Euro 2008: Quarter-final 4

Spain 0-0 Italy (Spain win 4-2 on penalties)
This was the only one of the quarter-finals where the team that had won their group didn't get knocked out -- but in its own way, the result was just as much of a surprise as the other games, because it was classic choke-monkeys Spain. Beating world champions Italy. On penalties. Shocking, really.

It's just too bad that it wasn't a better game. Spain at least were trying, but I think Italy were playing for penalties from about the 60th minute on -- if not before. And it didn't help the flow of the game that the referee was calling absolutely everything -- right up until they got into the box, when he would just decide that the Spanish player had dived.

But still, Spain kept coming forward, looking for a way through the Italians. I think at one point in the first half they were up to more than 70% of possession, with Xavi patiently pulling the strings in midfield. The problem was that as soon as they got to the edge of the 18-yard box, they'd be closed down by three or four defenders, making it almost impossible to get a clean shot off.

I do think that Italy's defence played well -- unlike some of their earlier games in the tournament -- but this match mostly just reminded me why people dislike them. They were so focussed on smothering Spain's attack that they couldn't be bothered to mount an attack of their own. In other circumstances they probably would've relied on a free kick from Andrea Pirlo to nick a 1-0 win, but with Pirlo suspended, they had to look elsewhere for goals.

And unfortuately for them, Luca Toni, should've been their main goalscoring threat, couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. The best moment was when he attempted an overhead kick and only connected with the ball enough to divert it out of the path of Fabio Grosso, who would've had a clear header on goal. Combined with Mario Gomez's awful performances for Germany, I have to wonder just what they do to strikers in the Bundesliga. And I'm a bit surprised that Roberto Donadoni didn't drop Toni and replace him with, say, Marco Boriello -- but on the other hand, Donadoni hasn't seemed to have a clue who he should be picking in his team.

I was almost pleasantly surprised, though, to see the substitutions that Luis Aragones made for Spain, bringing Cesc Fabregas and Santi Cazorla on for Xavi and Andres Iniesta partway through the second half, in an attempt to change things up and make them play more direct football. I'm still disappointed that Xabi Alonso didn't get to play instead of one of their tiny interchangeable midfielders. But I can understand why they wouldn't want to drop Marcos Senna, because he had a very good game and even almost scored when Gianluigi Buffon fumbled his shot.

Spain continued to press throughout the second half and extra time, but they still couldn't find a goal. (They did get a whole bunch of corners, but that doesn't do much good when the other team are all about a foot taller than you.) And so we had a second quarter-final match being decided by a penalty shootout.

I can completely understand why Italy would feel that penalties were their best shot at winning, with the track record they've got -- plus supposedly the best goalkeeper in the world. But it backfired on them here. Iker Casillas -- who'd made a great reflex save on Mauro Camoranesi's shot late in the second half to keep his team in the game -- was absofuckinglutely awesome in the shootout, saving penalties from Daniele De Rossi and Antonio Di Natale before Cesc Fabregas stepped up to score the decisive spot-kick.

As an aside, I think Iker is now cutting off not only the bottoms of his jerseys but also the sleeves. I am amused by the idea of him hacking at his uniform with a pair of scissors in the locker room before a game. I swear next week he's going to be out there in a crop top. (I'm not saying I would entirely disapprove. Um.)

Anyway, Spain have (hopefully) vanquished some of their demons, and now they face a rematch with Russia in the semi-finals. I know they beat them 4-1 in the opening match, but I can't help being worried because (1) although Spain forestalled the choking this time, that doesn't mean it won't happen down the road and (2) Russia have all of a sudden become good. They'll probably give Spain more space to play than Italy did, but on the other hand Russia could pick apart the Spanish defence like they did the Netherlands. Sergio Ramos will probably slip in a puddle of hair gel and gift them a goal.


Bad hair of the day award: Not Ramos but Luca Toni. Purely for the pornstache. I don't know, maybe he thought it would help him score, but no. Not in any sense of the word.

Euro 2008: Day 11

Italy 2-0 France
Au revoir, mes enfants. You got the feeling it wasn't going to be France's day when Franck Ribery had to go off injured after just 8 minutes, having messed up his ankle in by getting tangled up with Gianluca Zambrotta. Ribery has been one of the few bright spots for France in this tournament, although I do think that Samir Nasri, who came on as his replacement, deserved more playing time as well.

And the poor kid was hauled off again 15 minutes later, after Eric Abidal was sent off for bringing down Luca Toni in the box. I've seen a few people arguing that Toni dived, and I think he may have gone down deliberately, judging from the way he trailed his leg back, but I also think that Abidal fouled him, because he was grappling with Toni from behind. So it was the right call by the referee. Andrea Pirlo buried the penalty for Italy, Jean-Alain Boumsong came on to replace Abidal for France (oh dear), and the game was virtually decided.

You really have to question Raymond Domenech's decision not to call up Philippe Mexes for France. Well, you have to question Domenech's decision-making for a lot of things, but especially that. Lilian Thuram and Willy Sagnol apparently asked to be dropped for this match based on their performance in previous games, which mean that Abidal had to be shifted to centre-back, where he looked distinctly out of place -- but when your only other option is Boumsong, what else can you do?

France have looked shaky defensively all along, and it was the same in this game -- which is particularly galling considering that they're playing with two defensive midfielders to shield the back line. Italy could have been up by two or three goals by halftime, if it hadn't been for some abysmal finishing by Luca Toni. What the hell have they done to him in Germany? It's bizarre.

The other big problem for France is that they've failed to rejuvenate the team after making it to the World Cup final in 2006. There are a lot of players for whom this was one tournament too far, but Domenech apparently doesn't have enough faith in the youngsters to bring them in yet. Italy have a lot of the same issues -- a weak defence and a manager who doesn't seem to know what his best team is -- but this was a classic Italian performance in that they did enough to win regardless.

It helps that they've got the best goalkeeper in the tournament by a mile. Gianluigi Buffon saved their ass against Romania and made one especially good save again here in the 73rd minute, tipping Karim Benzema's shot just wide. But it was already 2-0 to Italy by that point, after Daniel de Rossi's free kick was deflected into the net by Thierry Henry on the end of the wall, sending Gregory Coupet diving the wrong way. I feel a bit bad for Titi for that, but not that much, considering he spent most of the game flailing in disappointment at his teammates. Way to be captainly there.

After that save by Buffon, the game sort of petered out, with France subsiding into existential crisis and the Italians trying to ensure that nobody else would get booked -- Pirlo and (surprise, surprise) Gennaro Gattuso picked up second yellow cards and will be on the bench for the quarter-final. They do have a variety of options in midfield, but I think their main concern will be getting Toni's mojo working again so he can properly threaten the Spanish defence. Oh, and, you know, figuring out how the hell they're going to cope with Villa + Torres. Should be a hell of a game.


Netherlands 2-0 Romania
The Netherlands second string cruised into the quarter-finals with a win over a Romanian team that may be limited and yet had previously managed to foil both the World Cup finalists. I think this makes the Dutch B-team slightly better than the Croatian B-team, for those of you who care about such things. Then again, when your B-team has players like Arjen Robben and Robin van Persie, that's kind of a misnomer.

The Netherlands dominated from the outset, but I don't think they were trying particularly hard. At least, it took them a while to find a way to cut through the Romanian defence, wasting several chances in the first half. They didn't take the lead until the 54th minute, from a right-wing cross that was flicked on by Orlando Engelaar for Klaas-Jan Huntelaar to finish.

As for Romania, they just didn't look like they really wanted to win the game. Even after they went behind -- and knowing that Italy were leading against France -- they were still too defensively focussed, with not enough players pushing up to support Adrian Mutu in attack. (Poor Mutu, incidentally, must still be kicking himself for that penalty piss against Italy.) And their fate was sealed with a second goal for the Netherlands late on, Robin van Persie controlling a great diagonal ball from Demy de Zeeuw and slicing his shot past Bogdan Lobont at the near post.

This performance doesn't really tell us anything new about the Netherlands squad -- we already knew that they had an obscene number of gifted attacking players. But what I find interesting is that their supposedly shaky defence hasn't really put a foot wrong so far. I'm very curious to see what would happen if they come up against, say, Portugal, further along the line.


Next up: The Netherlands play the Group D runners-up (Russia or Sweden) on Saturday, and on Sunday, Italy will see if Spain choke yet again at the quarter-final stage

Bad hair of the day award: Fabio Grosso, for his white-boy fro. Fabio, Andrea Pirlo would like to teach you a few things about the proper use of conditioner.

Euro 2008: Day 7

Italy 1-1 Romania
I know there were some people out there who picked Romania as the dark horse candidates for this tournament -- not me, sadly, but it looks like those people were pretty smart.

After the embarrassment of their defeat against the Netherlands, Roberto Donadoni made a number of changes to the Italian lineup, bringing Daniele de Rossi and Simone Perrotta into midfield alongside Andrea Pirlo, giving Alessandro del Piero a start and rejigging the back line with Fabio Grosso and Giorgio Chiellini. Another loss would have eliminated them from the tournament, so they desperately needed to pick up at least a point here.

It was a good open game in the early stages, with Romania not playing quite as ultra-defensively as they did against France. Italy looked better than they did in their first game and had a few decent chances, but they seemed to be lacking the belief that they could win -- that attitude from 2006 that said "We're going to win this thing, and everyone else can go fuck themselves." Romania had a few chances of their own, but I think they were a bit shaken up when Mirel Radoi had to go off partway through the first half with a broken nose and fractured cheekbone after a collision with a teammate.

Just before halftime, after a good spell of pressure from Italy, the first controversial incident: A corner for Italy, sent out to the edge of the box and chipped back in, where Luca Toni scored only to have it ruled out for offside. It was a very close call, but I'm pretty sure the linesman got that one wrong, and the Italians were justifiably aggrieved (cue much impassioned gesturing).

Things got worse for Italy early in the second half, when Romania took the lead. From a long free kick, Gianluca Zambrotta attempted to head the ball back to the goalkeeper, only for Adrian Mutu to pounce and slice his shot over Gianluigi Buffon and into the net. But the Italians responded almost immediately, with a corner that was headed back across the goal and turned in at the post by Christian Panucci.

Italy made a series of changes in the final half-hour of the game, trying to get that valuable winning goal, but were unable to break down the Romanian defence. Instead it was Romania with the chance to win the game, after they were awarded a penalty for a foul by Panucci on Daniel Niculae. (The Italians whined about this one too, but the referee got it right.) Adrian Mutu stepped up, but his shot was miraculously saved by Buffon -- although it was hit fairly close to the keeper, he still had to react brilliantly to stop it with first his trailing arm and then his leg. Mutu looked like he was about to cry, and had to be subbed off soon after to stop him having a tantrum on the pitch.

So it ended 1-1, which means both teams are still clinging to life. Romania, actually, are in a slightly better position, because they have one point more, although they'll have a few players suspended for their final game against an already-qualified Netherlands. Italy will survive if they can beat France, but they're going to need a much better performance from Toni -- it really wasn't his day -- and, of course, to sort out that defence.


Netherlands 4-1 France
The Netherlands, unlike Romania, don't get to be a dark horse team. When you've played two games and handily defeated both World Cup finalists in the process, I think you have to be labelled as one of the favourites. They've clinched top spot in the group with this win, which means they could rest some players and take it easy against Romania in the final game; my only concern would be that if they do lose, it could mess with their usually fragile mental balance.

Anyway, Marco van Basten stuck with his winning lineup for this game, while Raymond Domenech changed things up in an attempt to inject some attacking flair into his team, moving Franck Ribery to a more central position and demoting Nicolas Anelka and Karim Benzema to the bench in favour of Thierry Henry as the lone striker (that, right there, would be the flaw in the plan, yes?).

So, yeah, that didn't work too well for France. The Netherlands scored first in the 10th minute, with Dirk Kuyt's header from a corner. And even after taking the lead, rather than sitting back to defend, they were brave -- or wise -- enough to continue pressing forward. France were struggling to hold onto possession, or at least to do much with it, with the Dutch players hustling to close them down. The French got better after the first half-hour or so, with Ribery -- as expected -- the source of just about everything good, but the Netherlands just kept playing their pretty triangles. In fact, they got even more offensively focusses, bringing on both Arjen Robben and Robin van Persie.

It was Van Persie who scored what turned out to be the winning goal in the 59th minute, after a fantastic bit of team play. From a throw-in deep in the Dutch half, Ruud van Nistelrooy did a sort of Zidane turn around the defender (I swear, I don't remember him doing that sort of thing for United) and set Robben free down the left wing. He crossed the ball to Van Persie, who hit a great first-time volley. Beautiful football.

Thierry Henry scored for France 10 minutes later to bring it back to 2-1, connecting with a right-wing cross from Willy Sagnol. But Robben restored the Netherlands' two-goal lead almost immediately from the kickoff, finishing off another mesmerizing passing move with an amazing finish from an almost impossible angle. That was pretty much game over for France, and I think the players might have just given up. And the Dutch rubbed their noses in it, Wesley Sneijder adding a fourth goal in stoppage time with a fine shot from the edge of the box.

So, France versus Italy in their final group game is not only a World Cup final rematch but also a battle for survival. That result won't matter at all if Romania beat the Netherlands, but both teams have to go for the win (if Romania lose and the other two draw, then I think it's decided on goal difference). If I had to pick a winner in that game, I'd say Italy, because France looked apathetic once again, while Italy were mostly just unfortunate.


Next up in Group C: France v. Italy and Netherlands v. Romania, both at 2:30 pm on Tuesday. Set your VCRs, y'all.

Bad hair of the day award: Sebastien Frey, France's back-up keeper. No, he didn't actually play, but his double-decker sideburns are bad enough to deserve a mention.

Euro 2008: Day 3

Netherlands 3-0 Italy
And the answer to the question of how Italy would cope without Fabio Cannavaro is: Not well at all. I can't remember the last time they lost this badly. Maybe they should have just put Cannavaro out there anyway, crutches and all.

The game turned to shit for Italy in the 25th minute, with Ruud van Nistelrooy scoring a goal that at first appeared to be blatantly offside. The problem is that Cristian Panucci had gone down in a heap on the far side of the goal line after a collision with Gianluigi Buffon, and apparently if you read the fine print of the offside rule, he counted as the second defender playing van Nistelrooy onside. Now, if the referee and linesman knew this at the time and that's why they let the goal stand, then well done to them, but I kind of suspect that they didn't see that Van Nistelrooy was behind the rest of the defenders and therefore blew the call -- although it ultimately turned out to be right.

Anyway, if you're going to be nit-picky, the Netherlands maybe should have scored earlier in the first half, when van Nistelrooy was played through on goal only to be caught by Buffon and ultimately lose possession. The contact was minor, but if he'd gone down rather than staying on his feet and trying to score, he probably would've got the penalty.

The controversy over van Nistelrooy's goal aside, the Dutch thoroughly deserved the win. I realize you can't completely discount that opening goal, since it meant that Italy had to push forward more and try for an equalizer, leaving openings at the back. But even so, they were being picked apart far too easily on the counter-attack.

The second Netherlands goal was the best one of the game. It started with an Italy corner that was cleared off the line by Gio van Bronckhorst, who was involved again later in the move with a great cross-field pass to Dirk Kuyt as the Dutch counter-attacked. Kuyt headed the ball down for Wesley Sneijder, who somehow managed to hook the ball past Buffon at the near post at a near-impossible angle. Van Nistelrooy could've made it three before halftime, after a through ball from Rafael van der Vaart that split the defence, but this time Buffon managed to block his shot. (Despite giving up three goals -- he even apologized to the fans after the game -- Buffon really did play well, as did Edwin van der Sar at the other end.)

Roberto Donadoni made a series of substitutions in the second half, attempting to get his team back into the game, but it was ultimately futile. First Fabio Grosso came on for Marco Materazzi to re-jig the defence, and then Alessandro del Piero and Antonio Cassano. The offensive changes did have an effect, although not enough to actually score, while the defenders still managed to give up another goal. The Netherlands had also brought on some fresh legs, and van Bronckhorst added a third goal after yet another counter-attack in the 80th minute -- Buffon blocked Kuyt's shot but not Van Bronckhorst's follow-up header.

Italy's most obvious problem was the lapses at the back -- I think they missed Cannavaro not only for his defensive talents but also for his ability to organize the rest of the back line. In his absence, Andreas Barzagli was mostly invisible, while Materazzi was notable mostly for being crap. But they also needed more protection from midfield. I think the Milan-based trio of Gattuso, Pirlo and Ambrosini were just too worn out after a draining season; maybe they could've used Daniel de Rossi in there to shore things up instead. And up front, Luca Toni did his best but should have taken a lesson in goal poaching from Ruud van Nistelrooy.

As for the Netherlands, it was a bit of redemption for Marco van Basten and his tactics. Despite their supposedly suspect defence, they did a good job of snuffing out the Italian attacks, and held on to possession well as they looked for opportunities. The bottom line for them is that cliche about attack being the best form of defence.

So, what next? The Netherlands will be boosted by picking up not only three points, but also their first win over Italy in 30 years. The Italians, meanwhile, need to use this defeat to fire themselves up for their next two games. Back in 1994, they lost their first game and still went on to reach the final, so it could happen again. But the Dutch are definitely the favourites to get out of the group right now.


Romania 0-0 France
Ok, I was dead tired yesterday to start with, but that game just about put me into a coma. I think the spectators were as bored as I was, because it was pretty quiet in the stadium. Hardly surprising, when you see stats like there being a grand total of one shot on goal in the entire game (that dubious honour goes to France, by the way).

Romania, I think, may turn out to be the Greece of 2008. They're well organized defensively -- they actually had six defenders on the pitch, with two of them nominally playing in midfield -- but there's not a whole lot else going on. Adrian Mutu had some flashes where he looked good, but I suspect he's a bit distracted by the issues in his personal life right now. And anyway, this whole approach worked for Greece last time, so who knows.

France, on the other hand, seemed to be trying to turn this from the group of death into the group of soul-crushing ennui. They're desperately missing the kind of creativity they used to get from Zinedine Zidane. I'm not sure that playing two defensively minded midfielders was really necessary against a team like Romania -- not that starting Patrick Vieira instead would have helped that much, but Samir Nasri probably should have come on much earlier. Franck Ribery just can't do it all on his own. Nicolas Anelka was even more useless than Thierry Henry usually is in big games, and next to him up front, Karim Benzema was mostly shooting over the bar from 30 yards out. At least he was trying. The defenders didn't have a whole lot to do, but I think the fullbacks could've gotten forward more to beef up the attack.

Still, this could turn out to be like the last World Cup, when France limped through their group but made it all the way to the final -- or it could be like 2002, when they went out at the group stage without scoring a single goal.


Next up in Group C: Italy v. Romania and France v. Netherlands, both on Friday

Bad hair of the day award: Italy's Gianluigi Buffon, for that bizarre headband thing and the ensuing mushroom 'do. (Poor Gigi, it just wasn't his day.)

Euro 2008 Preview: Group C

France, Italy, Netherlands, Romania

Ah yes, the infamous group of death. Italy and France – the World Cup champions and runners-up, respectively – also met in the qualifying stages, and they've been matched up yet again here. Both teams are packed with talent from front to back, and they'll probably be the ones to get out of the group stage, but you can't discount the other two teams either. Romania did very well in qualifying, while the Dutch would be one of the favourites in any other group and just happen to be one of the top four seeds, thanks to the vagaries of UEFA coefficients.

FRANCE
FIFA rank: 7
Odds of winning: 15-2
Coach: Raymond Domenech
How they got here: Finished second in their qualifying group, just edging out Scotland – despite losing to the Scots twice
Past record: Lost to Greece in the quarter-finals at Euro 2004; finished second at the 2006 World Cup
Questions to ask:

• Can they find the right balance between youth and experience? (Karim Benzema vs. Thierry Henry; Patrick Vieira vs. Jeremy Toulalan, etc., etc.)
  
• Will Raymond Domenech regret leaving behind players like David Trezeguet or Philippe Mexes?
  
• Is Franck Ribery really the new Zidane?

Why to cheer for them: You like to pick players based on their astrological signs. (No Scorpios, please!)

ITALY
FIFA rank: 3
Odds of winning: 7-1
Coach: Roberto Donadoni
How they got here: Struggled initially in qualifying, but ended up topping their group, ahead of France
Past record: Finished third in their group at Euro 2004; 2006 World Cup champions
Questions to ask:

• How much will the loss of captain Fabio Cannavaro hurt them? And isn't it dangerous to rely on Marco Materazzi to hold your defence together?
  
• What kind of formation will they go with, and will it mean too many square pegs in round holes? (Alex del Piero, I'm looking at you.)
  
• Will they rue bringing nutcase Antonio Cassano when he throws a wobbly in the middle of a game and gets sent off?

Why to cheer for them: Love them or hate them, they do know how to win. Plus, it would piss off the French.

NETHERLANDS
FIFA rank: 10
Odds of winning: 12-1
Coach: Marco van Basten
How they got here: Qualified easily, but ended up second in their group behind Romania
Past record: Lost to Portugal in the semi-finals at Euro 2004, and again in the Round of 16 at the 2006 World Cup
Questions to ask:

• Can they get through the whole tournament without fighting with each other?
  
• Will the move away from their traditional 4-3-3 to a set-up with two defensive midfielders work? Especially since they have no real defense to speak of?
  
• Why does Ruud van Nistelrooy look so much like a horse? (Van Persie, too, come to think of it.)

Why to cheer for them: Despite supposedly being so good, they've never really won anything, so they're due.

ROMANIA
FIFA Rank: 12
Odds of winning: 40-1
Coach: Victor Piturca
How they got here: Finished top of their qualifying group
Past record: Didn't qualify for Euro 2004 or the 2006 World Cup – this is their first major tournament since 2000
Questions to ask:

• They beat the Netherlands head-to-head in qualifying; can they do it again?
  
• Can former cokehead Adrian Mutu keep up the good form he's shown with Fiorentina this season?
  
• Really, do they have a hope in hell of getting out of the group?

Why to cheer for them: You're hoping for someone to play the spoiler and knock one of the so-called big teams out.

Going out with a bang

At least it was a memorable game, from Thierry "Victorian maiden" Henry needing smelling salts to Zinedine Zidane being sent off to end his footballing career.

In between there was a penalty that shouldn't have been given but was, a penalty that should have been given but wasn't, a dynamite header from Materazzi -- to make up for conceding the penalty -- and another Italian goal being disallowed for offside. And every once in a while some decent football broke out. The referee, Elizondo, even managed to keep his cards in his pocket for the most part, despite players crumpling to the ground à la Cristiano Ronaldo all over the pitch.

But the only thing people will really remember is that head-butt. You have to wonder just what Materazzi said to Zidane to set him off. I assume it must have been pretty nasty, but nobody's really talking. And regardless, reacting like that is just stupid. It's the World Cup final, Zidane is 10 minutes away from possibly lifting the trophy as the final act of his footballing career, and instead he gets sent off for a moment of such blinding idiocy that even Wayne Rooney would say, "I think you've lost the plot there, mon ami." (This is assuming that Rooney knows any French, which probably is asking too much.)

Anyway, now the rumours are swirling around about what was said and why he did it. Who knows, really. Maybe Zidane figured that if Figo could get away with it, so could he. Maybe he was just having a nic fit.

And just to add the final touch of absurdity, Zizou has won the Golden Ball. Which just goes to show that voting on these awards before the final game is over is kind of dumb. Well done to FIFA for that one. Pouting and winking apparently disqualifies you from winning the Best Young Player award, but head-butting someone is peachy keen.

Despite all the drama, I'm glad that Italy won -- if for no other reason than the fact that their celebration was so incredibly gay. I thought that France were the better team in this game, but Italy were better over the tournament as a whole. (But weren't they supposed to be crap at penalties? What happened to that?)

World Cup Semi-finals

Germany 0-2 Italy
Deutschland, Deutschland über...uh, nobody, actually.

I decided to cheer for Germany after England got knocked out (I'm half German, so it's allowed), and of course that was the kiss of death, as they promptly went down to Italy. Maybe I should have been rooting for Portugal instead.

Still, despite my chosen team losing, it was a great game. And if only the Germans hadn't been collectively possessed by the spirit of Frank Lampard, they might have won. Or, you know, if they had managed not to self-destruct so spectacularly in the last minute of extra time. On the other side you had the evil genius of the Italians, who knew they only needed one goal to win it, and didn't seem that bothered about going to extra time because they figured they'd knick one sooner or later. That second goal was an uncharacteristic extravagance, though -- shouldn't they have been saving it for the final?

• Best player: Fabio Cannavaro, aka the reason the Italian defense is so good. Probably the best player of the tournament so far. (And he doesn't look so bad in his underwear either. I'm just saying.)
  
  
• Best illustration of the fact that goalkeepers are nuts: Jens Lehmann coming way out to collect a stray ball, clocking Fabio Grosso in the process, and then looking down at him disdainfully as the physio came on, all, "Get this riff-raff out of my penalty area."
  
  
• Best dive: Michael Ballack. One of the Italians waved his arm vaguely near Ballack's face, he went down quicker than one of those prostitutes they imported for the tournament, and the ref wisely ignored the whole thing.
  
  
• Best pout: Ballack again. (If he stuck his lip out any further, he'd trip over it. I thought the Germans were supposed to be too Teutonic-ly stoic to pout like that.)

France 1-0 Diving Wankers Portugal
Silly me, somehow I had the idea that the semi-final games were supposed to be exciting. Not this one -- especially not once Zidane had scored. (I'd actually nodded off at that point, but I woke up when the commentators started yelling about a penalty.) After that, it was like France figured Portugal wasn't ever going to put together a proper attack, so they could spend the rest of the game just playing around in midfield, coddling Zizou through to the final and occasionally giving the ball to Ribery to run at the Portuguese defence, just to give the kid something to do.

Portugal's response to all this? Luis Felipe Scolari, master tactician that he is, decided that the best thing to do when you really need a goal is to take off your one and only striker. (Somewhere in Sweden, Sven-Goran Eriksson is thinking, "Damn, I wish I'd thought of that one!") And yeah, it worked about as well as you'd expect. Luckily I'd had a lot of caffeine at half-time so I could stay conscious for the rest of the game.

• Best player: Despite the commentators practically fellating Zizou, I'm going to give it to a defender again, in this case Lilian Thuram. If you've got Eric Abidal in your back line, you've got to be good. Runner-up was Cristiano Ronaldo, who was actually Portugal's most dangerous attacker when he managed to stay vertical.
  
  
• Best illustration of the fact that goalkeepers are nuts: Fabien Barthez punching a free kick straight up in the air and then flailing around helplessly as Figo headed it over the bar. Actually, Fabien Barthez, period.
  
  
• Best dive: Thierry Henry, taking time out from his busy schedule of being caught offside and shrugging Gallic-ly in order to fall down in the 18-yard box. (Yeah, ok, it was a foul, but he still made a meal of it.) Ronaldo tried hard, but he forgot that it helps if the other player actually touches you.
  
  
• Best pout: Poor widdle Ronniecakes takes this one. Who else, really?

World Cup Quarter-finals

The quarter-final matches that didn't make me want to stab anyone, that is...

Germany 1-1 Argentina (Germany wins 4-2 on penalties)
Let's say you're managing Argentina in the World Cup, and you've currently got a slim 1-0 lead over Germany in the quarter-finals. You've got Messi, Aimar and Saviola -- among others -- on the bench. What do you do?

Most of us would probably think, "This German team has been pretty good offensively so far. I don't think a one-goal lead is going to be enough. Their defence, on the other hand, is kind of shaky -- seeing as it mostly involves being tall and blond -- so let's see if we can score another one."

If you're Jose Pekerman, on the other hand, you take a page from Sven Goran Erikson's Big Book of Management Fuck-ups and pull off your main playmaker in favour of a defensive midfielder.

Which worked brilliantly, because Germany promptly went out and equalized.

So Pekerman fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go up against Germany on penalties when the World Cup is on the line.

(Did you see the pictures of Oliver Kahn hugging Jens Lehmann after the penalty shoot-out? Please tell me I'm not the only one who found that more than a little terrifying.)


Brazil 0-1 France
Somebody should've reminded Brazil that you have to do more than just show up to win the World Cup, no matter how bonito your joga is supposed to be. They never got out of second gear, whereas France has finally shaken off their first-round apathy and totally outclassed the Brazilians in this match.

I still think Thierry Henry needs to spend a little less time complaining about diving and a little more time studying the offside rule, but nevertheless I hope that France knocks those cheating Portuguese wankers out in the next round.


Italy 3-0 Ukraine
Italy, also, are stepping up their performance at just the right time. Admittedly, they had the easiest of all the quarter-final draws, but the Italians looked pretty solid. Their semi-final match with Germany should be fantastic. (Either that, or a deadly nil-nil draw.) As for Ukraine: thanks for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts for you.

World Cup, part deux

World Cup Hair Watch:

• Czech Republic substitute Jan Polak made a valiant effort to challenge for the Bad Hair Award, but the combination fauxhawk-mullet is sadly played out. Yes, already.
  
• I think we may have to declare a winner, actually, after seeing the wonderfully named Loco of Angola, who's shaved his entire head except for a braided fringe at the front. It's sort of reminiscent of Ronaldo in 2002, but much, much worse.
  
• Francesco Totti, meanwhile, has cut his hair and is practically unrecognizable (meaning, I almost find him attractive now).
  
• And Liverpool fans will be relieved to note that Harry Kewell has cut off his stupid ponytail, which is a vast improvement. He also managed to make it through all 90 minutes of yesterday's game without crumpling with a groin injury -- maybe all that hair was weighing him down before?

Other burning questions:

• Are they really playing "Go West" by the Pet Shop Boys at the end of every match? Why, for the love of god, why?
  
• If the players are complaining about the weather being too hot, why are half of them wearing long-sleeved shirts? I know footballers aren't supposed to be that bright, but come on. Also, Cristiano Ronaldo seemed to have cut slits in the sleeves of his jersey, for no apparent reason other than to make himself look like a bigger prat than usual.
  
• Speaking of perplexing team uniforms, why did Puma design kits for the Azzurri that make them look like they've got permanent pit stains?

Oh, yeah, there were some football matches too.

• Serbia & Montenegro 0-1 Holland: Arjen Robben is a prick, but damn if he can't play football when he wants to. It's infuriating, actually. As for Serbia & Montenegro (soon to be just Serbia), their defence was solid enough to keep the Oranje out for the most part, but I don't think their attack is good enough to take them deep into the tournament.
  
  
• Mexico 3-1 Iran: The 3-1 scoreline makes this game sound a lot more exciting than it actually was. I mean, it wasn't as bad as England-Paraguay or anything, but then again neither is my rec league.
  
  
• Angola 0-1 Portugal: Angola seemed to have stage fright for the first five minutes or so, but after that they settled down and stopped making Portugal look nearly so good (or, at least, they stopped letting Figo, who is not exactly known for his pace, burst past their defenders). Best moment of the match: the commentator noting, when Cristiano Ronaldo got substituted, that he looked like he was "about to throw his teddy bear out of the pram."
  
  
• USA 0-3 Czech Republic: I am a little too gleeful about this one. The Czechs played very well -- they might even justify their #2 FIFA ranking -- but the USA at #5 is a joke. The Americans had plenty of possession but never looked dangerous when they got near the goal. In other news, Arsene Wenger now looks like a genius for buying Tomas Rosicky, and Bruce Arena somehow doesn't even have to open his mouth for me to want to smack him in the face.
  
  
• Italy 2-0 Ghana: Michael Essien was much more impressive for Ghana than he has been so far for Chelsea -- possibly because he didn't spend the entire game either trying to cover for Frank Lampard or making ugly tackles. Italy looked fairly solid -- based on their play, they seem to be doing a good job of ignoring the match-fixing scandal -- but their strikers aren't quite clicking, as you can tell by the fact that it took a Steven-Gerrard-to-Thierry-Henry-esque backpass to give them the second goal.
  
  
• Australia 3-1 Japan: How much do you wish that Guus Hiddink was going to be the next England coach? Now this is a man who knows how to use substitutes to turn a game around.