In which I actually pay attention to teams outside the Premiership*

So, the Premiership wraps up tomorrow, with Manchester United and Chelsea level on points after Chelsea's 2-0 win over Newcastle on Monday (damn you, Michael Ballack!). Fulham, Reading and Birmingham are fighting for their Premiership survival, and Everton and Aston Villa are going for a UEFA Cup spot. Everybody else is planning their summer holidays already. I'm just grateful that my family decided to do dinner rather than brunch for Mother's Day, so I can actually watch the games live.

One game I won't be able to watch is Milan versus Napoli, because I can't seem to find it on TV here anywhere. Bah. At least I got to see the derby last week, which was awesome, because Milan not only won, they killed them; the 2-1 scoreline really doesn't tell you how much better they were than Inter. (I don't know why they can't play like that every week; but I have a theory that they're sadistic bastards who like to torture their supporters.) Anyway, the win, combined with Fiorentina losing, meant that Milan have moved up into fourth place, which is nice, seeing as the Champions League is the only competition they really care about. Roma are now only three points behind Inter, but the nerazzurri can wrap up the scudetto if they beat Siena tomorrow. (Booo, hisss.) Parma, Empoli and Livorno are in the relegation places, but I don't think anything's been wrapped up there yet.

Real Madrid clinched the La Liga title last weekend with a come-from-behind win over Osasuna, despite having Fabio Cannavaro sent off early in the second half (didn't he use to be good? What happened?). I don't really love Real, but I'm still happy that they won, just because I do like an excited yelly Iker Casillas. Anyway, their win meant that Barcelona had to applaud them onto the pitch with a guard of honour during their match on Wednesday, which must have hurt. After which, Real thumped them 4-1, just to rub salt in the wound. Barcelona have slipped down to third place behind Villareal, while Atletico Madrid are three points ahead of Sevilla in the race for the final champions League spot, with two games to go. Murcia and Levante are going down, along with one more out of a whole bunch of teams.

In Germany, there's one week left to play in the Bundesliga, but Bayern Munich wrapped up the title last weekend and celebrated by pouring gigantic glasses of beer on each other, which is a tradition that I think more teams (including my own) should adopt. Werder Bremen and Schalke are the other two teams in the Champions League places. I would tell you about the teams being relegated, but frankly I don't know who any of them are so I don't much care.

* I'll bet you thought I meant the other leagues in England or something like that, right? Yeah, no. Setanta had the various league playoffs on all day today, but I skipped them all. It was too nice not to be outside on a patio with a couple several pints of beer.

This week in the wacky world of football

(You have to imagine me saying that in a Kermit the Frog voice. I don't know why; just go with it.)

Premier League players pick their favourite books as part of a program to encourage reading. This would be where we mock Eidur Gudjohnsen for choosing My Winning Season by John Terry.

A family in West Cumbria has a football-playing sheep named Oliver.

Using a nose-dribbling technique, he weaves his way around his enclosure. The woolly jumper also leaps into the air in a bid to unsettle his opponents.

"We think he is more of a defensive player than an attacker," said [his owner]. "He's quite solid and if Sven-Goran Eriksson is looking for a holding midfield player to take to the World Cup, I'm sure he could do a job."

No word on what Oliver's favourite book is, but I'm pretty sure it's not My Winning Season.

Roma midfielder Daniele De Rossi admitted to having helped the ball into the net with his hand during his team's win over Messina, and told the referee that he should disallow the goal. (Didier Drogba's head just exploded.)

Oh, and Liverpool trounced Birmingham 7-0 to advance to the semi-finals of the FA Cup. The Reds have now scored 15 goals in their last three games -- which is about as many as they'd scored all year up to that point. I don't know what Rafa has done to the team (spiking the half-time tea? threatening the strikers with pistols at dawn?) but I like it. Although I can't help wishing that he'd done it a couple weeks ago, when they were, you know, still in the Champions League.

In which I continue to be irrationally entertained by European football

I watched a few Serie A games this weekend, because even though I'm Canadian, there is only so much I can care about Olympic curling, really. There's one commentating team on TLN that I especially love, because they always sound so bemused by the whole thing, like, "Oh, those crazy Italians, what will they do next?" Which is basically my reaction, too, what with the random calling of fouls, the incessant diving, and the apparent lack of shame about wearing skin-tight Easter-egg-coloured jerseys. Plus I can watch without getting all worked up over the results because I'm not cheering for any particular team. I do sort of half-heartedly support AC Milan, because I'm shallow enough to like watching Kaká and Sheva, but I don't get personally offended if they lose, the way I do with Manchester United.

In the same disinterested and ill-informed spirit, I bring you my predictions for the round of 16 in the Champions League (predicted winners in bold):

Bayern Munich - AC Milan
Benfica - Liverpool Ok, I lied -- I care quite a lot about this one
Real Madrid - Arsenal
PSV Eindhoven - Lyon
Chelsea - Barcelona I will also be joining all right-thinking people everywhere in rooting against Chelsea
Rangers - Villarreal
Werder Bremen - Juventus
Ajax - Internazionale

Also, because I keep forgetting to mention this: If you haven't already, go check out You'll Never Blog Alone, written by a friend of mine (sadly, this means I can no longer steal her best material for myself).

Italian football: WTF.

I normally don't pay much attention to Italian football, despite getting three Serie A games on Telatino most weekends -- largely because I tend to spend the games yelling at the players to (a) stop diving and (b) WASH THEIR DAMN HAIR.

But when I noticed that the Milan derby was on Sunday, I figured I might as well watch. And, wow. Are the games always like this, or was this just an unusually crazy one? Two extremely dodgy penalty calls (whatever drugs the ref was on, I would like some of those, please), players bleeding all over the pitch, Jaap Stam generally being terrifying, and a little gymnastics display by Obafemi Martins.

I might have to start watching more often now. Because four Premiership games in a weekend just isn't enough.

That Kaká sure is pretty, eh?