world. gone. mad.

Not that long ago, I think I was complaining about this summer having been boring in the footballing world. Apparently things were just building up quietly, though, because all in the past week everybody appears to have lost their damn minds. Managers are being sacked right and left (or not being sacked; nobody is really sure), and even more bizarrely, England are winning games!

I was debating on Wednesday if I should even bother watching the game against Croatia. In the end I decided not to, because I didn't really have the time -- or the whatever exorbitant price Setanta was charging. And I figured that the best attitude to adopt towards England games was a sort of weary bemusement. You know, like, "Oh god, what new ways to be mediocre are they going to find now?"

And instead they go out and beat those pesky Croatians 4-1. I don't know what to think about all this. I still haven't had a chance to watch the game, but I'm wondering now if maybe it would be better if I just didn't watch them again, ever, and then they can go on winning games and I can go on being pleased about it, without the unpleasantness of actually having to watch Frank Lampard stroll around in midfield and all that.

U20 World Cup Round of 16: July 12

Chile 1-0 Portugal
Zambia 1-2 Nigeria
Argentina 3-1 Poland
Mexico 3-0 Congo

All the quarter-final matches I've seen have been fantastic, but for about 80 minutes, I thought that Portugal v. Chile was going to be the exception. I don't know if the Portuguese team was missing their injured captain Bruno Gama or what, but they just weren't on their game yesterday. Chile took the lead just before the break, Arturo Vidal scoring off a free kick, and although Portugal got it together a bit in the second half, they never really looked like they thought they could win. And then it all deteriorated into a farce in injury time, with Mano sent off for scuffling with on of the Chilean players, Zequinha trying to prevent it by snatching the red card out of the referee's hand and being sent to the showers as well, and then Chile losing Vidal a couple minutes later after a second yellow for time-wasting. It was sort of reminiscent of Portugal-Holland at the World Cup, except with extra hot-headed teenage idiocy.

In the other game I saw, Poland jumped out to a surprise lead against Argentina, with Dawid Janczyk beating the offside trap and finishing coolly. But Argentina took less than 10 minutes to equalize, through a gorgeous flowing move created by Maxi Moralez, who scurried past a couple of defenders, played a one-two with Sergio Aguero and then squared the ball across the net for Angel di Maria to sweep home. The Argentines dominated possession all game, with Aguero scoring again just after halftime and then adding a third late on. The result sets up an intriguing quarter-final against Mexico on Sunday -- a rematch of the semi-final between the senior teams in the Copa America.

Finally, in the other two matches, Congo conceded a penalty to Mexico in the first half and then had a player sent off, but held on bravely before giving up two more late goals, while Nigeria edged out Zambia in a tight contest between the two African teams.

So here's how the quarter-finals shape up:

Saturday
Austria v. USA
Spain v. Czech Republic

Sunday
Chile v. Nigeria
Argentina v. Mexico

Mid-Week Randomness

• I've been sporadically watching the Copa America, but it's slightly weird because I don't like any of the teams that are left in the semifinals. I think at this point I'm cheering for Not Brazil. And for people to kick Leo Messi.
  
  
• Now that Canada's been knocked out of the U20s, I've decided to throw my support behind Spain. It'll be interesting to see if the tinies choke as badly as the senior team does. And they're up against Brazil tonight, so all signs point to yes.
  
  
• An interview with Dale Mitchell, the Canadian U20 coach, where he analyzes what went wrong for them at this tournament and basically says, "We weren't good enough." It's kind of refreshing to see that sort of honesty, but I'd like it even better if he also offered some suggestions about how to fix it.
  
  
• Oh my god, I am so sick of the Tevez to United saga already. And you just know it's going to drag on for ages. I wish I could wake up in August and have it be over.
  
  
• I've been scoping out new cleats and the thing I keep wondering is why so many of them are so phenomenally ugly. I'm somewhat reconciled to the white boots now, but not the gold ones. Or pea-soup green. And there's certainly no excuse for these monstrosities. I also hate these ones, which I keep seeing everywhere, usually in yellow so it makes you look like a platypus. Possibly the worst, though, are these, which appear to come in different colours for each foot, presumably for all those footballers who still haven't learned their right from their left. (As YNBA said, Rio Ferdinand needs shoes too.)

I hate the off-season

The Premiership is over, the FA Cup is over, the Champions League is over (and wow, that was a shitty week of cup finals, from my perspective), and now all we've got is an endless round of speculation about Michael Owen.

But there are a few things that've managed to penetrate my recent haze of withdrawal and lolfootballers:

Steve McClaren has pulled his head out of his ass, and David Beckham is back in the England squad for their upcoming games against Brazil and Estonia. Actually, I think that McClaren's made the right decision for the wrong reasons. I felt when Becks was initially dropped that his form was still good enough for him to deserve a spot in the squad at least, but he'd been made into a symbol of everything that had gone wrong with the team under Sven. The thing about having Beckham in the team is that the manager has to be strong enough to manage him -- or not him exactly, but all the media hype and public pressure that comes along with it. You have to be able to decide whether he should be on the pitch based purely on what he brings to the team. (Really, you have to do this for any of the players in the squad, but Beckham more than others.) And Steve McClaren is really not that manager. So he may think that bringing Becks back is either recognition of his recent good form for Real Madrid, or -- somewhat less likely -- an admission that he's a big enough man to reconsider his mistakes. But what it really seems like is him giving in to what he thinks people want, and we might as well just manage the team via a series of public opinion polls. (Although, if we did that, at least maybe they'd stick Lampard on the bench where he belongs.)

Toronto FC picked up their first points on the road, drawing 2-2 with the Columbus Crew over the weekend. Before that, they pulled off a scoreless draw with Benfica in their midweek exhibition game, despite resting some key players -- which is probably not what MLSE had in mind when they decided to charge twice as much for tickets to this one. The club's also traded Alecko Eskandarian to Real Salt Lake in exchange for striker Jeff Cunningham. I was a bit surprised that they got rid of Eskandarian, especially since he was kind of a fan favourite, but if you've got the chance to pick up last year's Golden Boot winner, you have to take it. The best part of the story, though, is that the news apparently broke on Eskandarian's Facebook page. Welcome to 2007, y'all.

After all the problems with tickets and whatnot at the Champions League final last week in Athens, did you know that next year's final is going to be held at Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow? Yeah. Because when you're holding a major international event, and you want to minimize the chances of bureaucratic fuckups, corruption and police brutality, the best location is definitely a former Soviet state.

This just in: the people who run football are morons

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that FIFA was going to be ruling on that girl in Quebec who wanted to wear a hijab while she played. Well, they've debated the issue, and have made the bold decision to...do nothing. Apparently they think the rule is just fine on its own. Clearly it's not, since different jurisdictions are interpreting it in completely different ways. But hey, they haven't bothered to sort out the offside rule either, so way to go, you bureaucratic twits.

To be fair, the powers that be do have some decent ideas occasionally. They're finally making progress on the idea of goal-line technology, albeit at a glacial pace. And they're continuing the crackdown on diving. Yeah, because it's all been going so well this far. (I suppose the problem with retrospective video evidence and whatnot is how to impose sanctions. I was going to suggest some kind of website where clips of the worst offenders are shown and held up for public ridicule. But then I realized that Youtube already exists.)

And most of their other ideas recently have been idiotic. Like giving players a straight red card for elbowing, or a yellow card for celebrating a goal. Just wait for the next set of proposed changes, which will include the following:

1. All players must play wrapped in no less than two (2) layers of bubble wrap, to minimize the risk of injury.
   
2. Players are forbidden to smile at the opposing players, fans, or small children, as it may offend and/or frighten them deeply. (This goes double for any players whose last name is Neville.)
   
3. Teams will receive double the points for any wins during months that end in "y".

Yeah, you'd think I'm joking about that last one. But let's not forget the latest brainwave: The Football League's proposal to eliminate draws and replace them with penalty shootouts, which has been met with widespread howls of derision. They introduced something similar in the NHL a couple years ago; I thought it was a stupid idea then and I think it's even stupider now. Sure, it would be nice if not quite so many games ended in a draw, but there has to be a better way to do that. I hate the idea of games being decided on penalties. Well, of course I would -- I'm an England fan.

Zinedine, Zenden ... tomayto, tomahto

There's this exhibition match tonight at Old Trafford, featuring Manchester United versus a European XI coached by Marcello Lippi. Lippi has called up various luminaries for his squad, but Zinedine Zidane said no -- presumably because he doesn't want to play on the same team as Marco Materazzi.

But now today comes the news of a couple late additions: Robbie Fowler and ... Bolo Zenden. Because if you can't get Zidane, Zenden is the logical replacement, right? I have to wonder if some poor flunky just got their names mixed up.

The other alternative is that Lippi realized the Man United squad was going to include such superstars as John O'Shea and Keiran Richardson, and he just wanted to give them a sporting chance.

Seriously, how do they play outside in Europe all winter?

We're currently getting socked with an ice storm, which I'm taking as an excuse to hibernate and not do anything. "Anything," in this case, includes coming up with proper topics to blog about. Instead, once again, the random news of the week:

• It really hasn't been a good few days for Arsenal, has it? First they lose to Chelsea in the Carling Cup final and then they get beat by Blackburn in their FA Cup quarter-final replay. I would enjoy it even more if either of the teams they lost to had been remotely likeable.
  
  
• Arsene Wenger, possibly spurred into action by my awarding the Pissy French Bitches title to Lille and seeking to regain his tiara, has thrown a temper tantrum against the FA, the referees at the Carling CUp final, and basically anyone else he can think of. I very much doubt that it's going to do him any good -- in fact, the latest news is that Emmanuel Eboue has also been slapped with a three-match ban. Ostensibly for hitting Wayne Bridge, but I prefer to think it's because he's such an unpleasant little dickwad.
  
  
• How much does Manchester United's B-team suck? In their FA Cup replay this week, they were up 3-0 against Reading after 6 minutes. And then did their utmost to throw the game away, eventually coming away with a 3-2 win. Basically, any time you fuck around with the starting XI, they look like complete and utter rubbish. You just have to compare them to the Arsenal second string, who are generally acknowledged to have put on a good show in their two cup matches this week. Even if they did lose.
  
  
• Robbie Fowler is reportedly in talks to join MLS this summer. His agent is denying it, and I hope it's not true -- although I'd prefer it to seeing Fowler playing in Qatar or whatever. But somehow I feel like he should play his last game at Anfield this season and then ride off into the sunset.
  
  
• An 11-year-old Muslim girl at a soccer tournament in Quebec was told by the referee that she had to either remove her hijab or leave the pitch. The referee cited FIFA rules stating that "A player shall not use equipment or wear anything (including any kind of jewelry) that could be dangerous to himself or another player." Which is a perfectly good rule, but I have to wonder how much damage a hijab could really do to anyone. I mean, if a piece of cloth is really so dangerous, then maybe they should make footballers play naked. Or at the very least they should ban Ronaldinho from wearing that stupid headwrap. Anyway, the situation has now been referred to FIFA to discuss at their meeting this weekend. So you know they'll come up with a sensible solution as usual.
  
  
• And finally, as the frivolous palate-cleanser after that last item: Victoria Beckham is now a blonde. I dunno, I kind of like it.

Carling Cup Final: Chelsea 2 - 1 Arsenal

I was just kidding about that John Terry voodoo doll, y'all. But now I'm starting to suspect that somebody out there really does have one. Who is it? Fess up now. My first thought was Jamie Carragher, but now I'd put my money on Frank Lampard. I know that sounds crazy, especially since he and JT are in big gay love. But this way he gets to wear the captain's armband and be the one to lift the trophy. Plus it means that Michael Essien has to move back to defence and can't keep showing him up in midfield. It's sort of diabolically clever.

Wait; I'm giving him too much credit, aren't I?

By itself, John Terry getting kicked in the head would have been enough to make this game a classic. But it also had a little bit of everything:

• A matchup of boys versus men (well, men and, in the case of Arjen Robben, one big diving baby);
  
• An opening goal by teenage wunderkind Theo Walcott;
  
• A possibly offside equalizer from Didier Drogba, the man we all love to hate;
  
• A late winner, again from Drogba; and finally,
  
• A bench-clearing brawl that ended in three players being red-carded.

I'm sure that last incident is going to mean a good deal of hand-wringing. But maybe they should just be grateful that none of the players tried to cut each other with a machete.

The revolution may or may not be televised

Goal-line cameras, reality TV...it seems these days that nothing really happens unless it's been caught on tape. It's all so very meta. And in that spirit, I bring you the random news of the week:

A spy plane was spotted over Manchester United's Carrington training ground, filming the team's practice sessions. Which is just bizarre. And wasn't there a story last year about their dressing room being bugged? I can't imagine it'd be all that interesting. Unless you really care about Rio Ferdinand playing lame pranks on his teammates and whatnot.

Slightly more interesting: The Beckhams may be getting their own reality TV show. Because it's not like they aren't already the textbook definition of "over-exposed." And yet I would totally watch this. I know, I'm a sad person.

Becks' future team, the LA Galaxy, is taking a page from Toronto FC's book and holding open tryouts. Yes, you too can have the chance to play alongside the once and future saviour of soccer. One of the hopefuls is Kevin Payne, a 28-year-old former teacher from England, who's got his own website about his campaign to get himself to California. He probably doesn't have a hope in hell, but at least he's entertaining.

What I'm wondering is whether the Galaxy will decide to televise their tryouts, like Chivas USA is doing. (Remember how I said Sportsnet should've done that? Yeah.)

And in somewhat more heartwarming news, the story about the Fugees (that soccer team of refugee kids, which was linked all over the place last week) is now being made into a movie. Part of the deal involves Universal Pictures paying $500,000 to build a soccer field for the kids, and part of the money will also go to fund a foundation to benefit the team. Which is nice and all, but I suspect that it's a drop in the bucket compared to what they're actually spending on the movie. Maybe the Fugees need their own reality TV show too.

Bored now

It's been, what, barely a week? And I am already so over the Jose Mourinho vs. Roman Abramovich saga. Not to mention David Beckham vs. Real Madrid

Instead, today I bring you various other news of megalomania and insanity.

Sepp Blatter's latest brainwave: doing away with penalty shootouts in the World Cup final. Now, I hate games being decided by penalties as much as the next person (yes, even when it means that Liverpool wins), but even so, this seems like a spectacularly dumb idea. Blatter's proposal is that the teams would replay the game 48 hours later at the same venue. Because that won't cause any problems at all for the organizers, the exhausted players, or the fans who've flown in from all over the world and will now have to explain to their bosses that they need an extra two days of holidays.

Terrifying image of the week: Victoria Beckham in a car with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Jennifer Lopez and her undead husband. No indication of where David was. Possibly in the trunk. Or running as far away as humanly possible.

Ok, I wasn't going to mention Chelsea, but this is just too good: Sven-Goran Eriksson apparently wants to take over from Jose Mourinho. That is sheer brilliance. A year from now, Chelsea will be playing in a toothless 4-5-1 with Stewart Downing and Theo Walcott on the wings, completely crap at taking penalties and defending set plays, and getting knocked out of every competition in the quarter-finals.

Random year-end news

Steven Gerrard has been awarded an MBE in the New Year honours list, for "services to sport." So, you know, good for him. It's encouraging that you can be named to the Order of the British Empire for, essentially, being a ginormous spaz.

Also encouraging: The Guardian apparently despises ESPN's football coverage as much as I (and all right-thinking people everywhere) do.

And closer to home, remember how Toronto FC was having open tryouts? The results are in, and one player -- Jamaal Smith, an 18-year-old defender from Mississauga -- has made the final cut. Personally, I think that Sportsnet missed a trick by not televising this. It could have been like our own little version of Football Icon, except with Craig Forrest instead of Jamie Redknapp.

Random news of the week

I'm still busy with Club World Cup stuff, so here's a few tidbits to keep you entertained...

The latest news in the West Ham saga is that Alan Curbishley has been named as their new manager, replacing Alan Pardew. Curbishley has got quite the challenge ahead of him in dragging them out of the relegation zone, although he did a solid job at Charlton -- where his replacement, Les Reed, is not exactly setting the world on fire. Personally, I'm wondering what the odds are of Pardew ending up at Charlton by this time next year.

In the midweek games, Chelsea beat Newcastle 1-0 thanks to a late goal from Didier Drogba, to pull themselves within five points of Manchester United. Arsenal climbed to third as they scraped a 1-0 victory over Wigan 1-0 with a late winner from Emmanuel Adebayor. The Gunners were once again without Thierry Henry, who's reportedly going to be out until the new year. I'm not really sure what's wrong with him, though; I suspect he pulled a muscle from shrugging too much.

Broadcasting news: The Score has outbid Sportsnet for the rights to Premiership games in Canada starting next year. This sucks because The Score isn't one of the channels I get, which means I'm going to have to either upgrade my cable package or spend even more money in the pub.

Also, TSN will be broadcasting Euro 2008 matches, which is great as long as they won't be using the ESPN feed like they do for the Champions League, because that makes me want to stab things.

In other random news, the British Ministry of Sport is thinking about eliminating doping sanctions for athletes caught doing recreational drugs. Which is good news for Rio Ferdinand. Allegedly.

Joey Barton comments on footballer autobiographies: "England did nothing in the World Cup, so why were they bringing books out? 'We got beat in the quarter-finals. I played like s**t. Here's my book.' Who wants to read that? I don't. I watched the World Cup and there wasn't a team. It seemed to be individuals playing for themselves." He's actually made me like him for once.

And finally, your bizarre and amusing link of the day: Liverpool players in costume for the club's Christmas party. I have no words, really.

Odds and ends

I'm trying not to dwell on England's performance in the friendly against Holland, which was ineffective to the extreme. Good to see that McClaren still hasn't managed to sort out the problems in the midfield. Or up front. Or how to defend against set pieces. It gives you a real sense of confidence.

Meanwhile, wins for Croatia and Russia mean that England are currently third in their qualifying group for Euro 2008, which is either a major crisis or no big deal, depending on who you listen to.

::

I also watched the finals of the MLS Cup on this week (because apparently I didn't get my fill of mediocre football from Man City vs. Newcastle). The game itself wasn't that bad, really -- well, ok, it was 115 minutes of boredom, two minutes of excitement and then penalty kicks.

But it was good in comparison to the coverage on ESPN, which involved cheerleaders, an inane halftime show, and cramming a gajillion people in the commentary box so they could take turns speculating when Clint Dempsey was going to come on (answer: who cares). Also, I'd like to find out who decided to add Bruce Arena to the mix, so that I can hunt them down and beat them about the head repeatedly.

::

Closer to home, Toronto FC made their draft picks today, picking up a bunch of guys I'd never heard of despite my making the supreme sacrifice of watching one whole MLS game this year. But there's a pretty good run-down of the players over at Canadakicks.com.

::

Also in Toronto, the annual Cavalcade of Lights on Corso Italia has a special theme this year:

"This year's display will include vivid images of Italy's 2006 World Cup victory with stylized icons of soccer players, the FIFA World Cup, and other images that capture the culture and vitality of the Corso Italia community."

Because nothing says Merry Christmas like a good headbutt.

::

And the winner for Bizarre News Story of the Week: Shieffield United goalkeeper Paddy Kenny had his eyebrow bitten off in a brawl.

No word on whether Jermain Defoe was involved.

This just in: Mike Newell is a jackass

Mike Newell is the coach of Luton. He is also, apparently, a sexist asshole.

Newell believed his team should have been given a penalty in their game against QPR, and blamed assistant referee Amy Rayner for the decision.

She should not be here. I know that sounds sexist, but I am sexist, so I am not going to be anything other than that. We have a problem in this country with political correctness, and bringing women into the game is not the way to improve refereeing and officialdom. It is absolutely beyond belief. When do we reach a stage when all officials are women, because then we are in trouble?

It is bad enough with the incapable referees and linesmen we have, but if you start bringing in women, you have big problems. This is Championship football. This is not park football, so what are women doing here? It is tokenism, for the politically correct idiots.

I'm trying to come up with a decent response to this, but the whole thing is just so breathtakingly illogical that I'm at a loss for words.

Dot dot dot

Jurgen Klinsmann has a MySpace?

The internets are a strange place indeed. I wonder if Sven-Goran Eriksson has one too...

(Thanks to The Offside for the link.)

Beating Chelsea is always a good way to start the season

Yeah, yeah, I know it's only the Community Shield, but that was fun to watch.

Mourinho can whine all he likes about how his team was only 50% fit going into this game, but I'm not that sympathetic, considering that they've had just as much time to prepare as all the other games, and chose to fuck off to the States instead of focusing on the upcoming season.

And I especially love Rafa's response to the attempted mind games. You say your squad isn't at full strength? Despite having eight gazillion pounds worth of new signings in your starting lineup? Okay then, we're going to start with Steven Gerrard and Xabi Alonso on the bench.

Also, I don't think that lack of match fitness should be an excuse for John Terry completely failing to mark Peter Crouch for Liverpool's second goal. I mean, Crouch is rather large. It shouldn't be that hard to notice him lurking around the far post. (On the other hand, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on Terry. Maybe he was distracted by Crouch saying something about his mother.*)

Best moment of the game: Momo Sissoko absolutely flattening Michael Ballack. Followed shortly thereafter by Ballack limping off the pitch with an ice-pack. Welcome to the Premiership, Micha.


* There is a rumour going around that John Terry's mother shagged Jamie Carragher's brother during the World Cup. I have no idea if it's actually true, but just the possibility is enough to send me into hysterics. This definitely wins for cracked-out football gossip of the week, beating out Steven Gerrard's fiancée being arrested and Rio Ferdinand supposedly naming his newborn baby after his mistress.

FIFA, you son of a terrorist whore!

You remember that saying about how "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," right? Because apparently FIFA doesn't.

They've handed Marco Materazzi a two-match suspension for his part in the incident that led to Zinedine Zidane getting sent off in the World Cup final. Zidane, meanwhile, has been given a three-match suspension, which doesn't mean much, seeing as how he's retired from football. They've also both been fined -- 7500 Swiss francs for Zidane and 5000 Swiss francs for Materazzi.

So what FIFA is saying is that calling somebody names is almost as bad -- two-thirds as bad, to be exact -- as headbutting them.

Really.

What kind of precendent are they setting here? I'm just waiting for the next England-Portugal game, so that Wayne Rooney can punch Cristiano Ronaldo in the face and then excuse himself by saying "But ref, he called me a poo-poo head!"

Trash-talking has always been part of the game. Yeah, sure, it would probably be better if it you could get rid of that. But where do you draw the line? And how do you enforce something that's going to always come down to one player's word against another's?

FIFA and the various national FAs have been attempting to stamp out racist remarks -- either on the pitch or in the stands -- and that's great. In fact, they should be coming down even harder on it. But both Zidane and Materazzi have stated that there wasn't anything racist in what Materazzi said. So what did he do that was worth a two-match ban? Because it seems to me that FIFA is punishing him simply because he had the temerity to insult the great Zizou -- and mess up their precious World Cup in the process.

World Cup, part deux

World Cup Hair Watch:

• Czech Republic substitute Jan Polak made a valiant effort to challenge for the Bad Hair Award, but the combination fauxhawk-mullet is sadly played out. Yes, already.
  
• I think we may have to declare a winner, actually, after seeing the wonderfully named Loco of Angola, who's shaved his entire head except for a braided fringe at the front. It's sort of reminiscent of Ronaldo in 2002, but much, much worse.
  
• Francesco Totti, meanwhile, has cut his hair and is practically unrecognizable (meaning, I almost find him attractive now).
  
• And Liverpool fans will be relieved to note that Harry Kewell has cut off his stupid ponytail, which is a vast improvement. He also managed to make it through all 90 minutes of yesterday's game without crumpling with a groin injury -- maybe all that hair was weighing him down before?

Other burning questions:

• Are they really playing "Go West" by the Pet Shop Boys at the end of every match? Why, for the love of god, why?
  
• If the players are complaining about the weather being too hot, why are half of them wearing long-sleeved shirts? I know footballers aren't supposed to be that bright, but come on. Also, Cristiano Ronaldo seemed to have cut slits in the sleeves of his jersey, for no apparent reason other than to make himself look like a bigger prat than usual.
  
• Speaking of perplexing team uniforms, why did Puma design kits for the Azzurri that make them look like they've got permanent pit stains?

Oh, yeah, there were some football matches too.

• Serbia & Montenegro 0-1 Holland: Arjen Robben is a prick, but damn if he can't play football when he wants to. It's infuriating, actually. As for Serbia & Montenegro (soon to be just Serbia), their defence was solid enough to keep the Oranje out for the most part, but I don't think their attack is good enough to take them deep into the tournament.
  
  
• Mexico 3-1 Iran: The 3-1 scoreline makes this game sound a lot more exciting than it actually was. I mean, it wasn't as bad as England-Paraguay or anything, but then again neither is my rec league.
  
  
• Angola 0-1 Portugal: Angola seemed to have stage fright for the first five minutes or so, but after that they settled down and stopped making Portugal look nearly so good (or, at least, they stopped letting Figo, who is not exactly known for his pace, burst past their defenders). Best moment of the match: the commentator noting, when Cristiano Ronaldo got substituted, that he looked like he was "about to throw his teddy bear out of the pram."
  
  
• USA 0-3 Czech Republic: I am a little too gleeful about this one. The Czechs played very well -- they might even justify their #2 FIFA ranking -- but the USA at #5 is a joke. The Americans had plenty of possession but never looked dangerous when they got near the goal. In other news, Arsene Wenger now looks like a genius for buying Tomas Rosicky, and Bruce Arena somehow doesn't even have to open his mouth for me to want to smack him in the face.
  
  
• Italy 2-0 Ghana: Michael Essien was much more impressive for Ghana than he has been so far for Chelsea -- possibly because he didn't spend the entire game either trying to cover for Frank Lampard or making ugly tackles. Italy looked fairly solid -- based on their play, they seem to be doing a good job of ignoring the match-fixing scandal -- but their strikers aren't quite clicking, as you can tell by the fact that it took a Steven-Gerrard-to-Thierry-Henry-esque backpass to give them the second goal.
  
  
• Australia 3-1 Japan: How much do you wish that Guus Hiddink was going to be the next England coach? Now this is a man who knows how to use substitutes to turn a game around.

Sex, dives, and videotape

Football news that amused and/or disturbed me this week:

Brazil's coach is encouraging his players to have sex at the World Cup:

"I don't think that sex one day before the game will have any harm on the player. Just sex, no problem. The problem is, they don't eat, they don't sleep, they smoke and they drink. That is the problem. Sex? No, sex is always very good -- always welcome."

He continued,

"Psychologists say it is very important in the dressing room and coming from the hotel to the stadium that you do something with your hands, with your mouth."

Um, ok then. Let's remember that this is the team with Ronaldo and Ronaldinho. I really don't need those pictures in my head.

::

The English FA is pushing FIFA to use video replays to crack down on diving.

This could make players like Didier Drogba a little nervous. But Claude Makalele has stepped forward to defend his teammate.

"Didier is being badly treated but like the rest of us he is prepared to stand up like a man and take it on the chin."

Yes, if by that you mean "fall down spectacularly if you breathe on him wrong." Possibly something got lost in translation.

::

Scott Parker has been diagnosed with glandular fever, which I'm pretty sure is British for mono, and will be out for the rest of the season. So much for my "Scott Parker for England" campaign.

And does he have the worst luck ever or what? First he gets sold to Chelsea, spends most of the season either on the bench or out injured, then he gets shunted off to Newcastle, and now this. Glenn Hoddle would probably say he's paying for his sins in a previous life.

::

Rumour has it that Andriy Shevchenko has agreed to a deal that would take him to Chelsea this summer. Or maybe not. I really hope it's not true. First of all, the only thing that Chelsea have been missing is a truly world-class striker (no, Drogba doesn't count), and they certainly don't need to be any more dominant in the Premiership than they already are. Plus, I kind of like Shevchenko and I don't want him to be tainted with the Evil. Just say no to dirty Russian oil money, y'all.

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Becks thinks that Sven-Goran Eriksson would be a great choice to take over as coach of Real Madrid.

"Sven is one of the best managers around and his name was bound to come into the equation. I think he would work well. He has been the English manager for five years and has handled the pressures there so I'm sure he can handle it wherever he manages. One of his biggest qualities is his man-management - the way he treats the players and what he gets out of the players. He gives the players a lot of respect."

Meanwhile, somewhere in England, Sven is doodling "Mrs S.G. Beckham" on his Trapper-Keeper notebook.

This week in the wacky world of football

(You have to imagine me saying that in a Kermit the Frog voice. I don't know why; just go with it.)

Premier League players pick their favourite books as part of a program to encourage reading. This would be where we mock Eidur Gudjohnsen for choosing My Winning Season by John Terry.

A family in West Cumbria has a football-playing sheep named Oliver.

Using a nose-dribbling technique, he weaves his way around his enclosure. The woolly jumper also leaps into the air in a bid to unsettle his opponents.

"We think he is more of a defensive player than an attacker," said [his owner]. "He's quite solid and if Sven-Goran Eriksson is looking for a holding midfield player to take to the World Cup, I'm sure he could do a job."

No word on what Oliver's favourite book is, but I'm pretty sure it's not My Winning Season.

Roma midfielder Daniele De Rossi admitted to having helped the ball into the net with his hand during his team's win over Messina, and told the referee that he should disallow the goal. (Didier Drogba's head just exploded.)

Oh, and Liverpool trounced Birmingham 7-0 to advance to the semi-finals of the FA Cup. The Reds have now scored 15 goals in their last three games -- which is about as many as they'd scored all year up to that point. I don't know what Rafa has done to the team (spiking the half-time tea? threatening the strikers with pistols at dawn?) but I like it. Although I can't help wishing that he'd done it a couple weeks ago, when they were, you know, still in the Champions League.