What else could go wrong for England before the World Cup?

1. David Beckham has an OCD fit and claims he can't play because there are an odd number of players on the team.
   
   
2. Gary Lineker's granny becomes the new manager.
   
   
3. Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard bitch-slap each other in an argument over who's really the best midfielder.
   
   
4. Peter Crouch suffers a head injury after he's clipped by a low-flying plane.
   
   
5. Owen Hargreaves is named to the squad.

No question, England is going to miss having Wayne Rooney in the squad for Germany. Yes, it's possible that he could still play, but it's about as likely as Didier Drogba staying on his feet for 90 minutes straight. So what are their other options? What Sven is probably going to do is stick Crouch up front with Michael Owen (assuming he's actually fit, that is). And it's not the worst idea in the world. Crouch is the sort of player who's most useful when he has somebody to play off him, to run onto the balls that he knocks down. And I can't think of a much better player for that role than wee Mikey. Plus, it means we'll get lots of amusing photos of the two of them lining up together.

I'm not sure it's the best option, though. I think it might make more sense to play the dreaded 4-5-1. I mean, as it is, the team is drowning in midfielders that Sven can't figure out what to do with, so why not use them? Stick Michael Carrick in there to anchor things, give Gerrard and Lampard the freedom to get forward rather than trying to play a role that doesn't suit them, and put Beckham and Joe Cole out on the wings. (Just, for the love of god, don't let Beckham talk his way into that "quarterback" position in the centre of the midfield.) Or, if you want to be really attack-minded, switch the 4-5-1 to 4-3-3 -- I slag off Jose Mourinho all the time, but it's certainly worked for Chelsea -- and throw on another winger like Aaron Lennon or Sean Wright-Phillips (if you can dig him out of whatever basement Mourinho's locked him up in).

Voila. Problem solved. I'm just waiting for the FA to call and ask if I'm interested in taking over from Sven.

Well, why not? I couldn't be much worse than Steve McClaren will be. The FA has fucked up the entire process, starting with deciding that they had to name the manager before the World Cup starts. I know they claimed it was to avoid having speculation about Sven 2.0 overshadow the tournament itself, but it's impossible to avoid a certain amount of speculation -- it's just a question of what exactly the speculation is about.

So all they've done with that ridiculous deadline is drive away Scolari, who was by far the best candidate. You can't blame him for not wanting to deal with the media intrusion -- or, more likely, to work for the buffoons at the FA. I'm still clinging, though, to my private theory that Scolari said he didn't want the job just to get people to leave him alone for a couple months, and he'll swoop down and save us from McClaren right after England beats Spain to win the Cup.

What? It could happen.