Premiership Weekend Roundup: April 14-17

United secretly hate me. They hate me and they want me to suffer. It's the only logical explanation. Because, come on: SUNDERLAND. How can you be chasing the title and yet not be able to beat the worst team in the history of the Premiership?

I'll tell you how: You get all cocky and forget how to play football properly, that's how. My rec team went through a phase where we were losing too many games, which meant never-ending discussions about strategy and tactics and whatnot, and it all just frustrated me because as far as I could tell, the problem was that we weren't getting the simple things right. Mark your man, be first to the ball, pass to your teammates -- it's not that hard, really. And United weren't doing it on Friday. Cute little flicks on the edge of the 18-yard box are useless if you end up giving the ball away, no matter how pretty the play looks in your head. (Cristiano Ronaldo, are you listening? It almost made me miss having Darren Fletcher in the lineup.) And for the love of god, Fergie, find someone who can take a decent free kick. No, punting it into the stands does not count as "decent." David Beckham is laughing at y'all right now.

At least they got it together against Tottenham yesterday. So they're still in the race, with the tiniest of margins. Back to that best case/worst case scenario I was talking about last week: Chelsea just need one point from their last three games. So if United don't win next weekend, then it's all over. I will be stocking up on things to throw at my TV, just in case. On the other hand, if United lose, an enraged Sir Alex just might snap and bite off Mourinho's ear or something like that. You have to look on the bright side.


Saturday, April 15
Arsenal 3 - 1 West Brom
Everton 0 - 1 Tottenham
Fulham 2 - 1 Charlton
Newcastle 3 - 1 Wigan
Portsmouth 1 - 0 Middlesbrough
West Ham 1 - 0 Manchester City
Bolton 0 - 2 Chelsea

Sunday, April 16
Aston Villa 3 - 1 Birmingham
Blackburn 0 - 1 Liverpool (I haven't seen the game yet, but I'm going to argue that letting Robbie Fowler's goal stand was the right call, regardless of Cisse being offside. I mean, this is Lord Frodsham we're talking about. He can't find the net anyway, so he couldn't possibly be interfering with play, right?)

Monday, April 17
Charlton 2 - 1 Portsmouth
Chelsea 3 - 0 Everton
Middlesbrough 2 - 0 West Ham
Sunderland 1 - 4 Newcastle (I was checking the scores in the games yesterday and saw that Sunderland was up 1-0 at halftime. Hey, maybe they've started to not suck, all of a sudden! And then they gave up four goals in the second half. Never mind then. United really were just crap.)
Tottenham 1 - 2 Manchester United
West Brom 0 - 0 Bolton