Saturday, March 04, 2006

I hereby nominate myself as the next England manager

I figure that I've got about as much European experience as Sam Allardyce, so why the hell not?

And with that, here's who I'd take on the plane to Germany:


  1. Paul Robinson -- Hopefully he'll be as deadly to the other teams as he is to his own players
  2. David "Calamity" James -- Hopefully he won't actually have to play.
  3. That other guy whose name I never remember...Chris Kirkland? Either him or Robert Green. It doesn't really matter which one.

  1. Jamie Carragher -- Possibly the best centre-half in the Premiership this season, if only Sven would realize it.
  2. John Terry -- He could probably fill the #3 'keeper spot as well, the way he's been playing recently.
  3. Rio Ferdinand -- Yeah, I know he's been crap recently, but you need at least one of the centre-backs to have pace. Carra can yell at him to keep him awake.
  4. Gary Neville -- He may be a prat, but he's also one of the best right-backs around.
  5. Ashley Cole -- Assuming he's fit, which they desperately need him to be. And not randomly suing people.
  6. Wayne Bridge -- Again, assuming he's fit; what is it with the England left-backs and ankles made of glass?
  7. Ledley King -- Because yes, he is actually a defender, not a midfielder.
  8. Luke Young -- On the off chance that Gary Neville implodes, I think it makes more sense to take cover at right-back rather than yet another centre-half.

Missing out:
  • Sol Campbell -- Do you really need an unstable defender who's liable to go missing for big chunks of the game? After all, you've already got Rio Ferdinand.
  • Jonathan Woodgate -- Maybe if the games were only 5 minutes long; any more than that and he's just going to get injured again.
  • Wes Brown -- Better than Rio for United for much of this season, but one defender with ridiculous hair is more than enough.

  1. Steven Gerrard -- If he can carry Liverpool to the Champions League final, just imagine what he could do with a team that doesn't include Djimi Traore.
  2. David Beckham -- Because you've got to have someone to make rash tackles, take all the free kicks (and waste most of them), and smile photogenically for the cameras.
  3. Frank Lampard -- Plays almost the exact same role as Stevie G., but hasn't been nearly as good this season. Will start anyway, and will score a couple of lucky deflected goals, therefore (dubiously) justifying his selection.
  4. Joe Cole -- I hate Jose Mourinho, but damn if he hasn't turned Cole into an excellent player. Pity he's such a dick.
  5. Sean Wright-Phillips -- Looked better than Becks when he came on in the game against Uruguay. And yet he still can't get off the bench for Chelsea. Maybe Mourinho keeps mistaking him for one of the ball-boys?
  6. Scott Parker -- Hey, look at that! A holding midfielder who actually plays that position for his club on a regular basis! Shocking.
  7. Michael Carrick -- Despite my (slightly irrational) love for Scott Parker, I can admit that Carrick's done a good job at Spurs and could work as the holding midfielder for England. Anyone but Ledley King or Rio, really.
  8. Kieran Richardson -- Hasn't been that great this season, but at least he's actually left-footed. Could fill in at the back in a pinch if both Cole and Bridge get injured (again).

Missing out:
  • Jermaine Jenas -- I don't get what Sven sees in him, honestly. I suspect that if he were at Newcastle instead of Parker, their positions in the England squad would be reversed.
  • Phil Neville -- Jack of all trades, master of none. Too bad he didn't stay at Man United.
  • Owen Hargreaves -- The only good thing about Sven (theoretically) putting Jenas in the squad is that it keeps Hargreaves out.

  1. Wayne Rooney -- He'd be the first name on the teamsheet every time, if not for Sven's inexplicable hard-on for Beckham.
  2. Michael Owen -- The only striker they've got with a proven record of scoring at the World Cup. Cocoon him in bubble wrap to keep him healthy for the next three months if necessary.
  3. Peter Crouch -- Brings that missing quality to the England front line -- i.e., the ability to reach the top shelf in the dressing room.
  4. Jermain Defoe -- Eh, why not.

Missing out:
  • Darren Bent -- Didn't do enough in the game against Uruguay.
  • Any of those other random strikers -- If I can't remember their names, they haven't earned a spot in the squad.

No comments: