United match to see that. Liverpool played the same 4-2-3-1 formation as last week, but with Ryan Babel and Yossi Benayoun on the wings -- a change that I actually prefer, although they did both have an unfortunate tendency to creep in towards the middle too much, rather than using the space to spread the play out.

With Fernando Torres injured and Andriy Voronin's wife having gone into labour, Dirk Kuyt was on his own up front and...well, he tried hard. But he just didn't seem to know what to do once he'd gotten into the 18-yard box. It was the sort of headless chicken display unhappily reminiscent of Milan Baros, except without the pace. The moment that stood out the most was Steven Gerrard, supporting the play, steaming into the box only for Kuyt to dribble the ball tamely into the keeper. I also have to wonder what Peter Crouch has done that means Rafa doesn't trust him anymore, because Liverpool did look much better once he and Harry Kewell came on, forcing a couple of good saves from Brad Friedel. Maybe if they'd been brought on earlier, Liverpool could have picked up all three points and closed the gap on the teams above them. As it is, though, they should just be thankful that Jamie Carragher continues his charmed life, not conceding a penalty despite going in to block a shot with his arms up over his head.


Wigan 0-2 Chelsea
With Chelsea in form right now and Wigan emphatically not, the scoreline was pretty predictable. The only thing mildly surprising, actually, was that Didier Drogba wasn't one of the goal-scorers for Chelsea. He was involved in the first goal, though, feeding the ball out to Shaun Wright-Phillips to run at the defenders and sent a curling ball across behind the Wigan back line for Frank Lampard to run onto and score. (And let me just mention that his goal celebration makes me want to hit him in the face.) Wright-Phillips contributed to the second goal, too, keeping the ball from going out for a throw and feeding Juliano Belletti, who sauntered forward with the defenders backing away, and eventually saw his long-distance shot swerve past Chris Kirkland into the net. That was it; 2-0 after 20 minutes was essentially game over. So there was no goal-fest like Chelsea had against Manchester City last weekend, although I suppose that's small consolation for Wigan.

Newcastle 1-4 Portsmouth
I imagine that Shay Given is sitting at home right now being grateful that he was injured for this game. Having Sam Allardyce as a manager has apparently not made Newcastle's defense any less porous, and they were three goals down after 12 minutes. Maybe it was hard to fault them for the first goal, a left-footed screamer from Noe Pamarot, but the next two were almost entirely due to Cacapa doing his best impression of a pylon to allow first Benjani and then Utaku to score. It was so bad that he was hauled off the pitch shortly thereafter. Newcastle did manage to pull one back, with Michael Owen's shot ricocheting into the net off David James and Sol Campbell, but they were unable to score the second goal that might have made this a close contest. In the end it was Portsmouth who scored again, from Nico Kranjcar's free kick, thanks to -- once again -- some lax Newcastle defending.


Other results
Aston Villa 2-0 Derby
Everton 3-1 Birmingham
Fulham 3-1 Reading
Middlesbrough 1-1 Tottenham
West Ham 1-1 Bolton