Premiership Weekend Roundup: May 5-6

Manchester United: Premiership Champions 2006-07

Feel free to start the hating again, y'all.

• Manchester City 0 - 1 Manchester United: Alternate scoreline: Michael Ball 0 - 1 Cristiano Ronaldo. Ball, continuing City's proud tradition of being dirty bastards, stamped on Ronaldo's chest in the second minute of the game. Apparently not one of the officials saw it. At least they did see him fouling Ronaldo later on to give away a penalty, which Ronaldo put away easily. This is what we call karma in action. Ball then earned a penalty of his own late in the game -- going down under minimal contact in a way that even Ronaldo would've been ashamed of -- but Van der Sar saved Darius Vassell's weak-ass shot to preserve United's lead. Other than that, City never looked threatening, with United not bothering to exert themselves any more than necessary to get the three points.
  
  
• Arsenal 1 - 1 Chelsea: Now we know why Boulahrouz never get to play: he's too much of a liability. Yesterday he managed to get sent off after hacking down Baptista in the box and handing the Premiership trophy to United. Arsenal didn't capitalize on their lead, though. It was the usual pass, pass, pass, flick, pass, wayward shot, helplessly Gallic shrug, etc. Down to 10 men, Chelsea dragged themselves back into the game in the last half-hour, equalizing with a goal from Michael Essien. I have to give them credit for the way they fought -- and I can say that now because they're not quite as hateable when John Terry and Frank Lampard are crying on Mourinho's shoulder. This was pretty much a perfect result from my perspective: Arsenal are still below Liverpool on goal difference and -- most importantly -- Chelsea have been dethroned.
  
  
• Fulham 1 - 0 Liverpool: "Here you go, Fulham, have another year in the Premiership. We've got our Champions League place all wrapped up, so we don't give a fuck." Even though they were resting a lot of key players, Liverpool really should have done better -- they wasted several good chances (*coughFowlercough*) and the defence was a mess for Clint Dempsey's goal. Also: Why does Rafa keep playing Xabi with the B-team? It makes me sad. As does PEOPLE HEAD-BUTTING HIM, WTF.
  
  
• Aston Villa 3 - 0 Sheffield United: you know, I watched this game. I really did. And yet I don't remember any of those three goals. I think I'm getting footballed out. Anyway, Villa are finishing the season strongly, which makes me happy because they're one of those teams I randomly like.
  
  
• Everton 3 - 0 Portsmouth: This game was a battle for UEFA Cup places, with Everton in fifth place now but just four points ahead of Pompey in eighth. The wild card is Tottenham, who have two games in hand and play this afternoon. Portsmouth have struggled a bit in the second half of the season, suggesting that they probably don't have the stamina to cope with a European campaign next year -- which is also something that Everton will have to deal with if they don't want to get knocked out in September again
  
  
• Newcastle 0 - 2 Blackburn: Just after this result, Glenn Roeder resigned as Newcastle's manager -- before he could be sacked, I presume. What are the odds of Sam Allardyce taking over at St. James' Park, do you think?
  
  
• Reading 0 - 2 Watford: Anyone else think that Reading threw this one on purpose? Steve Coppell's already said that if they make the UEFA Cup next year, he's going to field the reserves.
  
  
• West Ham 3 - 1 Bolton: Finally, West Ham seem to have realized that Carlos Tevez is way more useful to them on the pitch than on the bench. He's also been named the club's player of the year, which makes me think that maybe the fans are smarter than the coaching staff.
  
  
• Wigan 0 - 1 Middlesbrough: What has happened to plucky little wigan? I would think it's sad, but instead I'm mostly just annoyed by all the whining they're doing. Here's a tip, guys: It wouldn't matter if West Ham were docked points or other teams rested players as long as you could actually WIN A GAME ONCE IN A WHILE.