Euro 2008: Quarter-final 1

Germany 3-2 Portugal
So, the quarter-finals are off to an excellent start, both from my own perspective (DEUTSCHLAND!) and for those of us who just want to watch good football. The only downside was that we didn't get to see Cristiano Ronaldo cry. (Nor did he take his shirt off, as far as I can tell. Perhaps he's been replaced by an imposter.)

Germany were supposedly the underdogs coming into this match, and perhaps because of that, Joachim Low decided to switch to a 4-5-1 formation to match Portugal's, with Mario Gomez mercifully dropped to the bench and Simon Rolfes replacing the injured Torsten Frings in midfield. Low was banished to the director's box for this match after being sent off against Austria, but he'd done an excellent job of getting his team prepared both tactically and in terms of the effort they put in.

The first 15 minutes or so of the game were pretty open; although Portugal had a couple of early chances, their shots usually went straight at Jens Lehmann, and Germany were doing a good job of closing them down quickly and using their physical advantage to win possession and counter-attack. That's just what they did in the 22nd minute, with a fantastic opening goal: Lukas Podolski played a couple of one-twos with Michael Ballack and Miroslav Klose as he surged down the left wing, and then crossed the ball for Bastian Schweinsteiger, bursting into the box from the opposite flank, to slide the ball in past the keeper at the near post.

Germany added a second goal just a few minutes later, after a run forward by Christoph Metzelder, of all people, who was tripped by Petit about 30 yards out. Schweinsteiger curled the free kick into the box, and Klose shook off his marker for a free header, his first goal of the tournament (maybe he's been liberated by not having Gomez beside him any more?). Portugal looked a bit shell-shocked after that; initially they were still trying to walk the ball into the net, but soon enough they started to press Germany more. And they were rewarded in the 40th minute, as Cristiano Ronaldo's shot was blocked by Jens Lehmann but the rebound fell to Nuno Gomes for an easy finish.

At 2-1, Portugal were right back in it, and the game started to get a bit chippy -- I think my favourite bit was Arne Friedrich fouling Ronaldo and then "accidentally" stepping on his foot for good measure. (Our commentator, incidentally, seemed to think his name was "Arnie," as if he was off governing California in his spare time or something.) Both teams had their share of chances as the second half went on -- Hitzlsperger with a shot over the bar, Deco scoring but being flagged offside, a header over the bar from Pepe -- and it could have gone either way.

But Ballack restored Germany's two-goal lead in the 61st minute, with a header from a free kick that was almost identical to Klose's goal in the first half. I've seen quite a few people commenting that he pushed Paulo Ferreira in the back in the process, but it wasn't much of a push; if you ask me, the bigger problem for Portugal was that Ricardo came haring out of his net for the ball and never got close to it. Plus, you know, how bad is Portugal's marking on set pieces? It surprised me a bit, actually, because I would've thought they were one of the better defences left in the tournament. But you can't leave players like Ballack and Klose open like that. It was all very reminiscent of the 2002 World Cup, when I swear that every single Germany goal was a header from one or the other of them.

With half an hour to go, Portugal were throwing everything forward, with Germany defending deeper and deeper in their own half. On the bench, Phil Scolari looked as if he was in agony every time his team fluffed a chance. He sent on first Nani and then Helder Postiga in the search for another goal, and the two substitutes combined in the 87th mnute, as Nani, with three Germany defenders around him, still found space to clip the ball in to Postiga, who split the two centre-backs and headed it home. That gave them a bit of hope, but in the end they just ran out of time, and it was Germany who are through to the semi-finals, while Portugal have come up short yet again.

A few other things:

• What is with the happy celebratory Euro-pop music every time somebody scores a goal? It keeps getting stuck in my head, which is annoying, although at least it displaces "Maniac" from those awful Kia commercials that we get here OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
  
• Hans-Dieter Flick, Germany's assistant manager, seems to have copied Jogi Low's trademark tailored shirt + trousers combination. Or maybe it's a uniform of some kind.
  
• Did anybody else catch Ballack cuddling first Carvalho and then Ferreira in the tunnel before the game? I wonder if he used some kind of voodoo on them that made them forget how to defend set-pieces.
  
• Something else I'm curious about: Now that Austria and Switzerland are out, are their fans cheering for Germany? Because if Canada were hosting a tournament and in a similar situation, we certainly wouldn't be supporting the USA.

Bad hair of the day award: I was all set to give it to Cristiano Ronaldo for his stupid quasi-mullet. (He has clearly had it cut recently, and yet he still has those little bits of hair on the nape of his neck. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?) But then I saw Torsten Frings in a backwards baseball cap over his flowing locks. I don't really know what he's going for here, but to me he looks like somebody who should be featured in the German version of Crap Email from a Dude. Anyway, sorry, Ronniecakes. Better luck next time. Maybe you can console yourself by going home and rolling around in your piles of money.

Euro 2008: Day 9

Turkey 3-2 Czech Republic
What a way to kick off the final round of group games. Turkey were on the verge of elimination, down 2-0 with 15 minutes to go, but they put together an amazing comeback to beat the Czechs, including two goal in the last three minutes.

It was a nervy opening to the game, with a couple Turkish players booked in the first 10 minutes. There were a few chances for both sides, but the Czechs had the better of the first half. And they took the lead after about half an hour through Jan Koller -- picked instead of Milan Baros for this match -- who opened the scoring with a characteristic header from Zdenek Grygera's cross.

Turkey started the second half more strongly -- an acrobatic scissor kick by Nihat Kahveci that went wide of the target, a good save by Petr Cech to snatch the ball off Nihat's forehead -- but the Czechs extended their lead. Jaroslav Plasil slid in to connect with Libor Sionko's ball in from the right wing, with Turkey indignant because they had been attempting to substitute an injured player.

But Turkey were given a boost in the 75th minute, as Arda Turan made it 2-1 with a shot from the top of the box that just snuck past Petr Cech at the near post. They really went for it after that and were rewarded with just three minutes left, as Cech fumbled a routine cross (yes, it was raining, but you expect better from somebody who's supposed to be one of the best keepers in the world) and Nihat Kahveci pounced. It looked like the game was heading to penalties to decide who would qualify for the quarter-finals, but instead Nihat scored again, through on goal -- I'm not sure if he was offside or if the Czech defence just switched off -- to curl his shot over Cech into the far corner. (Poor Petr. He deserves better, really.)

And then, as if that wasn't enough craziness: Volkan Demirel, the Turkish keeper, got himself sent off. Yes, really. On the verge of stoppage time, knowing there'll be a penalty shootout if your opponents equalize, and he decides that shoving Jan Koller is a good idea. The really excellent part is that Turkey had already used all their subs, so Tuncay ended up in goal, just to add the perfect touch of comedy to a brilliantly insane game.


Switzerland 2-0 Portugal
A thoroughly meaningless match, with Portugal already having clinched top spot in the group and Switzerland the wooden spoon. And it was as uneventful as you'd expect. I actually missed 20 minutes of the first half because my recording cut out, but I don't think I missed that much at all.

Mostly it was a lot of pointless prancing around in midfield by Portugal's B-team -- including one of those Ronaldo-esque wrapping-one-leg-behind-the-other crosses by his doppelganger Ricardo Quaresma. Portugal also had a couple of decent penalty shouts, but they were both waved off by the referee, and nobody seemed too bothered -- I think the Portuguese players were more worried about not getting their pretty white kits all dirty. The exception to this was Paulo Ferreira, one of only three regulars to retain his place, who had to be hauled off before halftime to stop him being sent off, after a nasty tackle on Valon Behrami. Actually, there were quite a few yellow cards for what should have been a relatively peaceful game.

Switzerland did start to push forward more in the second half, once they'd figured out that (a) Portugal was too busy faffing around to actually score goals and (b) Ricardo was having a shaky game in goal. They were rewarded for their effort when Hakan Yakin scored in the 70th minute, a good finish through the keeper's legs after a long ball forward that was flicked on by Eren Derdiyok. Yakin added a second goal 80 minutes later with a penalty after Tranquillo Barnetta was fouled by Fernando Meira. The Swiss fans were delirious, as their team was able to finish the tournament with a tiny smidgen of dignity.

As for Portugal, it's possible that they'll be unsettled by the loss -- not to mention all the foofaraw about Phil Scolari moving to Chelsea -- and lose momentum, but I think they have enough natural arrogance to carry them through regardless.


Next up: Portugal will play whoever finishes second in Group B in the first quarter-final on Thursday, while Turkey face Croatia on Friday

Bad hair of the day award: Miguel Veloso, who looks remarkably like a rooster

Euro 2008: Day 5

Portugal 3-1 Czech Republic
Cristiano Ronaldo and co. have made easy work of the group stages so far. They got off to a good start in this game as well, with an early goal. Ronaldo was played into the box via a one-two with Nuno Gomes; Petr Cech did well to just barely tip the ball away from him, but it fell to Deco and he scrambled it across the goal line. Libor Sionko equalized for the Czech Republic less than 10 minutes later, getting up well to power in a header from a corner.

The Czechs certainly looked more lively than they did against Switzerland in their opening game, but they weren't effective enough up front. Apparently we got the Premiership Milan Baros (i.e., lots of headless chicken running) rather than the Euro 2004 version that actually knows how to put the ball in the net. I suppose it didn't help that he was pretty isolated up front. Anyway, in the absence of goals, much of the middle section of the game involved niggly fouls, people randomly falling over and whining at the ref, and Portuguese players preening in their skintight white kits. I have to admit, they kind of looked nice with Ronniecakes' shiny green boots.

Speaking of preening: Ronaldo, after 63 minutes, scoring the winning goal for Portugal. They were awarded yet another free kick, and this one was sent wide to Deco, who set up Ronaldo at the top of the box, and he slotted it through a crowd of defenders and past the keeper. And then followed that up a little while later by squabbling with Simao over who'd get to take a free kick. Silly boy, doesn't he know that it's always Ronaldo's turn to shank it into the wall? The Czechs had a few more chances to pull themselves back into the game, but couldn't take advantage. Instead Portugal added a third goal in stoppage time, after a quick free kick that set Ronaldo free behind the defence. He drew Petr Cech out and then squared it to Ricardo Quaresma for an easy finish. It wasn't all about Ronaldo in this game -- Deco, for one, played very well too -- but it is hard to look past the gel-monkey right now.


Turkey 2-1 Switzerland
This could have been a very dull match (I didn't watch the whole thing, actually), but it was enlivened by the torrential rain that turned the pitch into a gigantic slip-and-slide. Switzerland opened the scoring after half an hour with a long ball to Eren Derdiyok, who rounded the keeper and then squared it to Hakan Yakin -- only for the ball to stop in a puddle along the way before he could poke it over the line.

They weren't able to hold on to their lead, though. Substitute Senturk Semih equalized for Turkey partway through the second half, attacking a cross from the left and getting up ahead of the defender for the header. Switzerland still had hopes of hanging on for a draw, but they were sucker-punched by a Turkish counter-attack in stoppage time, as Turan Arda's shot from the edge of the box was deflected past Diego Benaglio in goal. It was a devastating result for the Swiss, who have had absolutely no luck in this tournament. Unfortunately, they lacked the firepower up front to take advantage of Turkey's periodic defensive lapses -- Yakin, for example, missed a great chance just after the first goal. I am a bit disappointed by the lack of post-game fighting, but I guess they were all just too waterlogged.


Anyway, Switzerland have been eliminated, while Portugal have guaranteed their spot in the quarter-finals as group winners. The Czech Republic and Turkey face each other in their final group game to decide which of them will move on. They both have identical records so far, which means that the winner goes through; if there's a tie, it will be decided by penalty kicks, according to UEFA:

Should two teams or more from the same group finish with an equal number of points, they will be ranked based on the following criteria:

- Number of points earned in matches between the teams in question;
- Goal difference in matches between the teams in question;
- Goals scored in matches between the teams in question;
- Goal difference in all group matches;
- Goals scored in all group matches;
- * In cases where exactly two teams are equal in all previously listed criteria and play one another to a draw in their final group match, kicks from the penalty mark will be conducted in lieu of the remaining criteria;
- UEFA coefficient;
- Fair play conduct of the teams in the group stage;
- Drawing of lots.

Next up in Group A: Turkey v. Czech Republic and Portugal v. Switzerland, both kicking off at 2:30 pm on Sunday

Bad hair of the day award: The Czech's Tomas Ujfalusi, for a combination of long, lank hair and a sketchy goatee that makes him look like he belongs in a biker bar

Euro 2008: Day 1

Czech Republic 1-0 Switzerland
So, not a bad game to kick off the tournament. The Swiss may not be one of the favoured teams, but they gave a good account of themselves overall, despite the loss. The Czechs took a while to get going, and although they had more quality than their opponents, I'd say they were lucky to come away with a win, and they needed a few good saves from Petr Cech to keep them in the game.

Switzerland, meanwhile, had a terrible bit of luck when captain Alexander Frei went down with a knee injury just before halftime. He had to leave the game, and -- as you could probably guess from his devastated reaction -- his tournament is over as well. That's a huge blow, because you have to wonder who's going to score their goals now, with only two proper strikers left in the squad. And that proved to be the problem in the second half, as despite a strong performance from the Swiss, it was the Czechs who eventually took the lead after 70 minutes. The ball was headed back in past the Swiss defence and Vaclav Sverkos, who'd come on earlier for Jan Koller -- ran on to it to score.

More bad luck for Switzerland: they probably should have had a penalty for a handball by Tomas Ujfalusi late in the second half, but instead the referee played on, and first Tranquillo Barnetta had his shot brilliantly saved by Cech, and then Johan Vonlanthen whacked the rebound off the crossbar. Anyway, the result doesn't bode well for their chances of progressing from the group. The Czech Republic, meanwhile, will have to step up their game a bit -- i.e., come up with something other than lumping the ball up to Koller -- if they want to get past Turkey and/or Portugal.


Portugal 2-0 Turkey
Apparently this is what you do if you're suffering from a lack of strikers: get your goals from your central defenders. Pepe opened the scoring against Turkey in the 60th minute after a rampaging run up the middle of the pitch, playing a one-two with Nuno Gomes to get into the box and finishing well under pressure from the Turkish defender. And it was fitting that he was the one to score, after seeing an earlier header ruled out for a (correct but very close) offside call. Substitute Raul Meireles added a second goal for Portugal in stoppage time after a well-worked move, fed by Joao Moutinho on the edge of the box.

It was a pretty open, entertaining game to watch, with both teams more interested in attacking -- or, in Turkey's case, pressing forward and then throwing themselves to the ground instead of shooting -- than defending. As for you-know-who, Turkey seemed to be double- and triple-teaming him, but he still showed a few flashes of brilliance, and was involved in the buildup to both goal. His most notable contribution was probably a dangerous free kick in the first half that was just barely tipped onto the post by Volkan. That, and possibly pouting when he realized that Simao's jersey was even more skin-tight than his own.

Anyway, a much better start to the tournament for Portugal than last time around, when they lost to eventual champions Greece in the opening game. Turkey will feel that they have a decent shot at surviving the group, but they have to learn to take their chances -- they had only one shot on target -- rather than just falling over.


Next up in Group A: Turkey v. Switzerland and Portugal v. Czech Republic, both on Wednesday

Bad hair of the day award: Valon Behrami of Switzerland, who seems to have been a bit too enthusiastic with the Lady Clairol highlighting kit.

Euro 2008 Preview: Group A

Ah yes, it's that time again, when I decide to make predictions about the outcome of a major tournament and invariably turn out to be completely wrong. Woo.

The Euros are interesting because you don't get too many small teams who are just there to make up the numbers, like you do in a World Cup – indeed, the weakest team here are probably co-hosts Austria. That makes it more likely that some of the big teams could be knocked out in the group stages, while an underdog goes on to win it all, like Greece did in 2004. (Although I don't think that's likely this time.)

One other point to note is the bizarre way that the teams have been seeded in the groups: The four seeds are Switzerland and Austria, the two co-hosts; defending champions Greece; and the Netherlands, based on the unfathomable UEFA coefficients. With Switzerland, Austria and Greece all guaranteed a top seed, it was actually better to finish second rather than first in your qualifying group, because it gave you a chance of drawing them in the group stages. Anyway, on to those groups:

GROUP A: Czech Republic, Portugal, Switzerland, Turkey

Portugal should be able to win the group without too much trouble, and will probably make it as far as the semi-finals. On paper you'd expect the Czech Republic to finish second, but Switzerland could ride their home support into the knockout stages. Not that it matters much anyway, because whoever comes second will probably just lose to Germany in the quarter-finals.

CZECH REPUBLIC
FIFA rank: 6
Odds of winning: 18-1
Coach: Karel Bruckner
How they got here: Qualified first in their group, surprisingly ahead of Germany
Past record: Lost to Greece in the semi-finals at Euro 2004; eliminated in the group stage at the 2006 World Cup
Questions to ask:

• Who will step up to replace injured captain Tomas Rosicky?
  
• How important will Petr Cech's performance be? And will he make it through the tournament without being kicked in the head?
  
• Will we get the Euro 2004 Milan Baros – the tournament's top scorer – or the more familiar Premiership Baros, who tends to run around like a headless chicken and miss easy goals?

Why to cheer for them: You have a soft spot for big Jan Koller, an old-fashioned target man who is basically the Czech version of Danny Dichio

PORTUGAL
FIFA rank: 9
Odds of winning: 7-1
Coach: Big Phil Scolari
How they got here: Qualified second in their group, behind Poland
Past record: Lost to Greece in the final of Euro 2004 and to France in the semi-final at the 2006 World Cup
Questions to ask:

• Can Cristiano Ronaldo carry the team, or will he collapse under the weight of his own ego?
  
• With Pauleta's retirement, do they have anyone who can lead the line effectively?
  
• Will Deco pull himself away from partying for long enough to pull the strings for them in midfield?

Why to cheer for them: You have fond memories of their game against Holland at the last World Cup and are hoping for similar fireworks this time. Maybe Phil Scolari can punch somebody again.

SWITZERLAND
FIFA rank: 48
Odds of winning: 25-1
Coach: Kobi Kuhn
How they got here: Qualified automatically as co-hosts
Past record: Bottom of their group at Euro 2004; went out in the round of 16 at the 2006 World Cup
Questions to ask:

• Can they reproduce their defensive form from the World Cup, when they didn't concede a goal in open play?
  
• Have they gotten any better at penalties since then? Because that penalty shootout against Ukraine was the worst I've ever seen, and I say that as an England fan.
  
• Actually, do they have anyone who can score goals, period?

Why to cheer for them: You want to see Philippe Senderos smile for once.

Turkey
FIFA rank: 25
Odds of winning: 40-1
Coach: Fatih Terim
How they got here: Qualified second in their group, just ahead of Norway
Past record: Didn't qualify for Euro 2004, and lost to Switzerland in a playoff to qualify for the 2006 World Cup
Questions to ask:

• They shocked everybody by finishing third at the 2002 World Cup; could they do that again?
  
• Do they have enough quality in midfield and up front to compensate for their dodgy back line and erratic goalkeeping?
  
• Will they start another post-game rumble with the Swiss, like they did after that 2006 playoff game?

Why to support them: They probably have the most insane fans, so that's always fun.

U20 World Cup Round of 16: July 12

Chile 1-0 Portugal
Zambia 1-2 Nigeria
Argentina 3-1 Poland
Mexico 3-0 Congo

All the quarter-final matches I've seen have been fantastic, but for about 80 minutes, I thought that Portugal v. Chile was going to be the exception. I don't know if the Portuguese team was missing their injured captain Bruno Gama or what, but they just weren't on their game yesterday. Chile took the lead just before the break, Arturo Vidal scoring off a free kick, and although Portugal got it together a bit in the second half, they never really looked like they thought they could win. And then it all deteriorated into a farce in injury time, with Mano sent off for scuffling with on of the Chilean players, Zequinha trying to prevent it by snatching the red card out of the referee's hand and being sent to the showers as well, and then Chile losing Vidal a couple minutes later after a second yellow for time-wasting. It was sort of reminiscent of Portugal-Holland at the World Cup, except with extra hot-headed teenage idiocy.

In the other game I saw, Poland jumped out to a surprise lead against Argentina, with Dawid Janczyk beating the offside trap and finishing coolly. But Argentina took less than 10 minutes to equalize, through a gorgeous flowing move created by Maxi Moralez, who scurried past a couple of defenders, played a one-two with Sergio Aguero and then squared the ball across the net for Angel di Maria to sweep home. The Argentines dominated possession all game, with Aguero scoring again just after halftime and then adding a third late on. The result sets up an intriguing quarter-final against Mexico on Sunday -- a rematch of the semi-final between the senior teams in the Copa America.

Finally, in the other two matches, Congo conceded a penalty to Mexico in the first half and then had a player sent off, but held on bravely before giving up two more late goals, while Nigeria edged out Zambia in a tight contest between the two African teams.

So here's how the quarter-finals shape up:

Saturday
Austria v. USA
Spain v. Czech Republic

Sunday
Chile v. Nigeria
Argentina v. Mexico

World Cup Semi-finals

Germany 0-2 Italy
Deutschland, Deutschland über...uh, nobody, actually.

I decided to cheer for Germany after England got knocked out (I'm half German, so it's allowed), and of course that was the kiss of death, as they promptly went down to Italy. Maybe I should have been rooting for Portugal instead.

Still, despite my chosen team losing, it was a great game. And if only the Germans hadn't been collectively possessed by the spirit of Frank Lampard, they might have won. Or, you know, if they had managed not to self-destruct so spectacularly in the last minute of extra time. On the other side you had the evil genius of the Italians, who knew they only needed one goal to win it, and didn't seem that bothered about going to extra time because they figured they'd knick one sooner or later. That second goal was an uncharacteristic extravagance, though -- shouldn't they have been saving it for the final?

• Best player: Fabio Cannavaro, aka the reason the Italian defense is so good. Probably the best player of the tournament so far. (And he doesn't look so bad in his underwear either. I'm just saying.)
  
  
• Best illustration of the fact that goalkeepers are nuts: Jens Lehmann coming way out to collect a stray ball, clocking Fabio Grosso in the process, and then looking down at him disdainfully as the physio came on, all, "Get this riff-raff out of my penalty area."
  
  
• Best dive: Michael Ballack. One of the Italians waved his arm vaguely near Ballack's face, he went down quicker than one of those prostitutes they imported for the tournament, and the ref wisely ignored the whole thing.
  
  
• Best pout: Ballack again. (If he stuck his lip out any further, he'd trip over it. I thought the Germans were supposed to be too Teutonic-ly stoic to pout like that.)

France 1-0 Diving Wankers Portugal
Silly me, somehow I had the idea that the semi-final games were supposed to be exciting. Not this one -- especially not once Zidane had scored. (I'd actually nodded off at that point, but I woke up when the commentators started yelling about a penalty.) After that, it was like France figured Portugal wasn't ever going to put together a proper attack, so they could spend the rest of the game just playing around in midfield, coddling Zizou through to the final and occasionally giving the ball to Ribery to run at the Portuguese defence, just to give the kid something to do.

Portugal's response to all this? Luis Felipe Scolari, master tactician that he is, decided that the best thing to do when you really need a goal is to take off your one and only striker. (Somewhere in Sweden, Sven-Goran Eriksson is thinking, "Damn, I wish I'd thought of that one!") And yeah, it worked about as well as you'd expect. Luckily I'd had a lot of caffeine at half-time so I could stay conscious for the rest of the game.

• Best player: Despite the commentators practically fellating Zizou, I'm going to give it to a defender again, in this case Lilian Thuram. If you've got Eric Abidal in your back line, you've got to be good. Runner-up was Cristiano Ronaldo, who was actually Portugal's most dangerous attacker when he managed to stay vertical.
  
  
• Best illustration of the fact that goalkeepers are nuts: Fabien Barthez punching a free kick straight up in the air and then flailing around helplessly as Figo headed it over the bar. Actually, Fabien Barthez, period.
  
  
• Best dive: Thierry Henry, taking time out from his busy schedule of being caught offside and shrugging Gallic-ly in order to fall down in the 18-yard box. (Yeah, ok, it was a foul, but he still made a meal of it.) Ronaldo tried hard, but he forgot that it helps if the other player actually touches you.
  
  
• Best pout: Poor widdle Ronniecakes takes this one. Who else, really?

England 0-0 Portugal (Portugal 3-1 on penalties)

So, Wayne Rooney gets red-carded, England lose on penalties and go out in the quarter-finals.

In other news, the sky is blue.

First of all, I hereby apologize to Owen Hargreaves for constantly slagging him off (in my own defence, he's generally been terrible in an England shirt). I don't know if he was inspired because it was Canada Day or what, but he was fantastic against Portugal. They say that you usually don't notice the defensive midfielder if he's doing his job properly, just because of the nature of the position, but you definitely noticed Hargreaves in this match, because he was all over the pitch, working his ass off. He even scored his penalty shot.

As for that red card against Wayne Rooney: it was bullshit. Apparently Sven has confirmed that the card was for stepping on Ricardo Carvalho, rather than pushing Ronaldo, which makes me slightly less indignant (because if Figo can head-butt someone and only get a yellow card...). I still think it was a bad call, though, because it looked to me like it was an accident. (You can see the video here; judge for yourself.) I suspect that Rooney wasn't as careful as he might have been about where he put his foot down, but it didn't look like he was deliberately trying to injure Carvalho. It's too bad that it wasn't Cristiano Ronaldo he stepped on instead, though -- because there wouldn't have been any injury, since Ronaldo is so clearly a girl.

So yeah, that sucked, but I don't think it lost England the game. I thought they were the better team, even (or especially) after they went down to 10 men. Of course it would have been easier if they'd had a full team, but what really hurt them were two things:

1. Their lack of creativity up front. England had lots of possession, but couldn't seem to do anything in the final third of the pitch. In hindsight -- and with Frank Lampard continuing to be a big black hole of suck -- I would've gone back to 4-4-2 instead of 4-5-1. Drop Lampard, put Peter Crouch up front with Rooney, and use your wings instead of clogging up the centre of the pitch. Really, what it comes down to is playing to your strengths, rather than just trying to neutralize the other team.
   
   
2. Their continued inability to take penalties. I'm sure they were practicing penalties in training, but clearly not enough. Here's a tip, guys: you're supposed to take lessons from the Germans...not the Swiss. Also: Jamie Carragher, penalty specialist. WTF?

And as a final note, David Beckham has resigned as England captain. I don't think he was a great captain, but nevertheless it's a little sad. (Damn you, Becks, you actually made me like you!) John Terry seems to be the current favourite to replace him, but personally I'd prefer Steven Gerrard. You could argue that Gerrard, unlike Terry, hasn't performed well enough in an England shirt, but I think that giving him the captain's armband might be the way to finally get him to play for England like he does for Liverpool. Not to mention the fact that he's slightly less likely to cry on the pitch.

In which Portugal and Holland lose their shit, and David Beckham loses his lunch

I've developed a new system of measuring how well England play: it's inversely proportional to the number of beers I consume during the match. This was only a two-beer game, but I suspect it would've been more if not for the 11am kickoff.

The big question is what it's going to take before we can bench Frank Lampard. Seriously. Has he stolen Owen Hargreaves' incriminating pictures of Sven or something? Every time he flubbed a shot today, I could almost hear Steven Gerrard muttering, "I would've scored that one." Attacking midfielder, my ass.

The entire attack was misfiring, though. Five men in the midfield, and not one of them seemed to have any creativity going forward. You can't spend the whole game just trying to hold the ball and hoping that Beckham bends one in. Well, I mean, you can, obviously, judging by England's performances so far, but I wouldn't recommend it. Just because Germany has stopped playing like that doesn't mean someone else should try to take up the mantle.

As for the defence, they looked slightly less shaky than they did against Sweden (where I was covering my eyes every time the ball was crossed into the box) but still far from solid. Ashley Cole was the one exception -- he had a very good game. John Terry, on the other hand, seems to be doing his best Sol-Campbell-has-a-wobbly impression.

Best moment of the match: Beckham scoring that absolutely gorgeous free kick. And then puking all over the sideline. Nice.
Runner-up: The roar of joy in the pub when Owen Hargreaves went down injured and we thought he might have to be substituted.


And as for that Portugal-Netherlands game: I hope y'all have seen it. If you haven't, do whatever you need to do -- beg, borrow, steal -- to get yourself a copy, because it is utterly fantastic. In a "What the shit is this?" kind of way. I'm tempted to watch it again when they replay it later, just so I can boggle some more.

I could summarize it here, but really there wasn't a lot of actual football to analyze. Just picture something like this: foul, foul, dive, goal, foul, handbags, yellow card, dive, foul, shot of Van Nistelrooy looking glum on the sidelines, foul, headbutt, yellow card, dive, red card, handbags, foul, repeat ad nauseum.

Best moment of the match: Gio and Deco sitting on the sidelines together after they'd both been sent off -- presumably commiserating about the ref.
Runner-up: Pick a fight, any fight. My personal favourite was the Figo head-butt (and how he didn't get sent off for that, I don't know, but I suppose it just adds to the general insanity).


In other news: Germany beat Sweden, and Argentina knocked out Mexico. Just like we all knew was going to happen.

World Cup, part deux

World Cup Hair Watch:

• Czech Republic substitute Jan Polak made a valiant effort to challenge for the Bad Hair Award, but the combination fauxhawk-mullet is sadly played out. Yes, already.
  
• I think we may have to declare a winner, actually, after seeing the wonderfully named Loco of Angola, who's shaved his entire head except for a braided fringe at the front. It's sort of reminiscent of Ronaldo in 2002, but much, much worse.
  
• Francesco Totti, meanwhile, has cut his hair and is practically unrecognizable (meaning, I almost find him attractive now).
  
• And Liverpool fans will be relieved to note that Harry Kewell has cut off his stupid ponytail, which is a vast improvement. He also managed to make it through all 90 minutes of yesterday's game without crumpling with a groin injury -- maybe all that hair was weighing him down before?

Other burning questions:

• Are they really playing "Go West" by the Pet Shop Boys at the end of every match? Why, for the love of god, why?
  
• If the players are complaining about the weather being too hot, why are half of them wearing long-sleeved shirts? I know footballers aren't supposed to be that bright, but come on. Also, Cristiano Ronaldo seemed to have cut slits in the sleeves of his jersey, for no apparent reason other than to make himself look like a bigger prat than usual.
  
• Speaking of perplexing team uniforms, why did Puma design kits for the Azzurri that make them look like they've got permanent pit stains?

Oh, yeah, there were some football matches too.

• Serbia & Montenegro 0-1 Holland: Arjen Robben is a prick, but damn if he can't play football when he wants to. It's infuriating, actually. As for Serbia & Montenegro (soon to be just Serbia), their defence was solid enough to keep the Oranje out for the most part, but I don't think their attack is good enough to take them deep into the tournament.
  
  
• Mexico 3-1 Iran: The 3-1 scoreline makes this game sound a lot more exciting than it actually was. I mean, it wasn't as bad as England-Paraguay or anything, but then again neither is my rec league.
  
  
• Angola 0-1 Portugal: Angola seemed to have stage fright for the first five minutes or so, but after that they settled down and stopped making Portugal look nearly so good (or, at least, they stopped letting Figo, who is not exactly known for his pace, burst past their defenders). Best moment of the match: the commentator noting, when Cristiano Ronaldo got substituted, that he looked like he was "about to throw his teddy bear out of the pram."
  
  
• USA 0-3 Czech Republic: I am a little too gleeful about this one. The Czechs played very well -- they might even justify their #2 FIFA ranking -- but the USA at #5 is a joke. The Americans had plenty of possession but never looked dangerous when they got near the goal. In other news, Arsene Wenger now looks like a genius for buying Tomas Rosicky, and Bruce Arena somehow doesn't even have to open his mouth for me to want to smack him in the face.
  
  
• Italy 2-0 Ghana: Michael Essien was much more impressive for Ghana than he has been so far for Chelsea -- possibly because he didn't spend the entire game either trying to cover for Frank Lampard or making ugly tackles. Italy looked fairly solid -- based on their play, they seem to be doing a good job of ignoring the match-fixing scandal -- but their strikers aren't quite clicking, as you can tell by the fact that it took a Steven-Gerrard-to-Thierry-Henry-esque backpass to give them the second goal.
  
  
• Australia 3-1 Japan: How much do you wish that Guus Hiddink was going to be the next England coach? Now this is a man who knows how to use substitutes to turn a game around.