Premiership Weekend Roundup: August 23-24

Manchester United 1-0 Portsmouth
Ok, now I feel like the season has started properly. I was quite happy to have missed last weekend's games and particularly United starting off by drawing at home to Newcastle. I know that they drew against Reading to start things off last year, and still won the league, but come on. In other news, Darren Fletcher is currently United's leading -- and only -- scorer. My brain is still having trouble processing that.

But I am becoming more reconciled to the idea of their signing Dimitar Berbatov. It's been blatantly obvious that they need a striker, and I didn't have a really good reason for not wanting it to be him. So what the hell. He can sulk around all he wants up front if it means that they score a few more goals. Because you can't expect Fletcher to do it all on his own, after all.

(This also match reminded me of one of the things I missed this summer, namely Nemanja Vidic flinging himself into headers and coming away all bloody. I do like that.)


Liverpool 2-1 Middlesbrough
Liverpool were not exactly convincing this week or last (a narrow 1-0 victory over Sunderland). But I don't really care. Two games, two wins, six points, thank you very much. Last time it was Fernando Torres popping up with a late winner, this time it was the man himself, Steven Gerrard, with a screamer in stoppage time. Plus the bonus of a goal from Jamie Carragher of all people. I can recognize that Carra isn't quite the player that he was a couple years ago, but I still hate to think of him not being in the team week in, week out. Even with the attraction of Daniel Agger coming in to replace him.

You know what Liverpool could really use, though? Wingers. I have been saying this for ages now, and maybe eventually Rafa will listen to me. I live in hope. Buying Robbie Keane is fine and all, but it would be nice to have more than two players that Xabi Alonso can pass to. (Unless Rafa decides to play Gerrard on the left, a la Fabio Capello. You never know.) And speaking of midfielders, apparently the Gareth Barry deal is dead, and I for one couldn't be happier about it.


Other results

• Chelsea 1-0 Wigan - Deco is certainly off to a great start in a Chelsea start, pulling the strings in their 4-0 stomping of Portsmouth and picking up another goal here. I do have a bizarre affection for him, though; must remind myself that he's evil now.
  
  
• Fulham 1-0 Arsenal - The Gunners beat West Brom last week thanks to a goal from Samir Nasri, but apparently Fulham were just too much of a challenge. This is what happens when half your midfield leaves, Arsene.
  
  
• Sunderland 2-1 Tottenham - Spurs are still without a point, after they lost their game against Boro last week.
  
  
• Newcastle 1-0 Bolton - Newcastle are apparently scoring all their goals this year via headers from diminutive strikers.
  
  
• Manchester City 3-0 West Ham - City had a terrible time of it last week, losing to Villa and getting thumped in the UEFA Cup. Fortunately, they had West Ham waiting to beat up on.
  
  
• Stoke 3-2 Aston Villa - Stoke recovered from their first-week defeat to Bolton in a back-and-forth game against Villa, who are not defending any better this season than last.
  
  
• Blackburn 1-1 Hull - Blackburn are off to a decent start, with four points from their first two games -- but so, somewhat surprisingly, are Hull.
  
  
• Everton 2-1 West Brom - You wouldn't have picked West Brom to be the one promoted team without a win, would you? Me neither.

The magic of the FA Cup...or not.

I would like to tell you that this year's FA Cup Final was a riveting match that encapsulated all that's best about the game, but that would be a big fat lie. I watched with a few of my teammates, and we were all more interested in rehashing our own game from the night before than watching Portsmouth and Cardiff swat ineffectually at each other. I suppose it was still better than the Manchester United-Chelsea bore-off the year before, but that's not really saying much.

Portsmouth obviously had more quality in the their lineup than Cardiff did, and they were largely controlling the play through midfield. Cardiff did a decent job of containing them, but it didn't seem like they particularly cared about winning the game themselves. And it still came down to just one goal for Portsmouth -- through a goalkeeping blunder, but not even a really good one like the keeper accidentally throwing the ball into his own net.

I don't know, it was all just a bit flat, and it certainly didn't help that Fox kept cutting away to commercials instead of showing any of the pre-match stuff or more than about 15 seconds of the trophy being handed over. So much for match atmosphere. (Well, we did get plenty of shots of that fugly shirtless fan with the braids, but I for one could have done without that.)

More enjoyable, at least in my opinion: Toronto FC versus Columbus on Saturday afternoon. Yes, even though it ended scoreless. And even though Guillermo Schelotto is a diving, whiny asshole who embodies every negative stereotype of Latin players. It's a bit disappointing that Toronto couldn't win, but a nil-nil draw is a decent result against the top team in the league. And I didn't get rained on; what more can you ask for, really?

Seriously, though, having been to BMO Field a few times in the past month, it's starting to feel much more homey to me. It's a nice, friendly little stadium to watch a game in. (And my own team gets to play there this weekend, which is going to be kind of cool.)

FA Cup Quarter-finals

Manchester United 0-1 Portsmouth
Well, bugger. Somehow you could just tell that this wasn't meant to go United's way. From that early penalty shout to the endless missed chances to their keeper being sent off, it was like they were jinxed.

The shove by Distin on Ronaldo was one of those incidents where, as everyone says, if it had been outside the box it would've been a free kick. In which case it should have been a penalty. I think, also, that if it had happened a bit later in the game, the referee might have given it, but because it was so early, he just didn't have the balls to make that call.

Getting that penalty and a goal might have helped United by forcing Portsmouth to come out and opening up the game, but regardless they still had more than enough chances to score and just couldn't put the ball in the net. Portsmouth had a few decent chances too, before their penalty, but overall United were thoroughly dominant and only denied by a combination of unfortunate finishing and some mind-boggling goal-line clearances.

The decisive moment came in the 77th minute, when Tomasz Kuszczak -- who'd replaced Edwin Van der Sar at half-time -- rushed off his line to take down Milan Baros. The red card may have been harsh, since there were two men back defending and they got the penalty anyway, but more than that I'd say it was a foolish challenge. I mean, come on, it's Baros: the odds are in your favour if you just let him take the shot.

Anyway, Rio Ferdinand went in goal to face the penalty, and he did guess the right direction but didn't get close to making the save. It was all over after that, try as United might. The FA Cup was admittedly their third priority this season, but it's still disappointing not to have a chance at that trophy -- or the treble -- anymore.

But at least they're in good company. Barnsley, this year's official giant-killers, followed up their defeat of Liverpool in the last round by knocking out Chelsea. Last year's winners, like United, put out a pretty solid team, but unlike United they simply didn't play well, and Barnsley outworked them to earn the win. In the other two matches, Cardiff eliminated the only other Premiership team, beating a thoroughly mediocre Middlesbrough, and West Brom defeated Bristol Rovers in the only game that wasn't an upset.

Actually, I think that United getting knocked out here wasn't such a bad thing, because if they'd lost to one of these other teams later on, everybody would have mocked them, and if they'd won the whole thing, everybody would have despised them (despised them more, I suppose). Getting rid of the big teams may be bad news for the clubs like Aston Villa that had been chasing the UEFA Cup spots -- because it's not spots, plural, anymore, it's just one spot -- but I think it's brilliant for the FA Cup as a competition. I will be cheering for Barnsley from this point on, if you're interested.

Other results
Barnsley 1-0 Chelsea
Bristol Rovers 1-5 West Brom
Middlesbrough 0-2 Cardiff

Semi-finals
Portsmouth v West Brom
Cardiff v Barnsley

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 3-4

Arsenal 2-2 Manchester United
If you'd offered me a draw beforehand, I would have snatched at it -- especially with United having lost this same fixture last year. But having come so close to winning, only to have it slip away at the last moment, it's impossible not to be a bit disappointed. I was happy with the way United played for the most part, though. They worked hard to close down Arsenal and didn't let them get into their fluid passing, and although they sometimes found it hard to establish a rhythm of their own, I think United had the better chances in the first half. And Wayne Rooney pounced on one of those half-chances just before halftime, turning in Ronaldo's cross off William Gallas at the near post.

But Arsenal equalized just after the break, with Edwin Van der Sar stopping Emmanuel Adebayor's shot after a flowing forward move, only for the rebound to be played out to Cesc Fabregas, whose finish took advantage of the keeper being out of position. Neither team seemed content to settle for a draw, though, with Arsenal bringing on Theo Walcott, and United countering that with Louis Saha and Michael Carrick in place of Carlos Tevez and Anderson. (Anderson, incidentally, had another good game; he may not have the guile of Paul Scholes in midfield -- at least not yet -- but he does offer the advantage of actually being able to tackle without getting booked for it.) It looked as if United's substitutions would win them the game, Saha playing a lovely reverse pass to Patrice Evra, who squared the ball for Cristiano Ronaldo to slot home. But there was a nervy end to the match for United, including Evra spooning the ball just over his own crossbar, and it ended with a stoppage-time scramble in the box, Gallas atoning for his earlier own-goal with an excellent finish; Van der Sar cleared the ball, but it had already crossed the line and the linesman rightly (much as I hate to say it) signaled the goal.

Speaking of the officials: I think Sir Alex is overreacting by claiming they were biased towards Arsenal, but I nevertheless would have liked it if Howard Webb could have refrained from whistling the play dead every 30 seconds and just let them play. Still, it was an exciting game, and it leaves things too close to call between these two teams; it's impossible to predict who's going to come out on top in the end.


Blackburn 0-0 Liverpool
Liverpool are, along with Arsenal, the only undefeated teams in the Premiership so far. But that's about all they have in common at the moment. Away to Blackburn is always a tricky match, but Liverpool looked very laboured here, lacking the kind of attacking creativity that they need if they're going to challenge for the title this year (or, for that matter, if they're going to get any farther in the Champions League). I understand that Rafa likes hard-working players, but that doesn't necessarily preclude players with flair as well -- you just have to look at the lineups in the Arsenal-United match to see that. Liverpool played the same 4-2-3-1 formation as last week, but with Ryan Babel and Yossi Benayoun on the wings -- a change that I actually prefer, although they did both have an unfortunate tendency to creep in towards the middle too much, rather than using the space to spread the play out.

With Fernando Torres injured and Andriy Voronin's wife having gone into labour, Dirk Kuyt was on his own up front and...well, he tried hard. But he just didn't seem to know what to do once he'd gotten into the 18-yard box. It was the sort of headless chicken display unhappily reminiscent of Milan Baros, except without the pace. The moment that stood out the most was Steven Gerrard, supporting the play, steaming into the box only for Kuyt to dribble the ball tamely into the keeper. I also have to wonder what Peter Crouch has done that means Rafa doesn't trust him anymore, because Liverpool did look much better once he and Harry Kewell came on, forcing a couple of good saves from Brad Friedel. Maybe if they'd been brought on earlier, Liverpool could have picked up all three points and closed the gap on the teams above them. As it is, though, they should just be thankful that Jamie Carragher continues his charmed life, not conceding a penalty despite going in to block a shot with his arms up over his head.


Wigan 0-2 Chelsea
With Chelsea in form right now and Wigan emphatically not, the scoreline was pretty predictable. The only thing mildly surprising, actually, was that Didier Drogba wasn't one of the goal-scorers for Chelsea. He was involved in the first goal, though, feeding the ball out to Shaun Wright-Phillips to run at the defenders and sent a curling ball across behind the Wigan back line for Frank Lampard to run onto and score. (And let me just mention that his goal celebration makes me want to hit him in the face.) Wright-Phillips contributed to the second goal, too, keeping the ball from going out for a throw and feeding Juliano Belletti, who sauntered forward with the defenders backing away, and eventually saw his long-distance shot swerve past Chris Kirkland into the net. That was it; 2-0 after 20 minutes was essentially game over. So there was no goal-fest like Chelsea had against Manchester City last weekend, although I suppose that's small consolation for Wigan.

Newcastle 1-4 Portsmouth
I imagine that Shay Given is sitting at home right now being grateful that he was injured for this game. Having Sam Allardyce as a manager has apparently not made Newcastle's defense any less porous, and they were three goals down after 12 minutes. Maybe it was hard to fault them for the first goal, a left-footed screamer from Noe Pamarot, but the next two were almost entirely due to Cacapa doing his best impression of a pylon to allow first Benjani and then Utaku to score. It was so bad that he was hauled off the pitch shortly thereafter. Newcastle did manage to pull one back, with Michael Owen's shot ricocheting into the net off David James and Sol Campbell, but they were unable to score the second goal that might have made this a close contest. In the end it was Portsmouth who scored again, from Nico Kranjcar's free kick, thanks to -- once again -- some lax Newcastle defending.


Other results
Aston Villa 2-0 Derby
Everton 3-1 Birmingham
Fulham 3-1 Reading
Middlesbrough 1-1 Tottenham
West Ham 1-1 Bolton

Premiership Weekend Roundup: September 1-2

Manchester United 1-0 Sunderland
Like the game against Tottenham last week, once again United had a buttload of possession but couldn't do much with it. Once again, they didn't play all that well but still managed to squeak out a win. Sunderland played much better than the week before against Liverpool, when they seemed to be overawed by the occasion. I didn't think Sunderland were ever likely to score this week, but they did look very likely to stop United doing so. Last year, even if the other team scored first, I didn't worry, because I figured that United would just go out and score more; this year, I don't have that same confidence in their ability to find goals.

If we've learned anything from the past couple weeks, it's that Carlos Tevez cannot play up front on his own. I don't have a problem with the 4-2-3-1 formation, actually; the problem is that you need a different sort of player as the 1. Alan Smith, for example, may be a less talented footballer than Tevez, but he was more effective last year playing with his back to goal, whereas on Saturday Tevez just dropped deeper into the midfield and ended up being invisible.

So: How good is Louis Saha looking right now? He made all the difference when he came on at halftime, not only scoring the goal -- and he'd almost scored before that, a beautiful turn and volley that unfortunately went right at the keeper -- but opening up the play so that the rest of the team had room to manouevre. I'm still not convinced that he's going to stay fit, though. Also not convincing: Chris Eagles in midfield. NOT TO MENTION THE SCULPTURED MONSTROSITY THAT IS HIS HAIR.


Liverpool 6-0 Derby
Oh, wow. That was fucking awesome. And yes, I know that Derby are very very bad, but Liverpool are also looking very very good. Fernando Torres, in particular, has responded to all those people (me included) who wondered whether he'd be able to adapt to the Premiership by saying, essentially: Bitch, please. Aside from the goals, and the link-up play, and the passing, you know what I like about him? I'd read comments criticizing him for diving and whatnot, and maybe he does fall down a little too easily, but there's no whining to the referee if he doesn't get the call. It's a foul in Spain, but it's not here. Right, on with the game.

The team doesn't appear to be missing Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher at all. Despite bringing in quite a few new players over the summer, they've gelled well so far. Actually, one of the things I liked best about the game this week was seeing Xabi Alonso get forward more -- if it had been Gerrard instead of Mascherano partnering him in midfield, you'd never have seen him on the edge of the box to score his second goal. Chances are it would have been Stevie G there instead, but that's not the point. The point is that I *heart* Xabi, and I would dearly love for those people talking about how he's been in a slump to just shut up.

Sorry about that; rant over. Let me finish by pointing out a few other good things in the wake of this game:

• Ryan Babel's goal. Babel's been hit-or-miss so far -- lots of skill, but he too often gets stuck in dead ends -- but the little shimmy to take the defenders out of the play and send the keeper the wrong way was sublime.
  
• Another goal for Andriy "Shevchenko who?" Voronin.
  
• Liverpool are top of the league, and look at their goal difference: nine for, two against. And those two goals against were both from penalties.

Aston Villa 2-0 Chelsea
Now I remember why I like Villa! And no, it's not just my random affection for Gareth Barry. It's the way they keep taking points off Chelsea. Say what you will about Martin O'Neill, but he's got Jose Mourinho's number. Villa did a good job of stifling Chelsea's midfield, and then using their pace to counterattack quickly. As for Chelsea, how much do they miss Frank Lampard? The thing is, though, that when I've seen him play this season, Lampard hasn't seemed to do very much. So I'm not actually sure what the explanation is for Chelsea's current haphazard play. I suppose you could put the blame on the staggeringly hideous combination of those retina-scorchingly yellow away kits and Jose Mourinho's combed-back new hair. Why he wants to suddenly look 10 years older is beyond me, but maybe he's been gazing jealously at Rafa Benitez's goatee and decided that the route to success involves radical new choices in follicular management.


Arsenal 3-1 Portsmouth
Last year I picked Cesc Fabregas for my fantasy football pool. He scored four goals all season, and I got royally screwed. This year I didn't bother entering the pool, and he's already scored four in half a dozen games. The little brat. The rest of the team around him is looking pretty good too, although perhaps not quite as good as the commentary team made them out to be; I can't be bothered looking up who it was, but they very nearly had an orgasm in the booth. Still, it's hard not to admire a team that can play a man down for almost half the game, and make it look like it's the other way around. I do feel bad for Philippe Senderos and his droopy bulldog face, though. Poor thing. It's not his fault that he's kind of clumsy; he's brainy, after all, and everybody knows that there's an inverse correlation between grace on the pitch and the ability to read books without pictures.


Other results
Blackburn 1-2 Manchester City
Bolton 1-2 Everton
Fulham 3-3 Tottenham
Middlesbrough 2-0 Birmingham
Newcastle 1-0 Wigan
Reading 0-3 West Ham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: April 28-29

Mourinho, are you listening?
You'd better keep our trophy glistening.
We're coming in May to take it away...

Why, yes, I am still all gloaty today. Deal with it.

Everton 2 - 4 Manchester United
Four. That's the magic number: the number of points that Manchester United have to pick up, or Chelsea have to drop, for United to clinch the title. Four points over three games.

It wasn't looking good for United at halftime. They were down 1-0 after a deflected free kick -- and hadn't been playing well enough to suggest they were going to get back in the game -- while at Stamford Bridge, Chelsea were beating Bolton 2-1. And it got even worse when they gave up a second goal just after the restart. And then sent in Kieran Richardson.

The turnaround was sparked by Everton's third-string keeper, Iain Turner -- only playing because of the terms of Tim Howard's loan -- spilling a corner right in front of John O'Shea. Who has apparently become some sort of crucial-goal-scoring predator, which is freaking me out more than a little. That was followed by an own goal from Phil Neville -- just to feed Mourinho's paranoid fantasies. After that it was all United. They looked like a completely different team for the last half-hour or so, with Ronaldo coming off the bench, and Scholes and Giggs taking control in midfield. Those 30 minutes of football may well turn out to be the most crucial of their whole season.


Chelsea 2 - 2 Bolton
How much did I love all those shots of the unhappy Chelsea fans? That was priceless.

I watched this game after the United-Everton one, so I already knew the result and I could just enjoy the schadenfreude. Mourinho was clearly attempting to rest a few players for the Champions League, and initially appeared to be working okay. Although they went behind early, they were up 2-1 by halftime thanks to two goals from Salomon Kalou (one of those technically an own goal by Jaskelainen). And then it all fell apart, and their title hopes most probably disappeared too. Even bringing Lampard, Drogba and Joe Cole all off the bench wasn't enough for the win, as the intrepid John Terry conceded a free kick in a dangerous position, and Kevin Davies was left totally unmarked to head home the equalizer. And I laughed.

The other blow to Chelsea -- aside from dropping three points -- was losing Carvalho to injury after half an hour. It seems that Mourinho would prefer to publicly make out with Rafa Benitez rather than play Khalid Boulahrouz, which means it's going to be Essien at centre-back again on Tuesday. That's a defensive weakness that Liverpool may be able to exploit, just as they did when they beat Chelsea in the league back in January. On the other hand, effectively conceding the Premiership title means that Chelsea will be totally focused on winning the Champions League now.


Portsmouth 2 - 1 Liverpool
This, right here? This is why Jerzy Dudek doesn't get picked anymore.

In addition to playing Dudek instead of Pepe Reina, Rafa rested almost his entire first XI. It was Xabi Alonso and the B-team, and poor Xabi looked awfully frustrated to be out there with the reserves. He even got booked for...I'm not really sure what. Being cranky, maybe.

So, yeah, it wasn't a great game for Liverpool. The defense was clearly not used to playing with each other; the Liverpool offside trap is normally a thing of beauty, but here it was a total mess for both Portsmouth goals. And nothing was working up front, either. They got better in the second half -- although it took Sami Hyypia to score their only goal -- but it didn't make much different and I don't think they'll care much about the result, as long as they can win on Tuesday.


Other results
Arsenal 3 - 1 Fulham
Blackburn 4 - 1 Charlton
Manchester City 0 - 2 Aston Villa
Middlesbrough 2 - 3 Tottenham
Sheffield United 1 - 0 Watford
Wigan 0 - 3 West Ham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: April 6-7

Portsmouth 2 - 1 Manchester United
What the hell, United. WHAT THE HELL.

Yes, they're making me all yelly again. Sorry. But they basically shot themselves in the foot against Portsmouth. The same Portsmouth team, let me point out, that just went out today and got beat 4-2 by Watford.

After the game, Sir Alex claimed they were tired from playing a man down for an hour against Roma earlier in the week. And they did look sluggish. Cristiano Ronaldo certainly didn't have one of his best games -- it was one of those days where things just weren't coming off for him. But that doesn't excuse Darren Fletcher and Kieran Richardson, who should have been fresh but instead were just crap. Richardson was caught in possession to lead to the first Portsmouth goal, but it was compounded by a series of errors from Rio Ferdinand, who got muscled off the ball by Matthew Taylor, and Edwin van der Sar, who parried Benjani's shot down into his path -- agonizingly similar to the first goal against Roma. I know neither of those was an easy stop to make, but if you're supposed to be one of the best keepers in the world, you're also supposed to do better than just whacking the ball straight at an opposing player.

As for Rio, who fucked up yet again later in the game to gift Pompey their second goal with the world's worst back-pass (Gary Neville will be pleased to relinquish his title, at least), I would just like to remind him of the cardinal rule of defending: CLEAR THE FUCKING BALL. Simple, right? Something even his little pea-sized brain ought to be able to remember.

At the other end of the pitch, meanwhile, Portsmouth were doing an excellent job of showing up United's shortcomings, with Linvoy Primus making a couple of fantastic tackles on Wayne Rooney and David James pulling off several great saves -- although he also spilled an easy shot that let John O'Shea pull one back for United.

Y'all had better hope that they win tomorrow, or I'm going to be frothing at the mouth all over here. Just warning you in advance.


Reading 1 - 2 Liverpool
I was a bit surprised by the lineup, but it looked like Rafa was resting some players for the second leg against PSV. Yeah, the one they're currently leading 3-0. But then, Liverpool of all teams know that a three-goal lead is never entirely safe.

Reading, as usual, looked lively, pinning Liverpool back in their own end for periods of the game. But the Reds didn't panic and they eventually got the three points, after a couple smart substitutions, with Jermaine Pennant and Dirk Kuyt coming off the bench to combine for the winning goal. Bringing on Pennant was especially important, I think, because although Stevie G was nominally playing on the right up until then, he was doing his usual thing where he just sort of stampedes all over the pitch, leaving them essentially without a winger. They've really got to fix that in the summer, because I suspect that Rafa doesn't think Pennant is good enough.

Pleasant surprise: the opening goal from Alvaro Arbeloa, playing out of position at left-back again. It's reassuring to see him performing well there, especially now that Aurelio is injured, because I don't quite trust Riise defensively. So the versatility is welcome, on top of providing some back-up for Steve Finnan and his bionic legs.


Chelsea 1 - 0 Tottenham
I knew I never liked Ricardo Carvalho and his stupid floppy perm. Bah.

Right, so, Chelsea have narrowed the gap with United to three points. Bully for them. They still don't look like champions to me. They don't look like winning much of anything other than the Carling Cup this year, actually. Probably that's sour grapes on my part, but my point is that even that grudging admiration I had for them when they were grinding out mediocre wins before is gone now.

(Also, I am so tired of Frank Lampard and his hotpants. Seriously. WHY.)

Other results
Arsenal 0 - 1 West Ham
Blackburn 1 - 2 Aston Villa
Middlesbrough 4 - 1 Watford
Sheffield United 1 - 2 Newcastle
Wigan 1 - 3 Bolton
Everton 4 - 1 Fulham
Manchester City 0 - 0 Charlton

FA Cup 4th Round: Manchester United 2 - 1 Portsmouth

Mike Riley and his assistant referees should be very grateful to Wayne Rooney today, because his two goals saved them from having a couple of bad decisions subjected to quite as much scrutiny as they would otherwise be receiving.

The first one was the header from Nemanja Vidic, which Pedro Mendes hooked clear -- albeit only after it was clearly across the line. You could argue, of course, that this was simply a example of karma in action. But nevertheless, it's going to revive the endless debate about the use of goal-line technology.

The second was Henrik Larsson's volley, which was disallowed for offside. This one was a much closer call, but I think the referees got it one wrong as well. It looks to me like he's onside -- or if there's any part of his body that's ahead of the defender, it's his arm, which doesn't count (and yes, I looked that up in the rules, because I'm a dork like that).

So Manchester United had already scored two perfectly good goals but had nothing to show for their efforts when Rooney came on for the last half-hour of the match. Maybe he was invigorated by having a bit of a rest -- or, more likely, he was annoyed at having started on the bench -- but whatever the reason, he went out and scored twice in the space of about five minutes. The first goal came from a pass from Ryan Giggs -- who'd seemed to spend the whole game dribbling down the wing and then crossing the ball into the exact wrong spot. But he finally got it right in this case, squaring it perfectly for Rooney.

The second goal was even better: chipped over the keeper from about 20 yards out. (Yeah, I know, it's another Youtube link. But this one you really have to see -- watch how he winds up like he's going to blast it, and instead just places it into the far corner. David James never even moved.)

Now, Portsmouth did have a questionable claim for a penalty in the first half. But I think we can safely ignore that, because they never really looked all that threatening (yes, despite the consolation goal), and regardless United are through to the draw for the fifth round tomorrow.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 25-26

Manchester United 1 - 1 Chelsea
Okay, maybe it wasn't the most skillful display by either team, but it was still entertaining to watch. And I wasn't even drinking during it! (It was enough of a struggle to get the waitress at the pub to serve me breakfast, let alone bring me a tasty alcoholic beverage, so eventually I gave up and just yelled at the TV instead.)

I think a draw was a fair result, much as I was hoping that United would win. They were the better team in the first half, but Chelsea turned things around after the break when Mourinho subbed Arjen Robben on for Geremi.

That part of The Special One's strategy worked, and Ashley Cole also had a very good game (and by "good" I basically mean "kicked lumped out of Cristiano Ronaldo" for 90 minutes). But his other big money signings came up short in the big game. Andriy Shevchenko cost £30 million only for him to shank the ball over the bar in his one clear chance. And how Michael Ballack didn't get booked I don't know, considering that he spent the game throwing his weight around -- how many times did poor Vidic get elbowed in the face? -- but not doing much else.

In other news, Michael Carrick has apparently learned how to tackle. Who knew?


Liverpool 1 - 0 Manchester City
Rafa's solution to having most of his midfielders out injured? Play five across the middle! Of course! Why didn't I think of that?

It worked well enough, I suppose, although I suspect that's mostly because City aren't very good. But it is at least a third clean sheet in a row. And Stevie G. has now decided to start scoring in the league, probably just to prove me wrong. Cue another round of debate about how he should be playing in centre midfield all the time. I think it's not necessarily where he plays but how that makes the difference, and at the moment he's stopped pouting and started commanding games again. Which is a good thing, considering that Liverpool have apparently now lost Bolo Zenden to injury as well. Gerrard's going to have the entire midfield to himself at this rate.


Bolton 3 - 1 Arsenal
The thing that struck me while watching this game was how much bigger all the Bolton players were than the Arsenal ones. It was like watching a team of men against a team of skinny teenage boys. Ridiculously talented teenage boys, but they still couldn't stop themselves from getting pushed around for 90 minutes.

You know who did look good, though? Theo Walcott. Maybe he's still young enough not to be intimidated.


Newcastle 1 - 0 Portsmouth
OH MY GOD WHAT HAS DAVID JAMES DONE TO HIS HEAD.

And you'll notice that Portsmouth lost. This is a corollary to my "fugly kits make you lose" theory. Bad hair is also a portent of doom. See: Gerrard, Steven.


Other results
Tottenham 3 - 1 Wigan
Aston Villa 1 - 1 Middlesbrough
Charlton 1 - 1 Everton
Fulham 0 - 1 Reading
West Ham 1 - 0 Sheffield United

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 4-5

Manchester United 3 - 0 Portsmouth
This is United's current strategy: Take a 2-0 lead in the first 15 minutes or so, and then go into cruise control for the rest of the game. Make one of the teams at the top of the table look foolish in the process. In this case, it was 42 minutes into the first half before Edwin Van Der Sar even had to make a save, which pretty much says it all. Whereas David James had a very busy game at the other end of the pitch, because the Portsmouth defence, after a couple of changes to their regular lineup, basically fell apart in front of him. Which meant that the United players could basically entertain themselves for much of the game, trying to create a goal for Gary Neville.

Actually, the best thing about the game -- aside from Cristiano Ronaldo's free kick, which was absolutely gorgeous, and why can't the pouty one do that all the time? -- was watching how hard United worked to close down players all over the pitch. This is how you win back possession if you don't have a proper defensive midfielder: put the other team under pressure and force them into errors. Nevertheless, most welcome rumour of the day is that Bayern Munich will consider selling Owen Hargreaves to Man United, but they want John O'Shea in return. Has somebody in Germany fallen down and hit their head on something hard?


Liverpool 2 - 0 Reading
Finally Liverpool have managed to string together two clean sheets in a row, and it's about damn time, too. Now if only they can keep both the defence and the attack clicking for the game against Arsenal next week. On a purely selfish level, I'm happy to see Dirk Kuyt scoring, because I picked him for my fantasy football team before Liverpool had even finalized the deal. I'm less happy that the announcers can't seem to get his name right -- on Saturday they kept referring to him as "Kraut," as if he and Peter Crouch have somehow morphed into a single giant blond striker, and that's a terrifying mental image, thanks.

Reading started the game strongly, and they had another good spell to start the second half, but they couldn't keep it up, and they gave Liverpool too much space in attack -- especially considering that Reading were essentially playing 5-4-1. Steven Gerrard got his chance to start at centre mid, and he and Xabi Alonso controlled the game well. I don't think that Rafa will stick with that combination, though, for a couple reasons: their wingers didn't see enough of the ball, because everything went through the middle of the park, and there was often a gaping hole in front of the defence because Stevie G had gone off on one of his runs. Or been distracted by something shiny.


Tottenham 2 - 1 Chelsea
Claude Makelele scored for the first time in, um, practically ever, but it wasn't enough to give Chelsea the win. They also had a goal by Didier Drogba disallowed for a foul, because it's not a proper Chelsea game without giving Jose Mourinho something to complain about. This game was an embarrassment of riches in that regard, thanks to John Terry getting sent off after two bookings in less than two minutes. I like to imagine that he went home and cried himself to sleep with his Luther Vandross albums.


West Ham 1 - 0 Arsenal
Arsenal continue to be unable to find the net, Robin Van Persie gets clocked by a coin thrown from the crowd, and West Ham score in the dying minutes of the game Whereupon Alan Pardew and Arsene Wenger nearly get into a fistfight on the touchline. Brilliant. Who says the Premiership is boring?


Other results
Villa bounced back from their defeat against Liverpool, thanks to a questionable penalty and a defensive fuckup that gifed them two goals. Watford finally racked up their first Premiership win, 2-0 over Middlesbrough, and pulled themselves out of the bottom three. Other than that, the weekend was a series of ever-so-thrilling one-nil wins for mediocre teams. Yay.

Aston Villa 2 - 0 Blackburn
Bolton 0 - 1 Wigan
Charlton 1 - 0 Manchester City
Fulham 1 - 0 Everton
Newcastle 0 - 1 Sheff United
Watford 2 - 0 Middlesbrough

Premiership Weekend Roundup: April 8-9

Manchester United 2 - 0 Arsenal
I was worried for the first 15 minutes or so. Arsenal were playing very well -- the kind of smooth, pretty passes that decimated Juventus in the Champions League. I suspect that the scoreline would have been different if Thierry Henry had been on the pitch to finish off some of the chances they created, instead of Robin "Airball" Van Persie. But then, I don't know if it was because United's midfield was getting stuck in more, or if Arsenal were getting tired, or what, but for the last hour of the game United were all over them. They don't play the same way as Arsenal does, but it's still damn good football to watch -- lots of surging runs down the wing and defence-splitting passes for the forwards to run onto.

If United hadn't won by at least two goals, though, I would have been complaining a lot today about the refereeing. I'm all in favour of letting play go on rather than calling every niggling little foul, but Graham Poll missed a couple of blatant penalty calls -- most notably Kolo Toure doing his best John Terry impression by flinging himself at a shot from Wayne Rooney and blocking it with his hands. And this is the team of which Arsene Wenger said beforehand, "I know that we'll try to be fair and to play our game"? Ha.


Liverpool 1 - 0 Bolton
Liverpool ground out another win over Bolton, who have kind of been self-destructing recently. Meanwhile Liverpool are solidly in third and only five points behind Man United -- but for some reason, nobody outside Liverpool is really talking about their chances of catching them for second place. Robbie Fowler scored the only goal, strengthening his case for being kept on next season. I hope that Rafa does extend his contract, because for one thing, he's probably their only striker with a real instinct for scoring. Sell Cisse, please Rafa, I beg you.

Chelsea 4 - 1 West Ham
Chelsea went down a goal, then down a man after Maniche was sent off for stamping on Lionel Scaloni. And then they decided to demonstrate that they really do know how to play good football -- when they want to. Bastards. If they played like this every week, would people actually respect them? Or would we just hate them more?

Tottenham 2 - 1 Man City
A solid game from Tottenham to keep them in fourth place, ahead of Blackburn and Arsenal in the race for a Champions League spot. They could have won by more than just the one goal, but David James made several excellent saves -- although he also had one of his characteristic brain cramps in the first half when he tried to play around with a back-pass and Mido nearly capitalized.

Portsmouth 2 - 2 Blackburn
Twice Portsmouth were one goal down, and twice they managed to equalize, for a well-deserved draw. A point doesn't do much toward helping them to avoid relegation, but if they keep playing as well as they are now, they ought to stay up.

Wigan 1 - 1 Birmingham
All of a sudden Birmingham have stopped sucking. How did that happen? They even managed to fight back after falling behind at the beginning of the second half. Plucky Little Wigan(TM) are still safely in the top 10, but their form has dropped off recently.

Other results
Aston Villa 0 - 0 West Brom
Middlesbrough 1 - 2 Newcastle
Charlton 0 - 0 Everton

Premiership Weekend Roundup: February 11-12

No entries in the past week because I was (a) studying for an exam and (b) in denial after Liverpool's 2-0 defeat to Charlton. But now my exam is over, and Chelsea lost, and all is right with the world once again.

Wigan 0 - 1 Liverpool
Liverpool badly needed this win, after their last few games. This was hardly a convincing result, though -- their strikers still can't buy a goal, despite Robbie Fowler getting his first start. Maybe they should make Sami Hyypia a centre forward? He seems to have a good touch for a big man.

Portsmouth 1 - 3 Manchester United
See, when Cristiano Ronaldo has a game like this, I sort of forget about what a little brat he is the rest of the time. United still don't have much of a midfield, although Giggs looked good until he came off at halftime. And at least the defence has stopped randomly sucking (at least temporarily). United took their foot off the gas in the second half and let Portsmouth steal one goal back, but they still dominated from start to finish. I'm actually optimistic about their chances in the FA Cup against Liverpool this weekend, although having said that, now it'll probably blow up in my face.

Middlesbrough 3 - 0 Chelsea
I kind of expected a lopsided scoreline from this game -- Middlesbrough, the team that lost 7-0 to Arsenal just last month, against the once and future champions? So there are no words for how sweet it was to watch Chelsea lose. I am positively full of glee. I think my favourite part was watching Yakubu turn John Terry inside out more than once (I kept waiting for him to break down and cry like a little girl again). Lowlight of the game: Joe Cole goes down like a cheap whore as usual, and one of the commentators remarks, "Joe Cole's not the type that goes down that easily." EXCUSE ME WHILE I LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.

Other results
Manchester City 3 - 2 Charlton
Sunderland 1 - 1 Tottenham
Arsenal 1 - 1 Bolton
Aston Villa 1 - 2 Newcastle
Everton 1 - 0 Blackburn
Fulham 6 - 1 West Brom

Premiership Weekend Roundup: December 3-4

Manchester United 3 - 0 Portsmouth
United had to feel confident going into this game, with the dire state of affairs at Pompey. Although that confidence must have also ebbed slightly when they got over an hour into the game and were only up by one goal. (On a side note, how great is it to see Paul Scholes not only passing the ball beautifully, but also finally scoring a goal?) It took Cristiano Ronaldo coming on for the last half hour to really liven things up. I only hope that he remembers the lesson from this game: that it's much more useful if he can actually send in effective crosses, rather than doing stepover after stepover until his marker knocks him down and gets a foul. Another encouraging game, but the real test will come at Benfica on Wednesday.

Liverpool 3 - 0 Wigan
Ok, Peter Crouch has finally scored. Can we all talk about something else now? Oh, no, of course not. Now we get the endless debate over whether it was one goal or two. I say two -- that ball was going in anyway, if the keeper hadn't touched it -- but I don't really care. I hope he keeps scoring, though, because (a) it will shut people up and (b) I get to see Steven Gerrard jumping on him like an overgrown five-year-old, which is always entertaining.

I expected more of a test from Wigan, honestly, despite them losing their past two Premiership games. But Liverpool is really on form at the moment -- the question is whether it can hold up against Chelsea in the Champions League.

Bolton 2 - 0 Arsenal
Here's the thing about Arsenal: they have a fantastic attack, but their defense is dangerously shaky. Not as bad as, say, Newcastle, but any back four with Pascal Cygan on the left has obvious problems. And then there's the gaping hole in their midfield. Everyone talks about how Man United need to find a new Roy Keane, but Arsenal faced a similar dilemma when Patrick Viera left and -- inexplicably -- elected not to replace him. Gilberto proved in this game how utterly inadequate he is. Arsenal's midfield style works well as long as they have the ball and keep passing it around, but as soon as they have to fight to get it back -- against a hard-fighting team like Bolton -- they're in big trouble.

Other results
Chelsea 1 - 0 Middlesbrough
Blackburn 0 - 2 Everton
Newcastle 1 - 1 Aston Villa
Tottenham 3 - 2 Sunderland
West Brom 0 - 0 Fulham
Charlton 2 - 5 Manchester City

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 26-27

Manchester City 0 - 1 Liverpool
Liverpool had better hope that Xabi Alonso recovers from his knee injury soon, because they are a vastly inferior team without him. With Luis Garcia only coming on as a sub as well, there was just no spark in midfield. Steven Gerrard did his best, but there's only so much he can do when he's stuck out on the right. And Peter Crouch still can't find the net -- I thought he was quite good in the Champions League match earlier in the week, probably the first time I've really been impressed with his play, but he was sadly ineffective here.

Portsmouth 0 - 2 Chelsea
Boring, boring Chelsea. There are plenty of games that I can enjoy watching as a neutral supporter, or even disliking the winning team, but this wasn't one of them. Portsmouth just couldn't seem to do anything, aside from repeatedly fouling Joe Cole (I think he's a dick, but that penalty was definitely a foul). Chelsea put it into cruise control and did more than enough to win -- and give Jose Mourinho another reason to be smug.

Arsenal 3 - 0 Blackburn
Blackburn were unlucky not to get at least one goal, I thought, although Arsenal fully deserved all three of theirs. Arsenal's defence looked shaky at times, but their attack was deadly enough to more than make up for it. Most annoying thing about the match: the anchormoron at the Fox Soccer Channel who persisted in referring to the stadium as "Highberry" until I wanted to reach through my TV and punch him in the face.

West Ham 1 - 2 Manchester United
Let's get this out of the way first: Do I think that Rio Ferdinand is an overpaid fuckwit? Yes. Do I think he was responsible for the West Ham goal? No. It was three on two, and there's no way he can mark two men at once when the rest of the defence is caught too far up the pitch.

The biggest surprise of the match, really, was that it took United so long to equalise. If Roy Carroll had played like this last year, he might still be with the club. But Wayne Rooney was fantastic as usual, Park Ji-Sung was dangerous on the wing, and the rest of the midfield was more than adequate. The second biggest surprise of the match? The winning goal coming from John O'Shea, with a textbook header (I still think his passing is abysmal, though).

Other results
Everton 1 - 0 Newcastle
Fulham 2 - 1 Bolton
Middlesbrough 2 - 2 West Bromwich Albion
Wigan 1 - 2 Tottenham
Sunderland 0 - 1 Birmingham
Aston Villa 1 - 0 Charlton

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 19-20

Just a short recap this week, since I didn't get to see any of the games I really cared about. No United, no Liverpool, and a Michael Owen-less Newcastle getting smacked around by Chelsea. Bah.

Charlton 1-3 Manchester United
United don't seem to be missing Roy Keane too much...yet. The real test will be the game against Villareal tomorrow, which they basically have to win to avoid crashing out of the Champions League. Wayne Rooney had a spectacular game -- although he didn't score, he set up United's first two goals. Van Nistelrooy finished beautifully for the second goal and then finished things off with another from outside the box. Will wonders never cease?

Wigan 2-3 Arsenal
Another week, another master class in ass-kicking from Thierry Henry. Wigan fought valiantly, though, and there could easily have been another two or three goals for either side. You could argue that Wigan's keeper should have done better, particularly with the opening goal from Van Persie. But there was also the sense that no matter how much Wigan harried them, Henry would have simply turned things up another notch if necessary.

Liverpool 3-0 Portsmouth
Peter Crouch just cannot seem to find the net. Not even with Stevie G offering a target. (And let's add that to the list of Things I Did Not Need To See, Ever.) Still, it's a good result going into the Champions League matches this week, and hopefully Luis Garcia and Xabi Alonso will be back from the knocks they picked up in time to face Real Betis.

Chelsea 3-0 Newcastle
Newcastle held things together relatively well in the first half, but in the second half their defence (read: Titus Bramble) just fell apart. Best moment of the match: A gorgeous tackle from Scott Parker sending Joe Cole ass over teakettle.

West Bromwich Albion 4-0 Everton
A note for the Sportsnet programming department: If satellite problems prevent you from showing the United game, this is not really an adequate replacement. No matter how enjoyable it might be to watch Everton get so thoroughly schooled. Phil Neville must be looking longingly at the holes in the United lineup.

Middlesbrough 3-2 Fulham
Another one that was fun to watch as an impartial observer. (Well, mostly impartial; I was leaning towards Fulham for no good reason other than Boro having beaten United a couple weeks back.) Hard to say if either team really deserved the win. Middlesbrough had most of the possession but none of the finishing in the first half, and in the second half it seemed to be the reverse. Highlight of this one was the fantastic goal from Collins John to start the game.

Other results
Sunderland 1-3 Aston Villa
Manchester City 0-0 Blackburn
Tottenham 1-1 West Ham