Catching up

It seems like every time I go away on vacation, the Premiership loses its damn mind. Last time around it was Thierry Henry fucking off to Barcelona; this time it's Jose Mourinho leaving Chelsea, which is infinitely more mind-boggling. I think I'm actually going to miss him. If nothing else, Avram Grant is unlikely to give such gloriously delusional interviews.

Regardless of who's managing them, though, United's 2-0 win over Chelsea this weekend was extremely satisfying. United still aren't playing particularly well, but they are still managing to win, and they even scrounged up more than a single goal this time. You could argue that they were helped out by some inexplicable refereeing, but I've already had all those arguments while watching the game at the pub with my team, and I'm not that interested in going over them again, other than to ask this: just how gigantic a wanker is John "I'll take that red card, thanks" Terry? (Secondary question for this week: Why is Sir Alex still so reluctant to start Saha, when he's repeatedly been the player to turn games around for United?)

Liverpool, in contrast, are both not playing well and not winning games, thanks to Rafa Benitez's penchant for leaving his best players on the bench. Two scoreless draws in a row in the league, ouch. Away at Portsmouth has the potential to be a tricky game, but at home to Birmingham? That is just sad, y'all. And no, having Agger and Alonso both out with the dreaded metatarsal injury is no excuse.

And the result in the Champions League against Porto was only marginally better, what with Jermaine Pennant being a brainless twerp, and Gerrard and Torres (who, yes, I was referring to as supposedly the team's best players in just the last paragraph) being invisible. That's the only one of the Champions League matches I've managed to watch, because although we did have ESPN we were also out golfing at inopportune times. Although I've decided that football could be much improved by the introduction of a beer cart. Anyway, it sounds like Arsenal v. Sevilla was the pick of the bunch.

And Arsenal are top of the league, too, damn them. Although somehow I don't expect that to last. I figure it's only a matter of time before Jens Lehmann picks off Almunia with a sniper's rifle, or Cesc Fabregas gets all distracted by hitting puberty and goes off to write in his online journal, and the team collapses in a heap.

You know what's the most shocking thing about the league table, actually? Newcastle in fifth. How did that happen? I sort of thought that any team that loses to Derby got summarily ejected from the Premiership. (Not shocking at all: Michael Owen being injured again I think at this point he's being held together by marshmallows and bits of sticky tape.)

And finally: Toronto FC have scored a goal. Yes, really. They still can't win, but we'll take what we can get. Woo.