Premiership Weekend Roundup: October 4-5

Manchester City 2-3 Liverpool
Oh, that was just gorgeous. Ok, not Liverpool going behind 2-0 by halftime, or Xabi Alonso practically having his ankle taken off by Zabaleta. (And seriously, what is it about him that encourages people into dangerous tackles?) But everything after that was great. And even before City were reduced to 10 men, Liverpool's second-half performance was light-years removed from the way they'd played before the break. It wasn't quite an Istanbul-style comeback, but a win like this is a hyge psychological boost. If they keep pulling off stuff like this, they just might have a chance at the title -- assuming, that is, that being considered favourites doesn't make them immediately collapse.

Blackburn 0-2 Manchester United
I said when United were trying to sign Dimitar Berbatov that I didn't think it was a good idea, because he's a lazy player. And he may indeed be lazy, but I don't care anymore, because he's turned out to be a fantastic addition to the team, not only scoring goals but creating opportunities for his teammates. The score was only 2-0 but it could've been more, even if Wes Brown hadn't scored the opening goal with the help of a foul on the keeper by Nemanja Vidic.

Sunderland 1-1 Arsenal
Sunderland held Arsenal off for 85 minutes before Grant Leadbitter gave them the lead, coming on as a substitute and scoring a beautiful goal with practically his first touch of the game. It wasn't enough to give them the victory, though, as Cesc Fabregas equalized in added time -- with a header, of all things. This is especially noteworthy since (a) Cesc is roughly as tall as I am, which is to say, not very, and (b) he doesn't even have poofy hair giving him a couple of extra inches anymore.

Chelsea 2-0 Aston Villa
With Drogba injured and Anelka not 100%, apparently Chelsea are copying the "who needs strikers" strategy that Man United pioneered last season. That's nice for them. I was attempting to study for an economics quiz, so I wasn't paying much attention, apart from noting that John Terry doesn't really need to hike his shorts up that much. I'm just saying.

Other results
West Brom 1-0 Fulham
Wigan 0-1 Middlesbrough
West Ham 1-3 Bolton
Tottenham 0-1 Hull
Portsmouth 2-1 Stoke
Everton 2-2 Newcastle

Holy crap, I just realized that Hull are in third place. Hull.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: May 3-4

Manchester United 4-1 West Ham
Remember how I said last week that West Ham's defence really sucks? Yeah. United were up 3-0 after 25 minutes, including two goals for Cristiano Ronaldo, bringing him up to 40 for the season, which is kind of a staggering total. And those two were both down to horrible defending from the Hammers: for the first, Lucas Neill fell over trying to make a tackle, and then the remaining defenders just backed off while Ronaldo waltzed into the box. For the second, Ronaldo drifted in at the back post and deflected the ball into the net off his thigh, after none of the defenders bothered to cut out the cross. We'll give them a bit of credit for the third goal, which was a 30-yard rocket from Carlos Tevez. But not much.

Dean Ashton pulled one back for West Ham just a couple minutes after Tevez's goal, holding off Rio Ferdinand and finishing with a bicycle kick (kind of impressive, considering the effort it must take to get off the ground when you're that big). They got a further lifeline at the end of the first half when Nani made the idiotic decision to headbutt Neill -- and then roll around on the ground in purported agony, as if that was going to make the referee overlook the fact that he's a brainless twit -- and was sent off. But West Ham completely failed to take advantage of their extra man, letting United stroll through the second half and even add another goal -- with the defenders once again backing away and practically inviting Michael Carrick to shoot. So, thank you very much, one more game to go and United could be lifting the Premiership trophy once again. COME ON NEWCASTLE.

Liverpool 1-0 Manchester City
This was an essentially meaningless game, with Liverpool having already guaranteed Champions League football next year and Sve-Goran Eriksson probably doomed no matter what Manchester City did. But at least Liverpool won their final game of the season at Anfield. It was Fernando Torres, naturally, with the only goal, scoring in front of the Kop.

The high point, really, was the lap of honour, because footballers + babies in leetle tiny jerseys = awwwww. Two players who weren't out there to salute the fans, though, were Peter Crouch and John Arne Riise -- both of whom will more than likely be leaving in the summer. I don't know what's up with that.

Other results
Arsenal 1-0 Everton
Aston Villa 0-2 Wigan
Blackburn 3-1 Derby
Bolton 2-0 Sunderland
Fulham 2-0 Birmingham
Middlesbrough 2-0 Portsmouth
Reading 0-1 Tottenham

• Fulham, Reading and Birmingham are all within a point of each other; two out of the three of them will be going down next week. Fulham, shockingly enough, might be the ones to survive after beating Birmingham. And they're the only ones with their fate in their own hands, because a win will mean their survival, whereas the other two will have to hope that results in the other games fall their way. (Fulham play a pre-FA Cup Portsmouth next week, while Birmingham host Blackburn and Reading are away to Derby.)
  
• Wins for Middlesbrough and Wigan have guaranteed that they'll stay up for another season. Bolton aren't officially safe yet but it seems pretty certain, thanks to their goal differential over the teams below them. I still can't muster up any interest in any of these three.
  
• Villa will regret not taking the opportunity to pull level with Everton in the race for a UEFA Cup spot, but they, along with Portsmouth, seemed to be suffering from the end-of-season blahs.
  
• And Derby are officially the worst team ever in the history of the Premiership. It's nice that they've managed to distinguish themselves like that.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: February 9-10

Manchester United 1-2 Manchester City
So, I have a theory: United decided that they wanted people to properly appreciate the tragedy of Munich. That sense of desolation that the team and the fans must have felt. And the best way to do that? Lose the derby.

If I'm being serious, I suspect that the occasion did get to them. the after-effects of an international week probably didn't help either, because they looked pretty sluggish out there. A lot of sloppy passes. Matt Busby would not have approved.

From a happier perspective, I do like those retro kits. Ryan Giggs in particular looks like he was born to wear them.

Chelsea 0-0 Liverpool
I feel like I say this about Liverpool every week, but: Out of context, a draw away to Chelsea isn't a bad result. Chelsea are very hard to beat at Stamford Bridge. The problem is that Liverpool desperately need to rack up a few wins. They're still in fifth place now, and all that talk about having a game in hand is kind of pointless because chances aren't too good that they'll actually turn that into three points.

Liverpool were probably the better team, which is not saying much as they were both mediocre. But Liverpool did at least muster up a shot on goal, which is more than Chelsea managed. It was weird: with United losing and Arsenal yet to play, you'd expect Chelsea to grab this chance to close the gap, but they didn't look like they really wanted to win the game. As for Liverpool, two words for you: Dirk Kuyt.

Aston Villa 4-1 Newcastle
Surely nobody thought that Newcastle were going to get better at defending under Keegan than they were under Allardyce, did they? Michael Owen did at least score, in an attempt to prove a point to Fabio Capello, but in the scope of this game it was pretty much futile. Poor thing.

Other results
Everton 1-0 Reading
Bolton 1-0 Portsmouth
Derby 0-3 Tottenham
Middlesbrough 1-0 Fulham
Sunderland 2-0 Wigan
West Ham 1-1 Birmingham

Happy New Year!

Maybe in 2008 my teams will start winning again.

United followed their 4-0 cruise over Sunderland on Boxing Day (I think Roy Keane gets closer to an aneurysm with every game) with a sloppy, disjointed performance against West Ham, who seem to be one of their bogey teams. United were up 1-0 when Cristiano had the perfect opportunity to put the game away with a penalty, only to send his shot wide. The penalty miss seemed to shake up United, and West Ham bounced back to score twice in five minutes from set-pieces. And the loss means that Arsenal jumped ahead of them back into first place.

Liverpool, meanwhile, were completely unable to break down Man City's defence, with Richard Dunne putting on a masterclass in defending. as did Jamie Carragher at the other end of the pitch. They didn't play terribly, at least -- they actually applied more pressure as the game went on, although they left most of it for the last 10 minutes. Anyway, it was a pleasant change from the midweek game, where they looked like they only bothered for the first 15 minutes or so, until Fernando Torres scored, and after that they figured "Hey, the kid's pretty good. He doesn't need us, he can beat them all by himself." Forgetting, of course, that a one-goal lead is never exactly safe, even against Derby, which meant that they needed a last-minute lesson in Being Steven Gerrard to secure the win.

But the game of the week -- quite possibly the game of the year -- was Tottenham's absofuckinglutely insane 6-4 win over Reading. It was level at one goal each going into halftime, but that was followed by eight goals in the second half, including five in 10 minutes, saw Tottenham eventually come out on top after an unbelievable back-and-forth match. Also unbelievable: Jermain Defoe's hair, which I cannot find a picture of, but it appeared to be this random stripe of hair catty-cornered across his head. I have no idea why.

Results
Birmingham 1-1 Fulham
Chelsea 2-1 Newcastle
Derby 1-2 Blackburn
Everton 1-4 Arsenal
Manchester City 0-0 Liverpool
Portsmouth 0-1 Middlesbrough
Sunderland 3-1 Bolton
West Ham 2-1 Manchester United
Wigan 1-2 Aston Villa

Premiership Weekend Roundup: October 27-28

Liverpool 1-1 Arsenal
Liverpool finally got Xabi Alonso and Fernando Torres back from injury, and immediately lost them again. This, to put it bluntly, sucks. It sucks hard. Losing Xabi for another six weeks or whatever is an especially serious blow. He started slowly against Arsenal but he was working himself into the match, and when he's on his game, he plays the same sort of role for Liverpool that Fabregas does for Arsenal, with his ability to find a pass and dictate the tempo -- although he doesn't get forward as much, and nor does he have the same sort of options in terms of players to pass to. (I also think that Xabi's defensive work is often underrated, although that's less of a consideration with Mascherano beside him, snapping into tackles.)

Rafa decided to start on Sunday with Torres up front, supported by Kuyt and Voronin, who are both hard workers but certainly not proper wingers, and also don't have the legs to cover the amount of ground that the needed to. (I'm still not sure why at least one of Babel and Benayoun wasn't on the pitch from the beginning.) Combined with the defence sitting deeper to avoid getting caught out by Arsenal's speed, that left Torres isolated too often, and a lot of space in midfield for Alonso and Mascherano to cover, with Steven Gerrard pushing forward.

Torres was evidently not match fit (despite Rafa having said that he was very close to playing against Everton last week); because of that he didn't seem to be able to hold the ball up as well as he usually does. Crouch -- who's been ignored for most of this season -- did a lot better once he came on at halftime, and sort of made me wonder why he hasn't been used more.

Overall, I think a draw was a fair result. Looking at the stats, I was surprised to see that the teams had an equal number of attempts on goal, and Liverpool actually had more shots on target. Nevertheless, I was nervous every time Arsenal came forward -- and they came forward a lot -- just waiting for them to pick holes in the back line. Jamie Carragher had to do a lot of last-ditch defending, and the team was helped by the referees once again ignoring some of his more physical play, as well as Arsenal hitting the post a couple times. (Seriously, how did Cesc miss that open goal?) It couldn't last, though, and Fabregas finally equalized in the 80th minute, cancelling out Gerrard's excellent free kick early in the first half.

The other thing about the injuries to Torres and Alonso is that they forced Rafa's hand in terms of substitutions. By the time Xabi went off for as the third sub, Arbeloa was pretty much the only option to bring on, and for some reason Rafa stuck him in centre midfield -- rather than, say, putting Arbeloa at left back, moving Riise to left mid, and having Gerrard drop in to hold centre midfield with Mascherano. And then Mascherano got hurt too; I'm pretty sure that he was limping by the time Arsenal scored, and I think Arbeloa was the one who was tracking Fabregas but lost him on that goal. Just saying.

On the other hand, Liverpool are still unbeaten, their upcoming string of games doesn't look too tough, Torres hopefully won't be out for too long, and Stevie G. seems to be playing himself back into form. I'm trying to look on the bright side here, people.


Manchester United 4-1 Middlesbrough
That would be four goals for United, in the fourth consecutive game. Not bad for a team that seemed to be struggling not so long ago.

Nani opened the scoring early by wriggling past a couple of defenders on the left and then unleashing a stunning, unstoppable shot into the far corner. Middlesbrough have often been a tricky team for United, though, and they came back almost immediately, with a free header from Jeremie Aliadiere from Tuncay's cross. You have to give credit to Boro for actually coming to Old Trafford to play football, not just to stifle the home team -- but that just meant that they ended up giving United way too much time and space on the ball. It looked for a while like it might be a close game. But then Rooney and Tevez clicked into gear, Rooney scoring the second goal and setting up Tevez for the third with a sublime combination, a one-two into the box and then a backheel to tee up the shot.

United confirmed today that Paul Scholes will be out for three months with a knee injury, which is a blow, but not as big as it could have been, with Anderson turning in another good performance and Owen Hargreaves back for only his fourth game to anchor the midfield. Cristiano Ronaldo was relatively subdued for once, but it didn't much matter with the other attacking options available. The trip to the Emirates on Saturday is going to be one hell of a game.


Chelsea 6-0 Manchester City
Yeesh. I think I liked it better when Chelsea were boring. This kind of powerful, incisive football...well, it's probably fun to watch for the neutrals, but less so if you hate their whole arrogant, overpaid, unpleasant team. This was an impressive result, though -- the more so because City have been doing so well until now. They were still in the game up to halftime, when it was only 2-0, but Drogba's goal just after the break meant that they basically collapsed, and the rest of the game was spent with Chelsea camped out in their opponents' half of the pitch. City just couldn't seem to get a grip on Chelsea in midfield -- and I have to give credit to Frank Lampard here; he had a good game, much as I dislike his stupid smug face and his stupid short shorts. Michael Essien, also, was tearing them apart down the right, while the City left-back, Javier Garrido, was essentially useless (I had to look his name up after the game, that's how invisible he was for 90 minutes). The icing on the cake for Chelsea: a 90th-minute goal for Andriy Shevchenko. I think I may have even seen Roman Abramovich smile.


Other results
Birmingham 3-2 Wigan
Portsmouth 0-0 West Ham
Reading 2-1 Newcastle
Sunderland 1-1 Fulham
Tottenham 1-2 Blackburn
Bolton 1-1 Aston Villa
Derby 0-2 Everton

Premiership Weekend Roundup: August 18-19

I kind of like how unpredictable the early rounds of the season have been. Of course, I would like it more if this didn't also mean that my teams aren't winning, but I suppose you can't have everything.

Liverpool 1-1 Chelsea
Fuck you, Rob Styles.

Oh, he's apologized now. Isn't that nice. I suppose this means that I can go off and rob a liquor store tomorrow, and as long as I apologize afterwards, everything will be fine. I won't have to give the money back or anything like that.

Attempting to ignore that egregiously terrible penalty call, let's look at the good points for Liverpool from this game:

• The pleasant surprise of Rafa starting Gerrard and Alonso together in centre midfield
  
• Actual proper wingers for them to pass to (okay, apart from Riise starting at left mid), which I've been saying for ages is going to make a big difference to their game
  
• Gerrard not seeming to be hampered too much by that broken toe
  
• Unlike, say, Frank Lampard, who once again did nothing much other than convert that misbegotten penalty and stamp on Xabi
  
• Fernando Torres scoring on his Anfield debut and making Tal Ben Haim look like a useless lump in the process
  
• Torres completing his performance by winding up John Terry and ultimately getting him booked (maybe I shouldn't approve, but: heeee)

So I think it was a good performance for Liverpool overall, and an unlucky result, because despite Chelsea working themselves into the game more as it went on, they still didn't have many shots on goal.

As for Mourinho's insistence that his team is naive and pure: AHAHAHAHAHA WHAT. Seriously, how deluded is this man?


Manchester City 1-0 Manchester United
I'm starting to wonder if United are this year's Arsenal. Which is a depressing thought. But this is the third game in a row that they have utterly dominated without managing to win. And they've scored a grand total of one goal in those three games.

Actually, I don't think the comparison with Arsenal is strictly accurate, because United are at least taking shots rather than pinging the ball around the box and waiting for people to be awed by their brilliance. But they're still not putting the ball in the net, which is a problem. To put it mildly.

A big part of the problem, obviously, is the lack of an out-and-out centre forward, which Wayne Rooney is not, and nor is Carlos Tevez. (I kind of hope that a side effect of this string of bad results will be Sir Alex pulling his head out of the sand and realizing that they need to buy somebody, particularly if Saha is going to be out for however long.) The other part of it, I think, is that teams have learned the best way to play against United is to drop deep and stifle them on the edge of the penalty area. United are most effective when they're in motion, running at defenders, pulling them around out of position. And if they're not able to do that, then they need to come up with some different tactics -- either a way to draw opposing teams out and create space, or to force their way through.

(And just what the hell is wrong with Saha, anyway? I mean, I realize that he's sort of perpetually injured, but what exactly is the problem right now? I could attempt to do some research, but frankly I'm too lazy today.)


Blackburn 1-1 Arsenal
Oh, le Arse are such a bunch of brats. But they are entertaining brats nonetheless -- as long as they're not playing against a team that I actually like. Also entertaining: watching Jens Lehmann fuck up, and simultaneously pondering how much bigger that bald spot on the back of his head has gotten over the summer.


Other results
Portsmouth 3-1 Bolton
Fulham 1-2 Middlesbrough
Reading 1-0 Everton
Birmingham 0-1 West Ham
Wigan 3-0 Sunderland
Tottenham 4-0 Derby
Newcastle 0-0 Aston Villa

Who would've thought that Fulham v. Boro would be most entertaining game I saw on Saturday? Of course, I could hardly have predicted that Tony Warner would throw the ball into his own net for the second week in a row, or that Fulham would have a perfectly good goal ignored by the referee. by contrast, Newcastle - Villa was a boring scoreless draw that...actually, I should've expected that, having seen both teams play last year.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: May 5-6

Manchester United: Premiership Champions 2006-07

Feel free to start the hating again, y'all.

• Manchester City 0 - 1 Manchester United: Alternate scoreline: Michael Ball 0 - 1 Cristiano Ronaldo. Ball, continuing City's proud tradition of being dirty bastards, stamped on Ronaldo's chest in the second minute of the game. Apparently not one of the officials saw it. At least they did see him fouling Ronaldo later on to give away a penalty, which Ronaldo put away easily. This is what we call karma in action. Ball then earned a penalty of his own late in the game -- going down under minimal contact in a way that even Ronaldo would've been ashamed of -- but Van der Sar saved Darius Vassell's weak-ass shot to preserve United's lead. Other than that, City never looked threatening, with United not bothering to exert themselves any more than necessary to get the three points.
  
  
• Arsenal 1 - 1 Chelsea: Now we know why Boulahrouz never get to play: he's too much of a liability. Yesterday he managed to get sent off after hacking down Baptista in the box and handing the Premiership trophy to United. Arsenal didn't capitalize on their lead, though. It was the usual pass, pass, pass, flick, pass, wayward shot, helplessly Gallic shrug, etc. Down to 10 men, Chelsea dragged themselves back into the game in the last half-hour, equalizing with a goal from Michael Essien. I have to give them credit for the way they fought -- and I can say that now because they're not quite as hateable when John Terry and Frank Lampard are crying on Mourinho's shoulder. This was pretty much a perfect result from my perspective: Arsenal are still below Liverpool on goal difference and -- most importantly -- Chelsea have been dethroned.
  
  
• Fulham 1 - 0 Liverpool: "Here you go, Fulham, have another year in the Premiership. We've got our Champions League place all wrapped up, so we don't give a fuck." Even though they were resting a lot of key players, Liverpool really should have done better -- they wasted several good chances (*coughFowlercough*) and the defence was a mess for Clint Dempsey's goal. Also: Why does Rafa keep playing Xabi with the B-team? It makes me sad. As does PEOPLE HEAD-BUTTING HIM, WTF.
  
  
• Aston Villa 3 - 0 Sheffield United: you know, I watched this game. I really did. And yet I don't remember any of those three goals. I think I'm getting footballed out. Anyway, Villa are finishing the season strongly, which makes me happy because they're one of those teams I randomly like.
  
  
• Everton 3 - 0 Portsmouth: This game was a battle for UEFA Cup places, with Everton in fifth place now but just four points ahead of Pompey in eighth. The wild card is Tottenham, who have two games in hand and play this afternoon. Portsmouth have struggled a bit in the second half of the season, suggesting that they probably don't have the stamina to cope with a European campaign next year -- which is also something that Everton will have to deal with if they don't want to get knocked out in September again
  
  
• Newcastle 0 - 2 Blackburn: Just after this result, Glenn Roeder resigned as Newcastle's manager -- before he could be sacked, I presume. What are the odds of Sam Allardyce taking over at St. James' Park, do you think?
  
  
• Reading 0 - 2 Watford: Anyone else think that Reading threw this one on purpose? Steve Coppell's already said that if they make the UEFA Cup next year, he's going to field the reserves.
  
  
• West Ham 3 - 1 Bolton: Finally, West Ham seem to have realized that Carlos Tevez is way more useful to them on the pitch than on the bench. He's also been named the club's player of the year, which makes me think that maybe the fans are smarter than the coaching staff.
  
  
• Wigan 0 - 1 Middlesbrough: What has happened to plucky little wigan? I would think it's sad, but instead I'm mostly just annoyed by all the whining they're doing. Here's a tip, guys: It wouldn't matter if West Ham were docked points or other teams rested players as long as you could actually WIN A GAME ONCE IN A WHILE.

Premiership Weekend Roundup: April 14-15

I watched Liverpool against Man City on Saturday, which made it the second game in a row where they've bored the crap out of me. I didn't expect City to score, seeing as they have the second-worst offence in the league (behind only Watford), but I kind of hoped Liverpool might do better. I suppose they're resting up for the Champions League semi-final against Chelsea, but come on. I think one of their best chances was actually from Xabi Alonso shooting from his own half again. And I do kind of love that, but it's not exactly the most effective strategy. (I am amused, though, that Steven Gerrard is now a ninja.)

I also attempted to watch Reading v. Fulham on Sunday, but I didn't even manage to stay awake through that one. Although that may be partly due to the massive quantities of alcohol consumed the night before. Still, not the best weekend of Premiership action I've ever seen.

A few notable things from the other games:

• The bottom of the table is still anyone's guess, but Sheffield United did themselves a big favour with an emphatic win over West Ham that just might keep them up next year.
  
• Charlton scored in the 89th minute and thought they'd earned themselves a point against Everton. But then James McFadden went and did this.
  
• Cesc Fabregas scored the winner for Arsenal in a crucial victory against Bolton -- his first of the season. I knew I shouldn't have picked him for my fantasy team. (And then he made this face. Heeee.)

Results
Everton 2 - 1 Charlton
Wigan 3 - 3 Tottenham
Arsenal 2 - 1 Bolton
Manchester City 0 - 0 Liverpool
Middlesbrough 1 - 3 Aston Villa
Portsmouth 2 - 1 Newcastle
Reading 1 - 0 Fulham
Sheffield United 3 - 0 West Ham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 25-26

Manchester United 1 - 1 Chelsea
Okay, maybe it wasn't the most skillful display by either team, but it was still entertaining to watch. And I wasn't even drinking during it! (It was enough of a struggle to get the waitress at the pub to serve me breakfast, let alone bring me a tasty alcoholic beverage, so eventually I gave up and just yelled at the TV instead.)

I think a draw was a fair result, much as I was hoping that United would win. They were the better team in the first half, but Chelsea turned things around after the break when Mourinho subbed Arjen Robben on for Geremi.

That part of The Special One's strategy worked, and Ashley Cole also had a very good game (and by "good" I basically mean "kicked lumped out of Cristiano Ronaldo" for 90 minutes). But his other big money signings came up short in the big game. Andriy Shevchenko cost £30 million only for him to shank the ball over the bar in his one clear chance. And how Michael Ballack didn't get booked I don't know, considering that he spent the game throwing his weight around -- how many times did poor Vidic get elbowed in the face? -- but not doing much else.

In other news, Michael Carrick has apparently learned how to tackle. Who knew?


Liverpool 1 - 0 Manchester City
Rafa's solution to having most of his midfielders out injured? Play five across the middle! Of course! Why didn't I think of that?

It worked well enough, I suppose, although I suspect that's mostly because City aren't very good. But it is at least a third clean sheet in a row. And Stevie G. has now decided to start scoring in the league, probably just to prove me wrong. Cue another round of debate about how he should be playing in centre midfield all the time. I think it's not necessarily where he plays but how that makes the difference, and at the moment he's stopped pouting and started commanding games again. Which is a good thing, considering that Liverpool have apparently now lost Bolo Zenden to injury as well. Gerrard's going to have the entire midfield to himself at this rate.


Bolton 3 - 1 Arsenal
The thing that struck me while watching this game was how much bigger all the Bolton players were than the Arsenal ones. It was like watching a team of men against a team of skinny teenage boys. Ridiculously talented teenage boys, but they still couldn't stop themselves from getting pushed around for 90 minutes.

You know who did look good, though? Theo Walcott. Maybe he's still young enough not to be intimidated.


Newcastle 1 - 0 Portsmouth
OH MY GOD WHAT HAS DAVID JAMES DONE TO HIS HEAD.

And you'll notice that Portsmouth lost. This is a corollary to my "fugly kits make you lose" theory. Bad hair is also a portent of doom. See: Gerrard, Steven.


Other results
Tottenham 3 - 1 Wigan
Aston Villa 1 - 1 Middlesbrough
Charlton 1 - 1 Everton
Fulham 0 - 1 Reading
West Ham 1 - 0 Sheffield United

Premiership Weekend Roundup: March 25-26

Manchester United 3 - 0 Birmingham
If Liverpool can beat Birmingham 7-0, then United probably should have won by about 10 goals. True, they took their foot off the gas in the second half, but they'd also missed a bunch of chances by that point. Which is fine when you're playing teams like Birmingham and West Brom, but not a good habit to get into if you've got Bolton and Arsenal coming up in the next couple weeks.

Ruud Van Nistelrooy was relegated to the bench yet again, so the speculation about whether Sir Alex plans to sell him continues. I can't decide if I think it's a good idea or not. On one hand, he's the top scorer in the Premiership, and who knows when Saha will pick up another hangnail that rules him out for months. But on the other hand, if you can sell Van Nistelrooy for enough to pay for a solid midfielder or two, then maybe it's worth it.


Liverpool 3 - 1 Everton
The 7:30 a.m. kickoff meant I wasn't really awake for the start of this game. But that only lasted up until the point when Steven Gerrard got sent off for a second yellow card. Was it stupid of him to get booked twice in about a minute? Yes, admittedly. But I also think it's kind of harsh to get sent off for what boils down to one bad tackle and a moment of petulance.

It did seem to help his team, though. Everton had been dominating for the first 20 minutes or so, but once they had a man advantage, they sort of fell apart, whereas Liverpool stepped up their play. Peter Crouch beat James Beattie in the Battle Of The Potential England Target Men, Luis Garcia demonstrated that even if his tricks fail nine times out of ten, he's still worth having in the lineup, and Xabi Alonso was completely fucking awesome (and I'm not just saying that because I love him).

Having had a bit of time to think it over, I'm not as indignant as I was about Steven getting red carded, but I do still think that the referee started out on the wrong foot. The Merseyside derby, you expect it to be a nasty, chippy game, so Phil Dowd wants to establish his authority early on -- which is understandable, but I think it backfired in this case.


Chelsea 2 - 0 Man City
Chelsea are, much as I hate to admit it, a very good football team, and they proved it with the way they played for the first half-hour of this game. So why do they always seem to resort to cheating? Drogba's second goal was another blatant handball -- and he even admitted it, sort of -- but the referee didn't call the goal back this time. Possibly because the Man City players didn't make as big a fuss as Fulham did last week, possibly because Chelsea were playing at home, possibly because he's a wanker.

And then, to top things off, he books the Manchester City captain, Sylvain Distin, at halftime for having the temerity to question his decision. Not haranguing the referee, just stating his team's case -- which, as I understand it, is sort of the captain's job -- and he gets sent off. Not that it probably would have helped City if they'd had eleven men for the second half, but it might have prevented the game from turning into such a snore-fest.

I think next week they should tie Drogba's arms behind his back and see if he can still score. Although he'd probably just use that as an excuse to fall over even more often.


Other results
Charlton 3 - 1 Newcastle
Middlesbrough 4 - 3 Bolton
Aston Villa 0 - 0 Fulham
Sunderland 0 - 1 Blackburn
Wigan 1 - 2 West Ham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: January 14-15

Manchester City 3 - 1 Manchester United
You know how I said that United are trying to make me crazy? Yeah. This didn't do much to disprove that theory. Credit to City, because they played hard, but United were simply terrible. Patrice Evra, the new left back, got caught out of position way too often. You could give him the benefit of the doubt, assume that he just needs time to adjust to the demands of the Premiership. But then maybe it's not the best idea to give him his debut in a derby game, eh? And then to compound that with Silvestre beside him! Sir Alex argued that it was because he speaks French and so could communicate with Evra. Personally, I think it'd be much less painful to teach Evra the basics -- "Mark up!" and "Man on!" aren't that hard, surely -- and leave The Mikael Silvestre Comedy Experience on the bench. United may have been unlucky not to get an offside call for one or two of the City goals, but it wouldn't have been an issue if they'd cleared their lines properly.

The midfield, meanwhile, was as ineffective as you'd expect with Fletcher (reverting to form) and O'Shea in the centre, and Ronaldo doing his best to make Wayne Rooney look mature and level-headed by comparison. I didn't think that challenge was a red card the first time I saw it -- yellow definitely, but not red -- but seeing the pictures and replays, yes, it was deserved. And utterly pointless. Up front, the strikers both looked slightly off their game -- I was surprised that Van Nistelrooy wasn't taken off when Louis Saha came on, but he redeemed himself with his goal, one of the few bright spots for United.

Liverpool 1 - 0 Tottenham
Will wonders never cease? Harry "two ponytails are twice as cool" Kewell, man of the match. He had a solid game, capped off with a beautiful finish for the goal. Unfortunately, although Liverpool's defence was back on track after the Luton game, their offence was misfiring once again. Xabi Alonso went missing for much of the first half, although he got stuck in more in the second half, helped by Steven Gerrard moving in towards the centre and Sissoko maurauding forward on the wing. Crouch and Morientes worked hard up front but couldn't seem to link up -- I think their styles just don't mesh naturally. Michael Owen, please come home!

Blackburn 0 - 0 Bolton
An ugly, ugly game. Neither team was able to string much possession together, but that's hardly surprising when the whistle's going constantly. I'm far from being a Bolton fan, but I have to say that it's kind of fun to watch Robbie Savage get knocked down every five minutes.

Sunderland 1 - 2 Chelsea
This would be where I'd point and laugh at Arjen Robben for picking up such a stupid red card -- if it weren't for the fact that Cristiano Ronaldo got sent off for something equally idiotic. Still, you have to wonder, if Arsenal can win 7-0, surely Chelsea ought to be able to beat lowly Sunderland by more than one goal?

Arsenal 7 - 0 Middlesbrough
Thierry Henry would just like to remind all y'all bitches that he is, in fact, cooler than you.

Other results
Wigan 0 - 1 West Brom
Portsmouth 0 - 1 Everton
Fulham 1 - 0 Newcastle
Charlton 2 - 0 Birmingham
Aston Villa 1 - 2 West Ham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: December 17-18

Aston Villa 0 - 2 Manchester United
I didn't think this was the most commanding display by United, frankly. But Villa didn't offer much of a challenge, either, and United definitely deserved the result. Wayne Rooney was fantastic as usual. Now if only they could get the midfield sorted out. Yes, Darren Fletcher had a decent game for once, but you can't expect that to be more than a fluke.

West Ham 2 - 4 Newcastle
See, this is why Michael Owen is worth umpteen gazillion pounds. West Ham may have been the more dangerous team in the first half, but you let him anywhere near the goal and Owen is deadly -- even if one of the goals in his hat-trick came off his ear. West Ham, on the other hand, had their two come from an own-goal and a penalty -- somewhat unlucky not to have scored more, considering the continuing dismal state of the Newcastle defence (just imagine how much worse they'd be without Shay Given in net).

Manchester City 4 - 1 Birmingham
Yeah, ok, as a United fan I'm supposed to cheer against City. It was a fun game to watch, although mostly to see how many different ways the commentators could find to say "Wow, Birmingham suck." Rough game for the Birmingham keeper, especially, who was their only player who was any use, and didn't deserve the second yellow card that led to him being sent off at the end.

Arsenal 0 - 2 Chelsea
The first time in my life that I've ever cheered for Arsenal, and this is the thanks I get? Bah. I do think the win for Chelsea was a fair result, considering the balance of play in the game. But Robin van Persie's goal was no more offside than Arjen Robben's was, and that might have completely changed things around. Robben (the oldest-looking 21-year-old ever) was probably Chelsea's most dangerous player -- or Michael Essien, depending on how you look at it. Didier Drogba, meanwhile, seemed to think a striker's job was not to score goals but to bitch incessantly at the referee. I suppose he's learned from his manager how to be a gracious winner.

Other results
Everton 0 - 4 Bolton
Fulham 2 - 1 Blackburn
Portsmouth 1 - 0 West Brom
Wigan 3 - 0 Charlton
Middlesbrough 3 - 3 Tottenham

Premiership Weekend Roundup: November 26-27

Manchester City 0 - 1 Liverpool
Liverpool had better hope that Xabi Alonso recovers from his knee injury soon, because they are a vastly inferior team without him. With Luis Garcia only coming on as a sub as well, there was just no spark in midfield. Steven Gerrard did his best, but there's only so much he can do when he's stuck out on the right. And Peter Crouch still can't find the net -- I thought he was quite good in the Champions League match earlier in the week, probably the first time I've really been impressed with his play, but he was sadly ineffective here.

Portsmouth 0 - 2 Chelsea
Boring, boring Chelsea. There are plenty of games that I can enjoy watching as a neutral supporter, or even disliking the winning team, but this wasn't one of them. Portsmouth just couldn't seem to do anything, aside from repeatedly fouling Joe Cole (I think he's a dick, but that penalty was definitely a foul). Chelsea put it into cruise control and did more than enough to win -- and give Jose Mourinho another reason to be smug.

Arsenal 3 - 0 Blackburn
Blackburn were unlucky not to get at least one goal, I thought, although Arsenal fully deserved all three of theirs. Arsenal's defence looked shaky at times, but their attack was deadly enough to more than make up for it. Most annoying thing about the match: the anchormoron at the Fox Soccer Channel who persisted in referring to the stadium as "Highberry" until I wanted to reach through my TV and punch him in the face.

West Ham 1 - 2 Manchester United
Let's get this out of the way first: Do I think that Rio Ferdinand is an overpaid fuckwit? Yes. Do I think he was responsible for the West Ham goal? No. It was three on two, and there's no way he can mark two men at once when the rest of the defence is caught too far up the pitch.

The biggest surprise of the match, really, was that it took United so long to equalise. If Roy Carroll had played like this last year, he might still be with the club. But Wayne Rooney was fantastic as usual, Park Ji-Sung was dangerous on the wing, and the rest of the midfield was more than adequate. The second biggest surprise of the match? The winning goal coming from John O'Shea, with a textbook header (I still think his passing is abysmal, though).

Other results
Everton 1 - 0 Newcastle
Fulham 2 - 1 Bolton
Middlesbrough 2 - 2 West Bromwich Albion
Wigan 1 - 2 Tottenham
Sunderland 0 - 1 Birmingham
Aston Villa 1 - 0 Charlton