Bored now

It's been, what, barely a week? And I am already so over the Jose Mourinho vs. Roman Abramovich saga. Not to mention David Beckham vs. Real Madrid

Instead, today I bring you various other news of megalomania and insanity.

Sepp Blatter's latest brainwave: doing away with penalty shootouts in the World Cup final. Now, I hate games being decided by penalties as much as the next person (yes, even when it means that Liverpool wins), but even so, this seems like a spectacularly dumb idea. Blatter's proposal is that the teams would replay the game 48 hours later at the same venue. Because that won't cause any problems at all for the organizers, the exhausted players, or the fans who've flown in from all over the world and will now have to explain to their bosses that they need an extra two days of holidays.

Terrifying image of the week: Victoria Beckham in a car with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Jennifer Lopez and her undead husband. No indication of where David was. Possibly in the trunk. Or running as far away as humanly possible.

Ok, I wasn't going to mention Chelsea, but this is just too good: Sven-Goran Eriksson apparently wants to take over from Jose Mourinho. That is sheer brilliance. A year from now, Chelsea will be playing in a toothless 4-5-1 with Stewart Downing and Theo Walcott on the wings, completely crap at taking penalties and defending set plays, and getting knocked out of every competition in the quarter-finals.

Sex, dives, and videotape

Football news that amused and/or disturbed me this week:

Brazil's coach is encouraging his players to have sex at the World Cup:

"I don't think that sex one day before the game will have any harm on the player. Just sex, no problem. The problem is, they don't eat, they don't sleep, they smoke and they drink. That is the problem. Sex? No, sex is always very good -- always welcome."

He continued,

"Psychologists say it is very important in the dressing room and coming from the hotel to the stadium that you do something with your hands, with your mouth."

Um, ok then. Let's remember that this is the team with Ronaldo and Ronaldinho. I really don't need those pictures in my head.

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The English FA is pushing FIFA to use video replays to crack down on diving.

This could make players like Didier Drogba a little nervous. But Claude Makalele has stepped forward to defend his teammate.

"Didier is being badly treated but like the rest of us he is prepared to stand up like a man and take it on the chin."

Yes, if by that you mean "fall down spectacularly if you breathe on him wrong." Possibly something got lost in translation.

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Scott Parker has been diagnosed with glandular fever, which I'm pretty sure is British for mono, and will be out for the rest of the season. So much for my "Scott Parker for England" campaign.

And does he have the worst luck ever or what? First he gets sold to Chelsea, spends most of the season either on the bench or out injured, then he gets shunted off to Newcastle, and now this. Glenn Hoddle would probably say he's paying for his sins in a previous life.

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Rumour has it that Andriy Shevchenko has agreed to a deal that would take him to Chelsea this summer. Or maybe not. I really hope it's not true. First of all, the only thing that Chelsea have been missing is a truly world-class striker (no, Drogba doesn't count), and they certainly don't need to be any more dominant in the Premiership than they already are. Plus, I kind of like Shevchenko and I don't want him to be tainted with the Evil. Just say no to dirty Russian oil money, y'all.

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Becks thinks that Sven-Goran Eriksson would be a great choice to take over as coach of Real Madrid.

"Sven is one of the best managers around and his name was bound to come into the equation. I think he would work well. He has been the English manager for five years and has handled the pressures there so I'm sure he can handle it wherever he manages. One of his biggest qualities is his man-management - the way he treats the players and what he gets out of the players. He gives the players a lot of respect."

Meanwhile, somewhere in England, Sven is doodling "Mrs S.G. Beckham" on his Trapper-Keeper notebook.

So long, Sven

The announcement that Sven-Goran Wriksson would be stepping down as England coach after this year's World Cup rather than seeing out his contract to 2008 has, predictably, led to a lot of apocalyptic prophesying, ranging from "This will ruin England's World Cup chances!" to "They should have sacked him ages ago!"

My reaction, on the other hand, was an overwhelming "So what?" It was pretty much a foregone conclusion that he would be gone after the World Cup -- win or lose. The more interesting question is who they're going to get to replace him. There's a lot of pressure for the next sucker manager to be English, which I think is crap. I can understand preferring an English manager -- I can just imagine the outcry in Canada if we brought in a Russian to coach the national hockey team, for example. But when the most credible candidate is someone like Sam Allardyce? Um, no.

Now, even though I'm not a Bolton fan, I'll admit that he's done a good job for the team. But I don't think he's got the top-level experience you need for a job like this. Not compared to Guus Hiddink or Luis Felipe Scolari, the two international candidates at the top of the list. o basically, the main point in his favour is that he's English? And therefore supposed to be better able to motivate his players or something? Again: crap.

Look at the top three managers in the Premiership at the moment: Jose Mourinho, Rafa Benitez and Alex Ferguson. Not a one of them English, and they don't seem to have any problems motivating their teams. Well, maybe Fergie, but somehow I don't think that's due to his Englishness or lack thereof. Actually, here's my dream scenario: One of Hiddink or Scolari to manage England, the other to take over at United, and Allardyce to stay at Bolton so we can keep criticizing their style of football. Or maybe he can move to Newcastle...I suspect there'll be an opening there soon enough.

One other note: Sven says that one of the reasons he decided to quit was because he was tired of the press prying into his private life. Maybe that wouldn't happen so much if he would stop shagging secretaries and TV presenters. Just a thought.

Stop the presses!

The big news this week, apparently, is Sven-Goran Eriksson running his mouth off to an undercover reporter from the News of the World.

Eriksson reportedly revealed that:

• He'll probably leave the England job after the World Cup
  
• Michael Owen only moved to Newcastle United because they offered him the most money
  
• Chelsea paid too much for Shaun Wright-Phillips
  
• Wayne Rooney has a temper
  
• Rio Ferdinand is lazy

And this is shocking how?

To quote my friend Amanda, "Eriksson then went on to reveal that there was no Santa and the earth revolved around the sun."

(Although, on second thought, he would never say that, because Sven clearly believes that the earth revolves around David Beckham.)